Ridiculous Hypotheticals: Bear vs. Shark

After a mildly successful Ridiculous Hypothetical #1, The Couchwarmers are happy to bring you the second installment in what we hope will become a recurring series here. This one goes back to a scholarly debate that would come up somewhat frequently while I was at school. After graduation, I brought this question to some friends at my job. Several new rounds of heated deliberation followed.

While we all had our opinions though, this question has never been decided scientifically (you know, by website voting). Therefore, I think it's about time we settled this one once and for all. Today's question:

If a bear fought a shark in neutral territory, who would win?

The explanations and ground rules:

From Pork Chops to Clambakes

This weekend, I head up to a friend's house in New Hampshire for a legit New England clambake -- you know, the one where they cook up lobsters, steamers, etc. with the seaweed and everything. It sounds absolutely perfect, except for the profuse case of the seafood sweats I'm sure to get by the time I'm on my second lobster. Whatever. It's gonna be awesome. Yet another experience to cross off my list. When I wake up from my food coma, I'll have a full recap for you.

Now occupying the top spot on my bucket list of eating experiences: a pig pickin'. If you or anyone you know is having one, drop me a line. I spent the first twenty-one years of my life in the south and I still haven't crossed it off my list. That's just embarrassing.

But whether you're spending this glorious Memorial Day weekend at a clambake, a pig pickin', or whatever they do out west, I hope it's a great one. Yes, my friends, this is the official unofficial start of summer. And that makes The Couchwarmers very, very happy.

An Interview with the Pork Chop Guy

Evidently the pork chop wasn't the only thing he stole last night -- yes, a FOX Sports microphone was also on the list, as you'll see in this video. First, Pork Chop Guy interviews Bizarro Jon Gosselin, who manages to bring strip clubs into the conversation. Then, watch as PCG polishes off the last bites of his stolen pork chop. Finally, after being told that he was going to be a YouTube sensation, PCG's final words: "I'm gonna sell t-shirts."

Would I buy a Pork Chop Guy t-shirt? Maybe. Would I try to get one sent to Kim Jones? Absolutely.



Thanks for reading The Couchwarmers, your news source for everything Pork Chop Guy-related.

My Final LOST Post

After re-watching the entire finale yesterday, it's time for a final post on the matter. This basically is just one gigantic spoiler though, so I'm putting it after the jump to save those of you who are still holding out. You're welcome.

Attack of the Hungry Rando

Kim Jones of the YES Network was talking about all the wonderful new food options at Target Field, such as the always delicious pork chop on a stick, when all of a sudden, a Yankees fan crept up behind her and OM NOM NOM NOM. Michael Kay sounds repulsed, but in my opinion, he's just jealous that someone else got to Kim Jones' porkchop before he did. Here's the video:



UPDATE: Major League Baseball made me take it down! I'm important! Hooray!!!

A Call for Guest Writers

Recently, some of you have asked me, "Sam, how can I get a guest post on The Couchwarmers?"

Well, ask no more. I'm making an executive decision here. As long as you have an idea that's funny and/or interesting, you're in. Just as CNN has its iReports, which is basically a way for them to get other people to do the work that CNN is supposed to be doing, I have you guys.

I know you have ideas. I've heard them. I've even probably stolen a few of them. But if you guys want your say, I'm opening up the floor. Now, a brief FAQ:

Sean Avery's Tuesday Night Hat Trick

Sean may not be playing hockey again until October, but it's good to know he's still finding ways to keep himself in shape. Yes, clicking on that link brings you to this picture of three girls in bathrobes. Or possibly two girls and one dude in bathrobes.

It's also important that Sean led off his tweet with the smiley face -- that's how he lets us know that it went well. Without that, I'd be stuck here worrying that Sean Avery had a night of bad four-way sex. Thank God for that smiley.

Or maybe Sean was going for the after-dark version of the Gordie Howe hat trick: Pleasuring one of them, assisting another in pleasuring herself, and punching the third in the face. That would definitely explain the one in the middle.

The Wisdom of a New York Super Bowl

New York/New Jersey was awarded the 2014 Super Bowl yesterday. Background: it's cold in the northeast in February and people are upset.

Here's the thing, though: Football is an outdoor game. The fact that The Super Bowl has been played in a sterilized environment for the last couple of decades doesn't make sense. Sure, the people watching won't be as comfortable in below-freezing weather, but I have a feeling that if you're going to be in the stands at the Super Bowl in the first place, you won't mind that your toes are a little cold. Maybe this is even a good thing: corporate types, like mosquitoes, are killed off by cold weather. Maybe the crowds at The NY/NJ Super Bowl will be less corporate and more full of die-hards. I say that's good for the game.

This Summer's Best Movie

No doubt many of you are looking forward to the all the movies coming out this summer. From Inception to The A-Team to another stupid Twilight film, the only thing you won't have at theaters this summer is a lack of options. Well, I'm here to help you avoid the high-budget bombs and God-awful Nicolas Cage films in order to steer you towards the best movie you'll see all summer.

In case you don't know him yet, I'd like to introduce you to Jack Rebney. Consider these videos NSFW-WH (not safe for work without headphones):

The One Where You Show Off Your Music Knowledge

Alright, it's time to put this thing to work for me again. In preparation for this weekend's mini-road trip (more details to come in the upcoming days), I'm putting together a few playlists for the drive. One of them is entirely of covers, but unfortunately, I only have about ten songs so far. Anyone out there got any suggestions for good covers that I probably haven't found yet?

To get you started, after the jump, two covers that are already on the playlist. In addition, you'll get to hear Morgan Freeman doing spoken word Barenaked Ladies. If that doesn't get you to click "Read more," I really don't know what will.

Fun with Facebook

Recently, there have been a lot of concerns over the privacy, or lack thereof, of people's personal information on Facebook. People are worried that information they post on Facebook, even though they mean it to be private, will be shared with the world. To this I say: well....yeah. I'm not posting anything I don't want to get out there. In fact, the majority of the time, I'm just using it to post Couchwarmers updates.

I avoided signing up for Facebook for over a year after other people at my school started joining for just this reason. In all fairness, I was kind of kidding at the time when I said, "They're just gonna use this to track all of us. I'm staying off the grid." Now, I guess there's much more truth to that than I originally believed. But if random people are reading my shameless plugs, I could really give a crap.

Which brings me to the point of this post. No, I'm not here to give warnings about sharing personal info or talk about how evil Facebook is. I'm here to show you how you can benefit from other people not knowing how to set their privacy controls. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: OpenBook.

Yes, a way to see the status updates of complete strangers. Want to see who's recently talked about a vaginal rash? Just search for it. Want more ideas for good searches? Here you go! Remember though, with great power comes great responsibilty. Unless of course, they haven't set their privacy controls. Then it's all fair game. Go nuts.

Weekend Recap, Now with Irony (But Not Really)

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. For those of you upset about having to start another week of work/school, and with a nod to Danica Patrick, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

Yes, Danica Patrick was booed yesterday after Indy 500 qualifying when she blamed her team for her shitty driving. I believe I've already made my joke here.

Digesting LOST

The weekend recap's gonna come later today. I'm still digesting and attempting to pass the LOST finale. It was definitely a lot to handle. Right now, my Facebook news feed has varying opinions on it -- everything from that it "fucking sucked" to that it was the "best finale I've ever seen." For the record, I fall closer to the "best finale" side of the spectrum, although I'm not willing to go that far. I thought it was good. Nothing incredibly groundbreaking, but after some thought, I've realized that it left me satisfied. They definitely could have done worse.

Sure, not every single question was answered, but you can at least use a reasonable theory to explain all of the big ones, and that works for me. With all the garbage near the middle of the show, the writers kind of wrote themselves into a corner. Yeah, they probably had to walk all over a few of their words to get out, but they tread carefully and were able to leave most of their previous work undisturbed.

And yes, I've also heard several theories as to what actually happened and what everything actually meant. So as not to post any spoilers on the front page, I'm putting them after the jump. Also, more Evangeline Lilly:

LOST Finale Odds

Sunday night is the 2½-hour LOST finale. I think this calls for an Evangeline Lilly picture and some odds for how the show will end. First, the picture:

Good stuff. Now, the odds:

1:1     --  They kill the smoke monster

2:1     --  The separate timelines converge

9:2     --  Everyone dies

8:1     --  Everyone who died comes back to life

11:1   --  It was all a dream/hallucination

17:1   --  The smoke monster wins and the world ends

50:1   --  Orgy

52:1   --  Gangbang

700:1 --  Orgy/gangbang involving the smoke monster

Or as I've taken to calling it, "smokkake." I'm considering putting a dollar on it, you know....just in case. Happy watching.

UPDATE: I've just been informed that I forgot to include a "none of the above" option. Completely valid point. I'd probably set the odds for "The Field" at 1:5. But once again, if neither side dies and it's not resolved through group sex of some sort, there are gonna be a lot of disappointed viewers. And yes, as reader "JO" points out, "a lot of disappointed viewers is probably par for the course." Again, completely valid point.

A Call for Amateur Psychoanalysts

I've been having this recurring dream recently, and I have no idea what to make of it. You see, back when I was a student, I was still lazy like I am now, but I never went into a test unprepared. I hated that helpless feeling of going into an exam, looking through it, and realizing that I was screwed, so I made sure that it never happened.

Well recently, probably three or four times in the past two weeks, I've had a dream where I'm in a classroom taking a test. I open up to the first question and have no idea how to answer it. I think maybe that it's just bad luck, so I move on to the second. Same thing. I quickly look through the entire exam and realize that I can't even begin to answer a single question. I wake up all pissed off that I've failed this test, and then the realization hits me -- I don't do anything anymore. I'm unemployed. I don't have tests. I lie down and go back to sleep.

I understand that this is a perfectly normal dream to have before a big test or before finals week or something, but I haven't taken an exam in over three years. Therefore, I'm asking all of the amateur analysts and therapists out there to help me dissect this one. Is it telling me that I'm bored and I need to get back and start doing something? Is it reaffirming my decision not to do anything? Help me out here, loyal readers.

I also had a dream a few nights ago that there was a tennis ball-sized hole in my foot, but I don't think that has any relevance.

On tap for the weekend:

A Cash Cab PSA

Like most of you who have ever been to New York City, there's only one thing I can think of as I'm walking the streets, and no, it's not Empire State of Mind on repeat. I of course, am looking at all of the van cabs and trying to see if they're the Cash Cab. I would say not to pretend that you don't do it too, but I think most people are pretty forthcoming about it. If you've seen the show once, you really never look at a van cab the same way again.

I'm also sure that most of you have heard varying things about how much of a surprise Cash Cab actually is to the contestants -- I've heard everything from "it's all a surprise" to "you're pre-screened and they tell you exactly where to go to get picked up." Alright, let's get to the bottom of this.

Even Turtles Bleed Blue

Last season, Maryland point guard Greivis Vasquez wrapped up his accomplished college career by winning the ACC Player of the Year award. For years, Vasquez has been the cocky, arrogant leader of the Maryland team -- the guy who wasn't afraid to mouth off to whoever he was playing, and who, at least most of the time, could back it up. Last year, when Maryland beat Duke for the first time in three years, it was Vasquez who was front and center, screaming at the fans, trash-talking the players, and generally being a loud douche. Which is why this story is sure to make any Terps fan recoil in horror.

On a radio show, Duke commit Josh Hairston was asked about playing at Maryland -- specifically whether Greivis had ever counseled Hairston about dealing with the crowd there. (Maryland fans might want to look away now.) Hairston replied:

Your Daily Dose of Drunken Crazy

Yes, the New York Rangers may not have even made the playoffs, but rest assured, they're still making headlines. Last week, Sean Avery (who you probably know even if you're not a hockey fan) and Aaron Voros (who you probably don't) got into an altercation with Lindsay Lohan at a NYC club. Evidently Lindsay wanted the hockey players' table gone and threw a drink in Voros' girlfriend's face because Lohan claimed Voros was her ex-boyfriend.

And then the best part: Voros denied even knowing her. We all think of her as an absolute disaster, but I'm sure Lindsey Lohan considers herself a star. Aaron Voros, pictured on the right getting his face punched in, is arguably the least talented player on the Rangers. The one thing he does a lot of is get in fights. And when he gets in fights, the one thing he does a lot of, is lose. If a guy like that basically tells you to fuck off, you can pretty much assume your career is over. Maybe you should've chosen Sean Avery as your fake ex. At least he's enough of an asshole to make it believable.

Switching stations, a friend of mine is working at Alinea, the restaurant of chef Grant Achatz, this summer. He's also writing about the whole experience for the San Francisco Chronicle. If you're someone who loves food, here's your chance to see the inner workings of a kitchen at a world-class restaurant. As for me, I'm just hoping that this plug will get some free food sent my way.

And now, I'm off to The Stadium to see the two best teams in baseball. Go Yankees.

Dale Peterson is Better Than That

First, we introduced you to Tim James, who, if elected governor of Alabama, wouldn't let people take their drivers license exams in foreign languages. To quote the candidate himself, "This is Alabama. We speak English." Yeah, it's probably a fairer point than most people give it credit for, but saying stuff like that would only fly publicly in about three states.

Then, the ante was upped by a public interest group that mocked Alabama gubernatorial candidate Bradley Byrne. They specifically went after how he believes that "evolution best explains the origins of life." Outlandish stuff, I know, but I hear the jury's still out on science.

Well, now we have someone else. Someone who's willing to out-'Bama the makers of both previous ads combined. Someone who knows that a campaign ad isn't really a campaign ad unless you're carrying a giant shotgun. Someone....like Dale Peterson:



So when you go to the polls, vote for Dale Peterson. He's a Republican. He's better than that.

Will the Real Jrue Holiday Please Stand Up?

Yes, this is the widow of Abe Pollin, the former owner of the Wizards, but you'd never know it from watching ESPN's coverage...

The Doctor Test

Earlier today, Canadian doctor Anthony Galea was charged with several drug-related offenses. Specifically, he's accused of smuggling HGH and other PEDs across the US-Canada border. What makes this story so newsworthy is that Galea has treated numerous prominent athletes -- Alex Rodriguez and Tiger Woods' names top the list, although both have denied that he treated them with any sort of banned substance.

Immediately, I'm tempted to cast judgement, if only because I saw a picture of Dr. Galea. You're seriously going to tell me that the dude on the right there is some sort of doctor?

When lawyers have their picture taken, they're usually in a nice suit, and the background is usually some sort of office or other location with a shit-ton of books so that they look smart. So when I want to go see a doctor, I'll look for one who's advertised as wearing a white coat or a suit. I don't want the dude from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition treating my bum knee.

A Couple Extra Shakes

Yesterday, I had to give you an abbreviated weekend recap because I had to head out early to my sister's graduation ceremony. Here are a few more items to round out the weekend/yesterday. Hey, A-Rod and Jorge, are you guys excited to get a little bit more weekend recap?

Damn right you are.

Weekend Recap, Now with Lots of P

Well, I'm still in Philly for my sister's graduation. Evidently, when I ask Daniel to post something over the weekend and he says, and I quote, "I'll write a post over the weekend saying I took the job and the future of [The] Couchwarmers is still bright," what he actually means is, "I'll say that I'll post, but why the hell would you be convinced that I'll actually do anything?"

I'll take full responsibility for this though. Totally my bad. I was under the impression that he was minimally reliable. Won't happen again. I'm still in Philly right now, and woke up early before my sister's graduation to quickly write something. Now that's the hard work and determination you've come to expect from The Couchwarmers. Oh, no, please -- hold your applause until the end.

For those of you upset about having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

Mugsy and Manute are alright, but the hippo's the one who really carries the band. Now, on to the recap:

The Building That's Also a Pinwheel

Tomorrow, I head down to the City of Brotherly Love for the weekend for my sister's graduation. For those of you who don't know me, I actually lived and worked in Philly for a year after I graduated. Yes, actual work, like grown-ups do. But I don't like talking about it.

I know when I first posted my Thursday night as a sandwich theory, many of you clamored for more of the madness going on in my head, so I'll indulge you with something Philadelphia-related that might be the "conspiracy-est" one of my theories. If they find me face-down in a vat of Cheez Whiz this weekend, it's up to one of you to expose this evil scheme, since the powers that be in Philly will have gotten wise to my snooping. Either that, or I just had the best weekend ever. Cheez Whiz isn't a bad way to go.

LeBron Desperation...Put To Music

With Cleveland's season coming to a halt last night, speculation over LeBron James' future abounds.  Will he stay in Cleveland or go to New York, New Jersey, Chicago or somewhere else? These folks have an opinion on what the Chosen One should do. Just a warning: you may want to have a vomit bag nearby while you watch.

Friday Hodgepodge

It's Friday, you have suffered through a long work week, you were up late last night waiting for LeBron's postgame press conference and now you're sitting at your cubicle staring out the window, praying for 5 PM to come. I have the perfect remedy: a bunch of links that will let you kill time and perhaps even entertain you for a few seconds:

An Ode to Weekday Sports

And now, with less than half an hour to go until today's Yankees game, I give you an ode to the greatest thing to ever happen to unemployment: weekday sports.

But first, I have to make sure to distinguish weekday sports from weeknight sports. By "weekday sports," I'm specifically talking sporting events that happen while approximately 90.1% of the adult population is at work. You see, these are things that I can watch instead of watching (let's see what else is on at 1PM that I would consider watching): NHL Live, "Ten Commandments of the Mafia" on Discovery, True Life (The Amish One), or my third lap of SportsCenter. Also, on the Smithsonian Channel, there's something called "Panda Breeding Diary." Just letting everyone know, in case you found your way here through a Google search for "thats pucked up .com".

Your Daily Dose of Southern Ignorance

A few weeks ago, we linked to Alabama governor candidate Tim James' campaign video. You remember -- the "speak English or get the hell out, all in the name of good business" one. Well now, some sort of Bible-thumping public interest group has decided to one-up Tim James and go the "spit in the face of science" route in their new smear campaign aimed at candidate Bradley Byrne:

"Alright class, please open up your textbooks to page 45. Now at the end of our last class, we were reading about how God created the dinosaurs. Remember? What did he do? That's right, he snapped his fingers and they just appeared out of nowhere. But the dinosaurs eventually all died. And why did God kill the dinosaurs? That's right, class -- because one of them decided to become a homosexual."

Have a fantastic night. Enjoy Game 7.

It's About Time for a LeBron Post

To stay or not to stay? That is the real question.

Prince Hamlet has nothing on King James. #23 has held the sporting world hostage for the past couple years as several fan bases (including mine, the Knicks) have waited on baited breath to find out where LeBron will decide to go this summer, all the while seducing themselves into thinking that the self-appointed Chosen One just might don their team's colors come Fall 2010. Lots of ink and e-ink has been used on speculating where LeBron will go when he eventually opts out of his contract on July 1, but I'm no psychology expert, so I'll just stick to the facts. Here are a few:

LOST, Quantified

On the heels of last night's cool/strange/disappointing episode of LOST, here are some graphs and charts (courtesy of GraphJam) to hold you over until Daniel posts later this afternoon after his practice LSAT. He promises he's going to post this time, so I'll put the actual percentages at 60/40 that you'll actually get something from him this afternoon. Until then, enjoy the visuals, and feel free to share your thoughts about last night's episode.

The Google Report

About a month ago, we got our first visitor from a Google search. Since then, more than 100 other people have found their way to our glorious website this way. Many of these were people who searched for TV fuck-ups that we caught, such as "bobby valentine josh johnson," which led them here. Fortunately enough though, most of the searches were slighly irrelevant, or in some cases, just downright weird.

Most likely, this will become a regular feature. If you read on, you'll understand why. So now, for your reading pleasure, we give you our favorite Google searches which sent people to The Couchwarmers in the past month:

Brad Benson's Got a Giant Erection

Brad Benson was an offensive lineman on the New York Giants' 1986 Super Bowl Championship team. He also has a giant erection. Allow his new radio commercial to explain:



Or you could check out his website:

"When Brad Benson does things, he does them BIG! So when he says you can come to his Hyundai dealership to see his 40′ erection, he means it! Brad saved one of the Giants’ stadium goal posts from destruction and has it erected right in front of the New Jersey dealership! So whether you’re a Giants’ fan or not, it’s certainly a site to behold."

Oh, look -- an advertising banner:

So come on down to Brad Benson Hyundai to buy a car from the guy making a dick joke. If his great savings don't leave you smiling and satisfied, his giant erection most definitely will.

Decisions, Decisions

Well, I got a job offer.

After six months of couchwarming, I now find myself with the opportunity to earn a paycheck and retire from the exclusive 9.9% (yes, 0.2% of the population decided to join the unemployment party last month). The job would start towards the end of this week and they want me to let them know yay or nay by Wednesday. The problem is that I am deficient in two pertinent issues here: decision-making and employment. So this is where you come in. 

I'll list the nitty-gritty about the job and you let me know if I should take it. If you present a thoughtful argument, I promise to consider your opinion and there's even a good chance I will directly heed your advice. So if you care at all about my career, this blog or the future of mankind, you'll help me out. God knows I need all the help I can get.

Weekend Recap, Now with a Dude Named Balls

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. If you haven't already, be sure to check out our toilet vs. toilet paper recap. For those of you who are upset about having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

Yes, put a smile on your face -- unless of course, you're a panflute enthusiast. But I'm pretty sure that those don't actually exist. (Googles it) Well, shit. Let's move on to the weekend recap.

Toilet vs. TP: The Final Verdict

The results are in. Thanks to all of you who voted. And in a close match, the winner is....

The toilet!

Toilet               55%

Toilet Paper     45%

The Couchwarmers would just like to go on the record as saying that we wholeheartedly agree with this decision. Toilet paper is a luxury item; toilets are a necessity. As anyone who's ever been hiking before can tell you, there are perfectly suitable replacemements for toilet paper.

Robbie's Got an Itch

And now for your viewing enjoyment, here's a video of Robbie Cano going to town on himself. Happy Mother's Day.

The Perfect Sandwich

A few nights ago, I was watching Best Food Ever on TLC, where they counted down the top ten sandwiches in the U.S. As an added bonus, it's narrated by John Goodman, so if you've ever wanted to hear Walter Sobchak talk about sandwiches for a good 40 minutes, you're in luck. This got me thinking, though -- specifically about creating the greatest sandwich sandwich ever. So here's a new life goal of mine: I want to create the perfect sandwich, and I want you guys to help.

Now the problem with a lot of the sandwiches on the show was that they were made with top-shelf ingredients like kobe beef and truffles. When I want a sandwich, I want something that I can get for under $10. If I want kobe beef, I'll (get a high-priced job first and then) go to a steakhouse. Another problem was that some of these sandwiches were two-foot-high monstrosities. When it gets to to the point that you can't pick it all up and get a bite that combines all the ingredients, it's not a sandwich anymore -- it's a meal.

Some Thoughts on L.T.

So Lawrence Taylor's in trouble again...that's not surprising.

For allegedly raping a 16-year-old girl? OK, maybe that's unchartered territory, even for L.T.

What are we supposed to make of this? Well, I can offer my opinion on what actually happened but I subscribe to Floyd Mayweather's theory on opinions so I'll leave it to the pundits to give us theirs. Jason Whitlock of The Kansas City Star and formerly of ESPN provided the most compelling evidence to date of Taylor's guilt, tweeting, "Seriously, not tryn 2 be funny, but the fact he was at a Holiday Inn is damning evidence. Only reason 2 stay @ Holiday Inn is do shady shat." Also, Taylor's history, specifically that he has a rap sheet as long as Al Capone's, doesn't lend itself to a verdict of innocent in the court of public opinion.

And for Taylor's legacy, if not his actual criminal sentence, the court of public opinion is all that matters.

Guest Post: Peter's Self-Interview

And now, the Couchwarmers are happy to present a guest post by Peter/Little George. On the strength of his Bobby Valentine find and the fact that he had the onions to prank call Justin Tuck, we felt like this was entirely warranted. Plus, we know you didn't want to read another one of Daniel's groundbreaking exposés where he expresses his disdain for the common cold or people who snore. So without further ado, I give you the Couchwarmers' first-ever guest post: 

The Couchwarmers' Guest Blogger Interviews Self, Welcomes Self to Blog 

Peter: Little George, welcome to the Couchwarmers. It’s great to have you aboard.

Little George: Thanks, Peter. It’s great to be, well....back on the couch.

P: Now, you say "back on the couch" -- I understand you actually lived on a couch for the past few months. Is that true?

A New Voice

Tomorrow, I will be venturing upstate to Cornell University for Slope Day and so I will likely be too busy this weekend pretending I'm still in college to post. However, have no fear: the Couchwarmers have a plan b. Sam and I have a mutual friend who has arguably spent more time warming a couch recently than either of us, having lived on his friend's couch for the past six months. He fits the Couchwarmers' contributory requirements: he is unemployed, watches a lot of television and is well-versed in all things pop culture and sport. Therefore, in preparation for my possible post sabbatical, Sam and I have offered Peter the opportunity to guest post. If he blogs as well as he cuts whatever he's cutting in the picture above, then we're all in for a treat. This space is sacred; we have a loyal readership to cater to and we've made that clear to Peter but he insists that he is up to the task.

So here's the deal:

The Story Behind the Story

On any given day, a lot of things happen that are picked up and reported on by the media. Most of the time though, what you hear on TV and read online is just what's right in front of you. Often, you have to filter through all of the garbage to look for the real news in any given story. This is where I help you do exactly that.

Now, I give you three stories as they were reported originally, and with a little help, you'll see what you missed the first time around:

And Now, Your Obligatory LOST Post

Tonight, LOST returns for its final stretch of three episodes, plus a two-hour season finale. As this is a blog where you're expecting all things couch-related, I would be remiss if I didn't at least post something about what has been perhaps the most culturally-pervasive TV show of the past five years -- it's even spawned its own subculture, complete with video games and a show-specific Wikipedia site. So because Daniel doesn't watch LOST and I do, it's up to me to talk about it. As I did when I talked about Band of Brothers, I'll try to avoid spoilers, but a few might slip through the cracks.

Traffic: God's Way of Saying F*ck You

There is one thing I hate more than anything else.

OK, maybe I don't hate it more than being tasered at a baseball game or having an eel shoved up my rectum, but it's close.

I absolutely hate traffic. I've tried to understand why it happens and I still can't wrap my head around it. To me, it just seems like the 1990 Nissan Altima that is stopped in front of me should just drive faster. I honk, I bang on the steering wheel, I yell obscenities out of the window and I even blast hardcore rap music in order to bother the surrounding cars enough to move away from me but none of it works.

What I know about traffic is the following...

An Open Casting Call

This Wednesday afternoon, the Yankees play the Orioles at Yankee Stadium at 1PM. Games like this one are always a celebration of the unemployed, as the crowd is always made up of people who don't have anywhere to be on a workday afternoon. For this reason, tickets to these games can typically be found at much lower prices than most others, as people with jobs (as in, the majority of people who can afford Yankees season tickets) are usually looking to unload tickets to games like this. Add this to the fact that the opponent is one of the worst teams in the league, and you've got a ticket price perfect storm. Last I checked, you could get a bleacher seat for $3, upper deck behind the plate for as little as $5, or a 200-level ticket for as low as $13 -- a non-working man's special if I've ever seen one.

Weekend Recap, Now with Fried Enema

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. For those of you who are upset about having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

Originally we were gonna go with this picture, but the one above just seemed to "stick."

Now, on to the weekend recap:

Ridiculous Hypotheticals: Toilet vs. TP

In case you missed Part I, here's everything you need to know. Basically, we asked for you guys to weigh in on if you could only have toilets or toilet paper for the rest of your life, which would you take? We gave you guys a chance to voice your opinions before we put it to a vote, and the emails were everything we had hoped for. Without further ado, the arguments: