The Team That's in Last Place Twice

Well, it's official. The Boston Red Sox have eaten the Baltimore Orioles. And grown to twice their original size. And despite this, they still suck. Twice.

Over the next few days, expect some stuff to go up from my California trip. Or maybe not. It's something I'm seriously considering at this point, but I make no promises. It all depends whether I spend from now until Thursday, when I leave for Maine, watching TV in front of my computer, or watching TV in a half-passed out state on the couch. Decisions, decisions.

Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery's WASPy Love-Child

But that's not the best part. The best part is that from 2000-2005, this guy taught at my school. He was a history teacher and a lacrosse coach. Then he got fired. So what did he do to get canned? 

John Tortorella Does Not Like Cell Phones

My second day back on the "job" and I get this? Thanks, Torts. You're awesome.

I'd also like to see DJ Steve Porter remix this press conference. He could just add it to the end of the one he's already got. And maybe add an L to that TV content rating.

Act III, Scene I

Last night, I made a promise.

I promised a small handful of people I know that if the New York Rangers, a team that has disappointed me since I was a young, but not so small, child could advance to the NHL Conference Finals, I would once again begin posting on the Couchwarmers. Little did they know that this was an empty promise. You see, win or lose, I was planning on a Couchwarmers one-month reunion tour. But now that the Rangers have advanced to the Eastern Conference Finals, at least I'm significantly happier than I would have been otherwise. Plus, now I come off as being trustworthy. All of you are sheep.

Last week, I finished my final semester of grad school classroom work. In about a month from now, I head up to Maine for my summer counselor job. Between now and then, I head to California on a ten-day road trip. If there was ever a time to fire this thing back up, it's now. So to reward all of you still-loyal readers, the Couchwarmers is back for a one-month run. Or maybe are back. Is this thing still plural? Whatever. We're back. Rejoice. Go riot in the streets.

How To Gloat After Winning Your Fantasy League

After what seems like an eternity playing fantasy football, I finally won a league this year. The following is an email I sent to the rest of the league shortly after the championship game concluded. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, feel free to use this basic template to rub your victory in the faces of the rest of the league. Basically, it's like a taunting Mad Lib. Fill in the blanks where necessary:

(Number of years in the league) seasons, countless hours spent provoking (Owner #1) via email, and several emotionally-conflicting (quarterback who you own but plays for a rival team) touchdown passes later and all I have to say is this: it's about fucking time.

Turducken

For the past few years, one of my friends and I have tried, every year around New Years, to out-do our previous gluttonous experiences. Last year, we re-created the taco from the "Taco Town" SNL commercial all the way up until they wrap it in a crepe. Fine dining it was not, but delicious it most certainly was. For several years though, we'd wanted to get a turducken, but for some reason, we hadn't worked up the courage to actually get one.

So this year, after throwing the idea around for what seemed like forever, I actually ordered a Turducken. I don't know what finally convinced me to, but I wasn't going to let another food opportunity like this pass me by. I did my research online and decided to order from cajungrocer.com. They seemed to get good reviews, and better yet, they were having a sale. I couldn't pass this opportunity up. It was like fate had magically intervened. I ordered it.

The ESPN Year-End Montage

I've taken some slack recently about the lack of posts on here. Some of you have come to me claiming that The Couchwarmers is dead. Well, I'll respond justly -- we're not dead. We're just taking a really heavy nap. It's what we do best here at The Couchwarmers. If you don't like it, The Huffington Post is right down the road. You know, in that gated neighborhood.

Also, Merry Christmas, everyone. And look -- Santa is dropping a hockey puck. Or in other words, this is what happens when you Google image search "christmas sports".

Sure, I'm Jewish, but I look forward to several things every year about Christmas. Like the ESPN year-in-review montage they always do. Personally, I think the best they've done is the 1999 "Images of the Century" set to Aerosmith's "Dream On." But it's kind of an unfair fight, since that one got to work with 100 years of clips while most of the montages only get 365 days worth of material.

Still, I've always wondered what happens if something monumental happens in the sports world between Christmas and New Years. I caught this year's montage at the end of SportsCenter last night, and I thought it was pretty good. But what happens if something truly amazing happens during the last week of 2010? They can't go back and change it. A good 2010 montage would be ruined by the omission of the play in the Jets-Bears game tomorrow where a blitzing Brian Urlacher actually kills Mark Sanchez and then has his way with the corpse. A clip like that would need to be in the year-end montage -- tastefully done, of course.

Here's hoping that something big happens over the next seven days. You know, maybe without the necrophilia. Or with it. Whatever. I just want to see how they handle it.

Watch as the Metrodome Roof Collapses

From the videos-you-need-to-see department: This morning, they had cameras rolling inside of the Metrodome as snow caused the roof to cave in. The part with the big thing of snow getting dumped on the field at about 0:17 looks completely CGI, but it's most definitely not.



For what it's worth, I think they should have played the game today anyway. It's not like the pile of snow would have been any tougher to get past than the Giants' defensive line.

The Hanukkah Snuggie Commercial

While watching TV this morning, I saw this ad:

It seems as though the people over at Snuggie are still pushing hard for you to give the gift of sleeved blanket for Hanukkah this year. But Hanukkah's over. Wednesday was the last night. I believe the commercial put it best: "Oy!"

So buy the Snuggie. It's the perfect gift for Hanukkah 2011 -- or 5772, depending on who you're asking.

It's Goddamn Snack Time!

Take solace, Jets fans. After the 45-3 whooping delivered to the Jets by the Patriots a few nights ago, you can now get your revenge in video game form. I give you: Goddamn Snack Time. If you're playing it at work or at school, just make sure the volume's off. If you're playing it in the comfort of your own home, crank it up. The Rex-isms make it that much more enjoyable. Much like The Couchwarmers, it's good for killing a few minutes at work. And when it all comes down to it, isn't that why you're here?

Also, I didn't realize this until the third time I played, but you actually have to eat Tom Brady -- simply jumping to avoid the footballs won't do the trick. Just so you're aware.

Name That Stolen Tune

So I was in my car the other day, and heard a song on the independent radio station here that I didn't recognize, but that I liked. I kept listening until the end of the song to hear who it was, and much to my dismay, the DJ announced that it was a song off The Decemberists' new album.

I have no specific reason for disliking the Decemberists. In fact, I don't ever think I've ever really listened to them. If I gave them a chance, I might even like them. But it seems as though any time non-mainstream bands are being talked about, there's that one guy who inevitably brings up the Decemberists. I'm not like the rest of you. I'm my own person, dammit.

But then it occurred to me why I liked this song so much -- it's a rip-off of a song I already like. Take a listen. And for those of you who were born after 1989 or so, the answer's after the jump.

A Very TurBacon Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful that I haven't given you a single post I promised to in the past week and you're still reading this. Your loyalty warms my heart. Unfortunately though, your loyalty will not unclog my heart if I was ever to enjoy a glorious TurBacon. But that's a risk I think I may have to take.



This may be the second most impressive Turducken variation I've ever heard about. The first? From the Wikipedia page itself:

In his 1807 Almanach des Gourmands, gastronomist Grimod de La Reynière presents his rôti sans pareil ("roast without equal"): a bustard stuffed with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a guinea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an ortolan bunting and a garden warbler. The final bird is very small but large enough to hold just an olive; it also suggests that, unlike modern multi-bird roasts, there was no stuffing or other packing placed in between the birds. It appears to be illegal to make today as some of the species are endangered.

That's all the proof I need that knowledge of wrongdoing can make something that much more delicious. Enjoy your feasts. If you need me, look for the one stuck to the couch, oozing turkey and pie.

Creed Shreds

Funny, he doesn't look it.

The wedding was lovely. Congrats again to the happy couple. If you didn't see already on Twitter, I forgot the collar stays for my shirt, but improvised using pieces of an In-N-Out straw. I'm the homeless man's Martha Stewart. Prison joke.

I haven't decided which of the three aforepromised things you're going to get from me later on this week, but seeing as how I'm off to class in a little bit, you're not getting anything today. Except for this video, which I promise will more than make up for me not talking about food or Canada until later this week.

Shouldn't "Baylor" Be Plural?

Upcoming story or brand-new fetish porn video? You decide. And if you decide on the latter, be ready to define "Baylor" and "UConn" in your answer.

Fuck Kansas

That's right. Fuck it. I don't know what I ever did to piss it off, but it sure has it out for me.

I woke up this morning at 7AM to get to the airport, so I didn't get much sleep last night. By the time I drifted off, we were somewhere over the middle of the country. I slept for roughly half an hour until I was shaken awake by some pretty good turbulence. I took a look at the flight map on the screen in front of me and lo and behold, we'd just passed from Missouri into Kansas.

It wasn't all bad though. At one point during the turbulence, the plane did that thing where it dropped suddenly and an Asian lady sitting a few rows behind me let out a shriek. I giggled. Was it worth the turbulence? Sure. But I was still mad at Kansas for waking me up.

Housekeeping

No, I'm not actually cleaning my house. I would never do that. But as I sit here watching hockey and contemplating whether the most pathetic 5-on-3 I've ever seen belongs to the Rangers or those overweight divorcees I saw in that eight-way gangbang, I realized that I hadn't said hi in more than a week.

Also, when I typed "hockey gangbang" into Google image search, that Bert and Ernie pic is what they gave me on Page 1. Or would have given me on Page 1 if Google Image Search still had pages.

Reaction to the Moss Waiving

Yes, I'm back. It's been a while. I guess Randy Moss was just what I needed to get me inspired to write...cause if anyone can inspire, it's Randy, right?

Two points about Moss getting cut. The first is about how we found out and the second is about where he'll end up.

Everyone who still poo-poos Twitter and thinks it's just a platform for narcissistic people to tell their friends what they're doing should take a moment to observe what happened yesterday:

Leftover Candy

Is there some candy that just reminds you of Halloween? For example, Baby Ruth bars. During the year, I never eat them, and I really don't know anyone else who does either. If I want a candy bar with the ingredients that a Baby Ruth has, I'll buy a Snickers. But just because Baby Ruth comes in the variety pack with the Butterfinger and the 100 Grand, I'm stuck with it. And of course after the trick-or-treaters have taken most of the candy, all that's left are the Baby Ruths and the Crunch Bars, which I invariably end up eating myself.

I'm not complaining, though. Candy is candy. Unless it's Raisinettes. Then it's just fucking disgusting.

Anyway, I've got a big research paper to write, so I don't have much for you today, but for those of you who need cheering up on this Monday (I'm looking at you, Jets fans), I leave you with this video. Happy November.

The SportsCenter LeBron Lovefest

As someone who enjoys SportsCenter's daily Top Ten, I particularly dislike the NBA for what it does to the top plays. Unfortunately for me and everyone else who's not a Heat fan, the Top Ten from October all the way until May/June is dominated by one person -- and most of the time he's on there for plays that are good, yet unspectacular. I can't be the only one annoyed by Lebron James' takeover of the Top Ten, can I?

So this year I'm trying something different. When I can, I'm going to track LeBron's Top Ten overexposure. Using a 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 scoring system, where he gets 10 points for being top play #1, and 1 point for being #10, we're going to track this. Let's start with last night:

Using Your Head

"If I get a chance to knock somebody out, I'm going to knock them out and take what they give me. They give me a helmet, I'm going to use it." --Dolphins Linebacker Channing Crowder

I'm sure that many of you who read this article probably laughed at Crowder's comments and brushed him off as being as idiot. And yes, Channing Crowder is an idiot. But unintentionally, Crowder makes a great point.