The Team That's in Last Place Twice

Well, it's official. The Boston Red Sox have eaten the Baltimore Orioles. And grown to twice their original size. And despite this, they still suck. Twice.

Over the next few days, expect some stuff to go up from my California trip. Or maybe not. It's something I'm seriously considering at this point, but I make no promises. It all depends whether I spend from now until Thursday, when I leave for Maine, watching TV in front of my computer, or watching TV in a half-passed out state on the couch. Decisions, decisions.

Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery's WASPy Love-Child

But that's not the best part. The best part is that from 2000-2005, this guy taught at my school. He was a history teacher and a lacrosse coach. Then he got fired. So what did he do to get canned? 

John Tortorella Does Not Like Cell Phones

My second day back on the "job" and I get this? Thanks, Torts. You're awesome.

I'd also like to see DJ Steve Porter remix this press conference. He could just add it to the end of the one he's already got. And maybe add an L to that TV content rating.

Act III, Scene I

Last night, I made a promise.

I promised a small handful of people I know that if the New York Rangers, a team that has disappointed me since I was a young, but not so small, child could advance to the NHL Conference Finals, I would once again begin posting on the Couchwarmers. Little did they know that this was an empty promise. You see, win or lose, I was planning on a Couchwarmers one-month reunion tour. But now that the Rangers have advanced to the Eastern Conference Finals, at least I'm significantly happier than I would have been otherwise. Plus, now I come off as being trustworthy. All of you are sheep.

Last week, I finished my final semester of grad school classroom work. In about a month from now, I head up to Maine for my summer counselor job. Between now and then, I head to California on a ten-day road trip. If there was ever a time to fire this thing back up, it's now. So to reward all of you still-loyal readers, the Couchwarmers is back for a one-month run. Or maybe are back. Is this thing still plural? Whatever. We're back. Rejoice. Go riot in the streets.

How To Gloat After Winning Your Fantasy League

After what seems like an eternity playing fantasy football, I finally won a league this year. The following is an email I sent to the rest of the league shortly after the championship game concluded. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, feel free to use this basic template to rub your victory in the faces of the rest of the league. Basically, it's like a taunting Mad Lib. Fill in the blanks where necessary:

(Number of years in the league) seasons, countless hours spent provoking (Owner #1) via email, and several emotionally-conflicting (quarterback who you own but plays for a rival team) touchdown passes later and all I have to say is this: it's about fucking time.

Turducken

For the past few years, one of my friends and I have tried, every year around New Years, to out-do our previous gluttonous experiences. Last year, we re-created the taco from the "Taco Town" SNL commercial all the way up until they wrap it in a crepe. Fine dining it was not, but delicious it most certainly was. For several years though, we'd wanted to get a turducken, but for some reason, we hadn't worked up the courage to actually get one.

So this year, after throwing the idea around for what seemed like forever, I actually ordered a Turducken. I don't know what finally convinced me to, but I wasn't going to let another food opportunity like this pass me by. I did my research online and decided to order from cajungrocer.com. They seemed to get good reviews, and better yet, they were having a sale. I couldn't pass this opportunity up. It was like fate had magically intervened. I ordered it.

The ESPN Year-End Montage

I've taken some slack recently about the lack of posts on here. Some of you have come to me claiming that The Couchwarmers is dead. Well, I'll respond justly -- we're not dead. We're just taking a really heavy nap. It's what we do best here at The Couchwarmers. If you don't like it, The Huffington Post is right down the road. You know, in that gated neighborhood.

Also, Merry Christmas, everyone. And look -- Santa is dropping a hockey puck. Or in other words, this is what happens when you Google image search "christmas sports".

Sure, I'm Jewish, but I look forward to several things every year about Christmas. Like the ESPN year-in-review montage they always do. Personally, I think the best they've done is the 1999 "Images of the Century" set to Aerosmith's "Dream On." But it's kind of an unfair fight, since that one got to work with 100 years of clips while most of the montages only get 365 days worth of material.

Still, I've always wondered what happens if something monumental happens in the sports world between Christmas and New Years. I caught this year's montage at the end of SportsCenter last night, and I thought it was pretty good. But what happens if something truly amazing happens during the last week of 2010? They can't go back and change it. A good 2010 montage would be ruined by the omission of the play in the Jets-Bears game tomorrow where a blitzing Brian Urlacher actually kills Mark Sanchez and then has his way with the corpse. A clip like that would need to be in the year-end montage -- tastefully done, of course.

Here's hoping that something big happens over the next seven days. You know, maybe without the necrophilia. Or with it. Whatever. I just want to see how they handle it.