tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26056960518184731342024-03-13T06:43:03.353-04:00The CouchwarmersCatching everything that falls between the cushions. We do the hard work between the armrests so you don't have to.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.comBlogger197125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-30893805570808662112012-06-10T10:25:00.000-04:002012-06-10T10:25:35.871-04:00The Team That's in Last Place TwiceWell, it's official. The Boston Red Sox have eaten the Baltimore Orioles. And grown to twice their original size. And despite this, they still suck. Twice.<div>
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Over the next few days, expect some stuff to go up from my California trip. Or maybe not. It's something I'm seriously considering at this point, but I make no promises. It all depends whether I spend from now until Thursday, when I leave for Maine, watching TV in front of my computer, or watching TV in a half-passed out state on the couch. Decisions, decisions.</div>
</div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-47147449757888209612012-05-16T16:02:00.000-04:002012-05-16T23:31:46.377-04:00Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery's WASPy Love-Child<div style="text-align: center;">
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But that's not the best part. The best part is that from 2000-2005, this guy <a href="http://www.linkedin.com/pub/scott-booker-corrigan/24/75b/4a8" target="_blank">taught at my school</a>. He was a history teacher and a lacrosse coach. Then he got fired. So what did he do to get canned? </div>
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Well, as I mentioned, he was the varsity lacrosse coach. After a game with a particularly number of questionable refereeing calls, most coaches would be frustrated, but impress to their team the importance of staying positive and of good sportsmanship. However, this is not what Coach Corrigan did.</div>
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Instead, he submitted the game's box score to the local newspaper. But in doing so, he listed the two referees' names as "Sucks" and "Blows," and changed the last name of one of the players on the opposing team -- a high school student, remember -- to "Cheats." This was all published in the Richmond Times-Dispatch the next day.</div>
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Good to see he's landed on his feet.</div>
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My second day back on the "job" and I get this? Thanks, Torts. You're awesome.</div>
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I'd also like to see DJ Steve Porter remix this press conference. He could just add it to the end of the one he's already got. And maybe add an L to that TV content rating.<br />
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<a href="http://www.fordf150.net/photos/data/500/Elimin8ed_Capitals.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://www.fordf150.net/photos/data/500/Elimin8ed_Capitals.jpg" width="121" /></a>I promised a small handful of people I know that if the New York Rangers, a team that has disappointed me since I was a young, but not so small, child could advance to the NHL Conference Finals, I would once again begin posting on the Couchwarmers. Little did they know that this was an empty promise. You see, win or lose, I was planning on a Couchwarmers one-month reunion tour. But now that the Rangers have advanced to the Eastern Conference Finals, at least I'm significantly happier than I would have been otherwise. Plus, now I come off as being trustworthy. All of you are sheep.<br />
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Last week, I finished my final semester of grad school classroom work. In about a month from now, I head up to Maine for my summer counselor job. Between now and then, I head to California on a ten-day road trip. If there was ever a time to fire this thing back up, it's now. So to reward all of you still-loyal readers, the Couchwarmers is back for a one-month run. Or maybe are back. Is this thing still plural? Whatever. We're back. Rejoice. Go riot in the streets.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_LqQxOeFx2Y0/Rt72yizdBxI/AAAAAAAAAAc/vnZDAOOvig0/s1600/logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="94" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_LqQxOeFx2Y0/Rt72yizdBxI/AAAAAAAAAAc/vnZDAOOvig0/s200/logo.jpg" width="200" /></a>So why are we back? Is it to alert all of you as to what an <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Augbesian" target="_blank">augbesian</a> is? Well, yes. But I'd like to think that we have other reasons as well. And those reasons revolve around what started the Couchwarmers in the first place: lots and lots of free time.<br />
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For the next two weeks, I literally have nothing to do. So here's my attempt to fill that downtime. After that, I travel to California, where I will go to five baseball stadiums and eat a lot of food. I've already <a href="http://couchwarmers.blogspot.com/search/label/baseball" target="_blank">written about a lot about</a> <a href="http://couchwarmers.blogspot.com/search/label/food" target="_blank">of both of those</a>, and hope to do so again. Then I get back to New York and have a week and a half before I leave civilization for eight weeks. But between now and then, expect to be entertained.<br />
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Furthermore, if any of my former associates would like to <a href="mailto:couchwarmers@gmail.com" target="_blank">contribute</a> over the next month, we would be more than glad to have you write. If you have any sort of inane rants that you feel that you need to share with seven billion people, go right on ahead. I know for a fact that <a href="http://couchwarmers.blogspot.com/2010/05/guest-post-peters-self-interview.html" target="_blank">Little George</a> has kept a list on his phone of topics that he could write about. Having read through it, I can tell you that this list is completely ridiculous, mildly racist, and occasionally needlessly pornographic -- and might be full of some of the greatest ideas I've heard in a long time.<br />
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So that's it. There won't be any regular sort of posting schedule. No more Friday links. No more weekend recaps. I'll just post whenever I feel like it. And really, isn't that what the Couchwarmers should be about anyway? With no structure and no restrictions, just doing what you want, when you want to do it. The group that includes students on break and the <a href="http://www.google.com/publicdata/explore?ds=z1ebjpgk2654c1_&met_y=unemployment_rate&idim=country:US&fdim_y=seasonality:S&dl=en&hl=en&q=unemployment+rate" target="_blank">8.2%</a> is full of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg" target="_blank">honey badgers</a>.<br />
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So get excited, loyal readers. And if you're reading this, thanks for sticking with us through our 16-month hibernation. We're excited to be back.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-56022551458614812532010-12-30T12:08:00.000-05:002010-12-30T12:08:56.749-05:00How To Gloat After Winning Your Fantasy League<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://dadarocks.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/pop_mini-qb-fantasy-football-trophy_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="http://dadarocks.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/pop_mini-qb-fantasy-football-trophy_1.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><i>After what seems like an eternity playing fantasy football, I finally won a league this year. The following is an email I sent to the rest of the league shortly after the championship game concluded. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, feel free to use this basic template to rub your victory in the faces of the rest of the league. Basically, it's like a taunting Mad Lib. Fill in the blanks where necessary:</i></div><div><br />
</div><i>(Number of years in the league)</i> seasons, countless hours spent provoking <i>(Owner #1)</i> via email, and several emotionally-conflicting <i>(quarterback who you own but plays for a rival team)</i> touchdown passes later and all I have to say is this: it's about fucking time.<br />
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It all started so poorly. My first year, I finished dead last and then in the offseason, I gave up <i>(star player)</i> to a commissioner who was taking advantage of an owner that did not yet fully grasp the intricacies of the keeper system (seriously, <i>(Owner #2)</i> shouldn't be allowed to trade with first-year owners). In my third year though, my luck changed. I made the playoffs. But I lost. Then I made the playoffs again. I lost again. Another playoffs. Another loss. This year, I was fully ready to cement myself as the Marty Schottenheimer of the league. Four straight years in the playoffs, three championship games, and until now, no championships. But thanks to dumb luck and others' stupidity, this year was different. <i>(Feel free to edit details of your own league history as you see fit.)</i><br />
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I have so many people to thank for this: <i>(Player #1)</i>, <i>(Player #2)</i>, <i>(Owner #3)</i> (for trading me <i>(Player #1)</i> and <i>(Player #2)</i>), <i>(Player #3)</i>, and <i>(Owner #4)</i> (for refusing my <i>(Player #3)</i>-<i>(much worse player)</i> trade -- to name a few.<br />
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Of course, sheer dumb luck also played a part. As the oracle <i>(Owner who you don't feel the need to insult)</i> once opined, "This league is 90% luck. Fuck you, <i>(Owner #5)</i>." I couldn't agree more. This championship is yet more proof that fantasy football is nothing more than luck -- <i>(shitty player)</i> geting me 22 points in the championship game should be as much evidence as you need. And <i>(Owner #5) </i>should always be put in his place.<br />
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Still, in all my years playing fantasy football, this is my <i>(first title/first title that matters/finest moment)</i> and I will consequently rejoice now that the curse has been broken. There will be riots and looting in the streets. <i>(Hometown)</i> will never be the same. Or maybe it will be. I doubt anyone cares about this but me. Whatever. <i>(Insert gripe about putting up with the mundaneness and mindless work of your job/school)</i>. Let me have my moment. I'll try not to pull a muscle patting myself on the back.<br />
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Thanks. I appreciate it.<br />
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Finally, as a man much poorer than Randy Moss once said: "Straight check, homey. When you're a <i>(student/grad student/lowly office peon/migrant worker)</i>, you can't afford to have cash lost in the mail."<br />
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Love,<br />
The Champ</div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-54608598118059429762010-12-28T21:51:00.000-05:002010-12-28T21:51:35.996-05:00Turducken<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9hNTzS7FIEw/TRqXfES823I/AAAAAAAAAOY/MCiuCEGT1vg/s1600/turducken.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9hNTzS7FIEw/TRqXfES823I/AAAAAAAAAOY/MCiuCEGT1vg/s200/turducken.jpeg" width="153" /></a></div>For the past few years, one of my friends and I have tried, every year around New Years, to out-do our previous gluttonous experiences. Last year, we re-created the taco from the <a href="http://www.hulu.com/watch/1447/saturday-night-live-taco-town" target="_blank">"Taco Town" SNL commercial</a> all the way up until they wrap it in a crepe. Fine dining it was not, but delicious it most certainly was. For several years though, we'd wanted to get a turducken, but for some reason, we hadn't worked up the courage to actually get one.<br />
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So this year, after throwing the idea around for what seemed like forever, I actually ordered a Turducken. I don't know what finally convinced me to, but I wasn't going to let another food opportunity like this pass me by. I did my research online and decided to order from <a href="http://www.cajungrocer.com/fresh-foods-holiday-dishes-turducken-c-1_15_24.html" target="_blank">cajungrocer.com</a>. They seemed to get good reviews, and better yet, they were having a sale. I couldn't pass this opportunity up. It was like fate had magically intervened. I ordered it.<br />
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Three days later, the package arrived, and I put the bird -- pardon me, birds -- into the fridge to thaw. The package said for every five pounds of bird, it needed one day to thaw. The Turducken weighed about fifteen pounds total and was going to be eaten in three days. Again, perfect.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9hNTzS7FIEw/TRp3LNq9O3I/AAAAAAAAAOQ/8FNeQIGOXuc/s1600/IMG_4134.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9hNTzS7FIEw/TRp3LNq9O3I/AAAAAAAAAOQ/8FNeQIGOXuc/s200/IMG_4134.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>Finally, the big day came. The turducken came with complete cooking instructions -- basically, you put it in a roasting pan, cover it with tinfoil, and put it in a 325-degree oven. For the last hour, you remove the foil so the outside can get that nice brown color. You can't cook it at a higher temperature, because then the outside of the bird will dry out before the inside gets a chance to properly cook. You're supposed to take the turducken out of the oven when the middle reaches 165 degrees. The whole thing is should take 4.5 hours, or so the packaging said. I put the bird(s) in the oven at 1:45PM in anticipation of eating around 7.<br />
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Fast forward to 7:00PM and the turducken was still in the oven. Thanks to my handy meat thermometer, I knew that the temperature was still somewhere in the 140s and slowly rising. I took the foil off to let the outside brown, and watched intently as the thermometer rose, degree by degree. By the time it was at 160, a small crowd had gathered in front of it, cheering and exchanging high fives every time the temperature went up. Finally, shortly after 8PM, we hit the magic number. Among much jubilation, I removed the turducken from the oven.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9hNTzS7FIEw/TRqTJMU_qnI/AAAAAAAAAOU/QHNlDWg7How/s1600/IMG_4156.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9hNTzS7FIEw/TRqTJMU_qnI/AAAAAAAAAOU/QHNlDWg7How/s200/IMG_4156.JPG" width="150" /></a></div>After waiting 20-25 minutes for the bird(s) to cool, I started carving. The inside looked beautiful. Like a work of art. It smelled delicious. And then the moment of truth. I took a bite....<br />
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And I was upset. Incredibly upset. Because at that moment, I realized that I had spent 25 years of my life without turducken. Until that moment, it seemed insignificant. But now, I knew better.<br />
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Each bird was delicious. The stuffing was even more awesome. And the side of bacon-cheese-mashed potatoes that I made from scratch was pretty damn good too, if I do say so myself.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9hNTzS7FIEw/TRqeHgYQfeI/AAAAAAAAAOg/28onM9Kj_kM/s1600/IMG_4162.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9hNTzS7FIEw/TRqeHgYQfeI/AAAAAAAAAOg/28onM9Kj_kM/s200/IMG_4162.JPG" width="150" /></a></div>In all, I give the turducken experience a 9 out of 10. The only things keeping it from being a perfect 10 were the extended cooking time and that it was incredibly difficult to carve neatly -- although with a little bit of mess, I was able to get the job done. But since neither of those things affected the overall taste, there's no way to give it anything lower than that.<br />
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So if you've never had one, you should find an excuse. Gather your friends, have everyone chip in a few bucks, and then you can stuff your faces with several different types of bird. And I highly recommend going with the cornbread stuffing. Cooked inside the bird, it turns into this juicy cornbread paste-type thing, in a good sort of way. When the 13 of us were done eating, this is all that was left:<br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Two legs, two wings, and assorted scraps. Yes, it was that good. And if I could give one word of advice, it would be to make sure everyone knows to be patient. Allow yourself much more time than you think you'll need to cook it. The packaging said 4.5 should do the trick -- I ended up taking the turducken out of my oven a little more than 6 hours after I'd put it in, and it was cooked perfectly. In other words, it was well worth the extra hour-and-a-half to make sure we didn't get salmonella.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">So in all, the great turducken experiment was a resounding success. And even though I've now checked turducken off my list of life eating experiences, it's definitely something I'll be doing again.</div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-6737335619026104822010-12-25T09:59:00.005-05:002010-12-25T11:07:44.123-05:00The ESPN Year-End MontageI've taken some slack recently about the lack of posts on here. Some of you have come to me claiming that <i>The Couchwarmers</i> is dead. Well, I'll respond justly -- we're not dead. We're just taking a really heavy nap. It's what we do best here at <i>The Couchwarmers</i>. If you don't like it, <i>The Huffington Post</i> is right down the road. You know, in that gated neighborhood.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.vintagepostcards.org/auctions/ice-hockey-face-off-santa-claus-christmas-holiday-sports-russia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="127" src="http://www.vintagepostcards.org/auctions/ice-hockey-face-off-santa-claus-christmas-holiday-sports-russia.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Also, Merry Christmas, everyone. And look -- Santa is dropping a hockey puck. Or in other words, this is what happens when you Google image search "christmas sports".<br />
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Sure, I'm Jewish, but I look forward to several things every year about Christmas. Like the ESPN year-in-review montage they always do. Personally, I think the best they've done is the 1999 "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0sZ_oPBFr8" target="_blank">Images of the Century</a>" set to Aerosmith's "Dream On." But it's kind of an unfair fight, since that one got to work with 100 years of clips while most of the montages only get 365 days worth of material.<br />
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Still, I've always wondered what happens if something monumental happens in the sports world between Christmas and New Years. I caught this year's montage at the end of SportsCenter last night, and I thought it was pretty good. But what happens if something truly amazing happens during the last week of 2010? They can't go back and change it. A good 2010 montage would be ruined by the omission of the play in the Jets-Bears game tomorrow where a blitzing Brian Urlacher actually kills Mark Sanchez and then has his way with the corpse. A clip like that would need to be in the year-end montage -- tastefully done, of course.<br />
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Here's hoping that something big happens over the next seven days. You know, maybe without the necrophilia. Or with it. Whatever. I just want to see how they handle it.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-49417589792223139232010-12-12T20:12:00.000-05:002010-12-12T20:12:03.478-05:00Watch as the Metrodome Roof CollapsesFrom the videos-you-need-to-see department: This morning, they had cameras rolling inside of the Metrodome as snow caused the roof to cave in. The part with the big thing of snow getting dumped on the field at about 0:17 looks completely CGI, but it's most definitely not.<br />
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For what it's worth, I think they should have played the game today anyway. It's not like the pile of snow would have been any tougher to get past than the Giants' defensive line.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-36687192864267147362010-12-10T12:14:00.001-05:002010-12-10T12:15:33.607-05:00The Hanukkah Snuggie CommercialWhile watching TV this morning, I saw this ad:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/P/l/3/god-hates-snuggies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/P/l/3/god-hates-snuggies.jpg" width="133" /></a></div>It seems as though the people over at Snuggie are still pushing hard for you to give the gift of sleeved blanket for Hanukkah this year. But Hanukkah's over. Wednesday was the last night. I believe the commercial put it best: "Oy!"<br />
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So buy the Snuggie. It's the perfect gift for Hanukkah 2011 -- or 5772, depending on who you're asking.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-38908890757417709082010-12-08T14:33:00.000-05:002010-12-08T14:33:10.332-05:00It's Goddamn Snack Time!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.tauntr.com/sites/default/files/gameimages/RyanGame-Feature.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="112" src="http://cdn.tauntr.com/sites/default/files/gameimages/RyanGame-Feature.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Take solace, Jets fans. After the 45-3 whooping delivered to the Jets by the Patriots a few nights ago, you can now get your revenge in video game form. I give you: <a href="http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/555532" target="_blank">Goddamn Snack Time</a>. If you're playing it at work or at school, just make sure the volume's off. If you're playing it in the comfort of your own home, crank it up. The Rex-isms make it that much more enjoyable. Much like <i>The Couchwarmers</i>, it's good for killing a few minutes at work. And when it all comes down to it, isn't that why you're here?<br />
<br />
Also, I didn't realize this until the third time I played, but you actually have to eat Tom Brady -- simply jumping to avoid the footballs won't do the trick. Just so you're aware.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-53857656533065939152010-11-29T20:14:00.002-05:002010-11-29T20:24:45.209-05:00Name That Stolen TuneSo I was in my car the other day, and heard a song on the <a href="http://www.1071thepeak.com/" target="_blank">independent radio station here</a> that I didn't recognize, but that I liked. I kept listening until the end of the song to hear who it was, and much to my dismay, the DJ announced that it was a song off The Decemberists' new album.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><br />
</div>I have no specific reason for disliking the Decemberists. In fact, I don't ever think I've ever really listened to them. If I gave them a chance, I might even like them. But it seems as though any time non-mainstream bands are being talked about, there's that one guy who inevitably brings up the Decemberists. I'm not like the rest of you. I'm my own person, dammit.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><object height="330" width="410"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qR9DjdMrpHg?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qR9DjdMrpHg?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="410" height="330"></embed></object></div><br />
But then it occurred to me why I liked this song so much -- it's a rip-off of a song I already like. Take a listen. And for those of you who were born after 1989 or so, the answer's after the jump.<br />
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Your answer:<br />
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<br />
I think it's pretty obvious. As in, I keep expecting The Decemberists to yell FIIIIIIRE!!!! after the chorus. But this could just be me. Oh wait, it's <a href="http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&biw=1374&bih=676&q=%22the+one+i+love%22+%22down+by+the+water%22&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=" target="_blank">not</a>.<br />
<br />
Very sneaky, Decemberists. I don't like you yet. But write a catchy knockoff of a Hootie & the Blowfish song and maybe I'll reconsider.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-77457376756146585042010-11-24T17:17:00.001-05:002010-11-24T17:22:35.010-05:00A Very TurBacon ThanksgivingHappy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful that I haven't given you a single post I promised to in the past week and you're still reading this. Your loyalty warms my heart. Unfortunately though, your loyalty will not unclog my heart if I was ever to enjoy a glorious TurBacon. But that's a risk I think I may have to take.<br />
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<br />
This may be the second most impressive Turducken variation I've ever heard about. The first? From the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turducken" target="_blank">Wikipedia page</a> itself:<br />
<blockquote><i>In his 1807 Almanach des Gourmands, gastronomist Grimod de La Reynière presents his rôti sans pareil ("roast without equal"): a bustard stuffed with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a guinea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an ortolan bunting and a garden warbler. The final bird is very small but large enough to hold just an olive; it also suggests that, unlike modern multi-bird roasts, there was no stuffing or other packing placed in between the birds. It appears to be illegal to make today as some of the species are endangered.</i></blockquote><div>That's all the proof I need that knowledge of wrongdoing can make something that much more delicious. Enjoy your feasts. If you need me, look for the one stuck to the couch, oozing turkey and pie.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.glidemagazine.com/hiddentrack/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/turducken.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://www.glidemagazine.com/hiddentrack/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/turducken.jpg" width="200" /></a></div></div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-76995250420988848792010-11-17T15:29:00.000-05:002010-11-17T15:29:00.263-05:00Creed ShredsFunny, he <a href="http://www.facebook.com/ernie.jew" target="_blank">doesn't look it</a>.<br />
<br />
The wedding was lovely. Congrats again to the happy couple. If you didn't <a href="http://twitter.com/Couchwarmers/status/3696201002127360" target="_blank">see already on Twitter</a>, I forgot the collar stays for my shirt, but improvised using pieces of an In-N-Out straw. I'm the homeless man's Martha Stewart. Prison joke.<br />
<br />
I haven't decided which of the three aforepromised things you're going to get from me later on this week, but seeing as how I'm off to class in a little bit, you're not getting anything today. Except for this video, which I promise will more than make up for me not talking about food or Canada until later this week.<br />
<br />
<object height="304" width="410"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ms61I54CeQA?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ms61I54CeQA?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="410" height="304"></embed></object>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-68357076644162790932010-11-17T00:55:00.003-05:002010-11-17T01:00:53.056-05:00Shouldn't "Baylor" Be Plural?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9hNTzS7FIEw/TONuegpNbwI/AAAAAAAAAOI/E5IA-nL063k/s1600/2+baylor+1+uconn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9hNTzS7FIEw/TONuegpNbwI/AAAAAAAAAOI/E5IA-nL063k/s320/2+baylor+1+uconn.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Upcoming story or brand-new fetish porn video? You decide. And if you decide on the latter, be ready to define "Baylor" and "UConn" in your answer.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-62848996268033751442010-11-12T20:23:00.000-05:002010-11-12T20:23:43.463-05:00Fuck Kansas<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://rlv.zcache.com/kansas_sucks_tshirt-p235297831861969506qw9y_400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://rlv.zcache.com/kansas_sucks_tshirt-p235297831861969506qw9y_400.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>That's right. Fuck it. I don't know what I ever did to piss it off, but it sure has it out for me.<br />
<br />
I woke up this morning at 7AM to get to the airport, so I didn't get much sleep last night. By the time I drifted off, we were somewhere over the middle of the country. I slept for roughly half an hour until I was shaken awake by some pretty good turbulence. I took a look at the flight map on the screen in front of me and lo and behold, we'd just passed from Missouri into Kansas.<br />
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It wasn't all bad though. At one point during the turbulence, the plane did that thing where it dropped suddenly and an Asian lady sitting a few rows behind me let out a shriek. I giggled. Was it worth the turbulence? Sure. But I was still mad at Kansas for waking me up.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
This wasn't the first time that Kansas has had it out for me. About six years ago, I did the whole cross-country road trip thing. As I wrote in my trip journal back in 2004:<br />
<blockquote><i>Kansas sucks. It's a boring drive through a terrible state, made worse by the fact that our stereo was broken (a 9-hour driving day with no radio would kind of suck anyway, I guess), and that it was raining and that our car's roof leaked. We thought that maybe it was just a bad all-around day, but the worthlessness of Kansas was cemented when, as soon as we crossed the border into Colorado, the skies cleared up and it became a great day. And later that night we had amazing buffalo burgers. So it wasn't the day, it was Kansas. </i></blockquote>Plus, I've only ever met one person who was from Kansas. She was on a hiking trip I took after my 10th grade year. She sucked. And it wasn't just me who didn't like her -- we all hated her, mostly because she was bossy and obnoxious.<br />
<br />
But on the bright side, the last time we ever talked was after Syracuse beat Kansas in the 2003 NCAA Final. I saw that she was online -- before this, we'd talked maybe once, briefly, in the two or so years since the hiking trip ended -- and I said something along the lines of: "HAHAHA KANSAS LOST GO SUCK A DICK"<br />
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She blocked me. We haven't talked since.<br />
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I'm going to go get some dinner. Fuck Kansas.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-9425118776409933862010-11-11T21:54:00.000-05:002010-11-11T21:54:23.462-05:00Housekeeping<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_BBGqJK5AW9o/SY8aD9Tb9VI/AAAAAAAAAjI/0OvPuWM0P6k/s320/gangbanger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_BBGqJK5AW9o/SY8aD9Tb9VI/AAAAAAAAAjI/0OvPuWM0P6k/s200/gangbanger.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>No, I'm not actually cleaning my house. I would never do that. But as I sit here watching hockey and contemplating whether the most pathetic 5-on-3 I've ever seen belongs to the Rangers or those overweight divorcees I saw in that eight-way gangbang, I realized that I hadn't said hi in more than a week.<br />
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Also, when I typed "hockey gangbang" into Google image search, that Bert and Ernie pic is what they gave me on Page 1. Or would have given me on Page 1 if Google Image Search still had pages.<br />
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But the real reason I'm here is to hold myself accountable. Over a month ago, I promised a review of the Rogers Centre. That hasn't come yet. Conveniently, I'm able to blame the research paper I turned in yesterday. But now that that's finished, I have no excuse.<br />
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Well, except for that tomorrow I'm going to California. I'll just be there for the weekend for a wedding. If you're reading this, Disner -- congratulations. And when you're signing the official name change certificate for yourself, try not to cry.<br />
<br />
While I'm on the topic of giving shout-outs, I'd like to give one to my brother too, who just got accepted to Columbia to play tennis.<br />
<br />
Fun fact: I'm currently on a one-match winning streak against a current Division I college player. When my brother was 9, he was convinced he could beat me at tennis. I was 16 and had argued my way onto my school's JV team, so while I was fat and lazy, I wasn't awful.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_peLg3xECO5g/SIs_b3I1kII/AAAAAAAAAK4/8ppnYKyqg9Y/s320/Pier_Pressure59.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_peLg3xECO5g/SIs_b3I1kII/AAAAAAAAAK4/8ppnYKyqg9Y/s200/Pier_Pressure59.jpg" width="200" /></a>We played. I won 6-0. He left crying. I left feeling pretty damn good about myself. If anything, it was a lesson in humility. And that's why....you don't challenge your older brother....to tennis matches.<br />
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And if he challenges me again? I'll choose not to play. A winning streak is a winning streak, regardless of the circumstances.<br />
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Oh, and I also promised Sam Silverman a shout-out if he got me a lobster roll on visiting day at my camp a few months ago. Consider this your shout-out. Thanks for the lobster roll. It was delicious.<br />
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Now on to the to-do list:<br />
<br />
1) Rogers Centre Review: You know, the Toronto baseball stadium. The good. The bad. The hopelessly Canadian. Everything.<br />
<br />
2) Peter Luger: The Brooklyn steakhouse/food institution. I went there for the first time a few weeks ago. I'll let you know what the best item on the menu is. Teaser: it's not the steak. Intrigued? Nah, you probably don't give a shit. It's the bacon. But I'll have more on that later.<br />
<br />
3) California Food Review: My first-ever trip to In-N-Out Burger. In an attempt at some culinary foreplay, I've been looking at hamburger pics online for like a week.<br />
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Hey, the Rangers just won. Good for them. And now, it's time for <i>30 Rock</i>. Have a wonderful weekend. I'll be breaking out the shorts and sandals for one last 2010 hurrah.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-81630954513353562072010-11-02T11:12:00.001-04:002010-11-02T11:13:15.476-04:00Reaction to the Moss Waiving<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div><a href="http://www.footballbabble.com/images/randy-moss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://www.footballbabble.com/images/randy-moss.jpg" width="179" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Yes, I'm back. It's been a while. I guess Randy Moss was just what I needed to get me inspired to write...cause if anyone can inspire, it's Randy, right?</span></div><div><br />
</div><div>Two points about Moss getting cut. The first is about how we found out and the second is about where he'll end up.</div><div></div><div><br />
Everyone who still poo-poos Twitter and thinks it's just a platform for narcissistic people to tell their friends what they're doing should take a moment to observe what happened yesterday:<br />
<a name='more'></a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">At approximately 3pm yesterday afternoon, during an unbearably slow news day, Mike Lombardi of the NFL Network tweeted the following:</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"></span><img alt="http://twitter.com/michaelombardi/status/29396962259" height="190" src="http://kwout.com/cutout/8/wg/h6/t94_bor_w410.jpg" style="border: none;" title="Twitter / Michael Lombardi: Filed to NFL net Moss waived" usemap="#map_8wgh6t94" width="405" /><br />
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Within minutes, those 6 words (5, if you don't count NFL as a word) were retweeted hundreds of times and paraphrased probably another hundred thousand. The responses ranged from, "That can't be true" to "Who the hell is Mike Lombardi?" It took about twenty minutes for news sources to pick the story up and, even then, the story was credited to Lombardi's tweet, not to any "official" sources like coaches or team management. Only later was the story confirmed.</div><div><br />
</div><div>And that's precisely why Twitter is so powerful. I don't know Mike Lombardi personally but I am familiar with his work as a legitimate and trustworthy NFL reporter. By following him on Twitter, I implicitly convey my faith in the validity of his reporting. If he were to err, I could unfollow him. But he had not let me down before. So when Lombardi tweeted that Moss was waived, I believed him, even amongst the onslaught of doubt that ensued.<br />
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And sure, had Twitter not existed, I could have found out about the move on ESPN a half hour later, but where's the fun in that? There's a thrill in being the first to know something and there's a thrill in seeking out answers to questions when those answers are not readily available. Yesterday, we all had the opportunity (albeit for only a half hour or so) to poke and prod around the Internet to find out what really happened with Randy Moss...and it was all because somewhere, on some phone or laptop, Mike Lombardi typed up a few words and pushed "post." Pretty freakin' cool.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div>So to bring this back to football, where does Randy end up after he clears waivers? Well, we can easily narrow it down to a handful of possible suitors. First, the team must be a playoff contender. Sorry, Bills, Browns, Bengals, Jaguars, Broncos, Cowboys, Lions, Panthers and 49ers, you're off the list. Next, the team must be in need of a wide receiver. That crosses off the Dolphins, Colts, Texans, Chargers (getting Vincent Jackson back soon), Giants, Eagles, Packers, Falcons, Bucs (I believe in Mike Williams), Saints, Seahawks (I also believe in the other Mike Williams) and Cardinals. Clearly, he isn't going back to New England or Minnesota. Take Pittsburgh out of the running cause Dan Rooney is not about to find out what happens when you put Ben Roethlisberger and Randy Moss in the same room. Same goes for Vince Young and Moss, so the Titans are out.<br />
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So that leaves us with the Jets, Chiefs, Raiders (part 2?), Redskins, Bears and Rams. </div><div><br />
</div><div>My gut feeling: St. Louis, as I predicted yesterday (on Twitter!) Why?</div><div><br />
</div><div>1) They're desperate for WR help after Mark Clayton's season ending injury<br />
<br />
</div><div>2) The Rams are only half a game back of the lead in the extremely winnable NFC West<br />
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</div><div>3) They have a young quarterback in Sam Bradford who looks very legit even without any big name targets<br />
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</div><div>4) They have a no-nonsense coach in Steve Spagnuolo who could keep Moss in order (if that's even possible, at this point)</div><div><br />
</div><div>So keep your eyes and ears open for where Randy signs. If it's St. Louis, remember I said it. If he goes, anywhere else, well, stop following me on Twitter.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-76050869188124933292010-11-01T11:57:00.000-04:002010-11-01T11:57:11.699-04:00Leftover CandyIs there some candy that just reminds you of Halloween? For example, Baby Ruth bars. During the year, I never eat them, and I really don't know anyone else who does either. If I want a candy bar with the ingredients that a Baby Ruth has, I'll buy a Snickers. But just because Baby Ruth comes in the variety pack with the Butterfinger and the 100 Grand, I'm stuck with it. And of course after the trick-or-treaters have taken most of the candy, all that's left are the Baby Ruths and the Crunch Bars, which I invariably end up eating myself.<br />
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I'm not complaining, though. Candy is candy. Unless it's Raisinettes. Then it's just fucking disgusting.<br />
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Anyway, I've got a big research paper to write, so I don't have much for you today, but for those of you who need cheering up on this Monday (I'm looking at you, Jets fans), I leave you with this video. Happy November.<br />
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<object height="255" width="410"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/hQTtMXZs2LA?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/hQTtMXZs2LA?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="410" height="255"></embed></object>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-42123527285377683232010-10-27T11:58:00.000-04:002010-10-27T12:01:54.205-04:00The SportsCenter LeBron LovefestAs someone who enjoys SportsCenter's daily Top Ten, I particularly dislike the NBA for what it does to the top plays. Unfortunately for me and everyone else who's not a Heat fan, the Top Ten from October all the way until May/June is dominated by one person -- and most of the time he's on there for plays that are good, yet unspectacular. I can't be the only one annoyed by Lebron James' takeover of the Top Ten, can I?<br />
<br />
<a href="http://thehype.files.wordpress.com/2006/09/top10b.jpg?w=425" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://thehype.files.wordpress.com/2006/09/top10b.jpg?w=425" width="200" /></a>So this year I'm trying something different. When I can, I'm going to track LeBron's Top Ten overexposure. Using a 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 scoring system, where he gets 10 points for being top play #1, and 1 point for being #10, we're going to track this. Let's start with last night:<br />
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Not surprisingly, LeBron had two top plays:<br />
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His first one came in at #5, and was a block against the backboard. Nice play, but not spectacular. Had it been anyone else making the block, would it have been in the Top 10? Possibly if it was Nate Robinson, but that's about it. Six very undeserving points.<br />
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And of course, he had the top play. Was it something jaw-droppingly amazing? No. It was a breakaway where he dunked it really hard. Does this get on the Top 10 if it's not LeBron? Maybe it sneaks in at #8 or #9 on a slow night. But it definitely wasn't #1-worthy.<br />
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So that's sixteen points on night one. Stay tuned. And help me stay tuned -- there will be nights when I'm not able to watch SportsCenter, or more likely, nights when I simply forget. So if you loyal readers could keep an eye out for this for me, I would be appreciative. Smart money has this system dying out by mid-November. But wouldn't it be fun if we could keep it going for a while?<br />
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Finally, I know all of you are probably as shocked as I am that I'm writing about the NBA. But this continual desecration of the Top Ten will not stand. This has nothing to do with any sort of animosity towards LeBron for crapping all over Cleveland or anything -- this has to do with the sanctity of a SportsCenter institution whose integrity is compromised because of one person. Help do your part.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-16080586150655420802010-10-21T12:12:00.002-04:002010-10-21T12:30:04.111-04:00Using Your Head<i>"If I get a chance to knock somebody out, I'm going to knock them out and take what they give me. They give me a helmet, I'm going to use it." --Dolphins Linebacker Channing Crowder</i><br />
<div><br />
</div><div>I'm sure that many of you who read this article probably laughed at Crowder's comments and <a href="http://corner.bigblueinteractive.com/index.php?mode=2&thread=388235" target="_blank">brushed him off as being as idiot</a>. And yes, Channing Crowder is an <a href="http://deadspin.com/314977/channing-crowder-is-a-citizen-of-the-world" target="_blank">idiot</a>. But unintentionally, Crowder makes a great point.<br />
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</div><div>As most of you know, the NFL has recently made a point of cracking down on helmet-to-helmet hits with the intention of reducing the number of head injuries that result from them. And the reason for this is simple -- as Crowder indicated, players are using their helmets as weapons, not safety devices.</div><div><br />
</div><div>When I played football in high school (albeit not very well), I was a defensive lineman. We had an offensive lineman on our team who would come off the snap with the goal of thrusting his helmet right into your facemask. Needless to say, going against him sucked, and most of the time, you ended up going home after practice with a ringing headache. But he was a good lineman, and his method was pretty effective.</div><div><br />
</div><div><a href="http://voices.washingtonpost.com/early-lead/jh1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://voices.washingtonpost.com/early-lead/jh1.jpg" width="200" /></a>Now I know that this type of helmet-to-helmet hit isn't the same as a receiver and a defensive back, both running at full speed, colliding, and that the league isn't looking to crack down on linemen hitting each other with their helmets, but I'm using this to make a point -- a helmet makes a great weapon. You put a shell on your head and a hard mask over your face, and you'll use it with the idea that you can't get hurt. </div><div><br />
</div><div>So what can the NFL do? It can start suspending people, but as Channing Crowder indicated, there will still be players who keep doing what they've been doing. A suspension isn't going to deter them. Still, I think I have a simple solution: get rid of the hard-shelled helmet.</div></div><div><br />
</div><div>I think that players would be much less likely to throw themselves at someone like a projectile (as <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zb1CmHk9GK0" target="_blank">Brandon Merriweather did last weekend</a>) if they weren't wearing helmets. You're not supposed to tackle the way that Merriweather does, but NFL players do, simply because it's effective. Would a player be as likely to lower his head and go recklessly into an opponent if he was wearing a <a href="http://www.soccerfiesta.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/petr_cech.jpg" target="_blank">Petr Cech-style helmet</a>?</div><div><br />
</div><div>I say no. The statistic that people like to throw around is that <a href="http://bjsm.bmj.com/content/42/7/595.abstract" target="_blank">there aren't as many serious head injuries in rugby</a>, even though they're not wearing helmets. Sure, this may mean more injuries such as facial cuts and broken noses, but isn't that a much better problem to have than a spate of concussions that <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2734941" target="_blank">affect the brains of NFL players</a> for the rest of their lives?<br />
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Now I'm pretty sure that the league that would never go for something like this, but as a whole, I think getting rid of hard-shelled helmets would make the game safer. Players would be forced to tackle by squaring up and trying to put their shoulders through another player's midsection, not by recklessly throwing themselves headfirst at their opponent.<br />
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If a child uses a toy to hurt other kids, you usually end up taking it away from him. If the NFL keeps giving Channing Crowder a helmet, he's going to try to keep hurting other players. Maybe they shouldn't give him that option.</div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-64657677284686315152010-10-19T10:57:00.001-04:002010-10-19T10:58:25.901-04:00Would You Vote For This Man?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_BQJcMSw029c/SJcZPWNw81I/AAAAAAAAA2E/YPjn7ZDnykg/s400/Jimmy+McMullen%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_BQJcMSw029c/SJcZPWNw81I/AAAAAAAAA2E/YPjn7ZDnykg/s320/Jimmy+McMullen%5B1%5D.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">After hearing him voice his opinions during last night's New York gubernatorial debate -- maybe. Judge for yourself:</div><a name='more'></a><br />
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This is Jimmy McMillan, a Vietnam veteran and founder of the "Rent is Too Damn High" Party. He actually <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_McMillan" target="_blank">received over 2500 votes</a> for New York City mayor last year -- although considering how many people live in NYC, maybe this isn't as impressive as it sounds.<br />
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<a href="http://www.rentistoodamnhigh.org/" target="_blank">Geocities-style website from 1997</a> notwithstanding, I like this guy. I have friends who live in the city. I know roughly what they're paying. And yes, the rent <i>is</i> too damn high. Plus, he's incredibly open-minded -- the "you can marry a shoe if you want" comment at the end of the above video is his response to a question on gay marriage.<br />
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In addition, he's a karate expert. He has three bronze stars. He wears "debate gloves". And he has a <a href="http://www.rentistoodamnhigh.org/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/they_took.mp3" target="_blank">song</a>!<br />
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Is it too late to register to vote in New York?Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-1061605160002083952010-10-13T10:36:00.011-04:002010-10-13T10:47:15.061-04:00Wikipedia and the Art of the Fake Blowjob<a href="http://vancouver.24hrs.ca/Sports/hockey/2010/10/11/BLOWME256.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://vancouver.24hrs.ca/Sports/hockey/2010/10/11/BLOWME256.jpg" width="200" /></a>In yesterday's post, I mentioned how one of the consequences of getting into an immature-off with Sean Avery is that your Wikipedia page gets messed with. What I didn't explore though, were the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=James_Wisniewski&action=history" target="_blank">edits that James Wisniewski's page had gone through</a> since the incident. My bad. I can't just leave you guys hanging like that. Now that Wisniewski has officially been suspended by the league, I now present to you the fine work of the Editors-in-Chief of Wikipedia -- all six billion of them:<br />
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First, the mention of the incident as it currently reads:<br />
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<i>On October 12, 2010, he was suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture towards Sean Avery.</i><br />
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Well, that's no fun. Let's see what else has been put up:<br />
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<i>On October 12, 2010, he was suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture towards Sean Avery, performing fellatio on an imaginary penis.</i><br />
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I just don't understand why they'd get rid of the last part. Are they worried that it's too obscene for Wikipedia? Trust me, there's worse. For example, go to the Wikipedia page on fellatio. Or if you're at school or at work, don't.<br />
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><i>On October 12, 2010, he was suspended for two games for making an obscene cock-smoking gesture towards Sean Avery.</i></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">Yet another example of Wikipedia removing accurate information for no good reason. I still don't get it.</span></i><br />
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"></span>On October 12, 2010, he was suspended for two games for performing felatio on Sean Avery.</i><br />
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Okay, so this one is just wrong. At least this person's heart was in the right place, even if his perception of the location of Sean Avery's penis wasn't. Besides, we can't all be <a href="http://boston.barstoolsports.com/random-thoughts/hillary-duff-teaches-all-girls-how-to-handle-getting-engaged/" target="_blank">Mike Comrie</a>.<br />
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<i>He recently told the often hated Sean Avery to place his genitals in his mouth. For this it is like Wizniewski will receive discipline.</i><br />
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Grammatically incorrect. And the "his" is ambiguous. Is this referring to Avery's or Wisniewski's genitals? Also, can we expound on the discipline that Wisniewski is likely to receive?<br />
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<i>He recently told the often hated Sean Avery to place his genitals in his mouth. For this it is likely Wizniewski will be disciplined, although it is well known that Colin Campbell uses Manatees and ping pong balls to determine who gets punishment and when.</i><br />
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Somewhere in New York City, Colin Campbell sits in a corner office, trolling the internet. "Ah, shit! They figured it out! Quick, edit the page!"<br />
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<i>On October 12, 2010, he was suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture towards Sean Avery.</i><br />
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"Perfect."Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-33875607983464627052010-10-12T12:10:00.001-04:002010-10-12T16:55:08.738-04:00Ode to a DouchebagSean Avery is a dick. Even people who don't follow hockey know that he <a href="http://www.faniq.com/blog/Sean-Avery-Still-A-Total-Jackass-This-Time-In-Autograph-Form-Blog-8163" target="_blank">keeps</a> <a href="http://withleather.uproxx.com/2008/12/sean-avery-is-now-an-even-bigger-dick" target="_blank">finding</a> <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/12/02/sean-avery-suspended-from_n_147929.html" target="_blank">different</a> <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/news/story?id=2174664" target="_blank">ways</a> to be a dick. Hell, I'm a Ranger fan, and I'll readily admit that he's a dick. I'm very happy to have him on my team, but he's a dick.<br />
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During yesterday's Rangers-Islanders game, Sean Avery was involved in yet another altercation. Yet, this time, the coming suspension won't be given to Avery, but to Islanders defenseman James Wisniewski.<br />
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No, Wisniewski was not asking Avery if he wanted to go out for karaoke after the game. Or pretending he was practicing self-dentistry. Or enjoying a large invisible popsicle. On the list of things to do that will get you suspended by the NHL, <i>simulated sex act on camera</i> falls right in between <i>talking shit about other players' girlfriends</i> and <i>cooking meth in the penalty box</i>.<br />
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<a href="http://www.cantstopthebleeding.com/img/avery_finger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://www.cantstopthebleeding.com/img/avery_finger.jpg" width="176" /></a>And what if Wisniewski didn't know that he was on camera? He was yapping with Avery. Of course he's on camera. Any game that doesn't have a camera constantly focused on Avery is always at risk for missing something great -- like pretend head.<br />
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But beyond that, doing what Wisniewski did is playing right into what Avery does. Players like Avery exist to piss other people off. By doing what he did, Wisniewski is just encouraging Avery to keep doing what <i>he's</i> doing.<br />
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I've seen enough Rangers games to know that the only way to throw Avery off his game is not to acknowledge him at all. Doing what Wisniewski did will only encourage Avery to keep being a pest. Besides, everyone knows that making the blowjob sign actually makes you look like the gay one.<br />
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And if you get into a war with Avery, be ready for the consequences. Namely, for your Wikipedia entry to be changed:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_9hNTzS7FIEw/TLSCHlLd75I/AAAAAAAAAOE/Iw0B2dtG0js/s1600/wisniewski.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="49" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_9hNTzS7FIEw/TLSCHlLd75I/AAAAAAAAAOE/Iw0B2dtG0js/s320/wisniewski.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Yet, this still won't be a lesson for players. Some will still humor Avery when he says whatever it is that he's saying that sets them off. And for the record, if I worked for the NHL, I would put a microphone on Avery and then sell the feed in a kind of "Too Hot For TV" DVD extra -- I think <i>Too Hot For the Ice</i> works really well as a title. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">People just want to know what he's saying. I'm fascinated that his antics still get a rise out of NHL-caliber players level who know damn well what he's trying to accomplish out there. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">So here's to you, Sean Avery. You may be a douchebag, but without you, the game would be much less interesting. Keep doing what you're doing.</div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-77923022207836628012010-10-06T11:08:00.004-04:002010-10-06T11:08:00.969-04:00Couch Pretzels: Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar<i>We all come across shows by accident. Sometimes, you develop an odd fascination with them, often because they are a train wreck, other times because they are just entertaining in a way you can’t explain. You probably shouldn’t waste time with them, but you do anyway. Soon you realized you’ve watched or heard enough to be considered a fan. You know the feeling of finding an old pretzel amongst the cushions, don’t you? Sure, it might be from the 1PM football games, and it’s most definitely not a smart idea to eat it, but you do anyway. And more times than not, it’s satisfying in an empty caloric way. Well, these shows are kind of like that. Today's Couch Pretzel comes from Peter:</i><br />
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Every Sunday evening around 7PM, I come to the realization that I have put off my weekly trip to Trader Joe’s. On my way to the store, with my radio dial fixed on WAMU, the Washington, DC NPR affiliate, I regularly come across the “Big Broadcast with Ed Walker.” To be honest, it first caught my ear because the show begins with the un-ironic playing of the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evY5XR0CzXU" target="_blank">cheesy love music from Airplane</a>.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.audiobooksonline.com/media/Yours-Truly-Johnny-Dollar-Old-Time-Radio-otr-compact-discs-Radio-Spirits.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="189" src="http://www.audiobooksonline.com/media/Yours-Truly-Johnny-Dollar-Old-Time-Radio-otr-compact-discs-Radio-Spirits.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Basically, Ed Walker plays four hours -- yes, four hours -- of “classic old time radio programs.” The lead off show is always <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yours_Truly,_Johnny_Dollar" target="_blank"><i>Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar</i></a>, which bills itself as the story of “the man with the action packed expense account.”<br />
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Today our heroes are usually superhuman, have access to incredible technology and/or have an inspiring origin story. In the 1950s, they were white middle-aged insurance investigators from Hartford, CT. On a side note, I'm sure there’s a cultural studies thesis in here somewhere.<br />
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Each week, Johnny Dollar tackles another case of insurance fraud which he dutifully chronicles through the narration of his expenses account. If a case takes him to Palm Springs, AZ, Johnny will be sure to tell the listener how much the flight and the hotel were: “<i>I booked a flight to Palm Springs Western Air, Item 1, $89.33, and checked into the Tip-Top Lodge, item 2, $33.50.</i>”<br />
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While Johnny’s contemporaries at <a href="http://specchaser.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/mad-men-amc-cast-photo.jpg">Sterling Cooper</a> might have been using their expense accounts on expensive dinners and prostitutes for their clients, Johnny is as honest and meticulous as they come: "<i>Item 9, ten cents. Aspirin. I needed them.</i>” </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
I'm not sure why this show grew on me. Maybe it was the predictable plot lines. Maybe it was the campy, old-timey radio voice of Johnny Dollar. Maybe it was the fact that Ed Walker, who hosts this four hour block of grandpa radio, <a href="http://wamu.org/a/bio_photo/walker.jpg">looks exactly like you would imagine him to</a>. But part of the Couch Pretzel aura is that sometimes you can’t quite figure out why you like it. You just do.</div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2605696051818473134.post-61394061444217604762010-10-01T13:49:00.000-04:002010-10-01T13:49:37.948-04:00Shiny SudsSure, it's really an ad warning about the dangers of household chemicals, but I like to think of it as a dramatic re-enactment of what goes on inside the Jets' locker room. The large loofah-loving bubble is obviously Rex Ryan.<br />
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On tap for the weekend:<br />
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Golf. Don't tread. Let's keep the Ryder Cup where it belongs. This is especially nice for all you insomniacs out there -- broadcasts are live from Europe every night this weekend starting at 2:30AM. Although this one's gonna be a little less fun to watch this one without Boo "Happy Gilmore" Weekley there.<br />
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Football. Two primetime matchups of top-ten teams. Alabama shouldn't have any real trouble with Florida, but Stanford-Oregon should be a pretty exciting game.<br />
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Last weekend of regular season baseball. Some races are still close, like the NL Wild Card race. I'm sure there are at least five people in Atlanta and San Diego that are going to be enjoying that this weekend. To everyone else -- enjoy your football, golf, and hourly updates from the Florida panhandle about some stupid basketball practice.<br />
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I still owe all of you a review of a Toronto baseball stadium. You'll get that next week, I promise. Also be on the lookout for a guest <i>Couch Pretzels</i> post. And of course if any of you feel so inclined to rant about anything here, we're always open to guest posts. Just send 'em in. Happy weekend.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15574816958018438221noreply@blogger.com0