The Couchwarmers

How To Gloat After Winning Your Fantasy League

2010-12-30T12:08:00.000-05:00

After what seems like an eternity playing fantasy football, I finally won a league this year. The following is an email I sent to the rest of the league shortly after the championship game concluded. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, feel free to use this basic template to rub your victory in the faces of the rest of the league. Basically, it's like a taunting Mad Lib. Fill in the blanks where necessary:

(Number of years in the league) seasons, countless hours spent provoking (Owner #1) via email, and several emotionally-conflicting (quarterback who you own but plays for a rival team) touchdown passes later and all I have to say is this: it's about fucking time.

It all started so poorly. My first year, I finished dead last and then in the offseason, I gave up (star player) to a commissioner who was taking advantage of an owner that did not yet fully grasp the intricacies of the keeper system (seriously, (Owner #2) shouldn't be allowed to trade with first-year owners). In my third year though, my luck changed. I made the playoffs. But I lost. Then I made the playoffs again. I lost again. Another playoffs. Another loss. This year, I was fully ready to cement myself as the Marty Schottenheimer of the league. Four straight years in the playoffs, three championship games, and until now, no championships. But thanks to dumb luck and others' stupidity, this year was different. (Feel free to edit details of your own league history as you see fit.)

I have so many people to thank for this: (Player #1), (Player #2), (Owner #3) (for trading me (Player #1) and (Player #2)), (Player #3), and (Owner #4) (for refusing my (Player #3)-(much worse player) trade -- to name a few.

Of course, sheer dumb luck also played a part. As the oracle (Owner who you don't feel the need to insult) once opined, "This league is 90% luck. Fuck you, (Owner #5)." I couldn't agree more. This championship is yet more proof that fantasy football is nothing more than luck -- (shitty player) geting me 22 points in the championship game should be as much evidence as you need. And (Owner #5) should always be put in his place.

Still, in all my years playing fantasy football, this is my (first title/first title that matters/finest moment) and I will consequently rejoice now that the curse has been broken. There will be riots and looting in the streets. (Hometown) will never be the same. Or maybe it will be. I doubt anyone cares about this but me. Whatever. (Insert gripe about putting up with the mundaneness and mindless work of your job/school). Let me have my moment. I'll try not to pull a muscle patting myself on the back.

....

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Finally, as a man much poorer than Randy Moss once said: "Straight check, homey. When you're a (student/grad student/lowly office peon/migrant worker), you can't afford to have cash lost in the mail."

Love,
The Champ

Turducken

2010-12-28T21:51:00.000-05:00

For the past few years, one of my friends and I have tried, every year around New Years, to out-do our previous gluttonous experiences. Last year, we re-created the taco from the "Taco Town" SNL commercial all the way up until they wrap it in a crepe. Fine dining it was not, but delicious it most certainly was. For several years though, we'd wanted to get a turducken, but for some reason, we hadn't worked up the courage to actually get one.

So this year, after throwing the idea around for what seemed like forever, I actually ordered a Turducken. I don't know what finally convinced me to, but I wasn't going to let another food opportunity like this pass me by. I did my research online and decided to order from cajungrocer.com. They seemed to get good reviews, and better yet, they were having a sale. I couldn't pass this opportunity up. It was like fate had magically intervened. I ordered it.

Three days later, the package arrived, and I put the bird -- pardon me, birds -- into the fridge to thaw. The package said for every five pounds of bird, it needed one day to thaw. The Turducken weighed about fifteen pounds total and was going to be eaten in three days. Again, perfect.

Finally, the big day came. The turducken came with complete cooking instructions -- basically, you put it in a roasting pan, cover it with tinfoil, and put it in a 325-degree oven. For the last hour, you remove the foil so the outside can get that nice brown color. You can't cook it at a higher temperature, because then the outside of the bird will dry out before the inside gets a chance to properly cook. You're supposed to take the turducken out of the oven when the middle reaches 165 degrees. The whole thing is should take 4.5 hours, or so the packaging said. I put the bird(s) in the oven at 1:45PM in anticipation of eating around 7.

Fast forward to 7:00PM and the turducken was still in the oven. Thanks to my handy meat thermometer, I knew that the temperature was still somewhere in the 140s and slowly rising. I took the foil off to let the outside brown, and watched intently as the thermometer rose, degree by degree. By the time it was at 160, a small crowd had gathered in front of it, cheering and exchanging high fives every time the temperature went up. Finally, shortly after 8PM, we hit the magic number. Among much jubilation, I removed the turducken from the oven.

After waiting 20-25 minutes for the bird(s) to cool, I started carving. The inside looked beautiful. Like a work of art. It smelled delicious. And then the moment of truth. I took a bite....

And I was upset. Incredibly upset. Because at that moment, I realized that I had spent 25 years of my life without turducken. Until that moment, it seemed insignificant. But now, I knew better.

Each bird was delicious. The stuffing was even more awesome. And the side of bacon-cheese-mashed potatoes that I made from scratch was pretty damn good too, if I do say so myself.

In all, I give the turducken experience a 9 out of 10. The only things keeping it from being a perfect 10 were the extended cooking time and that it was incredibly difficult to carve neatly -- although with a little bit of mess, I was able to get the job done. But since neither of those things affected the overall taste, there's no way to give it anything lower than that.

So if you've never had one, you should find an excuse. Gather your friends, have everyone chip in a few bucks, and then you can stuff your faces with several different types of bird. And I highly recommend going with the cornbread stuffing. Cooked inside the bird, it turns into this juicy cornbread paste-type thing, in a good sort of way. When the 13 of us were done eating, this is all that was left:

Two legs, two wings, and assorted scraps. Yes, it was that good. And if I could give one word of advice, it would be to make sure everyone knows to be patient. Allow yourself much more time than you think you'll need to cook it. The packaging said 4.5 should do the trick -- I ended up taking the turducken out of my oven a little more than 6 hours after I'd put it in, and it was cooked perfectly. In other words, it was well worth the extra hour-and-a-half to make sure we didn't get salmonella.

So in all, the great turducken experiment was a resounding success. And even though I've now checked turducken off my list of life eating experiences, it's definitely something I'll be doing again.

The ESPN Year-End Montage

2010-12-25T09:59:00.005-05:00

I've taken some slack recently about the lack of posts on here. Some of you have come to me claiming that The Couchwarmers is dead. Well, I'll respond justly -- we're not dead. We're just taking a really heavy nap. It's what we do best here at The Couchwarmers. If you don't like it, The Huffington Post is right down the road. You know, in that gated neighborhood.

Also, Merry Christmas, everyone. And look -- Santa is dropping a hockey puck. Or in other words, this is what happens when you Google image search "christmas sports".

Sure, I'm Jewish, but I look forward to several things every year about Christmas. Like the ESPN year-in-review montage they always do. Personally, I think the best they've done is the 1999 "Images of the Century" set to Aerosmith's "Dream On." But it's kind of an unfair fight, since that one got to work with 100 years of clips while most of the montages only get 365 days worth of material.

Still, I've always wondered what happens if something monumental happens in the sports world between Christmas and New Years. I caught this year's montage at the end of SportsCenter last night, and I thought it was pretty good. But what happens if something truly amazing happens during the last week of 2010? They can't go back and change it. A good 2010 montage would be ruined by the omission of the play in the Jets-Bears game tomorrow where a blitzing Brian Urlacher actually kills Mark Sanchez and then has his way with the corpse. A clip like that would need to be in the year-end montage -- tastefully done, of course.

Here's hoping that something big happens over the next seven days. You know, maybe without the necrophilia. Or with it. Whatever. I just want to see how they handle it.

Watch as the Metrodome Roof Collapses

2010-12-12T20:12:00.000-05:00

From the videos-you-need-to-see department: This morning, they had cameras rolling inside of the Metrodome as snow caused the roof to cave in. The part with the big thing of snow getting dumped on the field at about 0:17 looks completely CGI, but it's most definitely not.

For what it's worth, I think they should have played the game today anyway. It's not like the pile of snow would have been any tougher to get past than the Giants' defensive line.

The Hanukkah Snuggie Commercial

2010-12-10T12:14:00.001-05:00

While watching TV this morning, I saw this ad:

It seems as though the people over at Snuggie are still pushing hard for you to give the gift of sleeved blanket for Hanukkah this year. But Hanukkah's over. Wednesday was the last night. I believe the commercial put it best: "Oy!"

So buy the Snuggie. It's the perfect gift for Hanukkah 2011 -- or 5772, depending on who you're asking.

It's Goddamn Snack Time!

2010-12-08T14:33:00.000-05:00

Take solace, Jets fans. After the 45-3 whooping delivered to the Jets by the Patriots a few nights ago, you can now get your revenge in video game form. I give you: Goddamn Snack Time. If you're playing it at work or at school, just make sure the volume's off. If you're playing it in the comfort of your own home, crank it up. The Rex-isms make it that much more enjoyable. Much like The Couchwarmers, it's good for killing a few minutes at work. And when it all comes down to it, isn't that why you're here?

Also, I didn't realize this until the third time I played, but you actually have to eat Tom Brady -- simply jumping to avoid the footballs won't do the trick. Just so you're aware.

Name That Stolen Tune

2010-11-29T20:14:00.002-05:00

So I was in my car the other day, and heard a song on the independent radio station here that I didn't recognize, but that I liked. I kept listening until the end of the song to hear who it was, and much to my dismay, the DJ announced that it was a song off The Decemberists' new album.

I have no specific reason for disliking the Decemberists. In fact, I don't ever think I've ever really listened to them. If I gave them a chance, I might even like them. But it seems as though any time non-mainstream bands are being talked about, there's that one guy who inevitably brings up the Decemberists. I'm not like the rest of you. I'm my own person, dammit.

But then it occurred to me why I liked this song so much -- it's a rip-off of a song I already like. Take a listen. And for those of you who were born after 1989 or so, the answer's after the jump.

Your answer:

I think it's pretty obvious. As in, I keep expecting The Decemberists to yell FIIIIIIRE!!!! after the chorus. But this could just be me. Oh wait, it's not.

Very sneaky, Decemberists. I don't like you yet. But write a catchy knockoff of a Hootie & the Blowfish song and maybe I'll reconsider.

A Very TurBacon Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T17:17:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful that I haven't given you a single post I promised to in the past week and you're still reading this. Your loyalty warms my heart. Unfortunately though, your loyalty will not unclog my heart if I was ever to enjoy a glorious TurBacon. But that's a risk I think I may have to take.

This may be the second most impressive Turducken variation I've ever heard about. The first? From the Wikipedia page itself:

In his 1807 Almanach des Gourmands, gastronomist Grimod de La Reynière presents his rôti sans pareil ("roast without equal"): a bustard stuffed with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a guinea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an ortolan bunting and a garden warbler. The final bird is very small but large enough to hold just an olive; it also suggests that, unlike modern multi-bird roasts, there was no stuffing or other packing placed in between the birds. It appears to be illegal to make today as some of the species are endangered.

That's all the proof I need that knowledge of wrongdoing can make something that much more delicious. Enjoy your feasts. If you need me, look for the one stuck to the couch, oozing turkey and pie.

Creed Shreds

2010-11-17T15:29:00.000-05:00

Funny, he doesn't look it.

The wedding was lovely. Congrats again to the happy couple. If you didn't see already on Twitter, I forgot the collar stays for my shirt, but improvised using pieces of an In-N-Out straw. I'm the homeless man's Martha Stewart. Prison joke.

I haven't decided which of the three aforepromised things you're going to get from me later on this week, but seeing as how I'm off to class in a little bit, you're not getting anything today. Except for this video, which I promise will more than make up for me not talking about food or Canada until later this week.

Shouldn't "Baylor" Be Plural?

2010-11-17T00:55:00.003-05:00

Upcoming story or brand-new fetish porn video? You decide. And if you decide on the latter, be ready to define "Baylor" and "UConn" in your answer.

Fuck Kansas

2010-11-12T20:23:00.000-05:00

That's right. Fuck it. I don't know what I ever did to piss it off, but it sure has it out for me.

I woke up this morning at 7AM to get to the airport, so I didn't get much sleep last night. By the time I drifted off, we were somewhere over the middle of the country. I slept for roughly half an hour until I was shaken awake by some pretty good turbulence. I took a look at the flight map on the screen in front of me and lo and behold, we'd just passed from Missouri into Kansas.

It wasn't all bad though. At one point during the turbulence, the plane did that thing where it dropped suddenly and an Asian lady sitting a few rows behind me let out a shriek. I giggled. Was it worth the turbulence? Sure. But I was still mad at Kansas for waking me up.

This wasn't the first time that Kansas has had it out for me. About six years ago, I did the whole cross-country road trip thing. As I wrote in my trip journal back in 2004:

Kansas sucks. It's a boring drive through a terrible state, made worse by the fact that our stereo was broken (a 9-hour driving day with no radio would kind of suck anyway, I guess), and that it was raining and that our car's roof leaked. We thought that maybe it was just a bad all-around day, but the worthlessness of Kansas was cemented when, as soon as we crossed the border into Colorado, the skies cleared up and it became a great day. And later that night we had amazing buffalo burgers. So it wasn't the day, it was Kansas.

Plus, I've only ever met one person who was from Kansas. She was on a hiking trip I took after my 10th grade year. She sucked. And it wasn't just me who didn't like her -- we all hated her, mostly because she was bossy and obnoxious.

But on the bright side, the last time we ever talked was after Syracuse beat Kansas in the 2003 NCAA Final. I saw that she was online -- before this, we'd talked maybe once, briefly, in the two or so years since the hiking trip ended -- and I said something along the lines of: "HAHAHA KANSAS LOST GO SUCK A DICK"

She blocked me. We haven't talked since.

I'm going to go get some dinner. Fuck Kansas.

Housekeeping

2010-11-11T21:54:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not actually cleaning my house. I would never do that. But as I sit here watching hockey and contemplating whether the most pathetic 5-on-3 I've ever seen belongs to the Rangers or those overweight divorcees I saw in that eight-way gangbang, I realized that I hadn't said hi in more than a week.

Also, when I typed "hockey gangbang" into Google image search, that Bert and Ernie pic is what they gave me on Page 1. Or would have given me on Page 1 if Google Image Search still had pages.

But the real reason I'm here is to hold myself accountable. Over a month ago, I promised a review of the Rogers Centre. That hasn't come yet. Conveniently, I'm able to blame the research paper I turned in yesterday. But now that that's finished, I have no excuse.

Well, except for that tomorrow I'm going to California. I'll just be there for the weekend for a wedding. If you're reading this, Disner -- congratulations. And when you're signing the official name change certificate for yourself, try not to cry.

While I'm on the topic of giving shout-outs, I'd like to give one to my brother too, who just got accepted to Columbia to play tennis.

Fun fact: I'm currently on a one-match winning streak against a current Division I college player. When my brother was 9, he was convinced he could beat me at tennis. I was 16 and had argued my way onto my school's JV team, so while I was fat and lazy, I wasn't awful.

We played. I won 6-0. He left crying. I left feeling pretty damn good about myself. If anything, it was a lesson in humility. And that's why....you don't challenge your older brother....to tennis matches.

And if he challenges me again? I'll choose not to play. A winning streak is a winning streak, regardless of the circumstances.

Oh, and I also promised Sam Silverman a shout-out if he got me a lobster roll on visiting day at my camp a few months ago. Consider this your shout-out. Thanks for the lobster roll. It was delicious.

Now on to the to-do list:

1) Rogers Centre Review: You know, the Toronto baseball stadium. The good. The bad. The hopelessly Canadian. Everything.

2) Peter Luger: The Brooklyn steakhouse/food institution. I went there for the first time a few weeks ago. I'll let you know what the best item on the menu is. Teaser: it's not the steak. Intrigued? Nah, you probably don't give a shit. It's the bacon. But I'll have more on that later.

3) California Food Review: My first-ever trip to In-N-Out Burger. In an attempt at some culinary foreplay, I've been looking at hamburger pics online for like a week.

Hey, the Rangers just won. Good for them. And now, it's time for 30 Rock. Have a wonderful weekend. I'll be breaking out the shorts and sandals for one last 2010 hurrah.

Reaction to the Moss Waiving

2010-11-02T11:12:00.001-04:00

Yes, I'm back. It's been a while. I guess Randy Moss was just what I needed to get me inspired to write...cause if anyone can inspire, it's Randy, right?

Two points about Moss getting cut. The first is about how we found out and the second is about where he'll end up.

Everyone who still poo-poos Twitter and thinks it's just a platform for narcissistic people to tell their friends what they're doing should take a moment to observe what happened yesterday:

At approximately 3pm yesterday afternoon, during an unbearably slow news day, Mike Lombardi of the NFL Network tweeted the following:

Within minutes, those 6 words (5, if you don't count NFL as a word) were retweeted hundreds of times and paraphrased probably another hundred thousand. The responses ranged from, "That can't be true" to "Who the hell is Mike Lombardi?" It took about twenty minutes for news sources to pick the story up and, even then, the story was credited to Lombardi's tweet, not to any "official" sources like coaches or team management. Only later was the story confirmed.

And that's precisely why Twitter is so powerful. I don't know Mike Lombardi personally but I am familiar with his work as a legitimate and trustworthy NFL reporter. By following him on Twitter, I implicitly convey my faith in the validity of his reporting. If he were to err, I could unfollow him. But he had not let me down before. So when Lombardi tweeted that Moss was waived, I believed him, even amongst the onslaught of doubt that ensued.

And sure, had Twitter not existed, I could have found out about the move on ESPN a half hour later, but where's the fun in that? There's a thrill in being the first to know something and there's a thrill in seeking out answers to questions when those answers are not readily available. Yesterday, we all had the opportunity (albeit for only a half hour or so) to poke and prod around the Internet to find out what really happened with Randy Moss...and it was all because somewhere, on some phone or laptop, Mike Lombardi typed up a few words and pushed "post." Pretty freakin' cool.

So to bring this back to football, where does Randy end up after he clears waivers? Well, we can easily narrow it down to a handful of possible suitors. First, the team must be a playoff contender. Sorry, Bills, Browns, Bengals, Jaguars, Broncos, Cowboys, Lions, Panthers and 49ers, you're off the list. Next, the team must be in need of a wide receiver. That crosses off the Dolphins, Colts, Texans, Chargers (getting Vincent Jackson back soon), Giants, Eagles, Packers, Falcons, Bucs (I believe in Mike Williams), Saints, Seahawks (I also believe in the other Mike Williams) and Cardinals. Clearly, he isn't going back to New England or Minnesota. Take Pittsburgh out of the running cause Dan Rooney is not about to find out what happens when you put Ben Roethlisberger and Randy Moss in the same room. Same goes for Vince Young and Moss, so the Titans are out.

So that leaves us with the Jets, Chiefs, Raiders (part 2?), Redskins, Bears and Rams.

My gut feeling: St. Louis, as I predicted yesterday (on Twitter!) Why?

1) They're desperate for WR help after Mark Clayton's season ending injury

2) The Rams are only half a game back of the lead in the extremely winnable NFC West

3) They have a young quarterback in Sam Bradford who looks very legit even without any big name targets

4) They have a no-nonsense coach in Steve Spagnuolo who could keep Moss in order (if that's even possible, at this point)

So keep your eyes and ears open for where Randy signs. If it's St. Louis, remember I said it. If he goes, anywhere else, well, stop following me on Twitter.

Leftover Candy

2010-11-01T11:57:00.000-04:00

Is there some candy that just reminds you of Halloween? For example, Baby Ruth bars. During the year, I never eat them, and I really don't know anyone else who does either. If I want a candy bar with the ingredients that a Baby Ruth has, I'll buy a Snickers. But just because Baby Ruth comes in the variety pack with the Butterfinger and the 100 Grand, I'm stuck with it. And of course after the trick-or-treaters have taken most of the candy, all that's left are the Baby Ruths and the Crunch Bars, which I invariably end up eating myself.

I'm not complaining, though. Candy is candy. Unless it's Raisinettes. Then it's just fucking disgusting.

Anyway, I've got a big research paper to write, so I don't have much for you today, but for those of you who need cheering up on this Monday (I'm looking at you, Jets fans), I leave you with this video. Happy November.

The SportsCenter LeBron Lovefest

2010-10-27T11:58:00.000-04:00

As someone who enjoys SportsCenter's daily Top Ten, I particularly dislike the NBA for what it does to the top plays. Unfortunately for me and everyone else who's not a Heat fan, the Top Ten from October all the way until May/June is dominated by one person -- and most of the time he's on there for plays that are good, yet unspectacular. I can't be the only one annoyed by Lebron James' takeover of the Top Ten, can I?

So this year I'm trying something different. When I can, I'm going to track LeBron's Top Ten overexposure. Using a 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 scoring system, where he gets 10 points for being top play #1, and 1 point for being #10, we're going to track this. Let's start with last night:

Not surprisingly, LeBron had two top plays:

His first one came in at #5, and was a block against the backboard. Nice play, but not spectacular. Had it been anyone else making the block, would it have been in the Top 10? Possibly if it was Nate Robinson, but that's about it. Six very undeserving points.

And of course, he had the top play. Was it something jaw-droppingly amazing? No. It was a breakaway where he dunked it really hard. Does this get on the Top 10 if it's not LeBron? Maybe it sneaks in at #8 or #9 on a slow night. But it definitely wasn't #1-worthy.

So that's sixteen points on night one. Stay tuned. And help me stay tuned -- there will be nights when I'm not able to watch SportsCenter, or more likely, nights when I simply forget. So if you loyal readers could keep an eye out for this for me, I would be appreciative. Smart money has this system dying out by mid-November. But wouldn't it be fun if we could keep it going for a while?

Finally, I know all of you are probably as shocked as I am that I'm writing about the NBA. But this continual desecration of the Top Ten will not stand. This has nothing to do with any sort of animosity towards LeBron for crapping all over Cleveland or anything -- this has to do with the sanctity of a SportsCenter institution whose integrity is compromised because of one person. Help do your part.

Using Your Head

2010-10-21T12:12:00.002-04:00

"If I get a chance to knock somebody out, I'm going to knock them out and take what they give me. They give me a helmet, I'm going to use it." --Dolphins Linebacker Channing Crowder

I'm sure that many of you who read this article probably laughed at Crowder's comments and brushed him off as being as idiot. And yes, Channing Crowder is an idiot. But unintentionally, Crowder makes a great point.

As most of you know, the NFL has recently made a point of cracking down on helmet-to-helmet hits with the intention of reducing the number of head injuries that result from them. And the reason for this is simple -- as Crowder indicated, players are using their helmets as weapons, not safety devices.

When I played football in high school (albeit not very well), I was a defensive lineman. We had an offensive lineman on our team who would come off the snap with the goal of thrusting his helmet right into your facemask. Needless to say, going against him sucked, and most of the time, you ended up going home after practice with a ringing headache. But he was a good lineman, and his method was pretty effective.

Now I know that this type of helmet-to-helmet hit isn't the same as a receiver and a defensive back, both running at full speed, colliding, and that the league isn't looking to crack down on linemen hitting each other with their helmets, but I'm using this to make a point -- a helmet makes a great weapon. You put a shell on your head and a hard mask over your face, and you'll use it with the idea that you can't get hurt.

So what can the NFL do? It can start suspending people, but as Channing Crowder indicated, there will still be players who keep doing what they've been doing. A suspension isn't going to deter them. Still, I think I have a simple solution: get rid of the hard-shelled helmet.

I think that players would be much less likely to throw themselves at someone like a projectile (as Brandon Merriweather did last weekend) if they weren't wearing helmets. You're not supposed to tackle the way that Merriweather does, but NFL players do, simply because it's effective. Would a player be as likely to lower his head and go recklessly into an opponent if he was wearing a Petr Cech-style helmet?

I say no. The statistic that people like to throw around is that there aren't as many serious head injuries in rugby, even though they're not wearing helmets. Sure, this may mean more injuries such as facial cuts and broken noses, but isn't that a much better problem to have than a spate of concussions that affect the brains of NFL players for the rest of their lives?

Now I'm pretty sure that the league that would never go for something like this, but as a whole, I think getting rid of hard-shelled helmets would make the game safer. Players would be forced to tackle by squaring up and trying to put their shoulders through another player's midsection, not by recklessly throwing themselves headfirst at their opponent.

If a child uses a toy to hurt other kids, you usually end up taking it away from him. If the NFL keeps giving Channing Crowder a helmet, he's going to try to keep hurting other players. Maybe they shouldn't give him that option.

Would You Vote For This Man?

2010-10-19T10:57:00.001-04:00

After hearing him voice his opinions during last night's New York gubernatorial debate -- maybe. Judge for yourself:

This is Jimmy McMillan, a Vietnam veteran and founder of the "Rent is Too Damn High" Party. He actually received over 2500 votes for New York City mayor last year -- although considering how many people live in NYC, maybe this isn't as impressive as it sounds.

Geocities-style website from 1997 notwithstanding, I like this guy. I have friends who live in the city. I know roughly what they're paying. And yes, the rent is too damn high. Plus, he's incredibly open-minded -- the "you can marry a shoe if you want" comment at the end of the above video is his response to a question on gay marriage.

In addition, he's a karate expert. He has three bronze stars. He wears "debate gloves". And he has a song!

Is it too late to register to vote in New York?

Wikipedia and the Art of the Fake Blowjob

2010-10-13T10:36:00.011-04:00

In yesterday's post, I mentioned how one of the consequences of getting into an immature-off with Sean Avery is that your Wikipedia page gets messed with. What I didn't explore though, were the edits that James Wisniewski's page had gone through since the incident. My bad. I can't just leave you guys hanging like that. Now that Wisniewski has officially been suspended by the league, I now present to you the fine work of the Editors-in-Chief of Wikipedia -- all six billion of them:

First, the mention of the incident as it currently reads:

On October 12, 2010, he was suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture towards Sean Avery.

Well, that's no fun. Let's see what else has been put up:

On October 12, 2010, he was suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture towards Sean Avery, performing fellatio on an imaginary penis.

I just don't understand why they'd get rid of the last part. Are they worried that it's too obscene for Wikipedia? Trust me, there's worse. For example, go to the Wikipedia page on fellatio. Or if you're at school or at work, don't.

On October 12, 2010, he was suspended for two games for making an obscene cock-smoking gesture towards Sean Avery.

Yet another example of Wikipedia removing accurate information for no good reason. I still don't get it.

On October 12, 2010, he was suspended for two games for performing felatio on Sean Avery.

Okay, so this one is just wrong. At least this person's heart was in the right place, even if his perception of the location of Sean Avery's penis wasn't. Besides, we can't all be Mike Comrie.

He recently told the often hated Sean Avery to place his genitals in his mouth. For this it is like Wizniewski will receive discipline.

Grammatically incorrect. And the "his" is ambiguous. Is this referring to Avery's or Wisniewski's genitals? Also, can we expound on the discipline that Wisniewski is likely to receive?

He recently told the often hated Sean Avery to place his genitals in his mouth. For this it is likely Wizniewski will be disciplined, although it is well known that Colin Campbell uses Manatees and ping pong balls to determine who gets punishment and when.

Somewhere in New York City, Colin Campbell sits in a corner office, trolling the internet. "Ah, shit! They figured it out! Quick, edit the page!"

On October 12, 2010, he was suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture towards Sean Avery.

"Perfect."

Ode to a Douchebag

2010-10-12T12:10:00.001-04:00

Sean Avery is a dick. Even people who don't follow hockey know that he keeps finding different ways to be a dick. Hell, I'm a Ranger fan, and I'll readily admit that he's a dick. I'm very happy to have him on my team, but he's a dick.

During yesterday's Rangers-Islanders game, Sean Avery was involved in yet another altercation. Yet, this time, the coming suspension won't be given to Avery, but to Islanders defenseman James Wisniewski.

No, Wisniewski was not asking Avery if he wanted to go out for karaoke after the game. Or pretending he was practicing self-dentistry. Or enjoying a large invisible popsicle. On the list of things to do that will get you suspended by the NHL, simulated sex act on camera falls right in between talking shit about other players' girlfriends and cooking meth in the penalty box.

And what if Wisniewski didn't know that he was on camera? He was yapping with Avery. Of course he's on camera. Any game that doesn't have a camera constantly focused on Avery is always at risk for missing something great -- like pretend head.

But beyond that, doing what Wisniewski did is playing right into what Avery does. Players like Avery exist to piss other people off. By doing what he did, Wisniewski is just encouraging Avery to keep doing what he's doing.

I've seen enough Rangers games to know that the only way to throw Avery off his game is not to acknowledge him at all. Doing what Wisniewski did will only encourage Avery to keep being a pest. Besides, everyone knows that making the blowjob sign actually makes you look like the gay one.

And if you get into a war with Avery, be ready for the consequences. Namely, for your Wikipedia entry to be changed:

Yet, this still won't be a lesson for players. Some will still humor Avery when he says whatever it is that he's saying that sets them off. And for the record, if I worked for the NHL, I would put a microphone on Avery and then sell the feed in a kind of "Too Hot For TV" DVD extra -- I think Too Hot For the Ice works really well as a title.

People just want to know what he's saying. I'm fascinated that his antics still get a rise out of NHL-caliber players level who know damn well what he's trying to accomplish out there.

So here's to you, Sean Avery. You may be a douchebag, but without you, the game would be much less interesting. Keep doing what you're doing.

Couch Pretzels: Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar

2010-10-06T11:08:00.004-04:00

Basically, Ed Walker plays four hours -- yes, four hours -- of “classic old time radio programs.” The lead off show is always Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar, which bills itself as the story of “the man with the action packed expense account.”

Today our heroes are usually superhuman, have access to incredible technology and/or have an inspiring origin story. In the 1950s, they were white middle-aged insurance investigators from Hartford, CT. On a side note, I'm sure there’s a cultural studies thesis in here somewhere.

Each week, Johnny Dollar tackles another case of insurance fraud which he dutifully chronicles through the narration of his expenses account. If a case takes him to Palm Springs, AZ, Johnny will be sure to tell the listener how much the flight and the hotel were: “I booked a flight to Palm Springs Western Air, Item 1, $89.33, and checked into the Tip-Top Lodge, item 2, $33.50.”

While Johnny’s contemporaries at Sterling Cooper might have been using their expense accounts on expensive dinners and prostitutes for their clients, Johnny is as honest and meticulous as they come: "Item 9, ten cents. Aspirin. I needed them.”

I'm not sure why this show grew on me. Maybe it was the predictable plot lines. Maybe it was the campy, old-timey radio voice of Johnny Dollar. Maybe it was the fact that Ed Walker, who hosts this four hour block of grandpa radio, looks exactly like you would imagine him to. But part of the Couch Pretzel aura is that sometimes you can’t quite figure out why you like it. You just do.

Shiny Suds

2010-10-01T13:49:00.000-04:00

Sure, it's really an ad warning about the dangers of household chemicals, but I like to think of it as a dramatic re-enactment of what goes on inside the Jets' locker room. The large loofah-loving bubble is obviously Rex Ryan.

On tap for the weekend:

Golf. Don't tread. Let's keep the Ryder Cup where it belongs. This is especially nice for all you insomniacs out there -- broadcasts are live from Europe every night this weekend starting at 2:30AM. Although this one's gonna be a little less fun to watch this one without Boo "Happy Gilmore" Weekley there.

Football. Two primetime matchups of top-ten teams. Alabama shouldn't have any real trouble with Florida, but Stanford-Oregon should be a pretty exciting game.

Last weekend of regular season baseball. Some races are still close, like the NL Wild Card race. I'm sure there are at least five people in Atlanta and San Diego that are going to be enjoying that this weekend. To everyone else -- enjoy your football, golf, and hourly updates from the Florida panhandle about some stupid basketball practice.

I still owe all of you a review of a Toronto baseball stadium. You'll get that next week, I promise. Also be on the lookout for a guest Couch Pretzels post. And of course if any of you feel so inclined to rant about anything here, we're always open to guest posts. Just send 'em in. Happy weekend.

The Funny and the Informative

2010-09-30T11:21:00.000-04:00

I have to say I enjoyed Ken Burns' Baseball: The Tenth Inning, or as it was alternatively titled, Yankees and Red Sox Highlights From the Past Fifteen Years. If I'm a White Sox fan (which, thank God, I'm not), I'm a little bit upset that they spent roughly half an hour talking about Boston breaking their 86-year championship curse, but only spent about five seconds showing the last out of the White Sox breaking their 88-year title drought. For the most part though, the show was enjoyable -- it just didn't stack up to the original documentary. The original felt like one of the most interesting history lessons I'd ever had. This addition felt like a Sportscenter special which dealt with the Yankees, the Red Sox, and steroids.

But much like Major League Baseball after the steroid era, I'm ready to move on, and give you something to take your mind off the fact that on the east coast, at least temperature-wise, Fall has arrived. Here at The Couchwarmers, we like to specialize in both the funny and the informative. Oh yeah, and ass shots too. Those really get the pageviews.

First, the informative:

Ever wondered what to do if you're in a free-falling elevator? I mean, you're probably fucked, regardless. But what action should you take to give yourself the biggest chance of not being turned into a pile of elevator juice?

According to author Mary Roach:

The best way to survive in a falling elevator is to lie down on your back. Sitting is bad but better than standing, because buttocks are nature's safety foam. Muscle and fat are compressible: they help absorb the G-forces of the impact.

As for jumping up in the air just before the elevator hits bottom, it only delays the inevitable. Plus, then you might be squatting when you hit. In a 1960 Civil Aeromedical Research Institute study, squatting on a drop platform caused "severe knee pain" at relatively low G forces. "Apparently the flexor muscles ... acted as a fulcrum to pry open the knee joint," the researchers noted with interest and no apparent remorse.

Yeah, that "jumping right before impact" thing is bullshit. And not only because really, when you're inside the elevator, you couldn't possibly know when impact was going to be.

And now that I've filled your mind with thoughts of failing machinery and exploding body parts, the funny:

I've always maintained a strong dislike for Twitter. Yes, I know The Couchwarmers have an account. But this is just because when it comes to self-promotion, we have absolutely no shame. Actually, when it comes to most things, we have absolutely no shame -- keep in mind that our last post was just a picture of a butt. Still, I appreciate Twitter feeds that provide some sort of comic relief.

TracyKWJordan is a perfect example. 30 Rock fans know that character/it's-just-a-stage-name-for-Tracy-Morgan-with-the-same-exact-personality-as-him Tracy Jordan has some crazy ideas. And we've all known for a while now that Kanye West is pretty much the same way.

But until now, I didn't realize just how alike these two are. This is because the TracyKWJordan Twitter feed simply takes all of Kanye's tweets and adds the words "Liz Lemon" to them. Do this, and -- voila -- you get Tracy Jordan. It's actually a little scary. But it's more funny than it is scary.

And if you want something that's both funny and informative, here you go. If Chad Ochocinco gives you a phone number, don't call it, because that number is most likely a phone sex line. Or do call it. Whatever. Just be aware of what you're doing. And that those things are like fifteen bucks a minute.

Yep, That's an Ass

2010-09-28T22:55:00.000-04:00

Congrats to the Yankees for clinching. And also to whoever that is for deciding to face the locker while changing.

Couch Pretzels: Sharktopus

2010-09-26T10:21:00.004-04:00

Welcome back to another installment of "Couch Pretzels." Some of you may have forgotten what this whole series is about. Fear not, loyal readers. This is exactly where copying and pasting from an old post does the trick:

Now on to the issue at hand: Have you ever wished there was a movie about what would happen if scientists were successfully able to create a gigantic shark-octopus hybrid, only to watch it turn into a giant killing machine? And what if the quality of the acting fell somewhere between "hastily-produced high school play" and "mediocre porno"? And what if it starred Eric Roberts? Well luckily enough, something exactly like this exists.

Yes, last night I stumbled upon a movie on the Syfy channel about a half-shark, half-octopus, full-on abomination of God. And personally, I really don't see why this movie can't win an Academy Award. If I remember correctly, the Academy loves movies about ocean disasters that were made using CGI from 1997. Now all we need is a Celine Dion Sharktopus theme song.

What? They already have a Sharktopus song? Sorry, Celine. Looks like you were beaten to the punch by the "Cheetah Whores." Really. You can hear the song in the movie trailer that's at the end of this post.

But let's start at the beginning. The name "Sharktopus" just sounds awesome. There's a reason they didn't go with the whole "giant squid" motif. No one's scared of a "Squark." But if I hear "Sharktopus," I'm running inland as fast as I can -- which strangely enough, people in this movie didn't do until the Sharktopus was close enough that you could see its spikes.

Yes, the spikes. The Sharktopus has spikes sticking out of its gills, because naturally, both sharks and octopi have spikes. But I wouldn't worry about the spikes. If you're close enough to see the spikes, then it's probably too late, as the Sharktopus could easily impale you with its tentacles.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot -- its tentacles have spears. And when it stands on its tentacles, it's like 30 feet tall.

Ah, right -- it can stand on his tentacles. And walk on them, much like a spider does. When you keep in mind that all of this was invented by Eric Roberts, it makes perfect sense.

I could let Entertainment Weekly describe it too:

Sharktopus did everything a Saturday-night junk TV-movie should: Within the first three minutes, we got a good look at the half-shark, half-octopus slither-biting its way through the ocean. Pretty soon, bikini-clad women and idiot males in phallic powerboats were being ensnared by tentacles and then chomped into bloody bits.

The movie was co-produced by legendary schlock-master Roger Corman, who had a silent cameo as a grizzled old man witnessing Sharktopus slide a tentacle ashore to snag the ankle of a pretty girl strolling along the beach. Corman stared with suitable blankness as the young woman dragged her fingers across the sand before disappearing into the red-rimmed tide. Sure, the special-effects were cheap, but the monster moved with a nice swiftness and there was a lot of variety in his killing methods.

But all of this description isn't really doing it justice at all. I think you need to see with your own eyes what Sharktopus is capable of.

Hopefully, this will be on TV more in the upcoming weeks, because right now, my DVR guide isn't displaying any more showtimes. But if it's on, make a point to spend two hours watching nature's spikiest, tentacle-iest, and Eric Roberts created-iest killing machine.

Thursday Night TV Time

2010-09-24T11:46:00.000-04:00

Just some quick thoughts on the best three hours of TV every week -- other than the 1PM-4PM block on NFL Red Zone every Sunday, of course. Yes, I'm talking about the Thursday night three-hour block of comedy on NBC and FX. Since the four NBC shows premiered last night, and the two FX shows have had two episodes each so far, I thought it was about time for some first impressions of this season. So here's a post about the three hours I spend in front of my TV every Thursday. Well, three of many, I guess. Fuck you all. I'm a grad student now, dammit.

I'm aware. On to the reviews:

Community: If you liked the first season, you'll like this one too. If you thought the first season was just okay and entirely too referential and Abed is funny but kind of pisses you off sometimes with all of the movie references and that the funniest part by far is Chevy Chase's racist and inappropriate comments, you'll think that about this season too. I think it says something that my favorite part of the entire first episode was the 30 second spot at the end with Betty White singing Toto with Troy and Abed. Although if the show was just 22 minutes of that, I'd probably watch it over some other shows I watch. I'd definitely watch it over Outsourced.

30 Rock: It's back! It's back! It's funny again! After last night's episode, I think we can all agree that last season never happened. The back-and-forth dialogue that made the show so funny from the beginning and that for the most part, was absent from the show last season, was back last night. Maybe they just threw all the stuff they thought of over the summer into the first episode. But I'm hoping that last night was the start of another strong season from what I once thought was the funniest show on TV. You know what's not the funniest show on TV? Outsourced.

The Office: Off to a great start. They're definitely pulling out all the stops for Steve Carell's last season, like that opening musical number. That's something you would have seen a few years ago -- you know, before the show got all soap opera-y on us. As I said with 30 Rock, if the premiere is any indication, we're in for a very good season -- unlike that new show Outsourced, which most likely won't last until November.

(Side note: when I did a Google image search for "prison mike," I found the picture above. But I also got this one. It's funny because everyone thinks he's awesome again just because he beat the Lions. I find this fact funnier than I found Outsourced.)

Outsourced: I've already made my opinions clear here, so I defer to Alan Sepinwall on this one: "What's most upsetting is that NBC decided to bench Parks and Recreation -- not only the best comedy on that network, but on all of television last year -- in favor of this cheap, lazy, unfunny mess." Having said that though, I'd rather watch Outsourced than Javy Vazquez as he hits three batters in a row, forcing in a run in the process. But I'd still rather watch Javy than Curb Your Enthusiasm.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: I'll need two paragraphs here, just to fully explain myself. I've done a lot of thinking though and I'm ready to put this down on imaginary internet paper -- I've been disappointed with the first two episodes. There, I said it. Not to say there haven't been funny parts. Dennis fake choking out his soon-to-be ex-wife was hilarious. So was Charlie's creepy lawyer uncle. But I feel like I've heard all the arguing between all the main characters before. If a show wants to be awkward, that's fine -- just as long as it backs up the awkwardness with an appropriate amount of humor.

To me though, the whole marriage plot line made it seem like they were running out of ideas. I'm pretty convinced that this can't happen though. The show's been too funny for too long. It's just like Derek Jeter's past few months. An 11-time All-Star doesn't hit over .300 for the first three months of the season and then magically lose his touch just because he's 36 years old. Just as a show with five strong seasons shouldn't be written off because of two episodes reeking of desperation. Now that none of the crew is married/ruining marriages anymore, it'll be back. Speaking of which, you should break up with Minka, Derek. She's awful for your OPS.

The League: So far, it's been better than Always Sunny. Maybe it's because expectations aren't as high here as they are for other shows, but I've found myself laughing more this season -- and not just at the football humor. I really think it's time for non-football fans to start tuning in. If you can put up with a handful of jokes directed at football fans, you'll be rewarded with the other 95% of a very, very funny show.

Now it's your turn. Were you as happy with 30 Rock as I was? Do you feel like Always Sunny has slipped? Did any of you actually like Outsourced? Hell, did any of you actually watch Outsourced? Let's hear what you guys think. The comment box is hungry. Feed it. Om nom nom nom.

Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza

2010-09-17T18:22:00.014-04:00

Shalom! And welcome to The Couchwarmers 1st annual Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza!

I'll keep updating this liveblog all the way through tomorrow at the bottom of this post, so just keep refreshing. Mmmm....sweet, sweet pageviews.

Basically, I'm hoping that doing this will take my mind off of food for at least a little while tomorrow. If nothing else, you'll get to see me spiral down into a state of semi-incoherence as I go an entire day without anything to eat or drink. And now the moment you've been waiting for. Let's get this thing started:

6:19PM -- Just a quick update before I head off to services. Just finished up a lovely brisket dinner with the family. Had some nice apple cake for dessert. Hopefully, this should be able to carry me through tonight. I'd have to think that the big man wouldn't want me updating from my phone during Kol Nidre, so I'll be back with another update after synagogue.

9:58PM -- And we're back. Somewhere around the time that Kol Nidre was being sung for the 2nd time (for you non-Jews, that's right at the beginning of the service), I realized that I had to fart, but that I couldn't verify that nothing was behind it. So what did I do? I held it. Synagogue sharts are never fun.

For three hours. Painful, yes -- but today is a day of atonement. It's only right that I suffer a little bit. But now I'm back home and all is right again. On a side note, if this is what I'm willing to share with you right now, imagine fifteen hours from now when my judgement is impared from lack of food. Good lord. Maybe I should tone it down a bit. For now though, it's time to cue up the Yankees game that's been recording for the past three hours.

10:39PM -- Already in the the 4th inning. Speed baseball is awesome. And the best part is that I can listen to as much or as little Michael Kay as I want to.

Just a point of clarification too: I'd love for this to be an interactive thing. Please post in the comments or send in your emails. Whether you're fasting too and looking for a support group or like making fun of Jews for doing silly things like this, we want to hear from you.

11:08PM -- 8th inning. It would be a shame for the Yankees to blow a game like this against the Orioles where AJ Burnett hasn't pitched terribly. And for those of you who were wondering -- yes, I'm still farting, but they're completely dry. Your concern is greatly appreciated.

11:31PM -- Wow. A-Rod atones for a game's worth of Yankees' batting sins and bails his teammates out. Yankees win 4-3. A-Rod with all 4 RBIs.

My favorite part of all of it might have been seeing what seemed like the entire crowd cheering for the home run. Keep in mind, they're playing in Baltimore. I've been to Yankees games in Baltimore before. The Orioles are lucky if they get a 50/50 split in terms of fans. It's a great ballpark, but the fan support at the moment is truly pathetic.

11:47PM -- Just quickly while we're still on the topic: I've had a theory for about a year and a half now (#theory tag -- ACTIVATE!) that A-Rod's newfound clutch confidence is a direct result of the Yankees signing Teixeira. For years, A-Rod was uncomfortable in New York. In my opinion, A-Rod was trying to be something he was not -- namely, cool. But once Tex made him realize that he didn't have to be cool, he relaxed and was able to lead the Yankees to a championship last year.

Derek Jeter is cool. He doesn't even have to try, either. He looks at girls and they orgasm. He's just like that. A-Rod is decidedly not like that -- but for several years, he tried to be. Then Teixeira came along. For lack of a better term, Teixeira is a dork. A dork who's really, really good at baseball. But because of Tex, A-Rod realized, "Hey, it's okay that I'm not cool. I just have to play good baseball. At heart, I'm a dork, and that's okay."

Just look at this high-five:

See? Total dorks. But dorks who win baseball games.

12:53AM -- That'll do it for tonight. I'm off to bed. Up early tomorrow morning for even more synagogue, and then back here around noon for the last six-hour push until I can eat again. Tonight wasn't bad at all, though. You know, besides the whole farting thing. Here's hoping tomorrow's just as easy, although it most definitely won't be. Having football on TV will help. Some people hate weekend Yom Kippur, but I think it makes the whole thing easier to handle -- especially when I can watch Duke take down #1 Alabama tomorrow. Goodnight all.

9:55AM -- Alright, I'm back and ready for Day 2 of this thing. And most importantly, I'm still going strong. It's always important to start it off right. Although I did have a Yom Kippur dream last night and dreamt that I accidentally ate something. What it was, I can't remember. But I definitely had that dream. This holiday messes with your mind. Off to synagogue now, and back in a few hours.

12:30PM -- Okay, I'm hungry. Not really, really hungry, but legitimately hungry. If offered food, I could eat a decent amount. There's also a decent chance I'll head out of here early and kill the liveblog at 4PM just to take my mind off the food thing.

On the bright side though, synagogue this morning was gas-free. Big winner.

2:03PM -- For some strange reason, I'm still not that hungry. I mean, I'm hungry, but not starving. Just four more hours and this thing is done. How are the rest of you guys out there feeling?

3:01PM -- Why do they call it fasting when it goes by so slowly? HAHAHAHA

Okay, I'm officially very hungry. Three more hours. This Georgia-Arkansas game is helping to pass the time though. And there's also only half an hour until Duke gets to beat up on Alabama. Yeah, I may be starting to get delirious.

3:41PM -- Alright, I'm heading off and signing out for now. Or it is heading out and signing off? I need food. Also, Duke really needs to step it up if they're gonna give 'Bama the whooping I predicted. Alabama takes it down the field and scores in three plays and Duke goes three and out. Just so I can say I called it first:

Final score: Alabama 52, Duke 7

9:53PM -- Let's wrap this up here. Dinner was awesome because it was, well...food. But now that I've eaten something, it's time to bring you back to your regularly scheduled Couchwarmers programming.

Also, take note of my Duke-Bama prediction above. Seeing as how the final score was actually 62-13, I'm counting that as a win in my book. Yes, I'm a genius for predicting a blowout win over Duke football. I am your new God. Bring me a selection of your finest meats and cheeses. Actually, wait until tomorrow. I'm full now.

And that brings The Couchwarmers 1st Annual Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza to an end. I hoped you've enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed blatantly killing time by doing it.

A Weekend Announcement

2010-09-17T11:03:00.003-04:00

Did anyone else watching The League last night pause it when they showed the completed draft board and analyze the draft? Yes, Ruxin's team was good, but personally, I really liked Pete and Taco's drafts.

Yom Kippur begins tonight. For all you non-Jews, that's the one where we can't eat all day starting sundown Friday and ending on sundown Saturday. All I know is that if the NFL Draft liveblog taught me anything, it's that time goes by much faster when you're trying to think of something to write about. Therefore, I'd like to announce a special Couchwarmers event: The Couchwarmers 1st Annual Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza!

It'll start with my last bite of food tonight and end when I break the fast tomorrow night. Look for increased incoherence throughout the day. Fun times for all. At least if I don't post for a while, you'll know that it's because I saw a food commercial and passed out from rage.

But now, it's time to get your weekend started off right by watching a time-lapse video. These things get me every time. It's like if they made an episode of Life centered around sports. Or New Jersey.

The One Where I Judge a Barbeque Contest

2010-09-16T18:48:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna jump ahead in the textbook and bring you the recap of my weekend as a barbeque judge before my Rogers Centre review. Usually when I want to remember things on day/road trips, I take pictures of them. Later on, I look through all my pictures and remember what I wanted to say. Unfortunately, at these barbeque competitions, only certified photographers and such are allowed to take pictures. So I'll be doing this while the weekend is somewhat fresh in my mind. As a quick refresher, this is how I became a certified barbeque judge.

Before I begin, I'll offer this piece of advice now, as well as at the end of the post: If you love barbeque, become a certified judge. If you read on, you'll understand why.

I woke up early on Saturday and drove up to Norwalk, CT, where I had volunteered to be a judge for both days of the contest. Saturday was the New England Barbeque Society (NEBS) grilling contest, which was followed by the whole hog contest. Sunday was the Kansas City Barbeque Society (KCBS) event. Everything was held at the Norwalk Oyster Festival, which is actually a pretty legitimate thing -- one organizer who I talked to estimated that over the weekend, approximately 50,000 people would be there.

The judges' meeting for the NEBS contest -- featuring such foods as seafood, ribeye, sausage, and a dessert -- was at 11AM. Getting to the recommended parking lot at about 10:25AM, I had plenty of time to make it to the festival via the shuttle bus. However, a handful of other prospective judges and I waited for about 20 minutes for the bus to arrive. After loading everyone up, driving the 2 miles to the festival, and walking across the fairgrounds to the judges' tent, it was about 11:10. Unfortunately, they don't let anyone in after the meeting has started.

The other judges on the bus and I talked to Bill, the competition organizer; unfortunately, he couldn't do anything for us in terms of the grilling contest. But luckily enough for me, he gave me the sympathy assignment of being both an on-site and blind tasting judge for the whole hog contest. Some of the other judges didn't have the time to stick around for whole hog and had to go back home without having eaten anything.

I had more than three hours to kill at this place while I waited for the whole hog judges' meeting. Still, I'd gotten into this large festival for free -- judges don't have to pay to get into any of these things. So I did what anyone would do: I walked around the crafts booths and continuously stole samples of jams and dips, making sure not to fill up too much. The great weather helped too. If anything, the outside time was probably good for me. After making about ten laps around the fairgrounds, it was time for the whole hog contest.

After the meeting, we divided up into groups of three judges. Each group would visit the cooking sites of three different barbeque teams. And when you get there, as a judge, they treat you like a VIP. The judges are usually invited under the cooking tent to a fancy looking table with a tablecloth. The cooking team then presents their hog to you. (re-reads last sentence...giggles....) The head cook usually gives you a brief spiel about how they cooked the pig, and then they feed you.

All three teams I judged gave us several different cuts of the pig, from the crispy skin, to the loin, to the cheek, to the bacon. The food all ranged from very good to fucking awesome -- pardon the judging lingo. Still, the best part about the on-site judging may have been the VIP treatment. The cooking teams kiss your ass and normal festival-goers stand outside the tent and take pictures of you guys as if you had some sort of actual authority.

After this, we went back to the judging tent, and I joined another group of judges for the blind whole hog part of the contest -- that is, all the teams turn in samples of their whole hog and the judges taste them without knowing whose is whose. Usually, judges don't get to do both the on-site and the blind judging, but the missed NEBS sympathy assignment was still in full effect. After eating more whole hog and scoring it, I packed up the leftovers and headed home.

Day 2!

I woke up even earlier on day two, determined to park somewhere where I wouldn't have to rely on a shuttle bus. On my way in, I found a meter spot that was about a five-minute walk from the fairgrounds. Of course, the meters didn't run on Sunday. Perfect. Free parking. I walked over to the judges' tent and got there a good 45 minutes before the judges' meeting.

Fast-forwarding through the next two hours -- I sat around and talked to the other judges, we had the meeting, and then we waited for the chicken turn-in at noon. Although one thing I always get a kick out of is the oath that the judges recite together before each contest:

I do solemnly swear to objectively and subjectively evaluate each Barbeque meat that is presented to my eyes, my nose, my hands and my palate. I accept my duty to be an Official KCBS Certified Judge, so that truth, justice, excellence in Barbeque and the American Way of Life may be strengthened and preserved forever.

For realsies. You would think something like that would come with a diploma. Oh, wait -- it actually did once I became a certified judge. Yes, I have a diploma from KCBS. These people take themselves very seriously. Sure, you have the people who do one or two contests a year for fun, but then you also have the people who drive hundreds of miles, almost every weekend, to judge barbeque. Again, for realsies.

So noon finally came and we received our chicken. Each table of six judges got six teams' food, and judging was blind and randomized -- we didn't know which teams we were judging, and we never got the same team for more than one of the foods that was turned in (chicken, ribs, pork, and brisket). For the most part, the chicken was good. Two teams' pieces were great. One wasn't that good. Everything else fell somewhere in between. I may have been looking forward to the chicken the least of any of the meats, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Next up, the ribs. We got our six samples, and then dug in. All were very good. One I thought was outstanding. Not as good as the best ribs I've ever had, but close. None of them were bad.

After that, the pulled pork. Again, delicious. I feel like I'm getting redundant: Food is brought to me. It's yummy. I write down some numbers. The process repeats itself with a different food.

Finally, the brisket. Here's where the script diverges a little. Evidently, at contests in the northeast, the brisket is always the weakest entry. My table only got one brisket that we would classify as very good. A few others were decent. Two were flat-out bad. I'd been packing my leftovers in bags all day to take home, but these two briskets didn't even make the cooler cut. If I'm given free food to take home with me and decide not to, you know something's wrong with it.

After the KCBS contest ended, they asked about half the judges to stick around for another hour to judge the non-KCBS-sanctioned "Anything Butt" (anything but the four items they'd turned in already) and sauce categories. Teams don't have to compete in these categories, but there are small cash prizes for the winners, so many teams choose to turn in for these. Not having anything else to do, I stuck around.

Part of the fun of the Anything Butt category is that the teams can turn in literally anything. The rule in the rulebook that the head judge always takes pleasure in reading is that "teams must be willing to eat their own entries." So if a cook likes rocky mountain oysters, I guess I'm digging in.

Luckily for me, the entries were all things I'd eaten before -- there was a filet, a seafood bisque, a hamburger that we think was either lamb or buffalo, a beef wellington, and two other entries I can't seem to remember at the moment. Other tables got things like lamb chops and crepes. Surprisingly, I really liked the seafood bisque over all the red meat. Maybe it's just that I was slowly slipping into a meat coma, but from first looks what I thought would be my least favorite item was actually my favorite. Definitely a smart move by that team to make seafood.

The sauces were all okay. There were two I liked a lot and one vinegary one I didn't care for. I packed them in my cooler to take home, said goodbye to the judges I'd met there, and headed home with both a stomach and a cooler full of meat.

As I said in the beginning of the post, if you like barbeque and you're willing to eat chicken, pig, and cow, you should look into becoming a certified barbeque judge. Yes, it's like $50 to get certified, but I view that as an initial investment that will pay dividends later when you're loaded up with lots of awesome food for free.

I, for one, know that I'll be going back next year. And also looking for other contests in the area to judge in the meantime. Am I going to become one of those people who judges 35 contests a year? No.

Well, at least not at least right now. Ask me again in a year. If I can see you over my giant gut/FUPA, I'll answer.

Labor Day Road Trip, Part II

2010-09-13T19:17:00.001-04:00

In case you missed it, here's Part I of my road trip recap. Now, on to Part II:

The Anchor Bar in Buffalo: Pretty damn good wings. And the best part is that they were slightly different from normal buffalo wings that you'd get at any random bar across America. I'm not exactly sure what it was -- but I do know that they were meaty and the medium wings had a nice, subtle spicy kick. Adam, who's one of those people who likes hot sauce on everything, asked for some of their hotter wing sauce on the side. They brought him a cup of their "suicidal" sauce. Eyes watering slightly, and trying to hold back a cough, he told me it was good. I even tried a drop -- you know, for the experience. It helped me remember why I don't like spicy things.

We went to the Anchor Bar mostly for the experience, expecting just to have any other wing, but came away pleasantly surprised. And of course, a picture of food:

Clutch Moment of Day 2, Winner: We'll go chronologically and give out the award here instead of at the end of the post. As we were leaving the Anchor Bar, the lady at the front asked us if we'd gone to the Buffalo Wing Festival yet. We both did a double-take. Wait, what? How did we not know about this?

After gathering the necessary info, we headed down to Coca-Cola Field, home of the Buffalo Bisons minor league baseball team for the National Buffalo Wing Festival. It was $5 each to get in (going to a Parkinson's charity, I think), and then we could buy food tickets. Typically, $2 got you 3 wings from any of the vendors -- and they had restaurants from all over selling their food there.

The Anchor Bar was represented there, but since we'd already had it, we decided to sample others' wings. We sampled wings from all over the country, but our favorite was one out of Charlotte, NC called the "Huli Huli" wing, which had an Asian sweet and spicy (but not too spicy) taste to it. Getting there in the early afternoon was also a huge plus, as we waited a maximum of maybe five minutes in any of the food lines. When we left at about 2PM, it was getting pretty crowded.

On a side note, there were a lot of fat, grouchy people there. Most of them were wearing Bills clothing. I'm not sure if the fat part was from the fact that we were at an unhealthy food festival or that Buffalo residents are right at the end of bulking up for the long winter ahead. You know, like bears do.

The grouchiness is more than understandable though. First and foremost, Trent Edwards. Second, Buffalo just seemed like a depressing city. Even though the weather on this trip hadn't been fantastic, it hadn't been bad yet -- until Buffalo. Uncomfortably cold and windy on Labor Day probably isn't a good sign for the months to come. And lastly, Trent Edwards.

The only downside was that we had to leave to get to Toronto, so we missed the National Buffalo Wing Eating Championship. Don't feel too bad for us, though -- Joey Chestnut didn't even win. Although I don't know if there's any shame in losing to Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas. That woman can eat.

Sketchiest Moment of the Trip: Excluding Murph's general behavior (see Part I), of course. After a stop at Niagara falls, we made our way into Canada. Unfortunately, we were still a good hour and a half from Toronto at about 4:30, and we had a fantasy football draft for our school league at 5. So we did what any normal people would do -- we pulled into the parking lot of a Best Western outside Hamilton, Ontario and stole their wireless signal. About an hour later, and having somehow gotten both Frank Gore and DeAngelo Williams in a 12-team league, we were back on the road.

Clutch Moment of Day 2, Runner- Up: Wandering around Toronto looking for a place to eat dinner, we randomly stumbled upon a restaurant called C'est What, which only after going inside, did we realize had won several awards for having the best beer selection in all of Ontario. The food was really good also. I got a buffalo burger and poutine. Yes, I was still full from all the wings I'd eaten that afternoon, but I didn't care. You can't go to Canada and not have poutine.

The Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto: For all you other hockey fans out there (yes, both of you), you have to go see the Hockey Hall of Fame. There's a big exhibit of all the stars of the game, one for the game's history, and a big interactive section where you can have pucks shot at you while you try to stop them. As an added bonus, there's currently an exhibit showcasing all of the Olympic medals since 1896 on loan from the Olympic museum. Plus that whole "get your picture taken with the Stanley Cup" thing. That's pretty cool too.

The CN Tower in Toronto: The CN tower is that gigantic tower you always see in pictures of Toronto. It's also technically the tallest building in the world because of the antenna on top. The views from the top are pretty spectacular, but because you're basically paying money to ride a really long elevator, this is one of those touristy things that you pay $25 for to do once, and then cross off your list. Kind of like visiting a Thai brothel.

I'll have a write-up of The Blue Jays game at Rogers Centre in another post.

And of course, as soon as my meat sweats subside, I'll put something here up about my weekend as a barbeque judge. For those of you who need a definition of "meat sweats," here you go. I just think it's incredibly poor marketing to have a shirt like that that only goes up to 2XL.

Labor Day Road Trip, Part I

2010-09-09T22:17:00.002-04:00

Here's your aforepromised (a word which isn't actually a word, even though you know exactly what it means) Labor Day Weekend Road Trip Recap. Characters in this saga are me and Adam, a friend from school. We're gonna do this in a few parts, partly because I can, but mostly because I don't feel like writing all of it up now.

Before we start though, I just want everyone to know that karma's gonna come back to get me sometime soon, since on this road trip, everything seemed to go right. We didn't hit any traffic and each of our border crossings delayed us no more than two or three minutes. We cut an hour-long line at the BBQ restaurant in Syracuse. We stumbled across the National Buffalo Wing Festival without even knowing that it was going on. We randomly found the restaurant that was voted to have the best beer selection in Ontario. We saw indoor and outdoor baseball in Toronto, all in one game.

And after that teaser, the highlights of Day 1:

The Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown: They do a great job of mixing exhibits to reflect baseball's past and its present, and also in working in all the teams. Also, it's nice to see that the guy who put together the baseball card exhibit and the guy who makes the plaques have senses of humor. Plus, they have an entire Yankees room. A must-visit for any baseball fan.

Brewery Ommegang in Cooperstown: A 10-minute drive south of town is Brewery Ommegang, which specializes in Belgian-style craft beers. They continuously run free 15-20 minute tours, followed by a tasting of seven or so of their beers, along with pretzels, cheese dips, chocolate, and some other light snacks to complement the drinks. And the best part: it's all free. The people there are awesome, the beer is good, and once again -- IT'S FREE. There's really no reason not to go.

Dinosaur BBQ in Syracuse: It was good. Not great, but good. It didn't help that we had ridiculously high expectations, but while we both enjoyed our meal, we weren't blown away by it. The brisket was inconsistent; some pieces were tender and some were clearly undercooked. The ribs had good texture but lacked flavor.

Two items did impress me, though. The mac and cheese was great, and the pulled pork was fantastic, although they didn't need to douse it in BBQ sauce. The sauce itself was good, but it masked the flavor of the pork. The best pieces of pork were the ones that had escaped the saucing. And now, a Couchwarmers specialty -- a picture of food!

Late night fun in Syracuse: We wandered over to Empire Brewing Company. For $10, you can get six 6-oz. samples of their beers. We each ordered a sampler and got to try everything they had on tap. Good variety, and for the most part, good beer. This is also where we met "Murph." We'll get to that later.

Lightning Round!

Impression of Cooperstown: It's a museum with a town and brewery around it. Go to the museum. Go to the brewery. Then leave.

Impression of Syracuse: It's a ghost town. The restaurant was packed. The bars we went to afterwards were decently crowded. Otherwise, we didn't see people. We walked from our hotel to Dinosaur BBQ -- about a mile through downtown on a Saturday evening -- and saw maybe 10 people. Also, no one seems to know anything. Examples of things we heard about Syracuse University from random people we asked, and one example that I may have made up but wouldn't have been surprised to hear:

"Syracuse doesn't start classes for another two weeks."
"Oh, classes right after Labor Day."
"Classes have been going on since August."
"Syracuse disbanded. Now they just run a giant abortion clinic inside the Carrier Dome."

Who was right? Who cares. I'm sure I could look something like this up, but why even bother? If the residents don't have to know, neither do I.

Clutch Moment of Day 1, Runner Up: While at Empire Brewing Company, we met Murph. He gave us his business card. It had a $100 bill printed on the back of it. He told us that he sold apartments and that he basically ran Syracuse. He may have been a slumlord. He was leaning on the bar and slurring his words. He was 36-years-old and divorced.

Before he passed out though, he bought us beers and introduced us to the group that he was there with, only one of whom actually knew Murph. We spent the rest of the night hanging out and having a lot of fun with this group. They were good people who spoke very highly of Syracuse. Not wanting to insult our new friends, we kept our mouths shut.

Clutch Moment of Day 1, Winner: After wandering through the downtown Syracuse wasteland, we got to Dinosaur BBQ. It was packed, and we were told that the wait would be about an hour and a half. Whatever. We were there for the barbecue. We were staying. We went to the bar to kill the time. We'd been there for about 10 minutes when Adam managed to poach himself a chair and I was able to find space to stand right next to it. Right as we did this, the people right next to us received large plates of food.

We asked the bartender if we could order food at the bar. She said we could, and that there was a chair all the way on the other side of the bar that I could sit in if I wanted to bring it around. I hustled around to the other side of the bar, grabbed the chair and navigated it through the maze of people, all of who seemed to be giving me the evil eye. I found my way back to the bar, we got our menus, ordered, and shortly thereafter, got our food. In all, we cut about 75 minutes off our waiting time. So if you're ever at Dinosaur BBQ and it's ridiculously crowded, try to make your way to the bar so you can order there. With all the time you save, you can hang out with Murph later.

Keep checking back for Part II. I'm off to watch Brett Favre self-destruct in the 2nd half.

Yes, I'm Still Here

2010-09-07T21:05:00.000-04:00

No, I haven't forgotten about you guys. It's just that, you know, I got back from my aforementioned Labor Day road trip after midnight last night and have spent most of today getting ready for my five hours of class tomorrow. That's what happens when you do things, evidently.

Expect Part I of the road trip post to go up sometime on Thursday. Until then, enjoy the song that's been stuck in my head for the past day or so:

Also, it's been pointed out to me that in my pre-camp post, I wrote the following: "So technically, until the middle of August, I'm not a member of the 9.7%. I'll be back from the 90.3% though, and that's a promise."

So I broke a promise to all of you by deciding to something with myself. Again, my most sincere apologies. I'm an awful, awful person. To repent, I shall sit through five straight hours of class tomorrow. Yeah, that'll show me.

Summer Recap, Now with Life Goals 'n Stuff

2010-09-03T12:07:00.001-04:00

If a cobra fought a mongoose, who would win?

Rejoice, loyal readers. I'm back. I know that Daniel promised to keep the site alive while I was gone. Well, so much for that. Whatever. I'm back and ready to crank this thing up again. You no longer have to suffer through Daniel's LeBron ramblings. Also, for those of you who follow us on Twitter, I apologize for Daniel ignoring it, unless he was tweeting Matthew Berry asking for fantasy football advice.

Therefore, for hooking The Couchwarmers up to a life support machine and then leaving the room, I'm dedicating the following to video to you:

Actually, I just wanted to find a way to post that video. If it's catchy and obscene, you'll be sure to find it here. I hold no ill will towards Daniel. It wasn't his fault that LeBron climbed inside his brain and refused to leave until he'd booked a one-way ticket to Miami. I'm changing the dedication on the video. Now it's going out to LeBron. Fuck you, LeBron.

Now back to the issue at hand: me. What have I been doing with myself? And what are these life goals which I referenced in the title of this post? All together now: Who are you and what have you done with Sam?

Well to start, camp was awesome, as usual, even though I was stuck in an office for a few hours every day doing some scheduling stuff. But I guess that's what happens when you've been there a few years. More responsibility, but also the chance that one day, they might give you a personalized candy machine. If the candy people are reading this, I like Snickers bars. But not Snickers salad. That stuff looks gross.

Yes, I know I promised to put some posts up over the summer, but once I got there, I realized that my jobs at camp took priority. And when I was done with those, I wanted nothing more than to just hang out and do camp stuff. To all you loyal readers, I apologize for my absence. But now, I'm back and ready to give you what you've come to know and love from The Couchwarmers.

I got back from camp about two weeks ago. Yes, I know -- why haven't I been posting since then? Well, I've had more important things to worry about, such as, you know, applying to grad school. And thanks to rolling admissions, I'm already a grad student.

For those of you who care, I'm getting my Master's in Teaching at Manhattanville College. I'm going for secondary math education, which will certify me to teach math in Grades 5 through 12. But mainly, I'm going so I can brainwash America's youth. As a friend put it, "I can only imagine you going to grad school with dark, dark motives." This would be that. Estimated date that my army will be ready to take over a major metropolitan city: 2021. Have no worries, though -- all Couchwarmers readers will be safe. Just smear your door with lamb's blood when the time comes. Hey, it's worked before.

And now, a quick break from being mature to dish out some toilet humor. Look at the title of this article! This one too! I don't think you guys are gonna have to worry about grad school changing the type of cutting-edge reporting you're gonna find here. Or the valuable life advice that we dish out. Although the article says nothing about how A.C. Slater-ing (or as I prefer to call it, Koala-ing) affects your health. Perhaps a Couchwarmers investigative report is in order.

That being said, now that I'm actually doing something with myself, the posts won't be as frequent. I'm not going to drop down to Daniel's once-every-four-weeks level of updating the site, but the days of twice-daily posts are most likely done. Expect new stuff to go up a few times every week.

As for Daniel -- he's done, I guess? His motivation to post was last seen wandering alone in the south Bronx at 2AM with a big wad of cash sticking out of its pocket and spewing racial epithets. My guess is that it isn't coming back.

I do know that he got some sort of job working recruitment for some school that's not gonna exist until 2012. Could it be a scam? Possibly. Odds that there's actually a school? I'd put it at 50/50. And if the school does exist, is there a decent chance that he'll do a good job recruiting for about a month, but then get bored with it and only show up to recruit from then on out when he wants to say something about LeBron James? I've already made my point here.

So, yes -- he has a job now and I'm a full-time student. Neither of us are technically part of the 9.7% (or whatever it's at now) anymore. But -- and I'm only speaking for myself when I say this -- I really like doing this. It's fun to write this stuff. And a lot of you have told me that you enjoy reading it. True, you may be bullshitting me. But I don't care. As long as I'm enjoying doing this, The Couchwarmers lives on.

First up, I'm taking a Labor Day road trip this weekend to Cooperstown, Syracuse, Buffalo, and Toronto. There will definitely be a post or two about that. And next weekend, I'm judging my first barbecue contest. As always, when I eat something awesome, you'll be sure to hear about it.

And now back to the other issue at hand: the animal fight. Cobra vs. Mongoose. Got a guess? Good. Now watch the video and find out for yourself. Enjoy the weekend.

Links To Pass On

2010-07-21T14:06:00.000-04:00

Pretty busy at work today but couldn't resist sharing the following:

1. If you live in Elmhurst, Illionois, you might want to start walking around with your eyes closed...

http://consumerist.com/2010/07/illinois-town-wants-to-outlaw-eye-rolling.html

2. A baby was born with a penis on his back. Imagine the different positions he'll be able to experiment with when he gets older...

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1273232.ece

3. A black British couple gave birth to a white baby. You can make your own joke about this one.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3060907/Black-parents-give-birth-to-white-baby.html

4. And finally, on a more serious note, if you haven't tired of this subject yet (and really, you should read these even if you have) here are two articles that pretty much crown LeBron James as the world's biggest asshole. Enjoy your Wednesday.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=ohlmeyer_don&id=5397113

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news?slug=aw-heatfreeagency071610

Your Jason Whitlock Sycophantic Post

2010-07-20T16:21:00.002-04:00

At approximately 3:40 PM this afternoon, Jason Whitlock of foxsports.com fame tweeted that he had a rant aimed at sportswriter Mitch Albom and he was looking for the right forum to post it on. Desperate for some PR (and hits), I tweeted incessantly to Mr. Whitlock to try to get him to consider Couchwarmers. I was beaten to the punch by the folks at Deadspin and The Big Lead. While many others would suspend their pathetic pursuit of celebrity at this point, I put the Couchwarmers above my own pride and, at the suggestion of my friend Ethan, decided to list a few reasons why Jason Whitlock should use the Couchwarmers as the venue for his diatribe.

1. We post videos like this one on our blog:

2. The Couchwarmers are loyal readers and fans of Whitlock. That should go without saying but I said it anyway.

3. We need the help way more than Deadspin and The Big Lead. They're fantastic sites but Whitlock could really flex his muscles if he hopped on a site with a small readership and made it huge. It's like LeBron going on ESPN for "The Decision," only without the scathing criticism. That's right--I just compared LeBron to Jason Whitlock and ESPN to the Couchwarmers.

4. Our blog runs the gamut from sports to politics to competitive eating to unemployment. Sorta like Whitlock's tweets.

So there's your sales pitch, Jason. A simple shoutout would be nice but a guest post would be awesome. You're doing god's work out there. Let's help the little guy.

Last LeBron Post (Unless He Signs With The Knicks)

2010-07-08T14:44:00.002-04:00

Somebody explain this to me. Please. For the first time in my 20+ years as a sports fan (or at least since Mathias Kiwanuka inexplicably let go of Vince Young on 4th down and cost the Giants a playoff berth in 2006), I am completely at a loss.

What happened to LeBron James? And perhaps more importantly, what happened to his handlers who had so brilliantly created a narrative about who LeBron James is? LeBron supposedly had the competitive fire of Michael Jordan mixed with the selflessness of Magic Johnson. He was going to singlehandedly return glory to the NBA. He was a kid from Akron, Ohio who ditched high-profile agents, choosing instead to be represented by his hometown pals. Sure he had aspirations to be the first billionaire athlete, but his reputation and attachment to Ohio stood above all.

And that’s what makes this whole circus so dumbfounding.

We witness disingenuousness from professional athletes all the time. They tell us one thing but believe another. We feel let down--betrayed even--for a little while before we ultimately move on. This is, and has been, the nature of the fan-athlete relationship in pro sports. Regardless of how LeBron were to play his cards, he was going to let down several fan bases. They would be bitter in the short run (and maybe in Cleveland, for longer than that) but they would ultimately move on to a new target. As the saying goes, time heals all wounds.

But what I can’t wrap my head around is why a man with such an acute business sense who has surrounded himself with people who claim to have his best interests at heart would seemingly volunteer to take a reputation hit that far outreaches the ramifications of the decision alone. I just can’t see how the developments the last couple days have helped LeBron’s brand. Earlier this week, he was considered a selfless superduperstar who was getting almost 2006 Kevin Garnett-esque sympathy for never having had the opportunity to play with anyone. Fast forward 72 hours and after an announcement of a one-hour announcement special on ESPN and some media deception, he’s become a self-absorbed prick willing to stab his hometown in the back on a nationally televised stage. Where’s the upside there?

And it’s not about the decision itself. Had he held a normal press conference saying that he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to play with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami, he still would have been panned for not wanting to be the top dog of a franchise but he would not have generated this degree of scathing criticism. Coward, yes, but at least he could retain the selfless tag. Not anymore.

Just to put in perspective how absurd this display of flamboyancy has been, consider the following email (that was meant to be tongue-in-cheek) featured in Bill Simmons’ mailbag this past Thanksgiving:

Q: You know how when top recruits in basketball or football make their college decision, they often call a press conference and put the three hats of the schools that made the final three in front of them ... then pick up the hat of the school of choice and put it on? What if LeBron announces he will pick his 2010-11 team live on ABC on a certain date for a show called "LeBron's Choice?" What type of crazy ratings would that get?
-- Drew, Columbus, Ohio

Substitute ABC for ESPN and “LeBron’s Choice” for “The Decision” and that’s exactly what we have at 9pm tonight. It's almost comical.

There still exists the possibility, however slim, that LeBron could decide to stay in Cleveland or perhaps even come to New York. The fans in Cleveland would be relieved and the fans in New York would be elated. But once that relief/elation wears off, I suspect there will remain a hint of resentment, buried way beneath the surface, because LeBron put us all through this parade of narcissism. Time does heal all wounds but it can’t cure scars.

July 1: D-Day

2010-07-01T09:34:00.001-04:00

The Couchwarmers twitter account is your source for all things NBA free agency on this highly-anticipated Thursday. I will be tweeting news and reaction all day long so for those of you who are unable to check a thousand different sports websites at work (like I am), stay tuned.

LeBron to LeBulls?

2010-06-30T10:10:00.003-04:00

As I touched on in my last post, midnight tonight will mark the beginning of the most anticipated free agency period in NBA history. Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Joe Johnson, Carlos Boozer, Dirk Nowitzki, Paul Pierce and, oh yeah, LeBron James will test the market, looking for their next big paycheck. The Knicks, my team of choice, have had July 1 circled on their calendar for about two years now, hoping that the bright lights of New York could lure LeBron James (and more) to the Big Apple. As we have neared that fateful date, however, the Knicks' chances of signing a marquee free agent like James or Wade have seemed to dwindle. Talks of LeBron and Bosh heading to Chicago to team up with Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah have heated up. Here's a story that, if true, would put a nail in the Knicks' coffin and make this Bulls #6 jersey a reality.

I heard the following from ESPN's Chad Ford (no, not actually from him face-to-face but on a podcast). Apparently, after every game Michael Jordan played in Chicago, he would go to Gibson's Steakhouse for a post-game meal. MJ would sit at the same table, with the same waiter. Every game. When LeBron heard that Jordan used to do this, he decided to follow suit. Whenever he plays in Chicago, LeBron goes to Gibson's and sits at the same table as Jordan did, with the same waiter as Jordan had. This is not a guy trying to run from Michael Jordan's shadow; this is a guy trying to embrace it. Hell, the dude has worn Jordan's jersey number for the past seven seasons--the comparisons come with the territory.

Granted, there's a huge difference between sitting at the same table as the best player of all time and trying to follow in his footsteps by signing with "his" team. But here's the rub. Ford went to Gibson's to check out this table and see if he could get a scoop from the waiter. This waiter was allegedly a confidante of Jordan's and has since become somewhat of a confidante to James. Ford asked the waiter if he has any insight into where LeBron will sign. The waiter responded, "He's coming to Chicago. He already asked me to reserve his table."

So for what it's worth, Jordan's/LeBron's waiter seems sure that LeBron will be playing in Chi-Town next season. As much as it pains me to say it as a Knicks fan, Chicago makes the most sense of any possible destination. He gets a championship-caliber roster around him (something he doesn't have right now in Cleveland), he's close to home (and we all know how much Akron means to LeBron) and it's not as blatantly a money-grab or a desire for superduperstardom that a move to New York would entail. At this point, I'd be surprised if LeBron DOESN'T go to the Bulls. Well, at least Carmelo Anthony is a free agent next year...

Weekend Recap, Now with a World Record 215 Underpants

2010-06-28T12:19:00.000-04:00

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. For those of you who are upset at having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

Well, this weekend's big story was both frustrating and heart-wrenching. It made you want to throw your remote at the television and curse our country. It was an unprecedented American travesty. Yes, Justin Bieber's mom was offered only $50,000 to pose topless for Playboy.

On a much lesser note, this weekend also featured the end of the United States' soccer team's Cinderella run--though I'm not quite sure a team that wins only one of four games can be considered to have made a Cinderella run in the first place. Ghana was just faster and Landon Donovan clearly had other things on his mind like, uh, a paternity accusation... The patriotic amongst us are disappointed but, look on the bright side, Glenn Beck was cheering for Team U.S.A. so we can all take solace in knowing that he is upset (yes, now that Sam is on sabbatical, the political references can come out).

Speaking of America, there's nothing more American than Disney World. And now you can live there...if you have $1.5-$8 million and arrested development.

As for cartoons, this ten-year-old boy isn't watching many cause he's too busy trying on 215 pairs of underpants. Good for him: he gets a world record in his honor and lots of protection against wedgies.

Switching gears to BET awards last night, where Chris Brown did his best Michael Jackson impression, which quickly turned into his best Stephon Marbury impression as he sobbed his way through "Man in the Mirror." He left many thinking that he's come a long way from his Rihanna-beating ways and others thinking that he's got a hell of a P.R. guy.

LeBron James grabbed headlines by canceling his free agent tour around the country and making salivating NBA general managers fly to Cleveland to make their respective pitches there. The Nets will visit the King first, which will place James, rapper/Nets minority owner Jay-Z and billionaire/charismatic Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov in the same room. On the scale of meetings that I wish I could sit in on, this one ranks somewhere above this one and somewhere below the Last Supper.

Staying with NBA free agency, the Knicks plan to fly to Los Angeles to meet with Hawks guard Joe Johnson at 9 PM (12 AM Eastern Time) to mark the beginning of the free agency period. The Knicks secret sales weapon: Allan Houston. They hope he can give Johnson and other free agents a "player perspective" on what it's like to play in New York. The conversation will probably go something like this:

"Hey Joe, playing in New York is great! The Knicks will give you 100 million dollars when you're pushing 30 years old, can't do much more than score and have never won before. That's exactly what they did for me and look what happened!"

Yea, we're screwed. I'll try to post later this week as long as I don't have an aneurysm before then.

USA-Ghana Preview

2010-06-26T09:39:00.002-04:00

Dan (not Daniel, but another Dan) was born and raised in California. In today's match, he'll be rooting for Ghana. He has an explanation for this, but it's not a good one. As he is the expert on the Ghanaian soccer team, he's been nice enough to give us a preview of the game:

As the foremost expert on the Ghanaian national soccer team in Sam’s circle of friends, I’ve been asked to write a preview of the upcoming round of 16 match between the US and the Black Stars. I’ve been hooked on Ghanaian soccer ever since the second day I spent studying abroad in Accra, when I got ripped off buying a Ghana jersey and needed to find a way to justify the expense.

In the interest of full disclosure, I rooted for Ghana when they beat the US 2-1 back in 2006. Despite the cries of “Traitor,” “Terrorist,” “Don’t Tread” and “Give Back Your Passport,” I plan on doing so again on Saturday. I’d go into the reasons why, but either you know me or you probably don’t care that much, so I’ll get on with the preview.

The Ghana Black Stars

There are a couple reasons why the U.S. should beat Ghana now and hope to avoid them in 2014:

First, Ghana’s best player isn’t in South Africa. Michael Essien, who plays for Chelsea and is known for his strikes of unbelievable quality, is injured. Many predicted that the Black Stars wouldn’t get out of their group because of his absence, but they still are not the same team without him.

Second, Ghana is the youngest team in the World Cup. Featuring a number of players from the team that won the Under-20 World Cup in a penalty shootout against Brazil, Ghana’s average age is only 24 yrs 9 months and they brought 5 players who still couldn’t get past the bouncer at your favorite neighborhood bar. They’re probably 4 years away from making a deep run.

Perhaps the best news for Ghanaians is that they can stop accusing their Serbian coach, Milovan Rajevac, of being a traitor now that Serbia is out. Rajevac has turned Ghana into a more defensive, cautious team than the self-proclaimed “Brazilians of Africa” have been in the past. Much to Eric Cantona’s chagrin, they’ve played a 4-5-1 all tournament and have yet to score in open play, only converting 2 penalty kicks so far. This isn’t out of the ordinary unfortunately, as Ghana have scored more than one goal exactly one time in their last 12 games (that was on the road in Ouagadougou (best capital ever) against the powerful Burkina Faso national team). It seems to work for Ghana though, since they still managed to reach the African Cup of Nations final during that stretch, after three straight 1-0 victories.

The Matchups

Ghana’s Offense vs. USA’s Defense: Otherwise known as the the stoppable force against the moveable object. The US has looked shaky in the back throughout the tournament and Ghana seems to only be able to score when the other team is down to 10 men and Obama slogan stealer Asamoah “Yes We” Gyan scores a penalty kick. Ghana have created a fair number of chances, but haven’t been able to finish them and that could be their undoing on Saturday. Despite Ghana’s better celebratory goal dances, this one is Advantage USA.

Midfields: Despite the loss of Essien, Ghana’s strength is still in the midfield. Bolstered by mercenary Kevin Prince-Boateng (who, just before the World Cup, opted to play for Ghana over Germany—which is where he was born and is who his brother plays for) and Hungry Hungry Anthony Annan (who once bit an opposing player on the stomach), Ghana have more creative ability, strength and speed in the midfield, which gives them the edge over the USA’s talent in Donovan and Dempsey. Advantage Ghana.

USA’s Offense vs. Ghana’s Defense: While Ghana’s central defender and captain John Mensah is known as the “Rock of Gibraltar,” Goalkeeper Richard Kingson is a bit of an adventure. He gifted Australia a goal in the group stage and can often be found out of position doing who knows what when the ball is crossed into the box. Ghana’s back 4 are solid overall though, and will make life tough for the USA. That said, the US has found ways to score (albeit late ways) in each game so far and I think they have a slight edge here. Advantage USA.

Intangibles: The USA has plenty of momentum, they’re due for a lucky break or a decent call at some point and they’ve got the whole revenge thing going after being knocked out by Ghana in 2006. On the other hand, Ghana will be the only African side left in the final 16. South African fans will no doubt rally around the Black Stars (though no one will be able to tell because every moment of every game sounds like vuvuzela), but Sub-Saharan Africa’s first independent country will play inspired soccer on behalf of the entire continent. Advantage Ghana.

Prediction

The USA should win this game. Ghana have been a bit lucky so far and have basically scrapped their way out of a tough group. The US, on the other hand, has had brilliant stretches in this World Cup and has more overall talent. The game likely goes one of two ways: either the US continues waiting until halftime to show up and lets Ghana steal one early, or they play like they can and score two goals which, against this Ghanaian team, might be the equivalent of reaching double digits in a 4^th grade basketball league.

I’ll take the US 2-1, but after I finish writing this, I’m done being unbiased. So, you can all come to receive your gloating after Ghana knocks out the only team that doesn’t know what the game they’re playing is called, at which point 27 people will actually be sad, 24.9 million will shrug their shoulders and the rest of the 275 million will go back to their Dancing with the Stars Marathon unmoved, while the entire country of Ghana probably takes at least a week off from work to party. Yes We Gyan!

Couch Pretzels: The Magic Bullet Infomercial

2010-06-25T15:56:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago, Peter brought "Couch Pretzels" to The Couchwarmers. Today, Peter is back for part deux. Nothing like a commentary on infomercials to fill a Friday afternoon.

The Magic Bullet Infomercial: There are a lot of good possibilities in the infomercial category: Sham-Wow, The Snuggie, anything involving Ron Popeil. But the Magic Bullet wins out because of its ability to provide the audience with just enough narrative to keep us watching—not for the product, but for the characters.

The premise of the original infomercial is the day after a neighborhood barbecue. For some unexplained reason, all the guests -- middle aged yuppie types -- have crashed at the house of their hosts, Mick and Mimi. Was there some sort of after-party? Did these guests engage in a swingers-style spouse swap? We’ll never know, though I’d like to assume the answer to the last question is “yes.”

Anyway, Mick and Mimi wow their guests with brunch made by the Magic Bullet, which I can say from personal experience is just an extremely loud mini-blender (careful viewers will notice that the producers crudely dubbed in all dialogue when the machine is turned on; it’s because the Magic Bullet is as loud as a jet engine).

I’ll try to spare much of the summary, which is well chronicled here but as Mick and Mimi prepare everything from salsa to egg salad (including a vomit inducing squeeze of mayo into the device), the guests begin to reveal what makes them tick. Berman is obviously a drunk and a “party animal.” Hazel is much older than the other guests and smokes what sounds like eight packs a day. Fred and Wilma are generally wowed by the fact that “as fast as you can say Bob’s your Uncle, Franny’s your aunt, you’ve got a beautiful, homemade pesto sauce.”

But as I said earlier, we keep watching because the show gives us just enough to want to know more. It’s a little like LOST. We have theories about the characters (“Hazel is actually the maid!”) and questions that are destined to be unanswered (“Why does Berman hate Broccoli so much?”). We can reel off iconic lines (LOST has “See you in another life, brother,” the Magic Bullet has “Everyone gets [pause] exactly what [pause] they want!”). Follow-ups have been made, though like the subsequent LOST seasons, they pale in comparison to the original. The best part of the infomercial, however, is that it doesn’t end with Mick realizing he is living in purgatory until he learns to “let go” of his urge to throw the perfect dinner party.

Know Thy Enemy: Algeria

2010-06-22T17:18:00.000-04:00

Just thought I'd quickly give you the third part of my aforepromised (no, it's not actually a word, but you know exactly what it means) "Know Thy Enemy" series. Tomorrow the U.S. plays Algeria. A win puts the Americans in the knockout rounds. Since I've been out of the loop for the past few days, I don't know whether or not our soccer guru is going to have anything for you by tomorrow, so this may have to do in terms of a game preview. But isn't it fun to have Daniel back? He'll knock the rust off soon, I promise.

So I did some research on Algeria, and I really don't know what to say. 90% of Algerians live near the coast, because that's really the only livable part of the entire country. That's right, Algeria. Your country is a giant wasteland. Sam Kinison, what do you have to say about this?

Anything else I write will come off as being blatantly anti-Arab. While I don't particularly have a problem with offending large groups of people in one fell swoop, I'd really like not to start a Couchwarmers holy war here. Also, I'm a bit pressed for time. Direct all complaints to Daniel.

Enjoy the game. Win and we're in. Don't tread.

I'm Baaaaack

2010-06-22T13:02:00.002-04:00

I hope you all enjoyed Sam's tyrannic reign over The Couchwarmers for the past month or so. If you're still reading, I assume you did...or you just happen to be a member of Sam's family so you're obligated. Well, for the next two months at least, Sam will be in Maine so that leaves me as the principal voice of the Couchwarmers. I've been gone a while so, in order to best fill you in some loose ends, let's get an old-fashioned Q&A going, shall we?

What is Sam doing in Maine?

As he discussed here, Sam will be working as a camp counselor. For those who are unsure what Sam's definition of camp counseling is, it involves wearing Chaco sandals, a blue striped sweatshirt and khaki shorts, chewing on green Plackers floss sticks and listening to lots and lots of Jack Johnson. Sam will check in with The Couchwarmers when he can, so fear not.

What the hell have I been doing for the last few weeks?

Got a job, studied for and took the LSAT and spent a lot of time wondering where LeBron James will end up. I've also been watching this video on repeat (all 10 minutes worth) and staring at the ceiling. A lot.

So The Couchwarmers is not dead?
Nope. We're keeping this baby alive if for no other reason than to prove to all the naysayers that we can survive past July 31st.

But both Couchwarmers are currently employed, right? Wasn't the whole purpose of this blog that you were speaking on behalf of the 9.7% of the U.S. population that is currently seeking work?
No comment.

Is the format gonna be the same at least?
Format? This is a lazy man's blog. The format is amorphous. Let's just say that guest post opportunities continue to exist. However, one difference I'm gonna try to make is to use our Twitter account a bit more. For those who can't get enough Couchwarmers, make sure to follow.

Isn't a Q&A just a copout first post back?
You betcha. I'm letting some ideas marinate before I put them on virtual paper. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.

USA-Slovenia Preview

2010-06-17T21:02:00.002-04:00

We're happy to be joined once again by our soccer guru, Bradley, who's here to preview USA-Slovenia. Spit your gospel, Nostradamus:

A disclaimer before I preview USA-Slovenia: I just had my wisdom teeth removed and am very high on painkillers. I apologize if I make up words, players, or even countries. (Note: Slovenia is in fact a real country, despite it disguising itself as a small village. I am not making this place up, I swear.)

The main word that comes to mind about Friday’s match against Slovenia is “scary”. The US is the favorite, and is expected to take care of business. But this may not be that simple. The USA has a terrible track record of not showing up to play when they are favored to win. Just ask Ghana.

The U.S. absolutely can not lose. A loss virtually eliminates them. A tie really wouldn't be awful, but it would put immense pressure on the final game against Algeria. (More on scenarios below.) Not only does this game have the typical upset recipe from the U.S. side, but Slovenia has also made their living off big upsets -- they beat heavily favored Russia to qualify for the World Cup.

This team may not have many big names, but they are fearless, very much like The U.S. They also have virtually no pressure heading into this game, as a win puts them through to the knockout stage, while a loss doesn’t mean they are done by any stretch of the imagination. Like I said, scary.

This being said, I still think that the U.S. will win this game. They are much more talented in almost every position. Slovenia’s strategy will be to attempt to keep as much possession as possible by dominating the midfield. This is why Bob Bradley must start José Francisco Torres. He is much better in possession than Ricardo Clark, and he showed that against Turkey.

Likewise, Bob Bradley could switch the forwards by giving Edson Buddle a start. He didn’t get much time against England, but looked confident in his short appearance as he fired a hard shot immediately after entering the game. It wouldn’t necessarily be a mistake to start Findley, but I maintain that he is more effective off the bench because of his speed.

The U.S. is in a better position right now than many people give them credit for. A draw with Slovenia would be a disappointment, and anything less than 3 points against Algeria would be a terrible result. So you have to figure that the U.S. will end up with at least 5 points in the group.

You can also assume that England will beat Algeria in the second game, so going into the final matchup, both England and Slovenia would have 4 points, and they would be playing each other. A draw would put it into a goal differential tiebreaker between the three (assuming our 5 points from a tie with Slovenia), but they would most likely advance due to Slovenia’s measly 1-0 win against Algeria, who truly looked terrible.

You have to think that the U.S.A. will do better than that. If either team wins, the other will be left with 4 points, and the Red, White, and Blue advance. This being the case, you have to figure that the U.S. probably advances with a draw on Friday, but that is not the ideal situation. A win against Slovenia puts them in the drivers seat, hopefully not of this car, but of the metaphorical one. They could advance there with a draw against Algeria, something that has to be assumed is automatic. Knock on wood.

A loss against Slovenia, and the U.S has to pray that Slovenia beats England and that the U.S. can beat England on goal differential. That is of course assuming a U.S. win against Algeria. Goal differential wouldn’t be necessary if England lost to Algeria.

Let’s not even think about that though. When the U.S.A. wins 2-0 on Friday, the only thing that will matter is who they're going to play in the knockout stages. They won’t be officially qualified, but I will give it the Official Bradley Goldman Stamp of Advancement, which as you know, is very official. Dempsey and Jozy Altidore will have the two goals. Expect a better, more involved performance out of Landon Donovan, and expect Tim Howard to be his usual self.

Also, check out some Slovene’s trash talking. I would name him, but he's insignificant. I find it cute that someone who “came on as a substitute in the final minutes” is talking shit. Let’s hear you talk shit when you watch your team lose from the bench. Don’t tread.

Know Thy Enemy: Slovenia

2010-06-17T15:29:00.002-04:00

In advance of each of the USA's World Cup matches, The Couchwarmers are happy to bring you a series called "Know Thy Enemy." If you want insightful match analysis, you're gonna have to look elsewhere -- that's not what this is about. However, if you're looking for jingoistic taunts aimed at antagonizing the other side, welcome. Next up for Uncle Sam, ~~Slovakia~~ ~~Serbia~~ Slovenia:

I'll be honest with you, I didn't know too much about Slovenia before I started writing this up, so I did some research. Well, after poring over Wikipedia and Googling "slovene stereotypes," I've come to the realization that Slovenia is boring. Like, really, really fucking boring. Shove-a-hammer-and-sickle-through-your-eye boring.

Need examples? Well, here are some facts from a travel guide:

Food: "Generally speaking, Slovenian food is heavy, meaty and plain." Oh, man. I know when I go out to a restaurant, I look for the heaviest, blandest thing on the menu. This is why I held back on making fun of British food in the first installment of this series -- as bad as food in England is, they have fish and chips, which can actually be pretty good. So enjoy your heaping bowl of potato dumplings and egg noodles, Slovenia -- if you ever want to know what real food is like, come on over here and order yourself a cheeseburger with a side of bacon-cheese fries and a gigantic fucking milkshake. As a country, this might make us fat, but it also makes us awesome.

Cities: Your capital city, Ljubljana, is described as being "pint-sized." That's fucking adorable. I just wanna wrap you up in a little scarf and take you home with me. I can fit it all in this suitcase, right? Yeah, it'll fit.

Tipping: "The flip side to the near-disappearance of Communist-style 'service with a snarl' is that tips for service are now generally expected of foreigners at sit-down restaurants, with 10% considered standard. Note, however, that most Slovenians do not tip." You expect us to tip, and then you won't do the same? Assholes. You're boring, and a bunch of ungrateful bastards. And don't say it's because the food sucked -- that's an awful excuse. We've been over this already: all your food sucks.

People: Due to their economic success and historical, as well as contemporary cultural bonds to the West, they don't like their country to be described as part of 'Eastern Europe'." Too fucking bad. Look at a map. That's where you are. Deal with it. We don't like being called "near Canada," but we suck it up because geographically, that's where we are. So go ahead and whine about being described correctly. Or maybe you could also cry about...

Issues: "There are some open territorial issues with Croatia. Be careful if entering a discussion on this subject as nationalists get quite emotional when this subject is broached!" Let's just give it all to Croatia. Oooh, I went there! What are you gonna do about it, Slovenia?

Alright fine, so Slovenia is a boring place most of the year -- but I bet they've got some cool festivals and stuff, right? Well, sure. In its oldest, town, Ptuj (pronounced Pa-TOO-ey -- you know, like you're spitting), there's a ten-day long carnival of fertility in the spring that pays respects to an ancient god of hedonism.

Sweet, a hedonism festival! I bet that gets pretty exciting. Oh, you bet -- people dress in sheep skin and go around the town wearing masks, a long red tongue, cow bells, and multi-colored ribbons. Wait, what? Giant sheep men? When I think of hedonism, this really isn't the first image that pops into my mind:

That's hot. Slovene hedonism. Giant sheep dudes. Live it up, Slovenia.

Did you know that a study was done on the typical Slovene? Don't worry, I don't expect you to actually read that last link, because like Slovenia, it's really boring. Although I did enjoy this little tidbit: "One of the more popular Slovenian hobbies is urban gardening and many Slovenes dream about having a quiet house with a garden." You see, that's the difference between the U.S. and Slovenia. In America, kids dream about someday being a big sports star or an astronaut. In Slovenia, kids dream of someday having a garden. Dream big, Slovenia.

Even fights in Slovenia are boring: Get brushed by someone else's upper arm, fall over in a giant heap, and milk the non-injury for all it's worth. Then, stand around and make surprised faces at each other. In the U.S., we kick ass. In Slovenia, you do this:

So when the U.S. takes on Slovenia tomorrow, let's hope that the Slovenes don't slow down the game and make it as boring as their country seems to be. Because if they do, we've got a gigantic Red, White, and Blue boot that won't hesitate to put in their ass. The Slovene team shouldn't worry though -- as big stars in their country, I bet everyone on the team has a really, really nice garden and heaping bowl of egg noodles to go home to once Uncle Sam sends them back to Eastern Europe with their sheep-man tails tucked between their legs.

Summer State of The Couchwarmers

2010-06-17T09:01:00.003-04:00

As I've previously referenced, today I head up to Maine for the next two months for my summer job as a camp counselor. Yes, these are the only two months out of the year where I work, but they also happen to be my favorite two months out of the year. So technically, until the middle of August, I'm not a member of the 9.7%. I'll be back from the 90.3% though, and that's a promise.

Many of you have asked, "What's going to happen to The Couchwarmers while you're away?"

Well for one, I won't disappear completely. As a counselor, I'll have computer access, and when I have the time, I'll throw something up every now and then. Also, I've talked to Daniel and he's ready and willing to take the reins for a while. This afternoon, I've got "Know Thy Enemy: Slovenia" all set up to post, and late tonight, our resident soccer expert will throw a preview of tomorrow morning's match at you. After that, Daniel's driving for a while.

However, if Daniel decides to take this thing through a wall while I'm napping in the passenger seat, I would just like to say that it has been an honor and a privilege serving you these past few months.

That's not gonna happen, though. When I get back in two months, The Couchwarmers will still be going strong, and I'll be ready to step back in and officially rejoin the 9.7%.

And with that, it's time to hit the road. So long, loyal readers. I'll see you around.

An Answer to the Salt Problem

2010-06-16T16:19:00.001-04:00

New research has suggested that people who load their food up with salt might not have weak taste buds. In fact, the exact opposite could be true -- that people who love salt might be so called "supertasters," people who experience tastes more intensely than other people do. That's right, people -- my taste buds are strong. Too strong.

Like many of you, I load up my food with heaping piles of salt. Of course, every time someone sees me turn a salt shaker upside down and go after it like I'm using a Shake Weight, they give me the obligatory, "You know you shouldn't be eating that much salt, right?"

Yes, I know that too much salt greatly increases the risk of many health problems, high blood pressure to name a big one. But the problem here is that there's really no immediate harm that's gonna come to me from eating too much salt -- it'll be when I'm 50 years old and on all sorts of blood pressure medications to make up for the first several decades of my life.

As I've mentioned before, when I was younger, I was fat. After a while, I decided I didn't want to be fat anymore, not because of any health problems I was having, but because I looked like a tub. I stopped eating cookies by the handful and I started exercising, all because I wanted to look better.

The problem with salt is that there are no real immediate and visible consequences of over-consuming it. If you eat too much fatty food, then you'll get fat. If you eat too much salty food, your internal organs might scream at you, but on the outside, nothing will really change. If the government is serious about cutting Americans' salt consumption, then it needs to do more than just educate us about its dangers. I'm educated about what will happen to me -- I just don't give a shit.

No, what the government needs to do is put something in salt that will have some sort of immediate negative effect on our bodies. What if eating too much salt gave you hairy eyelids? Or caused you to grow fingers on the back of your legs? I think if either of these were a consequence of eating too much salt, people would be much more reluctant to load up their food with massive amounts of it.

Scientists, you've got your mission. It's time to save America, one hairy eyelid at a time.

Summer TV Preview

2010-06-16T10:49:00.000-04:00

Personally, I won't be enjoying this summer's new TV, since I'll be off in the Maine wilderness for the next two months. Fear not though -- I'll still be posting sporadically and hopefully getting some help from the disembodied head of Daniel. More on that tomorrow, though.

Really, the summer is when you should be catching up on old shows. Breaking Bad just finished its third season, and I maintain that it's the best show on TV right now. If you have time to watch 30 episodes of something this summer, that's where you should start. If you need more, you could always see what all the fuss was about with LOST or start watching Dexter in preparation for this fall's Season 5. But if you're looking for new TV options this summer now that all the regular shows have ended, here are a few to consider:

Hell's Kitchen: As I detailed in last week's post, Hell's Kitchen has consistently been one of the best summer shows of the best few years. Shows like Top Chef have a mix of likable and unlikable contestants, most of who can really cook. Hell's Kitchen really only has unlikable contestants, and you'd be lucky to find three chefs each season who can cook at a high level -- which makes it that much better when Gordon Ramsay spends roughly three-quarters of each episode profanely berating them. If you enjoy dumb people being yelled at, this show's for you.

Deadliest Catch: Yes, this season of Deadliest Catch has been airing since April, but it's scheduled to run until sometime in July. Basically, you watch from the comfort of your own living room as Alaskan crab fisherman brave rough seas and freezing temperatures, and you feel very happy that you don't do anything like that. If you watch long enough to get to know the characters, the show is even better -- but even if you don't, it's still entertaining television.

Last Comic Standing: The comedians aren't always hilarious -- you're reminded often that yes, this is amateur hour. But each show is going to give you a few gems that are good for some serious laughs. And really, on a sweltering Monday night in the middle of July, a few laughs are always welcome. Personally, my favorite episodes are the audition ones at the beginning of the season -- you know, the ones that are airing right now.

Entourage: Ever wonder what it's like to be a giant douche? Season 7 starts in less than two weeks.

The Tournament: Basically, it's The Bachelor -- with the one gigantic exception that Chad Ochocinco is the bachelor. No explanation can really do it justice. Just like a train wreck, it'll be impossible to turn away from.

Man v. Food: The crown jewel of this summer's TV schedule. Possibly the greatest show in the history of mankind and the impetus for a two-week road trip I took a little while back where a friend and I did eating challenges. Man v. Food sets the bar for all other food shows. If you've never watched it, you're missing out on a television masterpiece. It premieres tonight at 9PM on the Travel Channel.

So there you have it. Turn the AC up and enjoy yourselves. Also, remember to come back tomorrow for a brief State of The Couchwarmers address before I head off to moose country until mid-August.

Guest Post: A Golf Hypothetical

2010-06-15T16:48:00.001-04:00

Today's guest post comes to us from Jamie, a friend of The Couchwarmers. It was sent to me Sunday night, so by the time you read this, he will have already either failed miserably or partially succeeded in his attempt to become the most famous golfer ever in the history of the sport. He also poses an interesting hypothetical at the end, which I know will stir up some lively debate in the comments. Jamie, it's all yours:

Tomorrow at 7AM at the Golf Club of New England I will tee off for my first competitive round of golf since my father dragged me to our local country club to enter a junior event when I was eight years old. Growing up, my parents were avid golfers, but I tended to concentrate on the more “popular” sports (e.g., soccer, basketball, and baseball). My golf exposure was limited to the random times I would play with my Dad, where I would close my eyes, swing as hard as I could, and hope I would make decent contact.

It wasn’t until my late college years that I began to take the game seriously. I practiced almost every day, and even played in tryout rounds as our Division I school had open tryouts. After rounds of 76, 75, 75, 74, and 74 (including a first day 92 that was thrown out), I missed the cut by 6 strokes. I considered myself a pretty good golfer, but knew that I wasn’t in the same league as some of my competitors.

The format tomorrow is pretty simple. Show up, play 18 holes, and hope to make the top 13. If I do that, I get to play a 36-hole qualifier in July for the New Hampshire Amateur Matchplay Championships. The top 64 from that day enter match play, where the winner will be invited to the Regional Amateurs. From there it’s on to Nationals, where the winner gets to play in the Masters, U.S. Open, and a number of other events. Yes, there will be the minor inconvenience of trying to beat the best amateurs in the world along the way. Nevertheless, you have to start somewhere.

There are seven qualifying sites this year in New Hampshire. My site happens to be the most difficult by far. The only Arnold Palmer designed course in New England, playing 7500 yards from the back tees (long even for the PGA tour), and greens that are fast. Very fast.

A guy I play with on a weekly basis just caddied for Ray Bourque’s charity tournament at the course and he suggested that I practice putting “on glass” to get used to how fast the greens will be. Combine length, a tough layout, insanely fast greens, and being the first one on the tee, and tomorrow should be interesting. For those who are interested, I will ask Sam to post my score sometime in the next day or two if you care if I made the cut.

Now, I didn’t want my first guest post to be just a biography of my golf endeavors. Therefore, it's time to incite some debate. A few months ago, in a rather dull biology lab at NYU, I got into an argument with some classmates and our TA about what the hardest sport to play is. I, of course, immediately chose golf. Another friend argued for basketball, another for ice hockey, and my TA suggested tennis. While there was no clear winner in the debate, I posed a hypothetical to them that they really couldn't answer properly. Since The Couchwarmers are full of interesting hypotheticals, here's another one for all you loyal readers.

What is the most difficult thing to do?

Make a free throw in basketball
Hit a hockey puck into the net from the blue line
Return a lob serve in tennis
Hit a wedge on to a green from 50 yards in golf

These four represent what I consider to be the most basic skills a player of the respective sport should be able to do. My hypothetical to my friends was that if you took an average, healthy 25 year old person who has never played any type of sport in their life and asked them to complete all four of the above, which would they have the most difficulty completing?

I open the comments section to discussion. Hitting a wedge on to a green from 50 yards is not easy, and, I think, represents that golf is the most difficult sport to play. Let’s just hope I can find the green tomorrow from 50 yards.

Bear vs. Shark: The Final Verdict

2010-06-15T10:14:00.000-04:00

In a match that was decided by a single vote, the winner is....The Shark!

Shark 51%
Bear 49%

Down goes Bear! Down goes Bear!

And just like the last time, The Couchwarmers are in total agreement with this verdict.

The bear may be the smarter animal -- but really, when it comes down to killing instincts, how much brain do you actually need? The shark knows what it's gotta do, and its advantages in size, speed, and strength are the deciding factors in this one. Additionally, the shark's swimming ability -- basically, its ability to defy gravity -- means that he can really work up some momentum and deliver a crushing full-speed body blow to the bear. The bear just has no way to retaliate.

We're not saying that a bear would never win this fight. We just believe that the shark would win more than 50% of the time -- in our opinion, well over 50% of the time. Probably even over 95% of the time.

Maybe occasionally, a well-placed swipe of the bear's claws could cripple the shark. But for this to happen, the bear would have to get incredibly lucky, especially if the shark came in at full speed. Therefore, in our minds, there's no doubt that in neutral territory, a shark would defeat a bear.

And I was holding off on this until voting closed, but the Discovery Channel has proof that yes, a shark did in fact defeat a bear (environment undetermined).

So that does it for Ridiculous Hypothetical #2. Thanks to all of you who voted. If you have suggestions for future hypotheticals that will inspire similar scholarly debate, we'd be happy to hear them.

USA-England Recap

2010-06-14T16:17:00.003-04:00

Bradley, our resident soccer expert, will be here throughout the World Cup, providing previews and recaps for the U.S. matches. Today, he's back for an analysis of USA's glorious tie over England. And yes, as he won't hesitate to tell you, he was one Michael Bradley goal away from a perfect pre-game prediction. He's like a soccer Nostradamus -- or a miniature Buddha covered in hair. I cede the floor to you, soccer guru:

“If you buy a ticket, sometimes....you win a raffle”.

This fantastic commentating comes from Martin Tyler, who couldn’t have described this terrible goal better. It was a gift from the Gods, in a game that felt like it was already lost. If you had offered me a 1-1 draw before this game started, I would have taken it, no question. In the 4th minute, when Ricardo Clark decided marking Steven Gerrard was not important, I would have sold my left kidney to get a point out of that game. Probably my right too. This was a fantastic result for the U-S-A. The New York Times had it right in their headline: USA WINS 1-1.

A note before I actually get into breaking down the game -- Martin Tyler’s announcing is absolutely identical to his in FIFA 2010. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard him say that same raffle line when playing FIFA at 4 in the morning. If only Andy Gray was there too. Or this guy, even though he isn’t in FIFA.

To quickly address my predictions, I wasn’t too far off. Dempsey did score, and I was only one Michael Bradley goal away from being 100% correct -- which could very well have happened if whoever had the ball wasn’t taken down from behind in the midfield when Bradley made a run that would have given him a breakaway. Woulda, shoulda, coulda. I’m giving myself too much credit here for a play that most people don’t even recall.

Honestly though, my optimism immediately changed when the players were walking out of the tunnel. Ricardo Clark looked like he was about to shit his pants. Maybe he did, and that’s why he was so slow on marking Gerrard on the goal. The only readable expression from the England side was John Terry’s whose clearly said, “Damn, I would totally do Peter Crouch’s girlfriend. Or Wayne Bridge’s. Oh, shit...” I guess they weren’t too nervous. We sure seemed like we were.

The draw was a miracle. Offensively, we were unbelievably sloppy in the midfield. We lost almost every single 50-50 ball off goal kicks and free kicks, especially the second balls. We couldn’t keep possession, and were sloppy with passes, especially when trying to switch fields.

Luckily, our defense played one of its best games as a unit, and Tim Howard was unreal. We did have some trouble with England’s pace, as Aaron Lennon, Glen Johnson, and Shawn Wright-Phillips all tortured us at points. There were multiple points where I couldn’t watch because we were beat on the outside and someone was open in the box. (Editor's note: just like Wayne Bridge's girlfriend...hiii-yo!!!)

Luckily, we had outstanding last-second defending, blocking many crosses and winning headers in the box. Onyewu was awesome in back. Jay Demerit provided one of his best performances for the national team, doing a great job man-marking Wayne Rooney, who didn’t touch the ball until the 17th minute.

Tim Howard was what you would expect and more. His catch on Emile Heskey’s breakaway was such an underrated play -- if he doesn’t hold that, Rooney taps it home. That ball was fired in with some pace. To make it even more stellar, he had already bruised, or possibly broken, some ribs in a collision with Hesky earlier in the game.

Many questions were answered in this game. For one, Robbie Findley is a very capable partner for Jozy Altidore up top. He was one of the few players that did a decent job of keeping possession, and he made some dangerous runs early when we really had no momentum.

Also, Onyewy is clearly back to full health. We worried about his ability to get up for headers because of his weak knee, and his ability to last a whole game due to not playing a full game in months. In a very pleasant surprise, he turned in one of his better games ever, despite a weak, hesitant play on the opening goal. He was strongly considered for man of the match, but it is undeniable that Howard wins that award.

Jozy Altidore’s ankle wasn't an issue at all. He showed great explosiveness all game, especially on his strong run that ended in a shot off the post. But yes, there were also some questions that developed going forward.

First, how will we avoid another slow start? Coach Bob Bradley needs to get his boys ready to go from the first whistle. Will Bob Bradley change the lineup against Slovenia?

It seems that José Francisco Torres is the clear choice over Ricardo Clark in the next game, as he is much better in possession, which will be key. Bradley could also change up the forward situation by giving Edson Buddle a start. This isn’t a bad idea though, as Findley is almost more effective off the bench because his speed is a big change of pace for the defense to deal with.

Lastly, the U.S. defense needs to handle speedy wingers better. If they want to have any chance to make a deep run, they will need to handle this better, especially in a second round matchup with Ghana or Germany.

Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves though.

To put it simply, Team USA still controls its own destiny, thanks to you, Robert Green. That’s all we can ask for. Don’t tread.

Weekend Recap, Now with Vuvuzelas

2010-06-14T10:12:00.002-04:00

BUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZ. BUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. BUUUUZZZZZZZZZZ.

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. For those of you who are upset at having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

BUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. BUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZ.

Remember that? Wasn't that awesome? Let's recap:

So far, the World Cup has produced exciting matches, awful goaltending, and lots of BUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Luckily enough for all of us, tournament officials are thinking of banning the obnoxious vuvuzela horns you've heard if you've tuned into the World Cup for even a few seconds. As someone with an insect allergy, hearing those things scares the shit out of me. I'm making an executive decision here. The vuvuzelas are hereby banned from The Couchwarmers. You're welcome.

On the field, the match that everyone was talking about was the England-U.S. match, which the U.S. ended up winning, 1-1. Or at least that's the message you'd get if you read the papers both here and across the pond. By now, you've seen the goal that Clint Dempsey scored -- if you haven't, then I don't know why you're even reading us. Yes, it was incredibly lucky. But in all, I thought the U.S. played well. Jozy Altidore even almost won it in the second half with a great run that ended with him hitting the post. In my opinion, it was incredibly well-deserved tie. So yes, the goal was a gift -- but the point wasn't. Our resident soccer guru should have something for us later recapping the match.

Also, if you're new at this whole soccer thing, here's a flowchart that should be helpful for you in knowing what you're supposed to do about your team's World Cup success or lack thereof:

Also, some other stuff happened this weekend. There was some basketball. There was some baseball. Vince Young went to a strip club and punched a guy. But none of that matters, because for the next few weeks, soccer's where it's at.

Elsewhere, The New York Times banned the word "tweet." That's right -- common sense is finally taking back the country, one brain cell at a time.

And speaking of common sense, BP is deploying deep sea sensors to the oil spill to better measure the amount of oil that's spilling into the ocean every day. You know, instead of what they've been doing for the past two months -- guessing.

Enjoy your Monday. My summer job starts on Thursday. I'll have more details for you on that later. Daniel's also supposed to come back sometime this week. So you fans of tangential rambling can keep your fingers crossed for that.

Last Call For Bear vs. Shark

2010-06-13T12:20:00.000-04:00

We can all agree that the abomination of God shown on the right might be the world's most perfect killing machine. However, bearsharks only exist in our collective imagination. Therefore, for the past few days, we've had you vote.

Consider this your last call to vote if you haven't yet. Voting closes tonight. This race is close. Extremely close. So every vote counts. Make your bear growl or equally-as-intimidating shark noise heard.

England Preview: The One with Actual Soccer Knowledge

2010-06-12T10:53:00.010-04:00

This guest post comes to us from Bradley, who unlike me, actually knows a lot about soccer. He's here to preview today's World Cup match between England and the U.S. I hope you're ready to get hit with some soccer knowledge:

When the World Cup draws came out, English newspaper headlines read:

Very clever, England. You still refer to us as Yanks, reminding yourselves of a pathetic defeat to your very own colony. You see, it is incredibly enjoyable to make fun of England, as Sam has already so eloquently done. But while tea and Hugh Grant do suck, it is not my job to rip on England, but rather to prove how they will lose from a soccer standpoint. On Saturday, the USA will once again be victorious. Really. Here's why:

Sam’s Army had many questions to answer going into this World Cup, mostly dealing with injuries. Many of the injuries are fully healed, but forward Charlie Davies didn't recover in time. This leaves a few remaining questions:

How do you replace Charlie Davies?

You don’t. While some of the replacements share some of Davies’ attributes, none of them have his smarts and finishing ability combined. This is why the selection of Jozy Altidore’s partner is crucial, because Coach Bob Bradley has to choose between speed in Robbie Findley, finishing ability in Edson Buddle, or the eye for goal that Herculez Gomez seems to have.

It makes the most sense to play Findley because of his speed, but Buddle and Gomez have been hot lately. For this reason, it is likely that you see two of these three play on Sunday. I see Findley starting to give some speed up top, and Herculez making a late appearance.

How will the defense deal with England’s speed and power?

It’s simple: you don’t play Jonathan Spector. He has been God-awful lately, especially against Turkey. He deals with pace terribly, and England has two incredibly fast wingers in Shaun Wright-Phillips and Aaron Lennon. Obviously the other defenders, most notably Demerit and Onyewu, also need to deal with that pace.

People will be running at the defenders all game. If you can control the pace, then you have the pleasure of dealing with Wayne Rooney, and his partner up top. If I were Fabio Capello, I would play Peter Crouch, because I don’t see any way the U.S. can defend him in the air, but hopefully he doesn’t have the same idea. Rooney has to be liking his chances against this defense, but one can pray for a similar outburst of his in 2006 with his red card.

England’s strong attack is actually somewhat of an advantage to the Red, White, and Blue, as they'll be looking to put pressure on all game, but the U.S. makes their living on the counter attack. For any of you that saw the Confederations Cup last year, you saw Landon Donovan’s awesome counterattacking goal against Brazil, who defensively, is much stronger than England.

So if the USA has all of these problems, how do they win?

Simple -- England is a bigger choke artist in the World Cup than Phil Mickelson is at Winged Foot. Worse than Jeremy Roenick in a "not crying contest." They seem to lose in a heartbreaking fashion every year, even though they invented the game. They almost always come out to a slow start in their first game, and then eventually get eliminated by a combination of red cards or penalty kicks. This time, the same recipe is in place.

Gareth Barry, a starting midfielder, is out. Replacement options are great, but Michael Carrick hasn’t been on form this season, and Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard aren’t proven to play well together. That will be the likely pairing though. Captain Rio Ferdinand, starting center back, is out too. Their other center back, John Terry, has decided to spend most of his season doing his teammates’ WAG’s (wives and girlfriends). When he has actually been playing soccer, he's had a very shaky season.

Wayne Rooney has been injured too, and it is unclear if he is actually fully healthy. England is also very weak in goal. Landon Donovan and Clint Dempsey, who both were superstars in the English Premier League this season, have to be thinking about the W. England has many more questions to answer than the U.S., but they have one important thing that will ultimately cause their downfall in this game. They are expected to kick the shit out of us.

If the U.S. loses, they can still advance by taking care of business against Slovenia and Algeria, but that's easier said than done. In any case, England's the one playing with the pressure, since they've choked in the past. If you want to face England in the World Cup, you want to play them early so you can be a beneficiary of their most recent disappointment. The USA has proven they can play with the big boys, as they upset Spain last year, and almost beat Brazil in the Confederations Cup Final.

Key players for the US in this game are the ones you would expect. To have any chance, Donovan, Dempsey, and Tim Howard will need to be on their games. The X-factor, though, is Michael Bradley. Controlling the ball in the midfield will be crucial against England. If the U.S. gets killed in possession, they eventually won't be able to hold England defensively any longer. I expect Bradley to step up, especially on the defensive side of the ball.

My prediction: USA wins 2-1. Dempsey and Bradley get the goals. British tabloids will read:

England: 1
America: 2
Shitting the Bed
Yet Again

Don't tread.

Know Thy Enemy: England

2010-06-11T15:52:00.000-04:00

In advance of each of the USA's World Cup matches, The Couchwarmers are happy to bring you a new series called "Know Thy Enemy." If you want insightful match analysis, you're gonna have to look elsewhere -- that's not what this is about. However, if you're looking for jingoistic taunts aimed at antagonizing the other side, welcome. First up for Uncle Sam, those foppish dandies from across the pond:

The U.S. takes on England tomorrow at 2:30PM, in what has to be the one of the most eagerly anticipated matches in U.S. history. Of course, I'm sure you all remember what happened the last time the U.S. played England:

What about the time before that?

Or the time before that?

That's right. We're undefeated, bitches. The U.S. of motherfucking A. Kicking ass since 1776.

Yes, England, you did invent the game. But all you have to show for it is one World Cup, which you won 44 years ago. That's like the U.S. only having one Olympic gold medal in basketball. But since they started letting pros play (you know, like they do in the World Cup) 18 years ago, there's only been one Olympics where the U.S. hasn't won gold. If the U.S. choked once, then you guys are getting fish and chips stuck in your throat every four years. At that rate, I don't even know what you should call it -- if it's completely expected, is it really a choke?

Wayne Rooney scares me a little bit. But I don't get as scared when I see him as I do when someone from England flashes their pearly whites -- or more appropriately, their pearly crooked and yellows:

Know how I know you're gay? You gave the world Coldplay.

When I was in 6th grade, I was tricked into seeing the Spice Girls movie. It sucked.

Drinking tea is for pussies.

Hugh Grant.

What's that, England? We're just a country that's made up of your cast-offs? If that's true, you sure as hell picked the wrong guys to kick out. Maybe you should have kept the guys who could seriously kick ass and instead sent away the ones who eventually turned you into a bunch of sissies.

So in summary, I say this: thanks for Led Zeppelin and Eddie Izzard. Now take a step back, because Uncle Sam's coming through. You've gotten in our way before, and it hasn't turned out well for you. Learn from your mistakes, England. We don't need to kick your ass again -- just go home and have a scone or something. Know that if you still want to stand in our way though, we're ready for you. It's go time. Don't tread.

The Most Dramatic Conference Realignment Plan You'll Hear

2010-06-11T10:02:00.001-04:00

I don't know about you, but I'm loving this whole NCAA conference realignment thing. This might be the most excited I've been about college sports in a long time, save for a recent NCAA basketball championship. Basically, these schools are deciding on the future face of college sports. In addition, there's the added drama of a few big-name colleges (e.g., Kansas) potentially being left out in the cold by other schools' defections.

The rumors are flying: Big 12 schools are leaving for the Pac-10, Big 10, and/or the SEC; additionally, the SEC might possibly be plundering schools from other conferences as well. Some decisions are supposed to come down today.

People are saying that with these new conferences, the NCAA won't be necessary anymore. These mega-conferences will be free to create their own inter-conference championship games, finally ridding college football of the BCS. There will be much dancing and joyous celebration in the streets. People will light small fires and happily dance around them in circles.

But this begs the question: why even have conferences in the first place? At least for football, let's just blow up the entire system.

If teams are going to be moving around this freely, there really is no conference sanctity to uphold. Conferences were useful decades ago when travel was much more difficult -- it was nice to be able to play teams close to home. But now, why not let the schools make their own choices?

Teams would only schedule schools they wanted to play, so if a team didn't want to take a cross-country trip, they wouldn't have to. Since all the scheduling would be left up to the schools themselves, traditional rivalries would be kept intact -- I think that even without the Big 10 mandating it, Ohio State and Michigan would still want to schedule each other every year.

I know there's the problem of TV money and all that, but if all the colleges got together and opted out of this whole conference thing, I'm pretty sure the networks would find ways to adjust and pay the schools. Plus, this cuts out the middle man of the conferences themselves. Commissioners gotta get paid, you know? Less cash going to the bureaucracy and more going to the schools. I think the university presidents would be happy to let that happen.

At the end of the regular season, a committee would weigh all the teams' accomplishments and decide who makes the playoffs. For football, it wouldn't be unlike what the NCAA basketball tournament does now, except for that there wouldn't be any automatic bids. Every team would be judged on its own merits -- win/loss, strength of schedule, etc. -- by a panel, and the top 8 or ideally the top 16 would have a playoff. It all seems so simple. Blow it all up and start from scratch. You know, just like the ending of Fight Club.

Deep breath.

Alright, we're setting up the weekend and giving you your Friday reward video early this week. Keep checking back though -- later this afternoon, we'll hit you with a USA-England World Cup post that's really just a series of of jingoistic taunts. Then tomorrow, I've been promised a guest post that breaks down the matchup on the field from someone who actually knows what he's talking about.

On tap for the weekend:

Soccer. Lots and lots of soccer. On the east coast, it's on from when you wake up until about 5PM, almost every day for the next two weeks. I'm sure if you're sitting at a desk somewhere, you can pull it up online. But I've gotta tell you -- for the next month, this is gonna make life for the 9.7% pretty sweet.

Blah blah blah NBA blah blah blah Kobe blah blah blah flopping blah blah blah Gaaahnett blah blah blah.

Soccer. Oh, did I already say that? Well I'm saying it again. The World Cup is awesome. If you need advice on who to root for after the U.S., this guide should be able to help you out.

Interleague baseball. You know, for after the soccer's ended.

Here's your Friday reward video. In honor of tomorrow's World Cup match, I thought I'd help you study up on your American History. Remember to check back this afternoon to hear me unabashedly spit some hate at England.

Why Golden Tate Stole the Maple Bars

2010-06-10T20:15:00.001-04:00

Hell, after watching this, I would too. This place looks incredible. Keep an eye out for Golden's maple bars at the 4:59 mark.

If you're telling me that you wouldn't sneak into Top Pot and steal a few of these bad boys, you're absolutely full of shit -- which incidentally, isn't nearly as satisfying as being full of maple bars.

Rest up tonight, loyal readers. Soccer starts in the morning.

Why NCAA Violations Keep Happening

2010-06-10T16:45:00.000-04:00

The big piece of news coming out of the NCAA today (you know, other than that whole "conference shake-up that will change the face of college sports") is that "the University of Southern California has received a two-year bowl ban and a sharp loss of football scholarships in a report on the NCAA's four-year investigation of the school. The NCAA cited USC for a lack of institutional control Thursday in its long-awaited report, which detailed numerous violations primarily involving Heisman Trophy-winning tailback Reggie Bush and men's basketball player O.J. Mayo. The violations, which span almost four years, primarily involved 'agent and amateurism issues for a former football student-athlete and a former men's basketball student-athlete,' the NCAA wrote in its report."

The NCAA also sanctioned USC's women's tennis team for violations. This came as no surprise to anyone though. Like myself, I know many of you have been saying for years that NCAA women's tennis is COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.

But back to the top story -- basically, OJ Mayo and Reggie Bush were receiving money from agents while playing for the Trojans, and USC either knew or "should have known" that it was going on. So for the next two years, USC is basically playing for nothing but pride. This is something that's going to take years, at the very least, for the USC program to recover from. But what about the athletes in question? What happens to them?

Well, Bush's Heisman Trophy might get taken away. I don't think he'll care too much though, what with that shiny new Super Bowl ring he just got a few months ago and his 52-million-dollar NFL contract. And Mayo? I would think that his 30-million-dollar NBA contract will help ease the blow.

Step back for a minute and consider this: let's say someone came up to you and offered you tens of thousands of dollars with the only stipulation being that you couldn't tell anyone about the money for two years. If you did, you'd lose it and have to go up to your room for a big time-out. But if you could make it those two years without letting anyone else know, you'd be in the clear. I think most people would take that deal.

The truth is, once these players leave college, they basically receive amnesty from whatever illegal NCAA activities they engaged in. Just as long as they get out before sanctions come down, they're in the clear. As long as they can be discreet about it while they're in school, there's no reason not to take agents' money. Other than the loss of a bronze statue or two, they're not going to be the ones dealing with the repercussions. At the very most, their image will suffer, and that's it.

This is why I'd like to see the major sports leagues -- namely the NFL and NBA -- come together to institute some sort of punishment for professional athletes who violated rules while in college. It could be either a suspension or a fine, depending on the severity of the violation. And it needs to be more than just paying the money back -- something like $50,000 may be a lot to a student-athlete, but once they sign a contract (see: the numbers above for Bush and Mayo), that becomes chump change.

What it comes down to is that athletes need to be held accountable for their actions, even after they've left school. At the very least, it would make a college athlete think twice if he knew that he could be punished for something like this even after he went pro. But without a punishment like this in place, high-profile student-athletes are bound to keep taking money they know they shouldn't, leaving their schools to clean up the mess.

Woe Is Youse Guys: Stanley Cup Edition

2010-06-10T10:37:00.001-04:00

Fans of all that is right in the world can relax -- the Flyers didn't win the Stanley Cup. Maybe fans in Detroit and other hockey cities in the midwest are upset that Chicago won, but I'd have to think that most of the country is very happy with this result. Especially me. God, I hate the Flyers.

Why? Because they're all thugs. And criminals. And horse rapists. But mostly because they're all thugs. And Dan Carcillo's moustache is disgusting.

On the other side of the coin, props to the Blackhawks on winning their first Stanley Cup since 1961. It really is amazing how the franchise has turned itself around over the past few years. Diehard Blackhawks fans (I know there are many more of you than there were several months ago) definitely deserve this one.

But most importantly, this is yet another example of how you can be a dick and get away with it just as long as you're good at sports. Congrats, Patrick Kane -- you're going to get a whole lot of praise for winning the Stanley Cup. But you still punched a cab driver last year over an argument about spare change. So you're a champion. But a champion who I think is a dick. Still, you're not as bad as Crosby.

For those of you who didn't watch, the ending was very strange -- Kane scored the winning goal in overtime but the puck got wedged inside the goal padding and wound up hidden so the only people who knew he'd scored were the handful of people on the ice who had actually seen the puck go in. Eventually, everyone realized it though and the celebration was on. But that wasn't even the strangest part of the post-game. No, that came during the studio recap when Jeremy Roenick decided to show us his gaping vagina.

As if Jeremy Roenick crying wasn't awkward enough, Mike Milbury went all "creepy uncle who's had too much to drink" on Roenick in an attempt to stop the tears.

C'mon, Jeremy -- there's no crying in hockey. Unless of course you've won five Stanley Cups. Then you can cry as much as you want.

And with that, another season is in the books. Congrats again to Chicago. I laugh at your tears, Philadelphia. We'll see you next year, NHL.

What Should I Make For Dinner?

2010-06-09T16:25:00.000-04:00

I'm serious. I need ideas. Those of you who knew me a few years ago may remember me as the guy who was happy to pop something in the microwave and call it a meal. On nights that I was feeling really adventurous, my George Foreman Grill and a badly-formed burger patty passed as gourmet. But in the past year or two, with all the free time I have, I've decided to learn how to cook.

When you have all the free time in the world, cooking just makes sense. It takes time out of your day. Homemade food is always better than store-bought. But most importantly, you've actually done something on any given day if you've cooked. It's not unlike a toddler dropping a deuce in the toilet and proudly showing his parents what he's done -- it's just that in my case, instead of a steaming pile of shit, it's a steaming pile of food. In a few hours, it's all the same thing anyway.

So what have I cooked? Well, grilled chicken and sausage kabobs, jambalaya, and homemade soft pretzels are three of my proudest accomplishments. And before you mock me for the soft pretzels, just try it for yourself. They are scrumtrilescent -- I promise. Now I know what you're thinking: is this just a post where I get to brag about my cooking and show off pictures of my food? Yep.

Well, mostly. I'm also here to inform my unaware loyal readers of what is perhaps the best resource out there for dinner dilemmas, the appropriately titled What The Fuck Should I Make For Dinner? It's basically a website that randomly generates meal suggestions. If the suggestion looks good to you, click on it and the recipe comes up. If you want to spin the wheel again, click on "I don't fucking like that" and a new suggestion comes up. I'll be honest -- a lot of the suggestions suck. But there are definitely a handful with promise.

Plus, every now and then the generator malfunctions and no suggestion comes up, which leads to something that looks like this:

Well, sure. But after that, I'm probably gonna be even hungrier.

And yes, before you can say it, I'm aware that the "I don't fucking eat meat" option applies here too. But I've been looking at this thing for about half an hour now and nothing stands out. So if you've got a suggestion for something I can cook tonight, let's hear it.

And don't suggest fucking. I've already gotten that one like three times. I don't fucking eat meat.

My New Favorite Athlete

2010-06-09T11:07:00.001-04:00

Fans like athletes they can relate to. Sure, we may idolize those who train ten hours a day and don't eat anything that hasn't been scrutinized by a team of nutritionalists, but we can never fully connect with them. They're not like us. When it comes down to it, there is a certain sense of satisfaction that comes with knowing a celebrity does the same things that you do.

With this background, I present to you my new favorite athlete who doesn't actually play for one of my teams: Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Golden Tate. You see, last weekend, Tate was a little hungry at 3am. So what did he do? Did he order a pizza? Did he head out to an all-nite diner? No, and no. Those both would have been satisfying, lawful options -- yet what Tate did was both satisfying and illegal. Yes, at 3am last weekend, Golden Tate broke into a donut shop.

Of course, the article wouldn't be complete without some quotes from Tate himself:

"Freshly baked. I made the mistake of -- a buddy made the mistake going in grabbing a couple. We ate them."

"They just kind of said 'don't do it again,' which I won't. But if you ever want maple bars, that's the place to go."

You would think the Seahawks organization would be furious, right? Not so much -- although it helps to have a head coach as cool as Pete Carroll, who remarked:

"No, I'm not disappointed at a guy being at a doughnut shop at 3 in the morning when they got maple bars like Top Pot has. However, under the circumstances, I think they were closed or something like that, trying to close, or whatever. That's definitely wrong. We've talked about it, addressed it. He's remorseful and all that. I do understand the lure of the maple bars."

So congratulations, Golden Tate. You may have gotten a talking-to from the cops and from the Seahawks. But in doing so, you've won the hearts and stomachs of fans everywhere. My appetite and I salute you.

Couch Pretzels: Jack Van Impe Presents

2010-06-08T15:52:00.001-04:00

Today's guest post comes to us from Peter (not Little George, but a different Peter). He's even been nice enough to write the introduction for the first in what we hope will be a continuing series. In Couch Pretzels, we'll unearth diamond-in-the-rough TV shows and other forms of entertainment so that you too can enjoy them as much as we do. Peter, the floor is yours:

We all come across shows by accident. Sometimes, you develop an odd fascination with them, often because they are a train wreck, other times because they are just entertaining in a way you can’t explain. You probably shouldn’t waste time with them, but you do anyway. Soon you realized you’ve watched or heard enough to be considered a fan.

In the spirit of The Couchwarmers motto to “catch everything that falls between the cushions,” I present to you the first installment of “Couch Pretzels.” You know the feeling of finding an old pretzel amongst the cushions, don’t you? Sure, it might be from the 1pm football games, and it’s most definitely not a smart idea to eat it, but you do anyway. And more times than not, it’s satisfying in an empty caloric way. Well, these shows are kind of like that.

Jack Van Impe Presents

This is a true diamond-in-the-rough of late night television, Jack Van Impe is not your average televangelist. He is a “prophecy minister,” which means he believes that the stuff in the New Testament -- especially the fire and brimstone details of the Book of Revelations -- will actually come true. So this former accordion player turned evangelist hosts his own news show (live from Troy, Michigan!), in which his plasticized wife Rexella reads the news headlines, and Jack interprets them through the lens of end-of-times prophecy. Yes, they act like this is an actual news show.

The best part is that serial viewers like me have come to know Jack’s favorite go-to signs that the apocalypse is coming. Many of you wouldn’t think twice about innocuous headlines in the USA Today (or even still read the USA Today), but in Jack and Rexella’s world…

Headline: “EU Commissioner Wants US Action on Trade”
Van Impe Interpretation: Anything involving the European Union is newsworthy for this “shadowy” organization represents the “revived Roman Empire.” I assume this is bad because of the whole throwing Christians to the Lions thing.

Headline: “India Gets Fewer Carbon Credits as UN Scrutinizes Project”
Van Impe Interpretation: The United Nations represents not a multilateral assemblage of mostly peaceful nations but the coming of a dangerous “New World Order” (though I am entirely not sure what that means—Jack doesn’t bother with the specifics.)

Headline: “US Makes Concessions to Russia for Iran Sanctions”
Van Impe Interpretation: Anytime Russia ruffles any feathers, it is a sign that the “Great Power of the East” that “leads the war of the latter years and latter days” is afoot. In case you are wondering, Jack’s “doctorate” is not in International Relations.

Not surprisingly, Barack Obama has been a target of late. Jack doubts whether our President is really a Christian since claiming in an interview that there are “many ways to heaven” and for inviting Muslim leaders to the White House for Ramadan (Jack: “Whose side are you on?”).

But Jack and Rexella had me hooked long before they became just another bunch of angry white people on TV yelling at our President. The real entertainment comes from the little things: the production quality one would expect from a Junior High AV Club, the oddly mesmerizing Rexella, who has had enough “nip-tucks” to look good even if the rapture doesn’t come for another hundred years, the bizarre tradition of having the show’s announcer Chuck play the saxophone during Christmas (my brother caught this in one of the truly great WTF? moments in a show that has frankly produced many) and Jack’s ability to spout New Testament verse after verse off the top of his head.

When setting your DVRs, look for it in the wee morning hours if you live near a city; I hear it’s on closer to primetime in hill-country.

Rex Wiltshire Knows Your Mom

2010-06-08T10:54:00.000-04:00

I'm driving back up to New York today, so I'm not gonna have much for you. Although I will leave you with a commercial for a tattoo parlor that's been getting some play here in Richmond recently. Keep an eye out for Rex Wiltshire's opinion on tramp stamps and the double-shrug he gives at the end while making a joke about your mom. These are definitely the kind of guys I want permanently altering the appearance of my body.

Coming this afternoon: a guest post!

Weekend Recap, Now with Glorious Steak Aroma

2010-06-07T15:09:00.002-04:00

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. For those of you who are upset at having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face. You'll have to click it in order to read the small print, but trust me -- it's worth it:

Now, on to the recap:

Chicago is one game away from the Stanley Cup after unleashing a 7-goal beatdown on Philadelphia last night. Chris Pronger is still a douchebag. Go Blackhawks.

After last night's Celtics victory, the NBA Finals are tied up at one game apiece. I'm sure it's a lot of fun to watch, if that's your kind of thing. Personally, my favorite part of the series has been disgraced NBA ref Tim Donaghy's entries on Deadspin breaking down the miserable state of the officiating in the series.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to watch too much of the Spelling Bee this year. But it's always something that never fails to entertain. Fourteen-year-old Anamika Veeramani correctly spelled the word "stromuhr" to win it all. For the record, "stromuhr" gets the little red underline on my auto-spellchecker. Yes, it's a medical term, but middle schoolers knowing this word really doesn't seem to have any redeeming value other than providing me with entertainment for two days every June. But I'm not complaining. Those little nerds are awesome.

A billboard that smells like steak! As you read this, scientists are working on adapting this technology for The Couchwarmers. It will be here and implemented by the end of the month*.
*No it won't

The state of New York has decided to give credit for wrong answers on standardized math tests. According to the article, "scorers joked about giving points to kids who wrote their names, brought a pencil or shared gum." Sounds a lot like an FSU final exam.

Finally, just keep in mind that even though it's Monday, things could be a lot worse. For example, you could be this guy, who will most likely never be able to get a passport without undergoing a Sammy Sosa skin treatment.

Don't forget to vote on Bear vs. Shark. By the time the week is over, the World Cup will be here. Rejoice.

What Happened at the Bachelor Party

2010-06-07T11:28:00.002-04:00

A good weekend all-around. Bachelor party was a lot of fun. Here's what went on:

That's right. You're not getting a word from me. Keep checking back for the weekend recap.

Ridiculous Hypotheticals: Bear vs. Shark

2010-06-06T12:35:00.001-04:00

In case you missed Part I, here's everything you need to know. Basically, we asked you guys if a bear and a shark fought to the death, who would win? We gave you a chance to voice your opinions before we put it to a vote, and the emails were everything we had hoped for. Also, I was bored, so I created my own interpretation of "bear vs. shark in neutral territory," as you'll see in the picture above.

Without further ado, the arguments:

Those who think the shark would win:

The winner is undoubtedly the shark. It comes down to two key factors: speed and agility of striking. At its fastest, the shark is faster than a bear so the shark could realistically swim circles around the bear waiting for the right moment to strike its prey. The ability to attack on your terms is key to winning a one-on-one fight. Secondly, a shark can strike with both ends of its body. A quick bite or head-butt can be followed-up by a whipping tail slap. Not only does the shark have the ability to strike quickly and in multiple ways, but it is more agile in its striking ability. Do you really think a bear's claws or teeth are sharp enough to do much damage to a shark's tough skin? Most likely for a bear to win it will have to catch the shark and hold it down while clawing and biting repeatedly. There is no way any animal without opposable thumbs will be able to grab onto a shark, whereas a shark's jaw can open wide enough and clamp down hard enough to render the bear defenseless. Vive-la-shark!

Both animals are strong, and I don't think either animal will score a KO. Both animals will be injured in the fight. I think the animal that loses is the one that bleeds out first. Since sharks have much thicker skin than bears, the bear will be injured more easily than the shark and will thus bleed out and die first.

Key points here: agility, speed, coordination, and quickness (different in speed because quickness is the fast speed of small movements, whereas speed is the overall speed of your movements). Sharks are more agile in the way that they are able to move. The bites and attacks are key, if the bear is even able to get a shot on the shark which probably won't be to the nose and then a bunch more shots would be needed to kill the shark. The shark is able to get one attacking bite on the bear and then just avoid all other attacks that may come from the bear. Eventually, rather quickly actually, the bear will hemorage and bleed out thus, it dies and the shark remains the winner.

The shark is just so much faster and stronger than the bear. One bite and it's over. There's no way the bear could beat the shark with just one punch or something like that. Easy victory for the shark.

Finally, a submission for the shark that is so thorough that it requires its own post.

Those who think the bear would win:

A shark only has one weapon: its mouth. A bear has four paws with razor sharp nails in addition to a powerful bite. The bear is capable of latching onto the shark, inflicting maximum damage while the shark is left to try and wiggle free and mourn the loss of it's dorsal fin. Bear wins.

The bear will definitely win the fight. The shark can only swim and bite the bear with its teeth. The bear can move out of the way easier because it has joints and is more free to move around. The bear can also bite the shark, but, in addition, can use its claws. With one swipe the shark is dead, and the bear the victor.

I think the debate comes down to two basic variables - bloodthirst and deadliness. The sharks may have a slight edge in bloodthirst (you don't see no sharks munching on berries), but they're kind of a one trick pony when it comes to deadliness. If you're not in the direct path of their jaws, you're pretty much safe (plus, they're not great at cornering). Assuming the bear has clear visibility (I'll admit, I don't know if a bear can look straight up to watch the attack from above), a shark's attacks are relatively straight forward to parry. The bears, on the other hand, may not have as powerful a go-to move, but they have a plus-plus bite with above average mauling and clawing ability. Versatility goes a long way in cage matches. Plus, sharks have no defense techniques. Say what you will about how furry and chewable bears might be, but they can put their little bear arms over their face, throat, or genitals (the big three) to protect from critical blows. Sharks may not have throats or exposed genitalia, per se, but what they do have (eyes that are right pokable) are completely defenseless.

Bears can swim, run at amazing speeds AND climb trees. They are deadly anywhere, and they also have limbs which give them reach. Sharks can be disabled with a conk on the nose. Bears cannot be "fought off," sharks can. Game over, Bears win.

The bear wins easily. The shark has a big mouth and sharp teeth but the bear can avoid the shark bite by simply using his hands or running away. The shark has no defense to attacks anywhere besides his face too. The bear can use a combination of attacks with his claws and mouth to beat the shark. Also, the bear can attack the shark with his legs not just his hands and claws.

So there you have it. The voting's open on the right. Let's settle this once and for all.

Erin's Take on Bear vs. Shark

2010-06-06T12:31:00.002-04:00

This Bear vs. Shark submission comes to us from Erin, a friend of The Couchwarmers. Due to both length and thoroughness of research, we feel that it requires its own post. We strongly encourage you to read on before coming to a final verdict:

First, let's examine the facts. The rules of the hypothetical stated that the bear in question is "the biggest, deadliest bear" and the same goes for the shark - biggest and deadliest. None of that basking shark nonsense. A quick Google Search gives me the following numbers:

Shark: The Great White can get as long as 26.2 feet and weigh as much as 5000 pounds.

Bear: The Polar Bear averages around ten feet, so let's give it an extra two and say 12. Weighs in at 2,500 pounds (heaviest recorded).

To put it in perspective, 26.2 feet is slightly taller than a two-story building. 12 feet is less than half of that. My car -- a 2000 Volvo S70 -- weighs 3210 pounds. More than the bear, less than the shark.

In terms of weaponry, the bear has four slashing appendages and a lot of teeth, plus the ability to walk on its hind legs. The shark simply has a mouthful of teeth. The bear can move forwards, backwards, side to side, and can stand on its hind legs. The shark can move forward and side to side, as well as vertically, as far as the upper limit of the 'neutral territory' they are in. There is a longstanding myth that punching a shark in the nose will drive it away; however, the Mythbusters busted that wide open (although punching a shark in the gills does seem to have some effect.)

Bears have a top speed of around 35mph; Sharks clock in at 25mph. I can't do physics, but the greater mass of the shark suggests that even at 25mph, it can do some some damage -- again, to go back to the car comparison, I'd rather not be run over at 25mph.

If it came to hand-to-hand, as it were, combat, the bear would obviously have the upper hand. The skin of the shark is tough, however, and would probably sustain a fair bit of damage before being fatally injured, but it would be difficult for the shark to get past the claws to attack. It might be able to get one or two blows in, but its slower speed and lack of multiple weapons makes it an unfortunately ineffective fights in close quarters.

In spite of all this, the shark would still appear to have the advantage. Although a shark cannot reverse or stop suddenly, it has the vertical element. A shark can attack from above, using its massive mouthful of teeth to break the spine of the bear before the bear can even get one dig in. The sheer force of a 5,000lb shark dropping down at 25mph would probably be enough to kill the bear by crushing its skill or breaking its neck; the teeth don't even have to come into it. Assuming the neutral environment extended far enough up to allow for this manouver, the shark will win every time.

It's not an exciting fight, but it is a fast one, so you've still got time to hit the pub before last orders.

Just Say No To Ice

2010-06-04T16:49:00.001-04:00

First off, I'd like to thank Carter for designing our new Couchwarmers logo. I think it's perfect. She said it was much better than doing actual work, and for that, we're eternally grateful. Although I'm still trying to figure out what to put in the blank spaces to either side of the logo. Little George suggested we hold a contest asking people to submit designs of things that they want there, but I told him I didn't think we'd get any submissions. If you want to prove me wrong, I'd love to see it.

Also, this is the last call for Bear vs. Shark submissions. The arguments will be posted and voting will open sometime this weekend. If you want to be able to influence the voting masses, go ahead and make your opinion known. Now to the issue at hand:

I've been asked by several people to comment on the recent phenomenon of "Bros Icing Bros." Normally I wouldn't, but seeing as how this weekend marks my first ever bachelor party, I'll call it a a special occasion and say a few words, but only a few.

Basically, "Bros Icing Bros" is an activity where one guy presents another with a Smirnoff Ice, usually in a creative, hidden way. The guy receiving the ice then has to drop to one knee and chug the entire thing. According to the official website, the rules are simple:

You cannot refuse an Ice. If you refuse to drink the Ice you are instantly excommunicated and shunned, and thus can never Ice another bro or be iced.

If you are Iced by a fellow bro, you can Ice block. When presented with an Ice, you pull out an Ice of your own and reverse the Ice on your bro. The ultimate Ice insult.

So....if I refuse to drink a Smirnoff Ice, then I can't ever drink one again? Sign me up. Or unsubscribe me. Do whatever it is that makes it so that I don't have to do this, ever.

I think I said about a hundred words more than I wanted to on this topic. The bachelor party hasn't even started yet and I feel dirty. I'm gonna go take a shower before I head out.

On tap for the weekend:

The horse race that no one gives a shit about. If this is the first time you're hearing that it's this weekend, you're probably not alone.

Men's and women's French Open finals. Nadal's the favorite on the men's side. And on the women's side, since both Williams sisters are out, the favorite is....actually, I have no idea. How about Steffi Graf? Is she still around? No? Well what about Billie Jean King?

NBA Finals. KG and Kobe making their angry faces at each other.

NHL Finals. Chris Pronger is a douchebag. Go Blackhawks.

Thanks for sticking with us through yet another week, loyal readers. In honor of this weekend's upcoming festivities, here's your Friday reward video, featuring Zach Galifianakis, one of the stars of The Hangover. I'll see you guys when I get back.

Why Kendry Shouldn't Have Happened

2010-06-04T13:26:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, Angels first baseman Kendry Morales hit a walk-off grand slam. He happily ran all the way around the bases, threw off his helmet, jumped onto home plate, and promptly broke his leg. He's most likely done for the season.

So now, a big deal is being made over walk-off celebrations. You know, the kind of thing where the person who had a game-winning hit goes flying at full speed into the middle of a group of teammates, who then jump up and down and repeatedly smack the game's hero in the head. I know what you're thinking: there is no way that something like that could end poorly.

So what's the big deal? Teams will adjust their celebrations now, because this is the first time something like this has happened. Well, actually....it isn't. Let's go back to 2004:

Tagg Bozied could hardly wait to get home. Rounding the bases, he saw his Triple-A Portland teammates gathering, waiting to celebrate his game-winning grand slam in the bottom of the ninth. "It was probably the coolest moment I've had on a baseball field," the San Diego Padres' prospect said. Then suddenly, agony. Because as Bozied jumped for joy at the plate, just like the big leaguers do, he felt his left knee give way Monday night. He blacked out before landing and when he came to, there was no doubt: He was done for the year. "It was real scary. I saw my kneecap pushed up into my quadriceps. I thought my career was over," Bozied said Tuesday in a telephone interview from Oregon. "To go from hitting a walkoff home run to being wheeled off the field in an ambulance, it's unbelievable," he said. "Guys were hitting me on the helmet, kicking me, congratulating me, and I was down in the dogpile. Then one of them saw the look in my eyes and realized I wasn't kidding, that it was serious.

Bozied, who had been honored in the pre-game that very night for being the Pacific Coast League batter of the week, had ruptured his patella tendon. Once a promising prospect, his career was never the same after the injury. He's now a 30-year-old playing Double-A ball in the Phillies organization.

So this had happened before, yet for years, players have still felt compelled to Superman their way into their teammates to celebrate. Yes, something like this is a freak injury, but why even risk it? It's unnecessary. The game is over. So where they didn't learn from Bozied's injuries, teams are going to learn from Morales', because Morales is famous and Bozied isn't.

No, I don't think that teams should feel the need to set celebration rules. I just think that players should use common sense and not needlessly risk their bodies over a celebration. Touch home plate, do your ridiculous choreographed high-fives, and then hit the town and get drunk. Simple as that.

We'll be back later on today to set up the weekend. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.

Free Donuts For All

2010-06-04T10:42:00.000-04:00

First off, May's numbers are in, and the unemployment rate has a very familiar feel to it. I like it, and not only because it fell. Something just feels right about being part of the 9.7%. So to you, unemployment rate, I say this: don't change. Don't ever change.

Also, happy National Donut Day! Head on out to a Krispy Kreme or something to celebrate -- they'll be giving away free donuts all day. Just remember I alerted you to this the next time you ask yourself what we've ever done for you. Now that we've taken down our original tagline, I think we may have found a replacement -- The Couchwarmers: Read Us and Get Free Donuts. I like it.

A Night With The Flying Squirrels

2010-06-03T15:55:00.002-04:00

A few days ago, I mentioned that I was taking a long Amtrak ride. For those of you wondering, I’m in Richmond, VA for the week. Yes, the town where I grew up. It’s a wonderful place to live if you enjoy Civil War memorials. If you don’t, then you’re pretty much going to have to make your own fun. I’m here because I have a bachelor party to go to this weekend, but I thought I’d spend a few days back home around the festivities.

Tonight, I’m heading down to The Diamond to see our brand-new minor-league baseball team, the Richmond Flying Squirrels, who are the Double-A affiliate of the San Francisco Giants. Yes, it’ll be fun, but this will also be a major challenge for me.

You see, before I was a Yankees fan, I was a fan of the Richmond Braves, the Triple-A affiliate of the Atlanta Braves. I started going to games with my Dad when I was three years old and immediately fell in love with the team.

The story as it’s been told to me is that after my first ever R-Braves game, my Dad got home and told my Mom that he didn’t think I’d had fun at the game. Evidently, I’d just sat there watching -- when other people cheered, I did nothing. The next day, I came downstairs and got some crayons and paper and started drawing. Before long, I had drawn the whole field correctly -- bases, where fielders were standing, even the on-deck circles. Maybe I hadn’t been cheering at the game, but unbeknownst to my Dad, I’d been taking the whole experience in. One game, and I was hooked.

The Richmond Braves were a great team to follow in the late 80’s and early 90’s. Atlanta’s run of success in the 90’s was mostly the result of a strong farm system. The majority of Atlanta’s players during that time -- names like David Justice, Tom Glavine, and Chipper Jones -- all passed through Richmond on their way to the big leagues. Keep in mind, this was back when all the Atlanta Braves games were on TBS, so even after these players had left Richmond, I could still follow them.

When I was younger, I rooted for both the Braves and the Yankees, the team of my forefathers. In the early 90’s though, when the Yankees were struggling, I was all about the Braves. I still remember going nuts after watching Sid Bream’s huffing-and-puffing 1992 NLCS Game 7-winning run against Pittsburgh.

As I got older though, I stopped going to as many Richmond Braves games. Originally, I had rooted for Atlanta because I felt a connection to the players. Since I no longer knew the new guys coming up, I became much more of a Yankees fan, although I always still rooted for Atlanta to do well. Suffice to say, the pair of Yankees-Braves World Series in the late 90’s made me very happy.

Then, one day in 2008, the news came. The organization was relocating the Richmond Braves to Gwinnett, a suburb of Atlanta. From a business standpoint, it made sense -- having its AAA team closer to Atlanta would allow the Braves to send players up and down with much less hassle.

But from an emotional standpoint, this was devastating. The team that had been my first true sports love, that I’d followed for 20 years, was leaving. The Southerner in me was pissed off, and the Northerner in me had to refrain from making a “Richmond is just good at losing things” joke out of fear for a full-on dissociative identity meltdown.

It didn’t matter that I’d drifted away from the team in the past few years. You never think that a team that you’ve invested so much emotional energy in is ever just going to pack up and leave like that. To me, it was as if the Braves organization had decided to take a giant, messy shit all over my childhood memories.

As a coping mechanism, I turned on the organization and have since rooted hard against Atlanta. Since they took my team away from me, they don’t deserve happiness. Ever. I couldn’t even imagine how I would have handled all of this if it had happened 15 years earlier, during the height of my R-Braves fandom. I may have sworn off baseball altogether.

Which brings me back to tonight. Richmond now has the Flying Squirrels (incidentally, as the result of another town losing their team and relocating here). Sure, it’s nice that minor-league baseball is back in Richmond. But the Flying Squirrels are most definitely not the Braves. There’s no way any team that Richmond has or will ever have will replace them, at least in my mind. Walking into the same ballpark where the R-Braves once played and rooting for players in strange uniforms is going to be tough. Am I ever going to feel even 10% of the attachment to this team as I once did to the Braves? Not a chance.

Nevertheless, I’ll embrace this team. It is my hometown, after all. I’ll even buy a t-shirt or two -- I mean, who wouldn’t love to have some “Flying Squirrels Baseball” gear? As far as minor-league team names go, this one is a winner. Believe me, I’ll be cheering loudly for them tonight. The Richmond Braves may be gone, but I know I have to make the best with what I’ve been given.

Let’s go Squirrels.

The Perfect Game That Wasn't

2010-06-03T10:19:00.001-04:00

Last night, for a split second, Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga had pitched the 21st perfect game in Major League Baseball history. 27 batters up, 27 batters down. Then, with one outstretched arm motion, umpire Jim Joyce wiped it from the record books. Today, there are a lot of angry people, but strangely enough, this might end up being a very good thing for baseball.

No, I'm not here to skewer Joyce. Sure, his blown call was an egregiously bad one, but he's human. He'll make mistakes. He just happened to make a very bad one at one of the worst possible times. As badly as I feel for Galarraga, I feel just as bad for Joyce. This isn't a blown call that people will forget about -- most likely, this will define his career. Although to his credit, Joyce accepted full blame for his mistake, and to his credit, Galarraga, who had every right to be upset, took the high road and graciously accepted Joyce's apology.

While having a conversation with a friend after the game, the question was posed: "What if Major League Baseball went back and awarded Galarraga the perfect game?" It would defintely be an easy thing to do. If Joyce had simply (and correctly) made a fist when Galarraga had stepped on the bag, it would have happened -- there are really no hypothetical what-ifs surrounding the game. It would have been over.

But let's look at it another way: suppose Galarraga had been beaten to the bag and the umpire had called the 27th batter out. Would MLB have gone back and taken away his perfect game? Absolutely not. Part of pitching a perfect game is having everything fall exactly your way. Your defense has to make plays behind you, and as we saw last night, you need to get the calls. Basically, you need a whole lot of luck.

I've never really thought too much before about the implementability of widespread instant replay in baseball. It seemed too far-fetched of an idea, due to all of the so-called purists and their argument against it. But when you break it down, what's so bad about having a system in place that's basically an auto-correct for wrong calls? I hate to break it to the purists, but implementing a system where we make sure that umpires' calls are right isn't going to ruin the integrity of the game.

Some think that implementing replay would slow games down. Consider this, though: when a questionable call is made, the manager will often come out and argue, sometimes for minutes. What good does this do? None at all -- an umpire will never reverse an out/safe ruling or any other opinion call because a manager came out to argue.

But let's say there's replay. A manager challenges a play, the umpires take a minute to look at it, and decide to either reverse it or let it stand. Instead of pointless arguing, the whole thing could be over and decided correctly in a minute. Limit the number of times per game that managers can challenge, and limit it to out/safe and fair/foul calls, which are usually pretty clear-cut on replays. Like in other sports, if the replay is inconclusive, the call on the field stands. I really don't think you'd see a big difference in game times.

Of course, you'll also hear the "that's the way baseball's always been" argument. But as you all realize, there's a good reason for this -- baseball didn't have replay when it was invented because there was no such thing as a television. With the technology that we have at our disposal now, there's no reason why baseball shouldn't evolve. For baseball not to be using replay when it's available borders on ignorant.

So yes, I'm taking a stand here and hopping on the technology bandwagon. Baseball needs to expand instant replay. Because when it comes down to it, which is more important for the game: being traditional, or being right? I think I know how Armando Galarraga and Jim Joyce would answer.

Delaware Is Not One To Get Emotional

2010-06-02T23:30:00.003-04:00

Sure they're upset about the perfect game that wasn't, but you have to think that most of their anger is directed at the fact that they're living in Delaware. That definitely puts things in perspective.

The Clambake

2010-06-02T15:08:00.001-04:00

From a story perspective, there really isn't much of one from this weekend's events. No one fell in the fire. No one got arrested. A good story should have at least rising action and a riveting climax. Me trying to tell the entire story of this past weekend's clambake would come off as a "I had fun and all of you should be jealous" post. That's not what this is for. That's what Facebook photo albums are for. But for those of you who have never been to a clambake, you can look at this as a simple instructional guide if you ever want to put on a clambake of your own. And if you do, invite me. Because clambakes are fucking awesome.

First, a picture of the finished product:

Or more specifically, this is the finished product:

Yes, that's me in a glorious, glorious full-on food coma. And now, some understanding of what went into the making of this picture:

First off, have lawn games. Lawn games are absolutely perfect for an event like this. We got to the clambake at about 1PM. The fire was already going, so we decided to grab some drinks and play some lawn games -- specifically ladderball, cornhole, and polish horseshoes.

An awesome appetizer table is a must. It's gonna be a while before the main course is ready, so give people something to eat while they wait. We were feeling a little hungry after a while, so we meandered over to the appetizer table, feasted on some maple bacon-wrapped scallops and some amazing italian sausage. Not wanting to fill up too much, though, we held back. Difficult, yes -- but it paid off later.

We hung out for a little while longer, and before we knew it, it was time to start cooking the seafood. The fire had been going since long before we'd gotten there, and it had been sitting atop a large pile of rocks, getting the rocks nice and hot. A large portion of the wood was removed, and then piles of seaweed were layered on top. And yes, that is Little George in the sunglasses, wrist-deep in seaweed, embracing the role of clambaker. And here he is drinking a beer on a tractor, also embracing the role, while simultaneously living the American dream.

After the seaweed, the food, which in our case was lobsters and clams, is piled on top, and then the whole thing is covered in a heavy-duty (and I'm guessing fireproof) tarp. Sand is dumped around the edges of the tarp to keep the whole thing insulated. Then....we wait.

After another hour and a half or so, the tarps are removed to reveal the beautiful, beautiful food underneath. And then, you eat. And eat. And eat.

And just so I can have it on the official record, the final count: three lobsters, two servings of steamers, and a healthy swig of melted butter to wash it all down. The picture of me above? Not surprisingly, it was taken about ten seconds after the aforementioned butter drink. Maybe not a wise move, but I was feeling adventurous.

After taking some time off to digest, having a few more activities later on to round out the day is always a good idea. Traditions at this clambake included a giant flipcup game -- yes, even the grandmothers played -- and hanging out around the bonfire after the sun finally set. Finally, after a long day, we headed back home, exhausted, full, and ready to do the whole thing again a year from now.

The next day, we headed home, but not before stopping at a local supermarket and picking up some supplies for the road. There's nothing like blasting "God Bless the U.S.A." with the windows down while feasting on whoopie pies. It's truly the American dream. God bless this country.

Guest Post: Obama and the Oil Spill

2010-06-02T11:26:00.001-04:00

This post comes from Mike, a friend of The Couchwarmers. Thankfully, he's into current events, because I most definitely am not. For me, "current events" means what I'm eating for dinner. Mike's post uses this column as its basis. All opinions expressed are those of the writer, because, well -- let's face it, when it comes to politics, I don't have any. Mike, take it away:

I like Peggy Noonan's writing a lot, and think this is dead on. Okay, I know she writes for the Wall Street Journal, but she's reasonable and thoughtful. Regardless, at some point, the campaign-like Obama worship has got to stop and intelligent moderate views must prevail. There have to be expectations for his presidency besides passing costly, watered down legislation that will need revision down the road. Personally, I love reading both the New York Times and Wall Street Journal to actually know what is going on in the middle and reality. Synergy.

Now, I love the guy personally. I love his daughters. (Michelle is aight.) But he sucks so bad at his job right now, it's not reasonable. It really is getting to near Dubya. It's not the evil, invading, profiteering version, but the incompetent, unsure, do nothing, heckuva-job-brownie one.

His actions over the last 40 days are unacceptable and incomprehensible from the standpoint of the gulf states, the country and environment as a whole, and his own political well-being and continued ambitions.

From a self-interested perspective, he couldn't be doing any worse. He's said before he'd accept being a good one-term president. Well, right now, he's on track to be a really bad one-term president, with a potentially disastrous historical legacy, because if it seems like he's attacked and portrayed unfairly now, wait until he's voted out. The Texas school board will probably create Birther textbooks.

This Has Nothing To Do With Anything

2010-06-01T20:56:00.002-04:00

And now, a little bit of license plate-related entertainment, courtesy of the car in front of me. For the record, I'm incredibly proud of myself for managing to get a picture with my phone while I drove.

Go me.

Your Summer TV Best Bet

2010-06-01T17:55:00.000-04:00

With all of the standard TV shows either having ended for the season already or ending in the next week or two, we're quickly approaching summer TV time. You know, that dreaded time when networks trot out remaining episodes of cancelled programs alongside game shows that are venturing closer and closer to Japanese game show territory.

I'll try to put a full summer show primer up sometime in the next week or so, but right now, all you really need to know about is what has consistently been the best summer show over the past few years. Yes, Hell's Kitchen premieres at 8PM tonight on Fox. You're right if you think it's a stupid show -- it is. But that's what you get when you hold a cooking contest between people who can't really cook. Although if you enjoy dumb people getting verbally abused by an angry British man, this is right up your alley. Give it a try.

I'm on a train for seven hours tomorrow, or maybe ten hours if Amtrak gives me what I've come to expect from them. For this reason, we're giving you guys a guest post tomorrow morning. Plus, if I get around to it tonight, I'll have the clambake recap all ready to go tomorrow. If not, you're just gonna have to live with it.

Weekend Recap, Now with the Bizarro Invention Bracket

2010-06-01T12:02:00.000-04:00

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. I hope all of you had a great Memorial Day weekend. In honor of this special Tuesday Weekend Recap, for those of you who are upset about having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

I'm gonna have to start changing that last part soon, though. In honor of summer vacation, school won't be in that last sentence for much longer. Those of you earning a steady paycheck, on the other hand -- that just sucks for you. Well, you know what I mean. Let's recap:

First off, the clambake was everything I had hoped for and more. Full write-up will be posted sometime later this week once my lobster detox is complete. Also, thanks to those of you who have already sent in bear vs. shark arguments. If you haven't yet, you've still got a few days before voting goes up.

Lot of stuff happened this weekend. Let's gloss over the stuff no one really cares about. Someone who wasn't a chick won the Indy 500. Lakers and Celtics, again. French open tennis.

And now, the important stuff -- like another perfect game, this time by Roy Halladay. At this rate, we're on pace for about seven perfect games this season. Still, Phillies fans are freaking out, since the Phillies suddenly can't buy a run and have dropped out of first place.

The Stanley Cup Finals aren't bringing much solace to the City of Brotherly Love either. Two one-goal games, two Blackhawks victories. Let the panicking begin. Wait, what? How can you be calm in a time like this? This is when fans from Philly would historically begin their emotional nosedive. What the hell's going on here? Don't tell me that one little measly 3-0 comeback a few weeks ago means that you guys are now eternal believers. For the good of nature, we need a Chicago sweep here -- it'll be like a city-wide memory wipe. Let's hit that reset button.

Duke Lacrosse won their first national title in an overtime thriller. A lot of people talked about how this was the redemption for a team that had its entire season cancelled four years ago due to rape accusations. I would have thought that redemption would have come, you know, when the North Carolina district attorney announced that the accusations were completely false and the result of a crazy woman. But yet, some people are still holding a team accountable for a made-up story. Whatever. Screw them. Congrats, Duke.

A few weeks ago, we had our Invention Bracket, in order to determine the best invention ever. Well, now Time has come out with a list of the 50 worst inventions ever. It's pretty hard to argue with any of their choices.

And of course, it wouldn't be Tuesday without a hefty dose of coprophilia. Requirement satisfied.

Finally, if you're looking for something to do after you've sent in your bear vs. shark email, you can always check out the fake BP Twitter feed. Enjoy your Tuesday.

Ridiculous Hypotheticals: Bear vs. Shark

2010-05-29T18:33:00.015-04:00

After a mildly successful Ridiculous Hypothetical #1, The Couchwarmers are happy to bring you the second installment in what we hope will become a recurring series here. This one goes back to a scholarly debate that would come up somewhat frequently while I was at school. After graduation, I brought this question to some friends at my job. Several new rounds of heated deliberation followed.

While we all had our opinions though, this question has never been decided scientifically (you know, by website voting). Therefore, I think it's about time we settled this one once and for all. Today's question:

If a bear fought a shark in neutral territory, who would win?

The explanations and ground rules:

The bear is the biggest, strongest, deadliest type of bear. The shark is the biggest, strongest, deadliest type of shark.

The fight takes place in an environment where the shark can swim just as freely as if he was in water, and the bear can walk and move his limbs just as freely as if he was on land. Both can breathe in this environment.

The fight is over when one of them dies. The one still living is declared the winner.

Bears may not use guns. Sharks may not use laser beams.

Once again, this is where you come in. Take a side here and email us with the best argument you've got as to who would win this fight and why. Basically, this is your chance to convince the other side that you're right and they're wrong. We'll take the best arguments from each side, post them, and then let you guys vote to determine the winner.

Also, if you have any questions/clarifications about this hypothetical that you think would help you and others better answer the question, just post them in the comments. We'll respond when we see them.

We know you guys won't disappoint on this one, so thanks in advance for taking time out of your weekend to help us out. Have a great Memorial Day.

From Pork Chops to Clambakes

2010-05-28T16:48:00.002-04:00

This weekend, I head up to a friend's house in New Hampshire for a legit New England clambake -- you know, the one where they cook up lobsters, steamers, etc. with the seaweed and everything. It sounds absolutely perfect, except for the profuse case of the seafood sweats I'm sure to get by the time I'm on my second lobster. Whatever. It's gonna be awesome. Yet another experience to cross off my list. When I wake up from my food coma, I'll have a full recap for you.

Now occupying the top spot on my bucket list of eating experiences: a pig pickin'. If you or anyone you know is having one, drop me a line. I spent the first twenty-one years of my life in the south and I still haven't crossed it off my list. That's just embarrassing.

But whether you're spending this glorious Memorial Day weekend at a clambake, a pig pickin', or whatever they do out west, I hope it's a great one. Yes, my friends, this is the official unofficial start of summer. And that makes The Couchwarmers very, very happy.

It's also a three-day weekend, which for those of you who earn a paycheck, is nice. For us, it just means that we're not weekend recapping until Tuesday. Regardless of your employment situation though, it's always a good thing when Monday gets swallowed up by the weekend. For one glorious weekday, everyone is part of the 9.9%.

Since I'll be away and Daniel is still on his self-imposed exile, don't expect too much from us over this long weekend. Although notice I didn't say not to expect nothing at all from us -- this is because Ridiculous Hypothetical #2 is all set to go. It'll probably go up late Saturday sometime. This is one you can have some fun with too. I'm really hoping for some good responses here.

Also, don't forget the golden opportunity you've been given to have a guest post here on The Couchwarmers. Unfortunately, the first submission we got wasn't so much a column as it was an email from one of my friends basically trying to get me to use the blog as a way to find a summer sublet in NYC. But since he was the first to submit something, I'm willing to mention it. So if you have an apartment you're looking to sublet for the summer, I know someone who needs one.

On tap for the long weekend:

The Indy 500. The majority of the cars will be driving well and aiming for the victory, but four of the cars will be cutting across several lanes without signaling and possibly backing into large, stationary objects.

The NCAA lacrosse semifinals are on Saturday. Notre Dame takes on Cornell and Duke plays UVA. The winners play in the finals on Monday. For a sport that doesn't really get a lot of publicity unless someone is accused of rape or murder, it's actually pretty exciting, and something I make sure to always check out if I can over Memorial Day weekend.

The Stanley Cup Finals begin on Saturday night, and if there's a God, the Flyers won't win.

Actually, if there's a God, he's probably focusing all of his attention on the NBA Eastern Conference Finals. First, the Bruins blow a 3-0 series lead to the Flyers. Now the Celtics, who were once up 3-0, have lost the last two to the Magic, closing the gap to 3-2. Two more Orlando wins and the city of Boston may never recover. Please please please please please please please.....

Thanks for sticking with us through yet another week, loyal readers. Here's your Friday reward video. Have a safe and happy holiday weekend.

An Interview with the Pork Chop Guy

2010-05-28T11:28:00.001-04:00

Evidently the pork chop wasn't the only thing he stole last night -- yes, a FOX Sports microphone was also on the list, as you'll see in this video. First, Pork Chop Guy interviews Bizarro Jon Gosselin, who manages to bring strip clubs into the conversation. Then, watch as PCG polishes off the last bites of his stolen pork chop. Finally, after being told that he was going to be a YouTube sensation, PCG's final words: "I'm gonna sell t-shirts."

Would I buy a Pork Chop Guy t-shirt? Maybe. Would I try to get one sent to Kim Jones? Absolutely.

Thanks for reading The Couchwarmers, your news source for everything Pork Chop Guy-related.

My Final LOST Post

2010-05-28T10:58:00.002-04:00

After re-watching the entire finale yesterday, it's time for a final post on the matter. This basically is just one gigantic spoiler though, so I'm putting it after the jump to save those of you who are still holding out. You're welcome.

First of all, for those of you who still think the entire thing was a vision that flashed before Jack's eyes right after the Oceanic crash, because that's when he and everyone else died -- you're wrong. Just consider this:

According to Jack's Dad, of those people in the church at the end, "some died before you; others long after you." If Christian is to be believed (and I don't know why he'd lie about this), then they didn't all die in the crash.

In the final scene, after Jack closes his eyes, they show the wreckage of the airplane. Other than the wreckage, there are two things you'll notice: footprints on the beach, and the blue tarp that was set up at the beach camp, flapping in the wind. If they all died in the original crash, neither of those are there.

Sure, you may say that that's all part of his dream too, but then you're opening up a whole new can of worms. At the very heart of it -- no, it didn't actually happen. None of it is real. It's a TV show. But if you wanted to, you could go through every scripted drama and make the case that it's a dream of some sort. Maybe Jack Bauer works in a convenience store and the entirety of 24 is just a hero scenario that plays out in his head because his real life sucks. Maybe Dexter isn't an actual murderer, but he's fucked up in the head and dreams about killing people all day long. In essence, all these shows are all dreams -- ones that the writers have, and ones that we suspend belief to accept as real.

So as it was a main theme of LOST, it all comes down to faith. Faith that what the writers gave us every reason to accept is real actually happened. For this reason, I'm a believer, because the idea that the whole thing was a dream makes for a much worse ending than the one that I'm choosing to believe.

And as much as I hate the Red Sox, the scene that helps my position the most here is the one in Season 3 where Jack gets shown the video of them winning the World Series to prove that the outside world is still happening. If Jack dies in the Oceanic crash, he never sees that video -- it would happen after his supposed death.

On the other hand, maybe it is a dream after all, and the Red Sox never won the World Series. In fact, if we can agree that the 2004 baseball season was all just a dream, I think I'd be okay with changing my stance here.

And that's all I have to say about that. We'll set up the weekend sometime this afternoon. Keep hitting refresh.

Attack of the Hungry Rando

2010-05-27T21:25:00.006-04:00

Kim Jones of the YES Network was talking about all the wonderful new food options at Target Field, such as the always delicious pork chop on a stick, when all of a sudden, a Yankees fan crept up behind her and OM NOM NOM NOM. Michael Kay sounds repulsed, but in my opinion, he's just jealous that someone else got to Kim Jones' porkchop before he did. Here's the video:

UPDATE: Major League Baseball made me take it down! I'm important! Hooray!!!

A Call for Guest Writers

2010-05-27T17:53:00.003-04:00

Recently, some of you have asked me, "Sam, how can I get a guest post on The Couchwarmers?"

Well, ask no more. I'm making an executive decision here. As long as you have an idea that's funny and/or interesting, you're in. Just as CNN has its iReports, which is basically a way for them to get other people to do the work that CNN is supposed to be doing, I have you guys.

I know you have ideas. I've heard them. I've even probably stolen a few of them. But if you guys want your say, I'm opening up the floor. Now, a brief FAQ:

Q: What should my post be about?
A: Anything. I don't care. Like I said before, it just needs to be interesting, informative and/or funny. I don't want to hear that you don't like traffic. No one does.

Q: So, no restrictions?
A: Well, mostly not. Just try to keep your post no worse than R-rated. Remember, not everyone knows what a Samoan Piledriver is.

Q: How long should my post be?
A: Again, it doesn't really matter. Type until you've said what you want to say.

Q: Let's say I have two ideas. Can I submit them both?
A: Absolutely. Less work for me. I love it. But for now, just start with one and if it turns out well, then go for number two.

Q: How do I submit my guest post?
A: You know the email. If in your post you want to link to something, just make a note of it -- for example, "I've never been able to dunk. In fact, I probably have worse ups than this guy (link to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTQoNHXGCAc)." Simple enough.

Q: Can I submit a post anonymously?
A: Sure. If I'm going to use something that you've submitted, you can choose to either go with your real name, or if you want, some sort of nickname that will hide your identity.

Q: Anything else?
A: All entries may be edited for grammar, spelling, clarity, and references to bodily fluids outside of the "big three."

Q: Will I receive anything if I get a guest post?
A: Yes. You will receive one share of Couchwarmers stock* for each entry that gets posted.
*Does not exist

Q: Is Daniel ever coming back? I miss his cluttered prose.
A: He says he'll be back after he takes the LSAT on June 7. So....maybe.

Sean Avery's Tuesday Night Hat Trick

2010-05-27T10:43:00.006-04:00

Sean may not be playing hockey again until October, but it's good to know he's still finding ways to keep himself in shape. Yes, clicking on that link brings you to this picture of three girls in bathrobes. Or possibly two girls and one dude in bathrobes.

It's also important that Sean led off his tweet with the smiley face -- that's how he lets us know that it went well. Without that, I'd be stuck here worrying that Sean Avery had a night of bad four-way sex. Thank God for that smiley.

Or maybe Sean was going for the after-dark version of the Gordie Howe hat trick: Pleasuring one of them, assisting another in pleasuring herself, and punching the third in the face. That would definitely explain the one in the middle.

The Wisdom of a New York Super Bowl

2010-05-26T16:53:00.000-04:00

New York/New Jersey was awarded the 2014 Super Bowl yesterday. Background: it's cold in the northeast in February and people are upset.

Here's the thing, though: Football is an outdoor game. The fact that The Super Bowl has been played in a sterilized environment for the last couple of decades doesn't make sense. Sure, the people watching won't be as comfortable in below-freezing weather, but I have a feeling that if you're going to be in the stands at the Super Bowl in the first place, you won't mind that your toes are a little cold. Maybe this is even a good thing: corporate types, like mosquitoes, are killed off by cold weather. Maybe the crowds at The NY/NJ Super Bowl will be less corporate and more full of die-hards. I say that's good for the game.

A lot of people don't want the biggest game of the season to be potentially decided by the weather. But what about the Conference Championships? They determine who makes the Super Bowl. Should we just move the entire playoffs indoors? Conference Championship games have been played in less-than-perfect weather, and for the most part, haven't suffered -- the Giants-Packers NFC Championship game from 2008 was played in sub-zero temperatures, which really only added to the legend of this instant classic.

Weather has always been a part of football. If the league doesn't want this, maybe it should just mandate that football be played indoors. There's no reason that some teams should have the advantage of being able to play a Super Bowl in their hometown and others not. Even though no team has yet played a Super Bowl in their home stadium, it's only a matter of time. Even if the crowd there wouldn't be a normal home crowd, there's a certain advantage a team gets from playing in familiar surroundings.

That's the unfair advantage here, not the weather. So until Roger Goodell makes a rule banning Super Bowls from happening unless it's at least 60 degrees outside, I'd like to see all the cities get a chance at this thing. Yes, even Philadelphia.

As for the weather, I think a Super Bowl in the snow would be awesome. If nothing else, it would be memorable. I want a fucking blizzard.

Deadspin's stance on this issue is similar to mine. It's definitely worth a read. But it's not as worthwhile a read as:

The one about the guy who was arrested for groping a woman in a Captain America costume with a burrito down his pants.

The one about the things you can find at Wal-Mart in China.

The one about the phone number that has been issued three times, and whose owners have all died. The first guy was a prominent businessman who may have been poisoned by a rival. The second guy was a mafia boss. The third guy was a drug kingpin. Maybe they should just stop assigning the number to people who are probably being shot at and poisoned on a daily basis. Next time, just give it to an orthodontist. If he dies, then maybe we've got something here.

That's all I've got for you today. Thanks to those of you who sent in cover song ideas. If you've got any more, keep 'em coming. My playlist is getting stronger by the minute.

This Summer's Best Movie

2010-05-26T10:19:00.013-04:00

No doubt many of you are looking forward to the all the movies coming out this summer. From Inception to The A-Team to another stupid Twilight film, the only thing you won't have at theaters this summer is a lack of options. Well, I'm here to help you avoid the high-budget bombs and God-awful Nicolas Cage films in order to steer you towards the best movie you'll see all summer.

In case you don't know him yet, I'd like to introduce you to Jack Rebney. Consider these videos NSFW-WH (not safe for work without headphones):

These outtakes from a 1988 Winnebago commercial have become somewhat of an internet sensation over the past few years -- so much so that last year, several filmmakers set out to find the man behind the commercials himself.

Their search and subsequent re-discovery of Jack Rebney was made into an 87-minute documentary which has already won critical acclaim and is set to open in New York on July 9th. It's been described as being equal parts hilarious and touching and has already played to rave reviews at SXSW last year. Here's the trailer:

So this summer, skip all the high-budget crap that's just gonna be the same old stuff they put out every year and if you can, go see Winnebago Man. As Jack Rebney himself would tell you, "FUCK! SHIT!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

The One Where You Show Off Your Music Knowledge

2010-05-25T16:25:00.000-04:00

Alright, it's time to put this thing to work for me again. In preparation for this weekend's mini-road trip (more details to come in the upcoming days), I'm putting together a few playlists for the drive. One of them is entirely of covers, but unfortunately, I only have about ten songs so far. Anyone out there got any suggestions for good covers that I probably haven't found yet?

To get you started, after the jump, two covers that are already on the playlist. In addition, you'll get to hear Morgan Freeman doing spoken word Barenaked Ladies. If that doesn't get you to click "Read more," I really don't know what will.

Fine, it's a Morgan Freeman impersonator, but you have to admit, he does a pretty damn good job. Remember to post your song suggestions in the comments. I swear, every time I see that someone's posted something, I get a little aroused. So....thanks.

Fun with Facebook

2010-05-25T10:24:00.003-04:00

Recently, there have been a lot of concerns over the privacy, or lack thereof, of people's personal information on Facebook. People are worried that information they post on Facebook, even though they mean it to be private, will be shared with the world. To this I say: well....yeah. I'm not posting anything I don't want to get out there. In fact, the majority of the time, I'm just using it to post Couchwarmers updates.

I avoided signing up for Facebook for over a year after other people at my school started joining for just this reason. In all fairness, I was kind of kidding at the time when I said, "They're just gonna use this to track all of us. I'm staying off the grid." Now, I guess there's much more truth to that than I originally believed. But if random people are reading my shameless plugs, I could really give a crap.

Which brings me to the point of this post. No, I'm not here to give warnings about sharing personal info or talk about how evil Facebook is. I'm here to show you how you can benefit from other people not knowing how to set their privacy controls. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: OpenBook.

Yes, a way to see the status updates of complete strangers. Want to see who's recently talked about a vaginal rash? Just search for it. Want more ideas for good searches? Here you go! Remember though, with great power comes great responsibilty. Unless of course, they haven't set their privacy controls. Then it's all fair game. Go nuts.

Weekend Recap, Now with Irony (But Not Really)

2010-05-24T14:42:00.000-04:00

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. For those of you upset about having to start another week of work/school, and with a nod to Danica Patrick, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

Yes, Danica Patrick was booed yesterday after Indy 500 qualifying when she blamed her team for her shitty driving. I believe I've already made my joke here.

Oh look, the Celtics are up 3-0 in their series. In case you don't remember what happened just one week ago, the last time that this happened to a Boston team, it didn't turn out so well for them. Personally, I was just thrilled to hear a "the last time a team came back from a 3-0 deficit" stat on SportsCenter and not have to hear them mention Yankees-Red Sox.

Something about The Supreme Court and the NFL. Deadspin did a whole "what this means" thing, but I really don't feel like reading the whole post. Can anyone out there summarize this in like three sentences or less?

One final LOST tidbit: On the DVD of the final season, due out last this summer, the producers reveal some of the answers to the unanswered questions, including The Man in Black's name, which has been leaked already.

The 24 series finale is tonight. For a show that's provided eight seasons of constant entertainment, some of it awesome (the first few seasons), some of it ridiculously outlandish (well....that would be all of it, I guess), it's definitely gotten eclipsed by all of the LOST stuff. But for the second night in a row, you get to witness the end of an era. It's a two-hour show tonight, so I'll put Jack Bauer's kill count over/under at 17.5.

And now, some flow chart-related education: Irony. I do not think that word means what you think it means.

And finally, in food news, I'm considering postponing my sandwich experiment just long enough to make a "Swanson." But as soon as that's over, it's right back to the sandwich thing. Or maybe I'll have another Swanson. If anyone cares to join me, you know where to find me. Happy Monday.

Digesting LOST

2010-05-24T08:15:00.009-04:00

The weekend recap's gonna come later today. I'm still digesting and attempting to pass the LOST finale. It was definitely a lot to handle. Right now, my Facebook news feed has varying opinions on it -- everything from that it "fucking sucked" to that it was the "best finale I've ever seen." For the record, I fall closer to the "best finale" side of the spectrum, although I'm not willing to go that far. I thought it was good. Nothing incredibly groundbreaking, but after some thought, I've realized that it left me satisfied. They definitely could have done worse.

Sure, not every single question was answered, but you can at least use a reasonable theory to explain all of the big ones, and that works for me. With all the garbage near the middle of the show, the writers kind of wrote themselves into a corner. Yeah, they probably had to walk all over a few of their words to get out, but they tread carefully and were able to leave most of their previous work undisturbed.

And yes, I've also heard several theories as to what actually happened and what everything actually meant. So as not to post any spoilers on the front page, I'm putting them after the jump. Also, more Evangeline Lilly:

So when it ended, after Little George and I had sat and stared at the TV for the requisite five minutes, we tried to break it down. If you haven't watched the show, don't know how it ends, and ever plan on watching it, stop reading right now. If you want our analysis, here's what we got:

The original timeline is what actually happened. It makes sense, especially with the notion that you can't go back in time and change something once it's already happened. So yes, there actually is an island with incredibly strange properties and a glowing light that can all be explained by just saying "electromagnetism" to anyone who asks. After Oceanic 815 crashed, there was a group of people that survived and lived on the island. Some left and then came back. The island wasn't purgatory.

The second timeline never happened, at least not in the "actually happened on planet earth" sense. The second timeline takes place after everyone has died and consists of only dead people, and people who never actually existed in the first place, like Jack's son. Some people died on the show, and some people died long after the show ended.

When Hurley and Ben were talking outside the church ("You were a great #1....You were a great #2...), we saw that after Jack died, Hurley and Ben spent time as the protectors of the island. Eventually, as will happen to everyone, they died. So did the people who left the island on the repaired Ajira plane. Once everyone was dead, they were all placed in this separate timeline so that they could go chill and get freaky with each other in the afterlife. Maybe my orgy theory wasn't so far off. I just never thought that the they-all-die-and-there's-an-orgy parlay would have ever paid out.

When they all met up at the church at the end, some people -- Michael, Ana-Lucia, Ben -- weren't there. They were the ones who weren't moving on to bigger and better places, because they were evil. To start with, they were all murderers -- Michael killed Ana-Lucia and Libby, Ana-Lucia killed Shannon, and Ben killed Locke and the entire Dharma Initiative. The scene with Ben and Hurley talking is Ben coming to grips with the fact that deep down, he's done some horrible, horrible things. He may have ended up on the right side of the fight, but in the end, the fact is that he, at one point, basically committed genocide. That's not gonna fly with the big man.

So those are the basics that we got out of it. If anyone has any different interpretations, go ahead and post them. Like I said before, the finale answered most of the questions I had, although, if this explanation is the one I'm subscribing to, I still don't really get why Hurley/Ben needed to protect the island after the smoke monster had been killed. Maybe one of you gets this. Or has an even better explanation for how to interpret the ending. But until then...I'll see you in another post, brotha.

LOST Finale Odds

2010-05-22T17:08:00.003-04:00

Sunday night is the 2½-hour LOST finale. I think this calls for an Evangeline Lilly picture and some odds for how the show will end. First, the picture:

Good stuff. Now, the odds:

1:1 -- They kill the smoke monster

2:1 -- The separate timelines converge

9:2 -- Everyone dies

8:1 -- Everyone who died comes back to life

11:1 -- It was all a dream/hallucination

17:1 -- The smoke monster wins and the world ends

50:1 -- Orgy

52:1 -- Gangbang

700:1 -- Orgy/gangbang involving the smoke monster

Or as I've taken to calling it, "smokkake." I'm considering putting a dollar on it, you know....just in case. Happy watching.

UPDATE: I've just been informed that I forgot to include a "none of the above" option. Completely valid point. I'd probably set the odds for "The Field" at 1:5. But once again, if neither side dies and it's not resolved through group sex of some sort, there are gonna be a lot of disappointed viewers. And yes, as reader "JO" points out, "a lot of disappointed viewers is probably par for the course." Again, completely valid point.

A Call for Amateur Psychoanalysts

2010-05-21T15:53:00.001-04:00

I've been having this recurring dream recently, and I have no idea what to make of it. You see, back when I was a student, I was still lazy like I am now, but I never went into a test unprepared. I hated that helpless feeling of going into an exam, looking through it, and realizing that I was screwed, so I made sure that it never happened.

Well recently, probably three or four times in the past two weeks, I've had a dream where I'm in a classroom taking a test. I open up to the first question and have no idea how to answer it. I think maybe that it's just bad luck, so I move on to the second. Same thing. I quickly look through the entire exam and realize that I can't even begin to answer a single question. I wake up all pissed off that I've failed this test, and then the realization hits me -- I don't do anything anymore. I'm unemployed. I don't have tests. I lie down and go back to sleep.

I understand that this is a perfectly normal dream to have before a big test or before finals week or something, but I haven't taken an exam in over three years. Therefore, I'm asking all of the amateur analysts and therapists out there to help me dissect this one. Is it telling me that I'm bored and I need to get back and start doing something? Is it reaffirming my decision not to do anything? Help me out here, loyal readers.

I also had a dream a few nights ago that there was a tennis ball-sized hole in my foot, but I don't think that has any relevance.

On tap for the weekend:

Interleague play begins with the Subway Series and a bunch of other matchups that won't get nearly as much press. Mets fans will be looking for something, anything to kick-start their disappointing season. Yankees fans will be looking to bring this up whenever possible.

Bayern Munich and Inter Milan play in the UEFA Champions League Final on Saturday at 2:30PM, Eastern Time. If you're frantically searching all of the ESPN channels and can't find it, don't freak out. It's on FOX.

More hockey. More basketball. It'll all end soon, I promise.

Sunday night is the 2½-hour LOST finale. We'll be back tomorrow to play some oddsmakers as to how the show might end.

Thanks for sticking with us through yet another week. Here's your Friday reward video. For those of you with a special occassion coming up, we've found the perfect gift for you. Happy anniversary, honey. Here's a fart blanket.

A Cash Cab PSA

2010-05-21T10:48:00.005-04:00

Like most of you who have ever been to New York City, there's only one thing I can think of as I'm walking the streets, and no, it's not Empire State of Mind on repeat. I of course, am looking at all of the van cabs and trying to see if they're the Cash Cab. I would say not to pretend that you don't do it too, but I think most people are pretty forthcoming about it. If you've seen the show once, you really never look at a van cab the same way again.

I'm also sure that most of you have heard varying things about how much of a surprise Cash Cab actually is to the contestants -- I've heard everything from "it's all a surprise" to "you're pre-screened and they tell you exactly where to go to get picked up." Alright, let's get to the bottom of this.

Well, that was much easier than I expected. Chalk one up for this guy, with a sweet set-up from Google. The answers are all here. Some highlights, taken directly from the article. Consider all of this quoted:

Some contestants are indeed random, and are picked up off the streets of New York. Not all of these contestants make it on the show, even if they play a complete game, however. Keeping in mind that the goal of any television program is to entertain, there are bound to be some contestants that just don't deliver.

Other contestants are indeed screened and/or recruited. There have been reports of a variety of different methods for this process – some people have said that they were approached on the street and asked if they'd be interested in appearing on a game show. Others have attended auditions and played mock trivia games.

The key thing to understand though is that none of these contestants, pre-screened or otherwise, know that they are about to play Cash Cab. Those who have auditioned or been recruited are told that they have made the cut, and that a taxi is coming to pick them up and take them to the filming location. Of course, when that cab arrives, it's the Cash Cab.

The money that the contestants get as they exit the cab, which is meant to represent their winnings, isn't real cash at all. Lots of game shows do this. The contestants get fake cash, but are sent a real check after their episode airs.

Yes, Virginia....there is a Cash Cab. The dream lives on. I hope this news makes your morning as pleasant as it's made mine.

As always, we'll be back later this afternoon with your weekend primer and Friday reward video. It's a beautiful day outside. Try not to work too hard.