Sunday, May 9, 2010

Toilet vs. TP: The Final Verdict

The results are in. Thanks to all of you who voted. And in a close match, the winner is....

The toilet!

Toilet               55%
Toilet Paper     45%

The Couchwarmers would just like to go on the record as saying that we wholeheartedly agree with this decision. Toilet paper is a luxury item; toilets are a necessity. As anyone who's ever been hiking before can tell you, there are perfectly suitable replacemements for toilet paper.

No, we would not ever wipe with our sleeves. But for the most part, leaves do the trick. Add in the fact that we didn't outlaw bidets/showers in this hypothetical, and getting by without toilet paper is easy. Use leaves or some similar wiping material for the bulk, and then use water for the remainder.

Without toilets, the most technologically-advanced toilet would become the outhouse. Toilet time is inherently enjoyable -- just break out a Sports Illustrated, put on some music, and you've got a hefty block of "me time." Without toilets, this would cease to be. No one enjoys taking craps in outhouses. The smell is just too overwhelming. Pooping would no longer be something that could ever be pleasant, and that would just be a shame.

As for pooping outside, the smell wouldn't be there, but you don't get that same sense of seclusion that you get in a place where you can actually shut yourself off from the outside. As a wise man once opined: normal humans don't shit outside anymore -- there's a fucking reason for this.

Finally, if there was no way to dispose of our waste, our cities would become cesspools. There would literally be shit everywhere. I've seen Slumdog Millionaire, and that's not something I'd ever want to see replicated in the U.S. We have toilets in this country, and it looks like they're here to stay. If you don't like it, you can just leave.

So that does it for ridiculous hypothetical #1. Thanks to all of you who helped us make it a success. If you have suggestions for future hypotheticals that will inspire similar scholarly debate, please let us know. Just try to keep them at the low end of R-rated -- while "would you rather bang a monkey or kill a homeless guy?" might inspire lively dialogue, it's not something we'd ever be likely to discuss here. You'll have to look somewhere else to settle that one. Our apologies.

Once again, Happy Mother's Day.

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