Thursday, December 30, 2010

How To Gloat After Winning Your Fantasy League

After what seems like an eternity playing fantasy football, I finally won a league this year. The following is an email I sent to the rest of the league shortly after the championship game concluded. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, feel free to use this basic template to rub your victory in the faces of the rest of the league. Basically, it's like a taunting Mad Lib. Fill in the blanks where necessary:

(Number of years in the league) seasons, countless hours spent provoking (Owner #1) via email, and several emotionally-conflicting (quarterback who you own but plays for a rival team) touchdown passes later and all I have to say is this: it's about fucking time.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


For the past few years, one of my friends and I have tried, every year around New Years, to out-do our previous gluttonous experiences. Last year, we re-created the taco from the "Taco Town" SNL commercial all the way up until they wrap it in a crepe. Fine dining it was not, but delicious it most certainly was. For several years though, we'd wanted to get a turducken, but for some reason, we hadn't worked up the courage to actually get one.

So this year, after throwing the idea around for what seemed like forever, I actually ordered a Turducken. I don't know what finally convinced me to, but I wasn't going to let another food opportunity like this pass me by. I did my research online and decided to order from They seemed to get good reviews, and better yet, they were having a sale. I couldn't pass this opportunity up. It was like fate had magically intervened. I ordered it.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

The ESPN Year-End Montage

I've taken some slack recently about the lack of posts on here. Some of you have come to me claiming that The Couchwarmers is dead. Well, I'll respond justly -- we're not dead. We're just taking a really heavy nap. It's what we do best here at The Couchwarmers. If you don't like it, The Huffington Post is right down the road. You know, in that gated neighborhood.

Also, Merry Christmas, everyone. And look -- Santa is dropping a hockey puck. Or in other words, this is what happens when you Google image search "christmas sports".

Sure, I'm Jewish, but I look forward to several things every year about Christmas. Like the ESPN year-in-review montage they always do. Personally, I think the best they've done is the 1999 "Images of the Century" set to Aerosmith's "Dream On." But it's kind of an unfair fight, since that one got to work with 100 years of clips while most of the montages only get 365 days worth of material.

Still, I've always wondered what happens if something monumental happens in the sports world between Christmas and New Years. I caught this year's montage at the end of SportsCenter last night, and I thought it was pretty good. But what happens if something truly amazing happens during the last week of 2010? They can't go back and change it. A good 2010 montage would be ruined by the omission of the play in the Jets-Bears game tomorrow where a blitzing Brian Urlacher actually kills Mark Sanchez and then has his way with the corpse. A clip like that would need to be in the year-end montage -- tastefully done, of course.

Here's hoping that something big happens over the next seven days. You know, maybe without the necrophilia. Or with it. Whatever. I just want to see how they handle it.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Watch as the Metrodome Roof Collapses

From the videos-you-need-to-see department: This morning, they had cameras rolling inside of the Metrodome as snow caused the roof to cave in. The part with the big thing of snow getting dumped on the field at about 0:17 looks completely CGI, but it's most definitely not.

For what it's worth, I think they should have played the game today anyway. It's not like the pile of snow would have been any tougher to get past than the Giants' defensive line.

Friday, December 10, 2010

The Hanukkah Snuggie Commercial

While watching TV this morning, I saw this ad:

It seems as though the people over at Snuggie are still pushing hard for you to give the gift of sleeved blanket for Hanukkah this year. But Hanukkah's over. Wednesday was the last night. I believe the commercial put it best: "Oy!"

So buy the Snuggie. It's the perfect gift for Hanukkah 2011 -- or 5772, depending on who you're asking.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It's Goddamn Snack Time!

Take solace, Jets fans. After the 45-3 whooping delivered to the Jets by the Patriots a few nights ago, you can now get your revenge in video game form. I give you: Goddamn Snack Time. If you're playing it at work or at school, just make sure the volume's off. If you're playing it in the comfort of your own home, crank it up. The Rex-isms make it that much more enjoyable. Much like The Couchwarmers, it's good for killing a few minutes at work. And when it all comes down to it, isn't that why you're here?

Also, I didn't realize this until the third time I played, but you actually have to eat Tom Brady -- simply jumping to avoid the footballs won't do the trick. Just so you're aware.