How To Gloat After Winning Your Fantasy League

After what seems like an eternity playing fantasy football, I finally won a league this year. The following is an email I sent to the rest of the league shortly after the championship game concluded. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, feel free to use this basic template to rub your victory in the faces of the rest of the league. Basically, it's like a taunting Mad Lib. Fill in the blanks where necessary:

(Number of years in the league) seasons, countless hours spent provoking (Owner #1) via email, and several emotionally-conflicting (quarterback who you own but plays for a rival team) touchdown passes later and all I have to say is this: it's about fucking time.

Turducken

For the past few years, one of my friends and I have tried, every year around New Years, to out-do our previous gluttonous experiences. Last year, we re-created the taco from the "Taco Town" SNL commercial all the way up until they wrap it in a crepe. Fine dining it was not, but delicious it most certainly was. For several years though, we'd wanted to get a turducken, but for some reason, we hadn't worked up the courage to actually get one.

So this year, after throwing the idea around for what seemed like forever, I actually ordered a Turducken. I don't know what finally convinced me to, but I wasn't going to let another food opportunity like this pass me by. I did my research online and decided to order from cajungrocer.com. They seemed to get good reviews, and better yet, they were having a sale. I couldn't pass this opportunity up. It was like fate had magically intervened. I ordered it.

The ESPN Year-End Montage

I've taken some slack recently about the lack of posts on here. Some of you have come to me claiming that The Couchwarmers is dead. Well, I'll respond justly -- we're not dead. We're just taking a really heavy nap. It's what we do best here at The Couchwarmers. If you don't like it, The Huffington Post is right down the road. You know, in that gated neighborhood.

Also, Merry Christmas, everyone. And look -- Santa is dropping a hockey puck. Or in other words, this is what happens when you Google image search "christmas sports".

Sure, I'm Jewish, but I look forward to several things every year about Christmas. Like the ESPN year-in-review montage they always do. Personally, I think the best they've done is the 1999 "Images of the Century" set to Aerosmith's "Dream On." But it's kind of an unfair fight, since that one got to work with 100 years of clips while most of the montages only get 365 days worth of material.

Still, I've always wondered what happens if something monumental happens in the sports world between Christmas and New Years. I caught this year's montage at the end of SportsCenter last night, and I thought it was pretty good. But what happens if something truly amazing happens during the last week of 2010? They can't go back and change it. A good 2010 montage would be ruined by the omission of the play in the Jets-Bears game tomorrow where a blitzing Brian Urlacher actually kills Mark Sanchez and then has his way with the corpse. A clip like that would need to be in the year-end montage -- tastefully done, of course.

Here's hoping that something big happens over the next seven days. You know, maybe without the necrophilia. Or with it. Whatever. I just want to see how they handle it.

Watch as the Metrodome Roof Collapses

From the videos-you-need-to-see department: This morning, they had cameras rolling inside of the Metrodome as snow caused the roof to cave in. The part with the big thing of snow getting dumped on the field at about 0:17 looks completely CGI, but it's most definitely not.



For what it's worth, I think they should have played the game today anyway. It's not like the pile of snow would have been any tougher to get past than the Giants' defensive line.

The Hanukkah Snuggie Commercial

While watching TV this morning, I saw this ad:

It seems as though the people over at Snuggie are still pushing hard for you to give the gift of sleeved blanket for Hanukkah this year. But Hanukkah's over. Wednesday was the last night. I believe the commercial put it best: "Oy!"

So buy the Snuggie. It's the perfect gift for Hanukkah 2011 -- or 5772, depending on who you're asking.

It's Goddamn Snack Time!

Take solace, Jets fans. After the 45-3 whooping delivered to the Jets by the Patriots a few nights ago, you can now get your revenge in video game form. I give you: Goddamn Snack Time. If you're playing it at work or at school, just make sure the volume's off. If you're playing it in the comfort of your own home, crank it up. The Rex-isms make it that much more enjoyable. Much like The Couchwarmers, it's good for killing a few minutes at work. And when it all comes down to it, isn't that why you're here?

Also, I didn't realize this until the third time I played, but you actually have to eat Tom Brady -- simply jumping to avoid the footballs won't do the trick. Just so you're aware.

Name That Stolen Tune

So I was in my car the other day, and heard a song on the independent radio station here that I didn't recognize, but that I liked. I kept listening until the end of the song to hear who it was, and much to my dismay, the DJ announced that it was a song off The Decemberists' new album.

I have no specific reason for disliking the Decemberists. In fact, I don't ever think I've ever really listened to them. If I gave them a chance, I might even like them. But it seems as though any time non-mainstream bands are being talked about, there's that one guy who inevitably brings up the Decemberists. I'm not like the rest of you. I'm my own person, dammit.

But then it occurred to me why I liked this song so much -- it's a rip-off of a song I already like. Take a listen. And for those of you who were born after 1989 or so, the answer's after the jump.

A Very TurBacon Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful that I haven't given you a single post I promised to in the past week and you're still reading this. Your loyalty warms my heart. Unfortunately though, your loyalty will not unclog my heart if I was ever to enjoy a glorious TurBacon. But that's a risk I think I may have to take.



This may be the second most impressive Turducken variation I've ever heard about. The first? From the Wikipedia page itself:

In his 1807 Almanach des Gourmands, gastronomist Grimod de La Reynière presents his rôti sans pareil ("roast without equal"): a bustard stuffed with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a guinea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an ortolan bunting and a garden warbler. The final bird is very small but large enough to hold just an olive; it also suggests that, unlike modern multi-bird roasts, there was no stuffing or other packing placed in between the birds. It appears to be illegal to make today as some of the species are endangered.

That's all the proof I need that knowledge of wrongdoing can make something that much more delicious. Enjoy your feasts. If you need me, look for the one stuck to the couch, oozing turkey and pie.

Creed Shreds

Funny, he doesn't look it.

The wedding was lovely. Congrats again to the happy couple. If you didn't see already on Twitter, I forgot the collar stays for my shirt, but improvised using pieces of an In-N-Out straw. I'm the homeless man's Martha Stewart. Prison joke.

I haven't decided which of the three aforepromised things you're going to get from me later on this week, but seeing as how I'm off to class in a little bit, you're not getting anything today. Except for this video, which I promise will more than make up for me not talking about food or Canada until later this week.

Shouldn't "Baylor" Be Plural?

Upcoming story or brand-new fetish porn video? You decide. And if you decide on the latter, be ready to define "Baylor" and "UConn" in your answer.

Fuck Kansas

That's right. Fuck it. I don't know what I ever did to piss it off, but it sure has it out for me.

I woke up this morning at 7AM to get to the airport, so I didn't get much sleep last night. By the time I drifted off, we were somewhere over the middle of the country. I slept for roughly half an hour until I was shaken awake by some pretty good turbulence. I took a look at the flight map on the screen in front of me and lo and behold, we'd just passed from Missouri into Kansas.

It wasn't all bad though. At one point during the turbulence, the plane did that thing where it dropped suddenly and an Asian lady sitting a few rows behind me let out a shriek. I giggled. Was it worth the turbulence? Sure. But I was still mad at Kansas for waking me up.

Housekeeping

No, I'm not actually cleaning my house. I would never do that. But as I sit here watching hockey and contemplating whether the most pathetic 5-on-3 I've ever seen belongs to the Rangers or those overweight divorcees I saw in that eight-way gangbang, I realized that I hadn't said hi in more than a week.

Also, when I typed "hockey gangbang" into Google image search, that Bert and Ernie pic is what they gave me on Page 1. Or would have given me on Page 1 if Google Image Search still had pages.

Reaction to the Moss Waiving

Yes, I'm back. It's been a while. I guess Randy Moss was just what I needed to get me inspired to write...cause if anyone can inspire, it's Randy, right?

Two points about Moss getting cut. The first is about how we found out and the second is about where he'll end up.

Everyone who still poo-poos Twitter and thinks it's just a platform for narcissistic people to tell their friends what they're doing should take a moment to observe what happened yesterday:

Leftover Candy

Is there some candy that just reminds you of Halloween? For example, Baby Ruth bars. During the year, I never eat them, and I really don't know anyone else who does either. If I want a candy bar with the ingredients that a Baby Ruth has, I'll buy a Snickers. But just because Baby Ruth comes in the variety pack with the Butterfinger and the 100 Grand, I'm stuck with it. And of course after the trick-or-treaters have taken most of the candy, all that's left are the Baby Ruths and the Crunch Bars, which I invariably end up eating myself.

I'm not complaining, though. Candy is candy. Unless it's Raisinettes. Then it's just fucking disgusting.

Anyway, I've got a big research paper to write, so I don't have much for you today, but for those of you who need cheering up on this Monday (I'm looking at you, Jets fans), I leave you with this video. Happy November.

The SportsCenter LeBron Lovefest

As someone who enjoys SportsCenter's daily Top Ten, I particularly dislike the NBA for what it does to the top plays. Unfortunately for me and everyone else who's not a Heat fan, the Top Ten from October all the way until May/June is dominated by one person -- and most of the time he's on there for plays that are good, yet unspectacular. I can't be the only one annoyed by Lebron James' takeover of the Top Ten, can I?

So this year I'm trying something different. When I can, I'm going to track LeBron's Top Ten overexposure. Using a 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 scoring system, where he gets 10 points for being top play #1, and 1 point for being #10, we're going to track this. Let's start with last night:

Using Your Head

"If I get a chance to knock somebody out, I'm going to knock them out and take what they give me. They give me a helmet, I'm going to use it." --Dolphins Linebacker Channing Crowder

I'm sure that many of you who read this article probably laughed at Crowder's comments and brushed him off as being as idiot. And yes, Channing Crowder is an idiot. But unintentionally, Crowder makes a great point.

Would You Vote For This Man?

After hearing him voice his opinions during last night's New York gubernatorial debate -- maybe. Judge for yourself:

Wikipedia and the Art of the Fake Blowjob

In yesterday's post, I mentioned how one of the consequences of getting into an immature-off with Sean Avery is that your Wikipedia page gets messed with. What I didn't explore though, were the edits that James Wisniewski's page had gone through since the incident. My bad. I can't just leave you guys hanging like that. Now that Wisniewski has officially been suspended by the league, I now present to you the fine work of the Editors-in-Chief of Wikipedia -- all six billion of them:

First, the mention of the incident as it currently reads:

On October 12, 2010, he was suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture towards Sean Avery.

Well, that's no fun. Let's see what else has been put up:

Ode to a Douchebag

Sean Avery is a dick. Even people who don't follow hockey know that he keeps finding different ways to be a dick. Hell, I'm a Ranger fan, and I'll readily admit that he's a dick. I'm very happy to have him on my team, but he's a dick.

During yesterday's Rangers-Islanders game, Sean Avery was involved in yet another altercation. Yet, this time, the coming suspension won't be given to Avery, but to Islanders defenseman James Wisniewski.

Couch Pretzels: Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar

We all come across shows by accident. Sometimes, you develop an odd fascination with them, often because they are a train wreck, other times because they are just entertaining in a way you can’t explain. You probably shouldn’t waste time with them, but you do anyway. Soon you realized you’ve watched or heard enough to be considered a fan. You know the feeling of finding an old pretzel amongst the cushions, don’t you? Sure, it might be from the 1PM football games, and it’s most definitely not a smart idea to eat it, but you do anyway. And more times than not, it’s satisfying in an empty caloric way. Well, these shows are kind of like that. Today's Couch Pretzel comes from Peter:

Every Sunday evening around 7PM, I come to the realization that I have put off my weekly trip to Trader Joe’s. On my way to the store, with my radio dial fixed on WAMU, the Washington, DC NPR affiliate, I regularly come across the “Big Broadcast with Ed Walker.” To be honest, it first caught my ear because the show begins with the un-ironic playing of the cheesy love music from Airplane.

Shiny Suds

Sure, it's really an ad warning about the dangers of household chemicals, but I like to think of it as a dramatic re-enactment of what goes on inside the Jets' locker room. The large loofah-loving bubble is obviously Rex Ryan.



On tap for the weekend:

The Funny and the Informative

I have to say I enjoyed Ken Burns' Baseball: The Tenth Inning, or as it was alternatively titled, Yankees and Red Sox Highlights From the Past Fifteen Years. If I'm a White Sox fan (which, thank God, I'm not), I'm a little bit upset that they spent roughly half an hour talking about Boston breaking their 86-year championship curse, but only spent about five seconds showing the last out of the White Sox breaking their 88-year title drought. For the most part though, the show was enjoyable -- it just didn't stack up to the original documentary. The original felt like one of the most interesting history lessons I'd ever had. This addition felt like a Sportscenter special which dealt with the Yankees, the Red Sox, and steroids.

But much like Major League Baseball after the steroid era, I'm ready to move on, and give you something to take your mind off the fact that on the east coast, at least temperature-wise, Fall has arrived. Here at The Couchwarmers, we like to specialize in both the funny and the informative. Oh yeah, and ass shots too. Those really get the pageviews.

First, the informative:

Yep, That's an Ass

Congrats to the Yankees for clinching. And also to whoever that is for deciding to face the locker while changing.

Couch Pretzels: Sharktopus

Welcome back to another installment of "Couch Pretzels." Some of you may have forgotten what this whole series is about. Fear not, loyal readers. This is exactly where copying and pasting from an old post does the trick:

We all come across shows by accident. Sometimes, you develop an odd fascination with them, often because they are a train wreck, other times because they are just entertaining in a way you can’t explain. You probably shouldn’t waste time with them, but you do anyway. Soon you realized you’ve watched or heard enough to be considered a fan. You know the feeling of finding an old pretzel amongst couch cushions, don’t you? Sure, it might be from the 1PM football games, and it’s most definitely not a smart idea to eat it, but you do anyway. And more times than not, it’s satisfying in an empty caloric way. Well, these shows are kind of like that.

Now on to the issue at hand: Have you ever wished there was a movie about what would happen if scientists were successfully able to create a gigantic shark-octopus hybrid, only to watch it turn into a giant killing machine? And what if the quality of the acting fell somewhere between "hastily-produced high school play" and "mediocre porno"? And what if it starred Eric Roberts? Well luckily enough, something exactly like this exists.

Thursday Night TV Time

Just some quick thoughts on the best three hours of TV every week -- other than the 1PM-4PM block on NFL Red Zone every Sunday, of course. Yes, I'm talking about the Thursday night three-hour block of comedy on NBC and FX. Since the four NBC shows premiered last night, and the two FX shows have had two episodes each so far, I thought it was about time for some first impressions of this season. So here's a post about the three hours I spend in front of my TV every Thursday. Well, three of many, I guess. Fuck you all. I'm a grad student now, dammit.

Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza

Shalom! And welcome to The Couchwarmers 1st annual Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza!

I'll keep updating this liveblog all the way through tomorrow at the bottom of this post, so just keep refreshing. Mmmm....sweet, sweet pageviews.

Basically, I'm hoping that doing this will take my mind off of food for at least a little while tomorrow. If nothing else, you'll get to see me spiral down into a state of semi-incoherence as I go an entire day without anything to eat or drink. And now the moment you've been waiting for. Let's get this thing started:

A Weekend Announcement

Did anyone else watching The League last night pause it when they showed the completed draft board and analyze the draft? Yes, Ruxin's team was good, but personally, I really liked Pete and Taco's drafts.

Yom Kippur begins tonight. For all you non-Jews, that's the one where we can't eat all day starting sundown Friday and ending on sundown Saturday. All I know is that if the NFL Draft liveblog taught me anything, it's that time goes by much faster when you're trying to think of something to write about. Therefore, I'd like to announce a special Couchwarmers event: The Couchwarmers 1st Annual Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza!

It'll start with my last bite of food tonight and end when I break the fast tomorrow night. Look for increased incoherence throughout the day. Fun times for all. At least if I don't post for a while, you'll know that it's because I saw a food commercial and passed out from rage.

But now, it's time to get your weekend started off right by watching a time-lapse video. These things get me every time. It's like if they made an episode of Life centered around sports. Or New Jersey.

The One Where I Judge a Barbeque Contest

I'm gonna jump ahead in the textbook and bring you the recap of my weekend as a barbeque judge before my Rogers Centre review. Usually when I want to remember things on day/road trips, I take pictures of them. Later on, I look through all my pictures and remember what I wanted to say. Unfortunately, at these barbeque competitions, only certified photographers and such are allowed to take pictures. So I'll be doing this while the weekend is somewhat fresh in my mind. As a quick refresher, this is how I became a certified barbeque judge.

Before I begin, I'll offer this piece of advice now, as well as at the end of the post: If you love barbeque, become a certified judge. If you read on, you'll understand why.

Labor Day Road Trip, Part II

In case you missed it, here's Part I of my road trip recap. Now, on to Part II:

Labor Day Road Trip, Part I

Here's your aforepromised (a word which isn't actually a word, even though you know exactly what it means) Labor Day Weekend Road Trip Recap. Characters in this saga are me and Adam, a friend from school. We're gonna do this in a few parts, partly because I can, but mostly because I don't feel like writing all of it up now.

Before we start though, I just want everyone to know that karma's gonna come back to get me sometime soon, since on this road trip, everything seemed to go right. We didn't hit any traffic and each of our border crossings delayed us no more than two or three minutes. We cut an hour-long line at the BBQ restaurant in Syracuse. We stumbled across the National Buffalo Wing Festival without even knowing that it was going on. We randomly found the restaurant that was voted to have the best beer selection in Ontario. We saw indoor and outdoor baseball in Toronto, all in one game.

And after that teaser, the highlights of Day 1:

Yes, I'm Still Here

No, I haven't forgotten about you guys. It's just that, you know, I got back from my aforementioned Labor Day road trip after midnight last night and have spent most of today getting ready for my five hours of class tomorrow. That's what happens when you do things, evidently.

Expect Part I of the road trip post to go up sometime on Thursday. Until then, enjoy the song that's been stuck in my head for the past day or so:



Also, it's been pointed out to me that in my pre-camp post, I wrote the following: "So technically, until the middle of August, I'm not a member of the 9.7%. I'll be back from the 90.3% though, and that's a promise."

So I broke a promise to all of you by deciding to something with myself. Again, my most sincere apologies. I'm an awful, awful person. To repent, I shall sit through five straight hours of class tomorrow. Yeah, that'll show me.

Summer Recap, Now with Life Goals 'n Stuff

If a cobra fought a mongoose, who would win?

Rejoice, loyal readers. I'm back. I know that Daniel promised to keep the site alive while I was gone. Well, so much for that. Whatever. I'm back and ready to crank this thing up again. You no longer have to suffer through Daniel's LeBron ramblings. Also, for those of you who follow us on Twitter, I apologize for Daniel ignoring it, unless he was tweeting Matthew Berry asking for fantasy football advice.

Therefore, for hooking The Couchwarmers up to a life support machine and then leaving the room, I'm dedicating the following to video to you:

Links To Pass On

Pretty busy at work today but couldn't resist sharing the following:

1. If you live in Elmhurst, Illionois, you might want to start walking around with your eyes closed...

http://consumerist.com/2010/07/illinois-town-wants-to-outlaw-eye-rolling.html

2. A baby was born with a penis on his back.  Imagine the different positions he'll be able to experiment with when he gets older...

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1273232.ece

3. A black British couple gave birth to a white baby.  You can make your own joke about this one.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3060907/Black-parents-give-birth-to-white-baby.html

4. And finally, on a more serious note, if you haven't tired of this subject yet (and really, you should read these even if you have) here are two articles that pretty much crown LeBron James as the world's biggest asshole.  Enjoy your Wednesday.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=ohlmeyer_don&id=5397113

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news?slug=aw-heatfreeagency071610

Your Jason Whitlock Sycophantic Post

At approximately 3:40 PM this afternoon, Jason Whitlock of foxsports.com fame tweeted that he had a rant aimed at sportswriter Mitch Albom and he was looking for the right forum to post it on. Desperate for some PR (and hits), I tweeted incessantly to Mr. Whitlock to try to get him to consider Couchwarmers. I was beaten to the punch by the folks at Deadspin and The Big Lead. While many others would suspend their pathetic pursuit of celebrity at this point, I put the Couchwarmers above my own pride and, at the suggestion of my friend Ethan, decided to list a few reasons why Jason Whitlock should use the Couchwarmers as the venue for his diatribe.

Last LeBron Post (Unless He Signs With The Knicks)

Somebody explain this to me. Please. For the first time in my 20+ years as a sports fan (or at least since Mathias Kiwanuka inexplicably let go of Vince Young on 4th down and cost the Giants a playoff berth in 2006), I am completely at a loss.

What happened to LeBron James? And perhaps more importantly, what happened to his handlers who had so brilliantly created a narrative about who LeBron James is? LeBron supposedly had the competitive fire of Michael Jordan mixed with the selflessness of Magic Johnson. He was going to singlehandedly return glory to the NBA. He was a kid from Akron, Ohio who ditched high-profile agents, choosing instead to be represented by his hometown pals. Sure he had aspirations to be the first billionaire athlete, but his reputation and attachment to Ohio stood above all.

And that’s what makes this whole circus so dumbfounding.

July 1: D-Day

The Couchwarmers twitter account is your source for all things NBA free agency on this highly-anticipated Thursday. I will be tweeting news and reaction all day long so for those of you who are unable to check a thousand different sports websites at work (like I am), stay tuned.

LeBron to LeBulls?

As I touched on in my last post, midnight tonight will mark the beginning of the most anticipated free agency period in NBA history. Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Joe Johnson, Carlos Boozer, Dirk Nowitzki, Paul Pierce and, oh yeah, LeBron James will test the market, looking for their next big paycheck. The Knicks, my team of choice, have had July 1 circled on their calendar for about two years now, hoping that the bright lights of New York could lure LeBron James (and more) to the Big Apple. As we have neared that fateful date, however, the Knicks' chances of signing a marquee free agent like James or Wade have seemed to dwindle. Talks of LeBron and Bosh heading to Chicago to team up with Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah have heated up. Here's a story that, if true, would put a nail in the Knicks' coffin and make this Bulls #6 jersey a reality.

Weekend Recap, Now with a World Record 215 Underpants

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. For those of you who are upset at having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

USA-Ghana Preview

Dan (not Daniel, but another Dan) was born and raised in California. In today's match, he'll be rooting for Ghana. He has an explanation for this, but it's not a good one. As he is the expert on the Ghanaian soccer team, he's been nice enough to give us a preview of the game:

As the foremost expert on the Ghanaian national soccer team in Sam’s circle of friends, I’ve been asked to write a preview of the upcoming round of 16 match between the US and the Black Stars. I’ve been hooked on Ghanaian soccer ever since the second day I spent studying abroad in Accra, when I got ripped off buying a Ghana jersey and needed to find a way to justify the expense. 

In the interest of full disclosure, I rooted for Ghana when they beat the US 2-1 back in 2006. Despite the cries of “Traitor,” “Terrorist,” “Don’t Tread” and “Give Back Your Passport,” I plan on doing so again on Saturday. I’d go into the reasons why, but either you know me or you probably don’t care that much, so I’ll get on with the preview.

Couch Pretzels: The Magic Bullet Infomercial

A few weeks ago, Peter brought "Couch Pretzels" to The Couchwarmers.  Today, Peter is back for part deux.  Nothing like a commentary on infomercials to fill a Friday afternoon.

The Magic Bullet Infomercial: There are a lot of good possibilities in the infomercial category: Sham-Wow, The Snuggie, anything involving Ron Popeil. But the Magic Bullet wins out because of its ability to provide the audience with just enough narrative to keep us watching—not for the product, but for the characters.

Know Thy Enemy: Algeria

Just thought I'd quickly give you the third part of my aforepromised (no, it's not actually a word, but you know exactly what it means) "Know Thy Enemy" series. Tomorrow the U.S. plays Algeria. A win puts the Americans in the knockout rounds. Since I've been out of the loop for the past few days, I don't know whether or not our soccer guru is going to have anything for you by tomorrow, so this may have to do in terms of a game preview. But isn't it fun to have Daniel back? He'll knock the rust off soon, I promise.

So I did some research on Algeria, and I really don't know what to say. 90% of Algerians live near the coast, because that's really the only livable part of the entire country. That's right, Algeria. Your country is a giant wasteland. Sam Kinison, what do you have to say about this?

I'm Baaaaack

I hope you all enjoyed Sam's tyrannic reign over The Couchwarmers for the past month or so.  If you're still reading, I assume you did...or you just happen to be a member of Sam's family so you're obligated.  Well, for the next two months at least, Sam will be in Maine so that leaves me as the principal voice of the Couchwarmers.  I've been gone a while so, in order to best fill you in some loose ends, let's get an old-fashioned Q&A going, shall we?

USA-Slovenia Preview

We're happy to be joined once again by our soccer guru, Bradley, who's here to preview USA-Slovenia. Spit your gospel, Nostradamus:

A disclaimer before I preview USA-Slovenia: I just had my wisdom teeth removed and am very high on painkillers. I apologize if I make up words, players, or even countries. (Note: Slovenia is in fact a real country, despite it disguising itself as a small village. I am not making this place up, I swear.)

The main word that comes to mind about Friday’s match against Slovenia is “scary”. The US is the favorite, and is expected to take care of business. But this may not be that simple. The USA has a terrible track record of not showing up to play when they are favored to win. Just ask Ghana.

Know Thy Enemy: Slovenia

In advance of each of the USA's World Cup matches, The Couchwarmers are happy to bring you a series called "Know Thy Enemy." If you want insightful match analysis, you're gonna have to look elsewhere -- that's not what this is about. However, if you're looking for jingoistic taunts aimed at antagonizing the other side, welcome. Next up for Uncle Sam, Slovakia Serbia Slovenia: 

I'll be honest with you, I didn't know too much about Slovenia before I started writing this up, so I did some research. Well, after poring over Wikipedia and Googling "slovene stereotypes," I've come to the realization that Slovenia is boring. Like, really, really fucking boring. Shove-a-hammer-and-sickle-through-your-eye boring.

Need examples? Well, here are some facts from a travel guide:

Summer State of The Couchwarmers

As I've previously referenced, today I head up to Maine for the next two months for my summer job as a camp counselor. Yes, these are the only two months out of the year where I work, but they also happen to be my favorite two months out of the year. So technically, until the middle of August, I'm not a member of the 9.7%. I'll be back from the 90.3% though, and that's a promise.

Many of you have asked, "What's going to happen to The Couchwarmers while you're away?"

An Answer to the Salt Problem

New research has suggested that people who load their food up with salt might not have weak taste buds. In fact, the exact opposite could be true -- that people who love salt might be so called "supertasters," people who experience tastes more intensely than other people do. That's right, people -- my taste buds are strong. Too strong.

Like many of you, I load up my food with heaping piles of salt. Of course, every time someone sees me turn a salt shaker upside down and go after it like I'm using a Shake Weight, they give me the obligatory, "You know you shouldn't be eating that much salt, right?"

Summer TV Preview

Personally, I won't be enjoying this summer's new TV, since I'll be off in the Maine wilderness for the next two months. Fear not though -- I'll still be posting sporadically and hopefully getting some help from the disembodied head of Daniel. More on that tomorrow, though.

Really, the summer is when you should be catching up on old shows. Breaking Bad just finished its third season, and I maintain that it's the best show on TV right now. If you have time to watch 30 episodes of something this summer, that's where you should start. If you need more, you could always see what all the fuss was about with LOST or start watching Dexter in preparation for this fall's Season 5. But if you're looking for new TV options this summer now that all the regular shows have ended, here are a few to consider:

Guest Post: A Golf Hypothetical

Today's guest post comes to us from Jamie, a friend of The Couchwarmers. It was sent to me Sunday night, so by the time you read this, he will have already either failed miserably or partially succeeded in his attempt to become the most famous golfer ever in the history of the sport. He also poses an interesting hypothetical at the end, which I know will stir up some lively debate in the comments. Jamie, it's all yours:

Tomorrow at 7AM at the Golf Club of New England I will tee off for my first competitive round of golf since my father dragged me to our local country club to enter a junior event when I was eight years old. Growing up, my parents were avid golfers, but I tended to concentrate on the more “popular” sports (e.g., soccer, basketball, and baseball). My golf exposure was limited to the random times I would play with my Dad, where I would close my eyes, swing as hard as I could, and hope I would make decent contact.

Bear vs. Shark: The Final Verdict

In a match that was decided by a single vote, the winner is....The Shark!

Shark     51%
Bear       49%

Down goes Bear! Down goes Bear!

And just like the last time, The Couchwarmers are in total agreement with this verdict.

USA-England Recap

Bradley, our resident soccer expert, will be here throughout the World Cup, providing previews and recaps for the U.S. matches. Today, he's back for an analysis of USA's glorious tie over England. And yes, as he won't hesitate to tell you, he was one Michael Bradley goal away from a perfect pre-game prediction. He's like a soccer Nostradamus -- or a miniature Buddha covered in hair. I cede the floor to you, soccer guru:

“If you buy a ticket, sometimes....you win a raffle”.

This fantastic commentating comes from Martin Tyler, who couldn’t have described this terrible goal better. It was a gift from the Gods, in a game that felt like it was already lost. If you had offered me a 1-1 draw before this game started, I would have taken it, no question. In the 4th minute, when Ricardo Clark decided marking Steven Gerrard was not important, I would have sold my left kidney to get a point out of that game. Probably my right too. This was a fantastic result for the U-S-A. The New York Times had it right in their headline: USA WINS 1-1.

Weekend Recap, Now with Vuvuzelas

BUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZ. BUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. BUUUUZZZZZZZZZZ.

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. For those of you who are upset at having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

BUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. BUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZ.

Remember that? Wasn't that awesome? Let's recap:

Last Call For Bear vs. Shark

We can all agree that the abomination of God shown on the right might be the world's most perfect killing machine. However, bearsharks only exist in our collective imagination. Therefore, for the past few days, we've had you vote.

Consider this your last call to vote if you haven't yet. Voting closes tonight. This race is close. Extremely close. So every vote counts. Make your bear growl or equally-as-intimidating shark noise heard.

England Preview: The One with Actual Soccer Knowledge

This guest post comes to us from Bradley, who unlike me, actually knows a lot about soccer. He's here to preview today's World Cup match between England and the U.S. I hope you're ready to get hit with some soccer knowledge:

When the World Cup draws came out, English newspaper headlines read:

Very clever, England. You still refer to us as Yanks, reminding yourselves of a pathetic defeat to your very own colony. You see, it is incredibly enjoyable to make fun of England, as Sam has already so eloquently done. But while tea and Hugh Grant do suck, it is not my job to rip on England, but rather to prove how they will lose from a soccer standpoint. On Saturday, the USA will once again be victorious. Really. Here's why:

Know Thy Enemy: England

In advance of each of the USA's World Cup matches, The Couchwarmers are happy to bring you a new series called "Know Thy Enemy." If you want insightful match analysis, you're gonna have to look elsewhere -- that's not what this is about. However, if you're looking for jingoistic taunts aimed at antagonizing the other side, welcome. First up for Uncle Sam, those foppish dandies from across the pond: 

The U.S. takes on England tomorrow at 2:30PM, in what has to be the one of the most eagerly anticipated matches in U.S. history. Of course, I'm sure you all remember what happened the last time the U.S. played England:

What about the time before that?

The Most Dramatic Conference Realignment Plan You'll Hear

I don't know about you, but I'm loving this whole NCAA conference realignment thing. This might be the most excited I've been about college sports in a long time, save for a recent NCAA basketball championship. Basically, these schools are deciding on the future face of college sports. In addition, there's the added drama of a few big-name colleges (e.g., Kansas) potentially being left out in the cold by other schools' defections.

The rumors are flying: Big 12 schools are leaving for the Pac-10, Big 10, and/or the SEC; additionally, the SEC might possibly be plundering schools from other conferences as well. Some decisions are supposed to come down today.

People are saying that with these new conferences, the NCAA won't be necessary anymore. These mega-conferences will be free to create their own inter-conference championship games, finally ridding college football of the BCS. There will be much dancing and joyous celebration in the streets. People will light small fires and happily dance around them in circles.

Why Golden Tate Stole the Maple Bars

Hell, after watching this, I would too. This place looks incredible. Keep an eye out for Golden's maple bars at the 4:59 mark.

Why NCAA Violations Keep Happening

The big piece of news coming out of the NCAA today (you know, other than that whole "conference shake-up that will change the face of college sports") is that "the University of Southern California has received a two-year bowl ban and a sharp loss of football scholarships in a report on the NCAA's four-year investigation of the school. The NCAA cited USC for a lack of institutional control Thursday in its long-awaited report, which detailed numerous violations primarily involving Heisman Trophy-winning tailback Reggie Bush and men's basketball player O.J. Mayo. The violations, which span almost four years, primarily involved 'agent and amateurism issues for a former football student-athlete and a former men's basketball student-athlete,' the NCAA wrote in its report."

The NCAA also sanctioned USC's women's tennis team for violations. This came as no surprise to anyone though. Like myself, I know many of you have been saying for years that NCAA women's tennis is COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.

But back to the top story -- basically, OJ Mayo and Reggie Bush were receiving money from agents while playing for the Trojans, and USC either knew or "should have known" that it was going on. So for the next two years, USC is basically playing for nothing but pride. This is something that's going to take years, at the very least, for the USC program to recover from. But what about the athletes in question? What happens to them?

Woe Is Youse Guys: Stanley Cup Edition

Fans of all that is right in the world can relax -- the Flyers didn't win the Stanley Cup. Maybe fans in Detroit and other hockey cities in the midwest are upset that Chicago won, but I'd have to think that most of the country is very happy with this result. Especially me. God, I hate the Flyers.

Why? Because they're all thugs. And criminals. And horse rapists. But mostly because they're all thugs. And Dan Carcillo's moustache is disgusting.

What Should I Make For Dinner?

I'm serious. I need ideas. Those of you who knew me a few years ago may remember me as the guy who was happy to pop something in the microwave and call it a meal. On nights that I was feeling really adventurous, my George Foreman Grill and a badly-formed burger patty passed as gourmet. But in the past year or two, with all the free time I have, I've decided to learn how to cook.

When you have all the free time in the world, cooking just makes sense. It takes time out of your day. Homemade food is always better than store-bought. But most importantly, you've actually done something on any given day if you've cooked. It's not unlike a toddler dropping a deuce in the toilet and proudly showing his parents what he's done -- it's just that in my case, instead of a steaming pile of shit, it's a steaming pile of food. In a few hours, it's all the same thing anyway.

My New Favorite Athlete

Fans like athletes they can relate to. Sure, we may idolize those who train ten hours a day and don't eat anything that hasn't been scrutinized by a team of nutritionalists, but we can never fully connect with them. They're not like us. When it comes down to it, there is a certain sense of satisfaction that comes with knowing a celebrity does the same things that you do.

With this background, I present to you my new favorite athlete who doesn't actually play for one of my teams: Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Golden Tate. You see, last weekend, Tate was a little hungry at 3am. So what did he do? Did he order a pizza? Did he head out to an all-nite diner? No, and no. Those both would have been satisfying, lawful options -- yet what Tate did was both satisfying and illegal. Yes, at 3am last weekend, Golden Tate broke into a donut shop.

Couch Pretzels: Jack Van Impe Presents

Today's guest post comes to us from Peter (not Little George, but a different Peter). He's even been nice enough to write the introduction for the first in what we hope will be a continuing series. In Couch Pretzels, we'll unearth diamond-in-the-rough TV shows and other forms of entertainment so that you too can enjoy them as much as we do. Peter, the floor is yours:

We all come across shows by accident. Sometimes, you develop an odd fascination with them, often because they are a train wreck, other times because they are just entertaining in a way you can’t explain. You probably shouldn’t waste time with them, but you do anyway. Soon you realized you’ve watched or heard enough to be considered a fan.

In the spirit of The Couchwarmers motto to “catch everything that falls between the cushions,” I present to you the first installment of “Couch Pretzels.” You know the feeling of finding an old pretzel amongst the cushions, don’t you? Sure, it might be from the 1pm football games, and it’s most definitely not a smart idea to eat it, but you do anyway. And more times than not, it’s satisfying in an empty caloric way. Well, these shows are kind of like that.

Rex Wiltshire Knows Your Mom

I'm driving back up to New York today, so I'm not gonna have much for you. Although I will leave you with a commercial for a tattoo parlor that's been getting some play here in Richmond recently. Keep an eye out for Rex Wiltshire's opinion on tramp stamps and the double-shrug he gives at the end while making a joke about your mom. These are definitely the kind of guys I want permanently altering the appearance of my body.



Coming this afternoon: a guest post!

Weekend Recap, Now with Glorious Steak Aroma

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. For those of you who are upset at having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face. You'll have to click it in order to read the small print, but trust me -- it's worth it:

Now, on to the recap:

What Happened at the Bachelor Party

A good weekend all-around. Bachelor party was a lot of fun. Here's what went on:



That's right. You're not getting a word from me. Keep checking back for the weekend recap.

Ridiculous Hypotheticals: Bear vs. Shark

In case you missed Part I, here's everything you need to know. Basically, we asked you guys if a bear and a shark fought to the death, who would win? We gave you a chance to voice your opinions before we put it to a vote, and the emails were everything we had hoped for. Also, I was bored, so I created my own interpretation of "bear vs. shark in neutral territory," as you'll see in the picture above.

Without further ado, the arguments:

Erin's Take on Bear vs. Shark

This Bear vs. Shark submission comes to us from Erin, a friend of The Couchwarmers. Due to both length and thoroughness of research, we feel that it requires its own post. We strongly encourage you to read on before coming to a final verdict:

Just Say No To Ice

First off, I'd like to thank Carter for designing our new Couchwarmers logo. I think it's perfect. She said it was much better than doing actual work, and for that, we're eternally grateful. Although I'm still trying to figure out what to put in the blank spaces to either side of the logo. Little George suggested we hold a contest asking people to submit designs of things that they want there, but I told him I didn't think we'd get any submissions. If you want to prove me wrong, I'd love to see it.

Also, this is the last call for Bear vs. Shark submissions. The arguments will be posted and voting will open sometime this weekend. If you want to be able to influence the voting masses, go ahead and make your opinion known. Now to the issue at hand:

Why Kendry Shouldn't Have Happened

A few days ago, Angels first baseman Kendry Morales hit a walk-off grand slam. He happily ran all the way around the bases, threw off his helmet, jumped onto home plate, and promptly broke his leg. He's most likely done for the season.

So now, a big deal is being made over walk-off celebrations. You know, the kind of thing where the person who had a game-winning hit goes flying at full speed into the middle of a group of teammates, who then jump up and down and repeatedly smack the game's hero in the head. I know what you're thinking: there is no way that something like that could end poorly.

Free Donuts For All

First off, May's numbers are in, and the unemployment rate has a very familiar feel to it. I like it, and not only because it fell. Something just feels right about being part of the 9.7%. So to you, unemployment rate, I say this: don't change. Don't ever change.

Also, happy National Donut Day! Head on out to a Krispy Kreme or something to celebrate -- they'll be giving away free donuts all day. Just remember I alerted you to this the next time you ask yourself what we've ever done for you. Now that we've taken down our original tagline, I think we may have found a replacement -- The Couchwarmers: Read Us and Get Free Donuts. I like it.

A Night With The Flying Squirrels

A few days ago, I mentioned that I was taking a long Amtrak ride. For those of you wondering, I’m in Richmond, VA for the week. Yes, the town where I grew up. It’s a wonderful place to live if you enjoy Civil War memorials. If you don’t, then you’re pretty much going to have to make your own fun. I’m here because I have a bachelor party to go to this weekend, but I thought I’d spend a few days back home around the festivities.

Tonight, I’m heading down to The Diamond to see our brand-new minor-league baseball team, the Richmond Flying Squirrels, who are the Double-A affiliate of the San Francisco Giants. Yes, it’ll be fun, but this will also be a major challenge for me.

The Perfect Game That Wasn't

Last night, for a split second, Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga had pitched the 21st perfect game in Major League Baseball history. 27 batters up, 27 batters down. Then, with one outstretched arm motion, umpire Jim Joyce wiped it from the record books. Today, there are a lot of angry people, but strangely enough, this might end up being a very good thing for baseball.

No, I'm not here to skewer Joyce. Sure, his blown call was an egregiously bad one, but he's human. He'll make mistakes. He just happened to make a very bad one at one of the worst possible times. As badly as I feel for Galarraga, I feel just as bad for Joyce. This isn't a blown call that people will forget about -- most likely, this will define his career. Although to his credit, Joyce accepted full blame for his mistake, and to his credit, Galarraga, who had every right to be upset, took the high road and graciously accepted Joyce's apology.

Delaware Is Not One To Get Emotional

Sure they're upset about the perfect game that wasn't, but you have to think that most of their anger is directed at the fact that they're living in Delaware. That definitely puts things in perspective.

The Clambake

From a story perspective, there really isn't much of one from this weekend's events. No one fell in the fire. No one got arrested. A good story should have at least rising action and a riveting climax. Me trying to tell the entire story of this past weekend's clambake would come off as a "I had fun and all of you should be jealous" post. That's not what this is for. That's what Facebook photo albums are for. But for those of you who have never been to a clambake, you can look at this as a simple instructional guide if you ever want to put on a clambake of your own. And if you do, invite me. Because clambakes are fucking awesome.

First, a picture of the finished product:

Or more specifically, this is the finished product:

Guest Post: Obama and the Oil Spill

This post comes from Mike, a friend of The Couchwarmers. Thankfully, he's into current events, because I most definitely am not. For me, "current events" means what I'm eating for dinner. Mike's post uses this column as its basis. All opinions expressed are those of the writer, because, well -- let's face it, when it comes to politics, I don't have any. Mike, take it away:

I like Peggy Noonan's writing a lot, and think this is dead on. Okay, I know she writes for the Wall Street Journal, but she's reasonable and thoughtful. Regardless, at some point, the campaign-like Obama worship has got to stop and intelligent moderate views must prevail. There have to be expectations for his presidency besides passing costly, watered down legislation that will need revision down the road. Personally, I love reading both the New York Times and Wall Street Journal to actually know what is going on in the middle and reality. Synergy.

This Has Nothing To Do With Anything

And now, a little bit of license plate-related entertainment, courtesy of the car in front of me. For the record, I'm incredibly proud of myself for managing to get a picture with my phone while I drove. 

Go me.

Your Summer TV Best Bet

With all of the standard TV shows either having ended for the season already or ending in the next week or two, we're quickly approaching summer TV time. You know, that dreaded time when networks trot out remaining episodes of cancelled programs alongside game shows that are venturing closer and closer to Japanese game show territory.

I'll try to put a full summer show primer up sometime in the next week or so, but right now, all you really need to know about is what has consistently been the best summer show over the past few years. Yes, Hell's Kitchen premieres at 8PM tonight on Fox. You're right if you think it's a stupid show -- it is. But that's what you get when you hold a cooking contest between people who can't really cook. Although if you enjoy dumb people getting verbally abused by an angry British man, this is right up your alley. Give it a try.

I'm on a train for seven hours tomorrow, or maybe ten hours if Amtrak gives me what I've come to expect from them. For this reason, we're giving you guys a guest post tomorrow morning. Plus, if I get around to it tonight, I'll have the clambake recap all ready to go tomorrow. If not, you're just gonna have to live with it.

Weekend Recap, Now with the Bizarro Invention Bracket

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. I hope all of you had a great Memorial Day weekend. In honor of this special Tuesday Weekend Recap, for those of you who are upset about having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

I'm gonna have to start changing that last part soon, though. In honor of summer vacation, school won't be in that last sentence for much longer. Those of you earning a steady paycheck, on the other hand -- that just sucks for you. Well, you know what I mean. Let's recap:

Ridiculous Hypotheticals: Bear vs. Shark

After a mildly successful Ridiculous Hypothetical #1, The Couchwarmers are happy to bring you the second installment in what we hope will become a recurring series here. This one goes back to a scholarly debate that would come up somewhat frequently while I was at school. After graduation, I brought this question to some friends at my job. Several new rounds of heated deliberation followed.

While we all had our opinions though, this question has never been decided scientifically (you know, by website voting). Therefore, I think it's about time we settled this one once and for all. Today's question:

If a bear fought a shark in neutral territory, who would win?

The explanations and ground rules:

From Pork Chops to Clambakes

This weekend, I head up to a friend's house in New Hampshire for a legit New England clambake -- you know, the one where they cook up lobsters, steamers, etc. with the seaweed and everything. It sounds absolutely perfect, except for the profuse case of the seafood sweats I'm sure to get by the time I'm on my second lobster. Whatever. It's gonna be awesome. Yet another experience to cross off my list. When I wake up from my food coma, I'll have a full recap for you.

Now occupying the top spot on my bucket list of eating experiences: a pig pickin'. If you or anyone you know is having one, drop me a line. I spent the first twenty-one years of my life in the south and I still haven't crossed it off my list. That's just embarrassing.

But whether you're spending this glorious Memorial Day weekend at a clambake, a pig pickin', or whatever they do out west, I hope it's a great one. Yes, my friends, this is the official unofficial start of summer. And that makes The Couchwarmers very, very happy.

An Interview with the Pork Chop Guy

Evidently the pork chop wasn't the only thing he stole last night -- yes, a FOX Sports microphone was also on the list, as you'll see in this video. First, Pork Chop Guy interviews Bizarro Jon Gosselin, who manages to bring strip clubs into the conversation. Then, watch as PCG polishes off the last bites of his stolen pork chop. Finally, after being told that he was going to be a YouTube sensation, PCG's final words: "I'm gonna sell t-shirts."

Would I buy a Pork Chop Guy t-shirt? Maybe. Would I try to get one sent to Kim Jones? Absolutely.



Thanks for reading The Couchwarmers, your news source for everything Pork Chop Guy-related.

My Final LOST Post

After re-watching the entire finale yesterday, it's time for a final post on the matter. This basically is just one gigantic spoiler though, so I'm putting it after the jump to save those of you who are still holding out. You're welcome.

Attack of the Hungry Rando

Kim Jones of the YES Network was talking about all the wonderful new food options at Target Field, such as the always delicious pork chop on a stick, when all of a sudden, a Yankees fan crept up behind her and OM NOM NOM NOM. Michael Kay sounds repulsed, but in my opinion, he's just jealous that someone else got to Kim Jones' porkchop before he did. Here's the video:



UPDATE: Major League Baseball made me take it down! I'm important! Hooray!!!

A Call for Guest Writers

Recently, some of you have asked me, "Sam, how can I get a guest post on The Couchwarmers?"

Well, ask no more. I'm making an executive decision here. As long as you have an idea that's funny and/or interesting, you're in. Just as CNN has its iReports, which is basically a way for them to get other people to do the work that CNN is supposed to be doing, I have you guys.

I know you have ideas. I've heard them. I've even probably stolen a few of them. But if you guys want your say, I'm opening up the floor. Now, a brief FAQ:

Sean Avery's Tuesday Night Hat Trick

Sean may not be playing hockey again until October, but it's good to know he's still finding ways to keep himself in shape. Yes, clicking on that link brings you to this picture of three girls in bathrobes. Or possibly two girls and one dude in bathrobes.

It's also important that Sean led off his tweet with the smiley face -- that's how he lets us know that it went well. Without that, I'd be stuck here worrying that Sean Avery had a night of bad four-way sex. Thank God for that smiley.

Or maybe Sean was going for the after-dark version of the Gordie Howe hat trick: Pleasuring one of them, assisting another in pleasuring herself, and punching the third in the face. That would definitely explain the one in the middle.

The Wisdom of a New York Super Bowl

New York/New Jersey was awarded the 2014 Super Bowl yesterday. Background: it's cold in the northeast in February and people are upset.

Here's the thing, though: Football is an outdoor game. The fact that The Super Bowl has been played in a sterilized environment for the last couple of decades doesn't make sense. Sure, the people watching won't be as comfortable in below-freezing weather, but I have a feeling that if you're going to be in the stands at the Super Bowl in the first place, you won't mind that your toes are a little cold. Maybe this is even a good thing: corporate types, like mosquitoes, are killed off by cold weather. Maybe the crowds at The NY/NJ Super Bowl will be less corporate and more full of die-hards. I say that's good for the game.

This Summer's Best Movie

No doubt many of you are looking forward to the all the movies coming out this summer. From Inception to The A-Team to another stupid Twilight film, the only thing you won't have at theaters this summer is a lack of options. Well, I'm here to help you avoid the high-budget bombs and God-awful Nicolas Cage films in order to steer you towards the best movie you'll see all summer.

In case you don't know him yet, I'd like to introduce you to Jack Rebney. Consider these videos NSFW-WH (not safe for work without headphones):