My New Favorite Athlete

Fans like athletes they can relate to. Sure, we may idolize those who train ten hours a day and don't eat anything that hasn't been scrutinized by a team of nutritionalists, but we can never fully connect with them. They're not like us. When it comes down to it, there is a certain sense of satisfaction that comes with knowing a celebrity does the same things that you do.

With this background, I present to you my new favorite athlete who doesn't actually play for one of my teams: Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Golden Tate. You see, last weekend, Tate was a little hungry at 3am. So what did he do? Did he order a pizza? Did he head out to an all-nite diner? No, and no. Those both would have been satisfying, lawful options -- yet what Tate did was both satisfying and illegal. Yes, at 3am last weekend, Golden Tate broke into a donut shop.

Of course, the article wouldn't be complete without some quotes from Tate himself:

"Freshly baked. I made the mistake of -- a buddy made the mistake going in grabbing a couple. We ate them."

"They just kind of said 'don't do it again,' which I won't. But if you ever want maple bars, that's the place to go."

You would think the Seahawks organization would be furious, right? Not so much -- although it helps to have a head coach as cool as Pete Carroll, who remarked:

"No, I'm not disappointed at a guy being at a doughnut shop at 3 in the morning when they got maple bars like Top Pot has. However, under the circumstances, I think they were closed or something like that, trying to close, or whatever. That's definitely wrong. We've talked about it, addressed it. He's remorseful and all that. I do understand the lure of the maple bars."

So congratulations, Golden Tate. You may have gotten a talking-to from the cops and from the Seahawks. But in doing so, you've won the hearts and stomachs of fans everywhere. My appetite and I salute you.