How To Gloat After Winning Your Fantasy League

After what seems like an eternity playing fantasy football, I finally won a league this year. The following is an email I sent to the rest of the league shortly after the championship game concluded. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, feel free to use this basic template to rub your victory in the faces of the rest of the league. Basically, it's like a taunting Mad Lib. Fill in the blanks where necessary:

(Number of years in the league) seasons, countless hours spent provoking (Owner #1) via email, and several emotionally-conflicting (quarterback who you own but plays for a rival team) touchdown passes later and all I have to say is this: it's about fucking time.

Watch as the Metrodome Roof Collapses

From the videos-you-need-to-see department: This morning, they had cameras rolling inside of the Metrodome as snow caused the roof to cave in. The part with the big thing of snow getting dumped on the field at about 0:17 looks completely CGI, but it's most definitely not.



For what it's worth, I think they should have played the game today anyway. It's not like the pile of snow would have been any tougher to get past than the Giants' defensive line.

It's Goddamn Snack Time!

Take solace, Jets fans. After the 45-3 whooping delivered to the Jets by the Patriots a few nights ago, you can now get your revenge in video game form. I give you: Goddamn Snack Time. If you're playing it at work or at school, just make sure the volume's off. If you're playing it in the comfort of your own home, crank it up. The Rex-isms make it that much more enjoyable. Much like The Couchwarmers, it's good for killing a few minutes at work. And when it all comes down to it, isn't that why you're here?

Also, I didn't realize this until the third time I played, but you actually have to eat Tom Brady -- simply jumping to avoid the footballs won't do the trick. Just so you're aware.

Using Your Head

"If I get a chance to knock somebody out, I'm going to knock them out and take what they give me. They give me a helmet, I'm going to use it." --Dolphins Linebacker Channing Crowder

I'm sure that many of you who read this article probably laughed at Crowder's comments and brushed him off as being as idiot. And yes, Channing Crowder is an idiot. But unintentionally, Crowder makes a great point.

A Weekend Announcement

Did anyone else watching The League last night pause it when they showed the completed draft board and analyze the draft? Yes, Ruxin's team was good, but personally, I really liked Pete and Taco's drafts.

Yom Kippur begins tonight. For all you non-Jews, that's the one where we can't eat all day starting sundown Friday and ending on sundown Saturday. All I know is that if the NFL Draft liveblog taught me anything, it's that time goes by much faster when you're trying to think of something to write about. Therefore, I'd like to announce a special Couchwarmers event: The Couchwarmers 1st Annual Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza!

It'll start with my last bite of food tonight and end when I break the fast tomorrow night. Look for increased incoherence throughout the day. Fun times for all. At least if I don't post for a while, you'll know that it's because I saw a food commercial and passed out from rage.

But now, it's time to get your weekend started off right by watching a time-lapse video. These things get me every time. It's like if they made an episode of Life centered around sports. Or New Jersey.

The Most Dramatic Conference Realignment Plan You'll Hear

I don't know about you, but I'm loving this whole NCAA conference realignment thing. This might be the most excited I've been about college sports in a long time, save for a recent NCAA basketball championship. Basically, these schools are deciding on the future face of college sports. In addition, there's the added drama of a few big-name colleges (e.g., Kansas) potentially being left out in the cold by other schools' defections.

The rumors are flying: Big 12 schools are leaving for the Pac-10, Big 10, and/or the SEC; additionally, the SEC might possibly be plundering schools from other conferences as well. Some decisions are supposed to come down today.

People are saying that with these new conferences, the NCAA won't be necessary anymore. These mega-conferences will be free to create their own inter-conference championship games, finally ridding college football of the BCS. There will be much dancing and joyous celebration in the streets. People will light small fires and happily dance around them in circles.

Why NCAA Violations Keep Happening

The big piece of news coming out of the NCAA today (you know, other than that whole "conference shake-up that will change the face of college sports") is that "the University of Southern California has received a two-year bowl ban and a sharp loss of football scholarships in a report on the NCAA's four-year investigation of the school. The NCAA cited USC for a lack of institutional control Thursday in its long-awaited report, which detailed numerous violations primarily involving Heisman Trophy-winning tailback Reggie Bush and men's basketball player O.J. Mayo. The violations, which span almost four years, primarily involved 'agent and amateurism issues for a former football student-athlete and a former men's basketball student-athlete,' the NCAA wrote in its report."

The NCAA also sanctioned USC's women's tennis team for violations. This came as no surprise to anyone though. Like myself, I know many of you have been saying for years that NCAA women's tennis is COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.

But back to the top story -- basically, OJ Mayo and Reggie Bush were receiving money from agents while playing for the Trojans, and USC either knew or "should have known" that it was going on. So for the next two years, USC is basically playing for nothing but pride. This is something that's going to take years, at the very least, for the USC program to recover from. But what about the athletes in question? What happens to them?

My New Favorite Athlete

Fans like athletes they can relate to. Sure, we may idolize those who train ten hours a day and don't eat anything that hasn't been scrutinized by a team of nutritionalists, but we can never fully connect with them. They're not like us. When it comes down to it, there is a certain sense of satisfaction that comes with knowing a celebrity does the same things that you do.

With this background, I present to you my new favorite athlete who doesn't actually play for one of my teams: Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Golden Tate. You see, last weekend, Tate was a little hungry at 3am. So what did he do? Did he order a pizza? Did he head out to an all-nite diner? No, and no. Those both would have been satisfying, lawful options -- yet what Tate did was both satisfying and illegal. Yes, at 3am last weekend, Golden Tate broke into a donut shop.

The Wisdom of a New York Super Bowl

New York/New Jersey was awarded the 2014 Super Bowl yesterday. Background: it's cold in the northeast in February and people are upset.

Here's the thing, though: Football is an outdoor game. The fact that The Super Bowl has been played in a sterilized environment for the last couple of decades doesn't make sense. Sure, the people watching won't be as comfortable in below-freezing weather, but I have a feeling that if you're going to be in the stands at the Super Bowl in the first place, you won't mind that your toes are a little cold. Maybe this is even a good thing: corporate types, like mosquitoes, are killed off by cold weather. Maybe the crowds at The NY/NJ Super Bowl will be less corporate and more full of die-hards. I say that's good for the game.