Turducken

For the past few years, one of my friends and I have tried, every year around New Years, to out-do our previous gluttonous experiences. Last year, we re-created the taco from the "Taco Town" SNL commercial all the way up until they wrap it in a crepe. Fine dining it was not, but delicious it most certainly was. For several years though, we'd wanted to get a turducken, but for some reason, we hadn't worked up the courage to actually get one.

So this year, after throwing the idea around for what seemed like forever, I actually ordered a Turducken. I don't know what finally convinced me to, but I wasn't going to let another food opportunity like this pass me by. I did my research online and decided to order from cajungrocer.com. They seemed to get good reviews, and better yet, they were having a sale. I couldn't pass this opportunity up. It was like fate had magically intervened. I ordered it.

It's Goddamn Snack Time!

Take solace, Jets fans. After the 45-3 whooping delivered to the Jets by the Patriots a few nights ago, you can now get your revenge in video game form. I give you: Goddamn Snack Time. If you're playing it at work or at school, just make sure the volume's off. If you're playing it in the comfort of your own home, crank it up. The Rex-isms make it that much more enjoyable. Much like The Couchwarmers, it's good for killing a few minutes at work. And when it all comes down to it, isn't that why you're here?

Also, I didn't realize this until the third time I played, but you actually have to eat Tom Brady -- simply jumping to avoid the footballs won't do the trick. Just so you're aware.

A Very TurBacon Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful that I haven't given you a single post I promised to in the past week and you're still reading this. Your loyalty warms my heart. Unfortunately though, your loyalty will not unclog my heart if I was ever to enjoy a glorious TurBacon. But that's a risk I think I may have to take.



This may be the second most impressive Turducken variation I've ever heard about. The first? From the Wikipedia page itself:

In his 1807 Almanach des Gourmands, gastronomist Grimod de La Reynière presents his rôti sans pareil ("roast without equal"): a bustard stuffed with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a guinea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an ortolan bunting and a garden warbler. The final bird is very small but large enough to hold just an olive; it also suggests that, unlike modern multi-bird roasts, there was no stuffing or other packing placed in between the birds. It appears to be illegal to make today as some of the species are endangered.

That's all the proof I need that knowledge of wrongdoing can make something that much more delicious. Enjoy your feasts. If you need me, look for the one stuck to the couch, oozing turkey and pie.

Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza

Shalom! And welcome to The Couchwarmers 1st annual Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza!

I'll keep updating this liveblog all the way through tomorrow at the bottom of this post, so just keep refreshing. Mmmm....sweet, sweet pageviews.

Basically, I'm hoping that doing this will take my mind off of food for at least a little while tomorrow. If nothing else, you'll get to see me spiral down into a state of semi-incoherence as I go an entire day without anything to eat or drink. And now the moment you've been waiting for. Let's get this thing started:

The One Where I Judge a Barbeque Contest

I'm gonna jump ahead in the textbook and bring you the recap of my weekend as a barbeque judge before my Rogers Centre review. Usually when I want to remember things on day/road trips, I take pictures of them. Later on, I look through all my pictures and remember what I wanted to say. Unfortunately, at these barbeque competitions, only certified photographers and such are allowed to take pictures. So I'll be doing this while the weekend is somewhat fresh in my mind. As a quick refresher, this is how I became a certified barbeque judge.

Before I begin, I'll offer this piece of advice now, as well as at the end of the post: If you love barbeque, become a certified judge. If you read on, you'll understand why.

Labor Day Road Trip, Part II

In case you missed it, here's Part I of my road trip recap. Now, on to Part II:

Why Golden Tate Stole the Maple Bars

Hell, after watching this, I would too. This place looks incredible. Keep an eye out for Golden's maple bars at the 4:59 mark.

What Should I Make For Dinner?

I'm serious. I need ideas. Those of you who knew me a few years ago may remember me as the guy who was happy to pop something in the microwave and call it a meal. On nights that I was feeling really adventurous, my George Foreman Grill and a badly-formed burger patty passed as gourmet. But in the past year or two, with all the free time I have, I've decided to learn how to cook.

When you have all the free time in the world, cooking just makes sense. It takes time out of your day. Homemade food is always better than store-bought. But most importantly, you've actually done something on any given day if you've cooked. It's not unlike a toddler dropping a deuce in the toilet and proudly showing his parents what he's done -- it's just that in my case, instead of a steaming pile of shit, it's a steaming pile of food. In a few hours, it's all the same thing anyway.

My New Favorite Athlete

Fans like athletes they can relate to. Sure, we may idolize those who train ten hours a day and don't eat anything that hasn't been scrutinized by a team of nutritionalists, but we can never fully connect with them. They're not like us. When it comes down to it, there is a certain sense of satisfaction that comes with knowing a celebrity does the same things that you do.

With this background, I present to you my new favorite athlete who doesn't actually play for one of my teams: Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Golden Tate. You see, last weekend, Tate was a little hungry at 3am. So what did he do? Did he order a pizza? Did he head out to an all-nite diner? No, and no. Those both would have been satisfying, lawful options -- yet what Tate did was both satisfying and illegal. Yes, at 3am last weekend, Golden Tate broke into a donut shop.

Free Donuts For All

First off, May's numbers are in, and the unemployment rate has a very familiar feel to it. I like it, and not only because it fell. Something just feels right about being part of the 9.7%. So to you, unemployment rate, I say this: don't change. Don't ever change.

Also, happy National Donut Day! Head on out to a Krispy Kreme or something to celebrate -- they'll be giving away free donuts all day. Just remember I alerted you to this the next time you ask yourself what we've ever done for you. Now that we've taken down our original tagline, I think we may have found a replacement -- The Couchwarmers: Read Us and Get Free Donuts. I like it.

The Clambake

From a story perspective, there really isn't much of one from this weekend's events. No one fell in the fire. No one got arrested. A good story should have at least rising action and a riveting climax. Me trying to tell the entire story of this past weekend's clambake would come off as a "I had fun and all of you should be jealous" post. That's not what this is for. That's what Facebook photo albums are for. But for those of you who have never been to a clambake, you can look at this as a simple instructional guide if you ever want to put on a clambake of your own. And if you do, invite me. Because clambakes are fucking awesome.

First, a picture of the finished product:

Or more specifically, this is the finished product:

Your Summer TV Best Bet

With all of the standard TV shows either having ended for the season already or ending in the next week or two, we're quickly approaching summer TV time. You know, that dreaded time when networks trot out remaining episodes of cancelled programs alongside game shows that are venturing closer and closer to Japanese game show territory.

I'll try to put a full summer show primer up sometime in the next week or so, but right now, all you really need to know about is what has consistently been the best summer show over the past few years. Yes, Hell's Kitchen premieres at 8PM tonight on Fox. You're right if you think it's a stupid show -- it is. But that's what you get when you hold a cooking contest between people who can't really cook. Although if you enjoy dumb people getting verbally abused by an angry British man, this is right up your alley. Give it a try.

I'm on a train for seven hours tomorrow, or maybe ten hours if Amtrak gives me what I've come to expect from them. For this reason, we're giving you guys a guest post tomorrow morning. Plus, if I get around to it tonight, I'll have the clambake recap all ready to go tomorrow. If not, you're just gonna have to live with it.

From Pork Chops to Clambakes

This weekend, I head up to a friend's house in New Hampshire for a legit New England clambake -- you know, the one where they cook up lobsters, steamers, etc. with the seaweed and everything. It sounds absolutely perfect, except for the profuse case of the seafood sweats I'm sure to get by the time I'm on my second lobster. Whatever. It's gonna be awesome. Yet another experience to cross off my list. When I wake up from my food coma, I'll have a full recap for you.

Now occupying the top spot on my bucket list of eating experiences: a pig pickin'. If you or anyone you know is having one, drop me a line. I spent the first twenty-one years of my life in the south and I still haven't crossed it off my list. That's just embarrassing.

But whether you're spending this glorious Memorial Day weekend at a clambake, a pig pickin', or whatever they do out west, I hope it's a great one. Yes, my friends, this is the official unofficial start of summer. And that makes The Couchwarmers very, very happy.

Your Daily Dose of Drunken Crazy

Yes, the New York Rangers may not have even made the playoffs, but rest assured, they're still making headlines. Last week, Sean Avery (who you probably know even if you're not a hockey fan) and Aaron Voros (who you probably don't) got into an altercation with Lindsay Lohan at a NYC club. Evidently Lindsay wanted the hockey players' table gone and threw a drink in Voros' girlfriend's face because Lohan claimed Voros was her ex-boyfriend.

And then the best part: Voros denied even knowing her. We all think of her as an absolute disaster, but I'm sure Lindsey Lohan considers herself a star. Aaron Voros, pictured on the right getting his face punched in, is arguably the least talented player on the Rangers. The one thing he does a lot of is get in fights. And when he gets in fights, the one thing he does a lot of, is lose. If a guy like that basically tells you to fuck off, you can pretty much assume your career is over. Maybe you should've chosen Sean Avery as your fake ex. At least he's enough of an asshole to make it believable.

Switching stations, a friend of mine is working at Alinea, the restaurant of chef Grant Achatz, this summer. He's also writing about the whole experience for the San Francisco Chronicle. If you're someone who loves food, here's your chance to see the inner workings of a kitchen at a world-class restaurant. As for me, I'm just hoping that this plug will get some free food sent my way.

And now, I'm off to The Stadium to see the two best teams in baseball. Go Yankees.

The Perfect Sandwich

A few nights ago, I was watching Best Food Ever on TLC, where they counted down the top ten sandwiches in the U.S. As an added bonus, it's narrated by John Goodman, so if you've ever wanted to hear Walter Sobchak talk about sandwiches for a good 40 minutes, you're in luck. This got me thinking, though -- specifically about creating the greatest sandwich sandwich ever. So here's a new life goal of mine: I want to create the perfect sandwich, and I want you guys to help.

Now the problem with a lot of the sandwiches on the show was that they were made with top-shelf ingredients like kobe beef and truffles. When I want a sandwich, I want something that I can get for under $10. If I want kobe beef, I'll (get a high-priced job first and then) go to a steakhouse. Another problem was that some of these sandwiches were two-foot-high monstrosities. When it gets to to the point that you can't pick it all up and get a bite that combines all the ingredients, it's not a sandwich anymore -- it's a meal.

Your Thursday Night, Now in Convenient Sandwich Form

Tonight, NBC returns to its normal Thursday night comedy schedule for the first time in several weeks, and I, like many of you out there, am thrilled. This two-hour block has long been a highlight of my TV-watching week, not only because of the quality of the four shows -- Community, Parks and Recreation, The Office, and 30 Rock -- but also because of how NBC has figured out how to broadcast these four shows in precisely the right order.

Now, if you'll bear with me, I'll explain how these four programs are set up exactly like an expertly-made sandwich:

Food, Glorious Food

Two reminders before we get started here. This is your last chance to vote in the finals of the invention bracket. Your champion gets crowned tomorrow. Secondly, if you're watching the first round of the NFL Draft on Thursday night and need something to do during the 10 minutes between picks, you can tune in to The Couchwarmers NFL Draft Live-Blogging event. Guaranteed fun or your money back.

Also, if you're observant, happy holiday. The Couchwarmers don't condone that kind of activity, but I have to admit, seeing a group of Stop & Shop employees sitting in their car in the store parking lot, staring giddily at their watches at 4:17 this afternoon was pretty amusing. Now, on to the good stuff.

Last night's episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations looked at food in such a way to compare it with porn. They went all out too -- the "bow chicka bow wow" music, the graphic content warning, and even Ron Jeremy making double entendres while wearing a bathrobe. But at the heart of the episode was the argument that for many people, food is truly a sensational experience. G-rated porn, if you will. For some people it's cars, for some it's clothes or shoes, and for others like Bourdain, it's food.

Thoughts from the Yankee Stadium Bleachers

...the only place in the world where it's acceptable to wear a Carl Pavano Yankee jersey. (And it's at least even odds that that kid has worn that jersey more than Carl ever did.)

Fresh off the Couchwarmers getting even more Matsui-related PR, I figured I'd check out a game in person and be on the lookout for some more slightly off-color signs. The lengths that we go to for our readers...

A Confederacy of Lunches

As I mentioned in the bifurcation belief post, in order to break up the monotony of unemployment, I like to pick a daily activity that forces me to leave the house, thereby splitting my day into two roughly equal parts (before that activity and after that activity). While the bifurcation belief certainly makes the day feel less overwhelming in its blankness, it does not eliminate the need to make decisions. In fact, because you have less of the day to work with, the bifurcation belief demands that you compartmentalize your time more so than you would if you were to adopt another unemployment strategy.

One of the principal decisions I face each day is what to eat for lunch.