The New NFL Draft Interview Process

Before we get started here, I'd just like to remind you guys to weigh in on the toilet/TP issue. If this is gonna work, we'll need a few more responses. If you've got a few minutes that need killing, what better way than this?

No doubt most of you have heard about the recent Dez Bryant-Jeff Ireland controversy. For those who need a quick refresher, Ireland, the GM of the Dolphins, asked the wide receiver in a pre-draft interview if his mother was a prostitute when she had him at the age of fifteen. Word of this interview got out, people got indignant, Matt Millen weighed in saying that nothing is off-limits in these interviews, people got even more indignant, people realized Matt Millen still has a job somewhere, people got even more indignant -- you get the idea.

Respect for Robbie

Quick question, and don't cheat (or look at the post title or picture on the right): who is 1st in the American League this season in batting average, slugging percentage, runs and OPS, and 2nd in the AL in home runs?

I'll give you a clue. He plays in the AL East. Okay, I'll give you another clue. He plays for the Yankees.

No, it's not A-Rod. Definitely not Mark Teixiera. Not Derek Jeter, either. The answer is Robinson Cano. Admit it...Cano wouldn't have been among your top 15 guesses. A second baseman who is considered no better than the 4th or 5th best position player on his team? Please. Well, it's time to give the guy some respect.

Your Thursday Night, Now in Convenient Sandwich Form

Tonight, NBC returns to its normal Thursday night comedy schedule for the first time in several weeks, and I, like many of you out there, am thrilled. This two-hour block has long been a highlight of my TV-watching week, not only because of the quality of the four shows -- Community, Parks and Recreation, The Office, and 30 Rock -- but also because of how NBC has figured out how to broadcast these four shows in precisely the right order.

Now, if you'll bear with me, I'll explain how these four programs are set up exactly like an expertly-made sandwich:

Floyd Mayweather Jr. Quotes Shakespeare

Floyd Mayweather Jr. tells Jim Rome what he thinks about other people's opinions. Insert requisite "Jim Rome is also an asshole"/Jim Everett joke here.

To V or Not To V

I had an internal conflict yesterday morning as I was preparing to bifurcate my day by going to the Mets game. You see, I am a Yankee fan so I had no rooting interest in the game nor did I have either team's paraphernalia to don. So I thought, if a jersey is out of the question, what qualifies as proper attire to wear to a baseball game? Can you wear a button-down shirt? At a Yankee game, sure, but this is the Mets we're talking about. They're the layperson's team. A guy in a button-down shirt at CitiField would stand out more than this thing or this thing. (Okay, that was a tasteless remark. What I really meant to say was that Mets fans should upgrade from coach to first class and support the classy organization that just so happens to have won 27 championships.)

Well, if a button-down is no good, how about a hoodie? Ah, much better. But what to wear under it? I could go with a t-shirt, a polo shirt, maybe even a regular white undershirt. I reached into my chest of drawers and happened on the one item I knew I couldn't wear to a baseball game: a V-neck t-shirt.

Sweet Home Alabama

...as long as you speak English. If not, then get the f out. Roll Tide.


(Thanks to Jamie for passing this along.)

Hit the Road, Mel

Just a few quick thoughts on Mel Kiper's and everyone else's 2010 NFL Draft grades:

Who cares?

Those are my thoughts. That's it. Have a happy Wednesday.

What, you want grades from me? You're not gonna get them. I hate draft grades. So does Peter King, who has said, "It's like going to law school, passing the bar, and the next day someone says: You're going to be an 'A' lawyer. How in the world does anyone know who the 'A' lawyer is going to be until he or she has been out in the real world for a while?"

The NBA: Where Penetration Happens

...and good basketball too.

When I first wrote up this post, I got a little carried away. In trying to promote the NBA playoffs, I took some cheap shots at Sam and his affinity for the NHL. In the spirit of brotherhood and promoting harmony among the members of the 9.7%, I chose to amend the post. This one is far more pro-NBA than anti-NHL but, have no fear, I'll still throw a few low blows to hockey here. If you want to see the original, unedited version, just become a follower of Couchwarmers by clicking "follow" towards the bottom right of this page. We'll include a copy of that post in your gift package*. If you're too proud to become a follower or don't want to give Sam and me an ego boost, you'll just have to settle for this one.
*Not actually a thing

Ridiculous Hypotheticals: Toilet vs. TP

And now, The Couchwarmers are happy to present to you an idea more than two weeks in the making. An idea with a lot of potential to be a recurring thing, we hope. But it's also an idea that requires audience participation, so we'll consider this a test run. If this one works, then we'll keep going with it. If not, then we'll ditch the idea. No pressure or anything.

A few weeks ago, we matched up the toilet and toilet paper in the first round of our invention bracket. For those of you who are new to the Couchwarmers, the premise was simple: we gave you two inventions, and you picked the one you considered more essential -- that is, if you were forced to choose between using only one of the two for the rest of your life, which would it be? Therefore, in this matchup, we were specifically asking whether you would rather go the rest of your life without the use of toilets and the plumbing that goes with them, or being able to wipe with toilet paper or any similar product.

In the end, toilet ended up defeating toilet paper 58% to 42%. But what surprised us the most was that we kept hearing from people about this matchup even after it ended. People who voted for toilets were adamant that their choice was the better one, while those who voted for toilet paper were just as steadfast.

So here's where you come in. It's up to you to email us, letting us know your preference and the best argument you've got for your choice. Basically, this is your chance to convince the other side that they're wrong. We'll take the best arguments from each side, post them, and then let you guys vote to determine the winner of this ridiculous hypothetical.

If nothing else, the most frequent compliment we've gotten here is that our blog is a good time-killer. So if you're sitting bored at your desk or in class, take a few minutes and help us settle this thing once and for all.

The One Where Bobby V Outs Josh Johnson

During tonight's Mets-Dodgers rainout coverage, Bobby Valentine had this little tidbit of information for us about Florida Marlins pitcher Josh Johnson. Thanks to Peter for passing along the video:



Knowing their conservative stance, I've gotta think that news like this won't make the members of Creed very happy. I'll say this though....through four innings tonight, Johnson has been absolutely FABULOUS.

Weekend Recap, Now with Bobby Bonilla's Wallet

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. For those of you who are upset about having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

Now, on to the weekend recap:

Something to do on a Rainy Sunday

Other than watch the NHL playoffs, of course. And if it's not raining where you're reading this, then understand that all news is required to be New York-centric, all the time.

I've long held the belief that anything, and I mean anything, is funny when set to Yakety Sax -- better known as that music from the Benny Hill Show. You know, like frightening scenes from horror movies:



So if you're bored and looking for something to do before tonight's Breaking Bad, here's your chance to scour YouTube for a video that would be made better/entirely inappropriate with the addition of this music. Send your ideas along (either in the comments or in an email) -- I'll take the best ones, do the necessary editing, and if they turn out well, I'll post 'em. Plus, if I use your video, you'll win a Couchwarmers prize pack.* Good luck.

*Does not exist

Friday Roundup, NFL Draft Edition

Thanks to all of you who stopped by last night to read our NFL Draft liveblog. Hopefully, we kept you guys entertained. The one thing that we learned from the whole experience is that the four hours of the first round fly by when you're trying to type up a recap of the proceedings, take pictures of Tom Jackson gently caressing his breasts, and upload video of the Justin Tuck phone call all at the same time.

Also, thanks for sending in some good curse words last night. It's a shame we couldn't use all of them. Actually, the best we got wasn't a curse word, but a one-liner, and it comes to us from a reader who shall remain anonymous: "I like my whiskey like I like my women -- twelve years old and full of coke."

The One Where We Call Justin Tuck Pretending to be Drew Rosenhaus

For a full draft night recap, and for the story behind how we got Justin Tuck's number, check out our draft night liveblog. If you're waiting for the money shot, here you go. Armed with his number, and hoping that he doesn't know what Drew Rosenhaus' voice sounds like, we make the call:



(UPDATE: On Peter's urging, we took the video down after having it up for a couple of weeks. He said it would reflect poorly on him to have it floating around if and when he decided to get a job. We told him that as long as he wasn't applying for a job with the Giants, he would be fine. But he still insisted. We're not ones to upset friends of the blog. The video's been taken down.)

Pictures from the Draft

Here are the screenshots we got.  For a full recap, check out the Couchwarmers' liveblog of the NFL draft.

Tom Jackson milking himself.

J-Mac cheers on the New England Patriots after their selection.

Busta Rhymes makes a rare appearance to congratulate Joe Haden on being drafted by the Browns.

NFL Draft Liveblog

Welcome to The Couchwarmers 2010 NFL Draft Liveblog Extravaganza. Tonight's always a fun night, but as there are ten whole minutes between picks, we hope you'll need something to pass the time waiting for the next pick. That's where we come in. Just know that you should be expecting less actual analysis, and more jokes about Mel Kiper Jr. trying to hide his football erection.

Of course, you know Daniel and me, but we'd like to introduce two friends of The Couchwarmers who will be joining us for the party. We have nicknames for our friends, but to you, we'll be just be referring to them as Peter and Eric. Only douchebags refer to their friends by their nicknames to people they haven't met.

Peter is a New York Giants fan who comes to us straight from Ithaca, NY after celebrating his Ithaca farewell party last night. He said he'd show up here at 4:30 this afternoon, but when he hadn't showed up or called at 6, Daniel and I thought that there was a 5% chance he had wrecked his car, 20% chance he'd gotten a residual DUI from last night, and 75% chance he had instead driven home and fallen asleep. He wants me to say that he's hung like Greg Oden. I can neither confirm nor deny that. He is also currently in possession of the phone number of an NFL Pro Bowler, whose identity will be revealed later when we call him. Stay tuned.

Then we have Eric. Eric hasn't gotten here yet. He might actually flake out, because he only recently became an Eagles fan. Watching a game with Eric is like watching with a 12-year-old, if only because Eric has yet to grow out of the phase where he hides his head in a sofa cushion when something doesn't go his way. Eric is also the only person I know who has successfully pulled off a karaoke version of Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name."

For the record, Sam will be typing in green. Daniel will be typing in red. And now, we bring you The Couchwarmers 2010 NFL Draft Liveblog Extravanganza. Click "Read More", and enjoy.

Attack of the Hooded Rando

Good morning, readers. Don't forget to check out our NFL Draft liveblog tonight.

The 2004 Draft, Revisited

Seeing as how The Couchwarmers NFL Draft Live-Blog Extravaganza is now just a little more than a day away, I thought I'd whet your appetite with a post about a previous NFL draft that also happens to have some current relevance. Going into the 2004 NFL draft, there were three consensus top quarterbacks: Eli Manning, Philip Rivers, and Ben Roethlisberger.

Most of us still remember how draft day went: Manning refused to go to the San Diego Chargers, who had the first pick. They drafted him anyway, but shortly thereafter, traded him to the New York Giants for a package that included Rivers, who had been picked fourth. A little while later, the Pittsburgh Steelers drafted Big Ben eleventh overall.

Overall, all three of these quarterbacks have had both varying levels of success and disappointment in the league. But watching all of the Roethlisberger suspension coverage today at the gym got me thinking: Knowing everything we know now, and keeping past histories and looking at predicted future performance -- at this moment, which quarterback would you want on your team? Let's take a look at the arguments:

Championship Recap

We've made it. We're about to crown a champion. It has been a journey through the annals of technology and we've left no stone nor Apple device unturned. We've proven that Charles H. Duell is an idiot and that you all like condoms. A lot. We've seen antibiotics make a sick run to the Final Four and Internet browse through the competition. We've witnessed the ball deflating under the pressure of a three seed and the automobile getting sold for well below its Blue Book value. We've seen tragedy and triumph, underdog and frontrunner, bad pun and good pun, all to see which invention trumps all the others.

And now...the results. Can I get a drum roll please?

Food, Glorious Food

Two reminders before we get started here. This is your last chance to vote in the finals of the invention bracket. Your champion gets crowned tomorrow. Secondly, if you're watching the first round of the NFL Draft on Thursday night and need something to do during the 10 minutes between picks, you can tune in to The Couchwarmers NFL Draft Live-Blogging event. Guaranteed fun or your money back.

Also, if you're observant, happy holiday. The Couchwarmers don't condone that kind of activity, but I have to admit, seeing a group of Stop & Shop employees sitting in their car in the store parking lot, staring giddily at their watches at 4:17 this afternoon was pretty amusing. Now, on to the good stuff.

Last night's episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations looked at food in such a way to compare it with porn. They went all out too -- the "bow chicka bow wow" music, the graphic content warning, and even Ron Jeremy making double entendres while wearing a bathrobe. But at the heart of the episode was the argument that for many people, food is truly a sensational experience. G-rated porn, if you will. For some people it's cars, for some it's clothes or shoes, and for others like Bourdain, it's food.

The Beauty that is the NFL Draft

As we gear up for the "75th annual meeting of National Football League franchises to select newly eligible football players" (which the Couchwarmers will liveblog on Thursday evening), I thought it was high time to delve into just why we watch an incredibly slow, drawn out process whose results we could read in a newspaper the next day. There must be reasons why we subject ourselves to watching announcers like "that jerk in Baltimore" bloviate about "upside" and "raw talent."

We watch the NFL draft in large part because of the unforeseen moments it delivers....some heartwarming and some pathetic, some stimulating and some boring, some well-spoken and some, um, stuttering.

The NFL draft has brought a ton of joy to our lives. Let's take a look at some videos, and you can see for yourself why it's so special.

Top 10 Pump-Up Songs of All Time

On the post for the invention bracket final, Sam chose the Chicago Bulls theme song as his lead-in, a classic pump-up song. That got me thinking, is that the best pump-up song of all time? What else is in the running? Well, after several hours of careful deliberation, I have compiled and seeded the definitive list of the best pump up songs ever.

I've listened to every song on my iPod (twice) and elevated YouTube to the home screen of Google Chrome (you know, that page that pops up when you open Google Chrome that shows you the 8 sites you go to most). Pump-up songs can be of any genre as long as they make you want to either a) run around, b) watch Rocky or c) break things. In other words, it can't be this (yes I know, it's a good song but the only thing it makes me want to break is my bad sleeping pattern). Feel free to argue with this list --- but only if you realize you're wrong.

Weekend Recap, Now with Braille Pornography

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. We'd also like to extend a special welcome to all of you who are coming over from Deadspin. Stick with us and we'll fulfill all your wildest dreams, especially if you vote in the championship game of our invention bracket.

For those of you who are upset about having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

Thanks to Bradley, Patrick, Brian, and Aaron for sending us .mp3s of the Creed Marlins song. For your effort, all of you get shout-outs, although the ones that Patrick and Brian sent were the best quality, so they're the only ones who will receive the beer/cookie combo. For those of you who want the song, we're more than happy to share.

We're also very happy to announce that The Couchwarmers will be live-blogging the first round of the NFL Draft this Thursday night. Suggestions for draft-related drinking games would be highly appreciated. Just put them below in the comments. And now, on to the weekend recap:

Bronx Bomb-ers

Here's a story that seems to have fallen through the cracks: A few days ago, MTA workers attempted to play a notification at some Metro-North stations advising people of train service to Yankee Stadium. Instead, they played this bomb threat announcement:

“Due to police activity, all train service has been suspended indefinitely. The police department has asked that everyone immediately leave the train station and maintain a distance of at least 300 feet from railroad property.”

If that sounds familiar, it should. A similar announcement sounded in Boston's visitors' locker room about two weeks ago:

“Chan Ho Park has asked that everyone immediately leave the locker room and maintain a distance of at least 300 feet from stall #4.”

The Championship

(For best results, click play, and then read on.)

This is it. The one you've all been waiting for. We've seen upsets and we've seen close matches, but we have not yet seen a champion. One click of your mouse for all the marbles. Internet-Telephone. Let's do this.

But before we start, let's clarify some things. Yes, you can get internet on your telephones, and you can make telephone calls over the internet. But for this matchup to work, we're going to have to distinguish the two. Therefore, for the sake of this matchup, you're going to have to choose one or the other -- for which invention would it be harder for you to live without?

Let's define telephones as any phone, landline, cell, satellite, etc. -- but on these phones, there's no internet. You can call, and you can text.

Let's define internet as complete use of the web, except that you can't make any sort of audio or video calls. Instant messaging is okay.

One click of the mouse. It's all up to you.

A High-Five for the Weekend

Just a few quick thoughts before I head off to Yankee Stadium to see the current WFC in action:

Remember when I said that first-round upsets make the NHL playoffs fun to watch? Well both #1 seeds lost their first playoff game -- San Jose on a goal with 49 seconds left, and Washington in overtime. If you're not watching already, it's not too late to start.

If anyone can take the Creed song about the Marlins that we posted yesterday, turn it into an .mp3 or other iTunes playable audio file, and then send it to couchwarmers@gmail.com, we would be eternally grateful. You'll get a shout-out on the blog and/or a beer or a cookie or something.

Final Four Recap

We've made it down to the final four inventions. Soon, only two will remain standing. Now you may be asking yourself: what does the picture to the right have to do with any of this? Is it that "time is running out for the tournament"? No. This was just the first thing that came up on Google image search for "television telephone internet antibiotics."

Just remember, it all comes down to one more click of the mouse from each of you. Without further ado, the Final Four results:

How Do You Say TMI in Korean?

This may be a few days old, but we thought that it was too good a video to pass up. You see, it's not just ex-Yankees like Hideki Matsui that the Couchwarmers poke fun at. Current Yankee Chan Ho Park, how have you been feeling recently?

Note from Sam, who couldn't resist making a poop joke: During the opening series, I pointed out after yet another long Red Sox flyout that as a pitcher, Chan Ho Park "has warning track power." FYI, Chan Ho -- that's a bad thing. Also, I'm pretty sure that after this interview, the one way you could never describe Chan Ho Park is by saying that he "lacks explosiveness."

Bunch of Dudes: Midseason Report

When I learned that Steven Spielberg was producing The Pacific, a new HBO miniseries about the Pacific theater of World War II, I was ecstatic. It was Spielberg, after all, who had produced Band of Brothers, a 2001 HBO miniseries that is one of the greatest programs I've ever watched. I, along with most other people, saw this series as a follow-up to Band of Brothers. Hell, "From the Producers of Band of Brothers" was front and center at the top of its promotional poster. The comparisons couldn't have been more clear. But it is exactly for this reason that halfway through its run, this show is suffocating under the weight of its own expectations.

Who's Coming With Me?

For the Couchwarmers, there's no better way to protest tax day than to rescue dollar bills from a random toilet in Wichita.

If you're interested in joining us, make sure to check out these guidelines beforehand.

And if you want to blow off some steam afterwards, you might want to attend the rally occurring five days and five minutes later, though I suspect those attendees will be in a different frame of mind. The participants of that rally would be much less hesitant to go toilet diving for cash.

Finally, my profuse apologies to Sam for bringing politics into the mix. He absolutely hates it. To make up for that, here's Creed singing about the Florida Marlins:

This Woman is not a Colorado Avalanche Fan

Good morning, readers. I hope your night was better than hers.

Thoughts from the Yankee Stadium Bleachers

...the only place in the world where it's acceptable to wear a Carl Pavano Yankee jersey. (And it's at least even odds that that kid has worn that jersey more than Carl ever did.)

Fresh off the Couchwarmers getting even more Matsui-related PR, I figured I'd check out a game in person and be on the lookout for some more slightly off-color signs. The lengths that we go to for our readers...

All Pucked Up

In case you guys haven't seen it yet, we made The Big Lead this morning. Big happenings for The Couchwarmers indeed. Thanks are due to The Big Lead for being gracious enough to put us up, and even more importantly, to one YES Network producer who has obviously never seen Full Metal Jacket.

Also, I don't see how people can continue to sit on the Tiger side of the Phil-Tiger debate after reading things like this. Tiger cheats on his wife; Phil takes his family to Krispy Kreme. Just don't tell Phil that he accidentally dripped some glaze on his green jacket. He knows damn well what he did -- he's just saving it for later.

Those of you who know me well know that I'm a big hockey fan, specifically one who roots for the New York Rangers, and that I love talking about hockey. However, I'm well aware that the majority of readers here aren't big hockey fans. So here's what's going to happen: there will be one big post right now about why you should be watching the NHL playoffs, which start tonight. After that, I'll make some hockey references throughout the rest of the playoffs, but if you're not watching, I won't cram it down your throats.

[steps onto soapbox]

A Final Four Puff Piece

As the Final Four of the Invention Bracket is upon us, we know that it wouldn't feel like a true Final Four without at least one ridiculous puff piece on one of the teams. Today, we take a closer look at the highest remaining seed, television. Let's send it to Greg Gumbel in the studio:

Gumbel: Welcome back to our Final Four coverage. There are many television fans here, but none bigger than one young man. We now bring you a story about television, and its influence on one.... very.... special.... fan.

Welcome Back, Hideki

If nothing else, Yankees fans know how to show their appreciation. Welcome back to the Stadium, Godzilla.

A Confederacy of Lunches

As I mentioned in the bifurcation belief post, in order to break up the monotony of unemployment, I like to pick a daily activity that forces me to leave the house, thereby splitting my day into two roughly equal parts (before that activity and after that activity). While the bifurcation belief certainly makes the day feel less overwhelming in its blankness, it does not eliminate the need to make decisions. In fact, because you have less of the day to work with, the bifurcation belief demands that you compartmentalize your time more so than you would if you were to adopt another unemployment strategy.

One of the principal decisions I face each day is what to eat for lunch.

The Final Four

Before we get started on the Final Four, I'd just like to give you guys an another reminder to become a fan of The Couchwarmers on Facebook if you haven't done so already. Fans will be first in line to get important updates and will receive special giveaways* from The Couchwarmers.
*Subject to not actually happening

So here we are at the Final Four. The Elite 8 games saw some upsets, as two 1-seeds fell, leading to an unexpected #2 vs. #6 matchup here in Indianapolis/St. Louis/San Antonio (circle one). Here's the way the bracket looks heading into the penultimate round:

We've got Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery calling the game. Teddy Valentine leads an experienced officiating crew. The inventions are ready. The fans are ready. Let's get this thing underway.

Links To Pass On

In honor of the Masters being completed, I'm going to hit the links -- and by "links," I mean web sites and by "hit," I mean pass them on you. There's some good stuff out there and you definitely don't have the time to scour for it. Well, I do!

Weekend Recap, Now with Creepy Child Art

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. Before you can even ask -- yes, the rumors are true. We have a Facebook fan page now. If you love America, you'll join.

For those of you who are upset about having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

On to the weekend recap:

Elite Eight Recap

I know many of you have been clamoring for the elite eight results (and if I were in your shoes, I would also be eagerly anticipating the recap) but sometimes "other things" get in the way of our posting schedule. Today, for instance, my internet was down and I was going to call Belkin to figure out what was wrong, but, you know, the Masters was on. Anyway, lucky for you, Phil's gutsy performance gave me the strength to call and fix the problem and now you get your dose of bad puns. I dare you not to laugh.

Get to Know Your Remote

Yes, tomorrow afternoon is the final round of The Masters. And yes, if Tiger is still among the leaders, it will be sports theatre at its finest. And yes, if he sinks a putt on 18 to win it and then immediately runs into the crowd, drops his pants, and starts a massive orgy in the gallery, it will immediately become one of whose "where were you when..." moments. But for all of you living in the New York and Philadelphia metro areas, there's something else happening on your moving picture boxes that promises to be just as exciting.

That Weekend Where People Watch Golf

That'll wrap up another tough work week here at the Couchwarmers. Consider this your last reminder to vote on the Elite 8. Matchups come down sometime tomorrow.

Daniel's Tiger post was a good one, but I'm going to quickly pile on with a few of my own not-as-serious thoughts. In yesterday's post, Daniel outlined why he's rooting for Tiger this weekend. His reasons were valid, and his logic was good.

I, however, am rooting against Tiger. Always have. And this has nothing to do with his personality or his recent parade of whores. As a Yankees fan and a Duke basketball fan, I just need to be able to root for the underdog somewhere. I appreciate Tiger's undeniable skill, but sometimes it's just nice to see someone come out of nowhere to take him down. Plus, as a former 240-pound adolescent, I understand what it's like to be a dude with boobs. So....go Phil.

Also, if you haven't seen the amazing parodies of Tiger's creepy new Nike commercial, look no farther.

A few more thoughts to close out the week:

Overplayed Radio Song of the Summer

As April was doing its best summer impression the past few days, I found myself harkening back to the summer months of yesteryear. Both Sam and I have spent many a summer attending and then working at a camp in Maine. Among my memories of camp are the smell of dew-laden baseball fields, the taste of mediocre macaroni and cheese (which Sam has accurately pointed out should be a side dish, not a main course) and, yes, the sound of overplayed radio songs.

A Fist Pump for Tiger

Tiger Woods teed off at the Masters at 1:42 PM ET today and with that, we can (hopefully) put all the other stuff to rest and just marvel at his dominance. Frankly, I was never outraged by Tiger's affairs because a) those girls were, to quote my mother, "some top-of-the-line hookers" (so at least he wasn't knocking boots with, you know, the Steve Phillips targets of the world) and b) as a devout follower of both sports and politics, I've seen this story play out too many times before. Powerful people surround themselves with loyal handlers (who don't say peep until the proverbial feces hits the allegorical fan), the handlers arrange for the powerful people to be "accompanied" on the road and then they do it all over again at their next stop. The handlers tee it up; the powerful people drive it down the fairway. I'm pretty sure Tiger's capable of doing that.

Emotional Insurance

As I promised two days ago, here's a post titled Emotional Insurance, in which we will explore, among other things, why I placed $80 on the Butler Bulldogs to win the national title. First off, let's define "insurance." According to the world's leading scholarly source, insurance is "a form of risk management primarily used to hedge against the risk of a contingent, uncertain loss." By extension then, emotional insurance would be a way in which to insure your mental well-being in the case of a contingent, uncertain loss. Let's use Monday night as an example:

Elite 8

We're really getting down to it now. Three rounds down with only three more to go before we name the greatest invention of all time. Here's the bracket heading into the Elite 8:

Let's throw it back to the studio for some analysis:

Sweet 16 Results

And then there were eight...

I was going to highlight only three or four of the eight Sweet 16 matchups in this post but then I realized that daytime television is terrible. So all ye loyal readers will get a summary of all the matchups on the Road to the Final Four (except not an actual road because you decided to vote out interstate highway systems).  

We'll do it live!

One Shining Zoubek: A Tribute to Greatness

Between amazing basketball, amazing weather, getting to live like I was in college again, and a reverse jinx executed to near-perfection, these past few days have been pretty spectacular. Other than the picture below, I'll spare you the gloating -- I got that out of my system last night -- and bring you the fair and balanced. Also, you haters will be happy to hear that this will be the last Duke post for at least six months. After I wrap this up, it's time to move on to bigger and better things like, you know....the invention bracket. Sweet 16 voting ends tomorrow.

To comment on Daniel's last post: yes, I was pessimistic. Ask anyone in Durham, and they'll tell you that I spent the weekend acting as an emotional tether. At Duke, national championships are celebrated with a giant bonfire on the main quad. After the dominant win over West Virginia on Saturday night, people were talking about the bonfire as if it was as sure a thing as Bob Huggins and Da'Sean Butler eventually running away together. For the next two days, I put my downer soundtrack on repeat. "You guys know the bonfire isn't happening, right? Man, it's gonna suck when we lose to Butler. I've seen Hoosiers. I know how this ends."

Text Messages From a Duke Fan: Reverse Jinx or Lack of Confidence?

There are two types of sports fans: those who believe in jinxes (ie that you as a sports fan have an effect on your teams chances of winning/losing) and those who are misguided. Jinxes exist.  If you say aloud in the presence of other people that your team is going to win, it does not bode well for your team. My older brother, Zach, knows this all too well as he cost the Giants a win in the 2002 wildcard game against the 49ers when he inexplicably blurted out "Bring on the Bucs, this game is over!" with a 38-14 lead in the 3rd quarter.  I tried watching in a different room and changing into a different Giants jersey in order to appease the sports karma gods but the fate of the game was sealed. The Giants lost and I have held it over Zach ever since.

The Quad, The Quad, The Quad is on Fire

We don't need no water, let that something something burn.

Gloat gloat gloat gloat gloat gloat gloat.

Butler made us sweat. But Duke sweats championships. To all you Duke haters, my apologies; please keep reading the blog. To those of you who I went to school with, this one was for JJ, Shelden, Luol, Sean, Duhon, DeMarcus, and all of those McDonald's All-Americans who never had the chance. 

Be ready for a more comprehensive review tomorrow.

This is why Duke doesn't suck.

Five Unrelated Thoughts

The Sweet 16 of the invention bracket is up. Vote or die.

I had a few thoughts when I woke up this morning and figured I'd pass them along.  I'll post some more over the next few days but these are some of the things that consume members of the 9.7%.  As always, if you have comments, post them below -- we're an interactive blog, folks.

Sweet 16

First, I'm going to address a vicious rumor I've heard. Some people are saying that The Couchwarmers have lost some steam over the past few days. If this is true, it's Daniel's fault. I warned all of you that I would be temporarily unavailable due to that whole "driving to North Carolina" thing. So I'm excusing myself from liability because of the twelve hours it took me to drive from New York to Durham -- although those two hours moving at 5 MPH on the DC Beltway did allow me ample time to brainstorm the blog. I hope you guys are ready for some entertainment, because right now, I'm elbow-deep in ideas. Stay tuned. And if you don't like the plans I have, I'll just blame Daniel again.

Round Two Recap

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Second Round

After a spirited first round of the Couchwarmers Invention Bracket Spectacular that saw some powerful teams go down, we move on to Round Two. To refresh your memory, here's the first round recap. We'll leave second round voting open until sometime on Saturday, when we'll recap the round and let you know which inventions made it to the Sweet 16. We realize that we're not going to be done with this thing by the time the real tourney ends on Monday night, but just think of this as a way to help you recover from your yearly bracket addiction. We at the Couchwarmers like to let you down easy.

Tomorrow, I'm driving down to Durham, NC for some sort of basketball game. I may throw up a post sometime over the weekend, but for now, I leave you at the whim of Daniel's capable typing fingers. Just know that at least for the next few days, you should expect fewer food references and more god-awful puns.

Now on to the matchups. Some second round highlights include:

Yankee Stadium No More?

Buster Olney has just reported that Apple has bought the naming rights to Yankee Stadium for a record $750 million over the next 25 years. It's not clear from the report whether it will become Apple Stadium this year or next, but I am not pleased. I can only imagine all the "Big Apple" marketing campaigns we will see over the coming months and years.

I know that many baseball stadiums have succumbed to sponsorship pressures over the past decade, but I always thought Yankee Stadium was immune to those. With the loss of the name Yankee Stadium comes a loss of independence and a loss of sanctity. This will no longer be The House That Ruth Built -- it will be The House That Steve Jobs Bought.  It's a sad day for Yankees fans.