Thursday, April 22, 2010

NFL Draft Liveblog

Welcome to The Couchwarmers 2010 NFL Draft Liveblog Extravaganza. Tonight's always a fun night, but as there are ten whole minutes between picks, we hope you'll need something to pass the time waiting for the next pick. That's where we come in. Just know that you should be expecting less actual analysis, and more jokes about Mel Kiper Jr. trying to hide his football erection.

Of course, you know Daniel and me, but we'd like to introduce two friends of The Couchwarmers who will be joining us for the party. We have nicknames for our friends, but to you, we'll be just be referring to them as Peter and Eric. Only douchebags refer to their friends by their nicknames to people they haven't met.

Peter is a New York Giants fan who comes to us straight from Ithaca, NY after celebrating his Ithaca farewell party last night. He said he'd show up here at 4:30 this afternoon, but when he hadn't showed up or called at 6, Daniel and I thought that there was a 5% chance he had wrecked his car, 20% chance he'd gotten a residual DUI from last night, and 75% chance he had instead driven home and fallen asleep. He wants me to say that he's hung like Greg Oden. I can neither confirm nor deny that. He is also currently in possession of the phone number of an NFL Pro Bowler, whose identity will be revealed later when we call him. Stay tuned.

Then we have Eric. Eric hasn't gotten here yet. He might actually flake out, because he only recently became an Eagles fan. Watching a game with Eric is like watching with a 12-year-old, if only because Eric has yet to grow out of the phase where he hides his head in a sofa cushion when something doesn't go his way. Eric is also the only person I know who has successfully pulled off a karaoke version of Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name."

For the record, Sam will be typing in green. Daniel will be typing in red. And now, we bring you The Couchwarmers 2010 NFL Draft Liveblog Extravanganza. Click "Read More", and enjoy.

7:30 - And we're off. The highlight of the pre-draft introductions: Dan Williams' neck rolls. Or as Peter called it, "pack o' franks." Either that, or this exchange: Peter: "They should figure out a way to make it so Rachel Nichols doesn't look so pasty." Sam: "I think that's just Rachel Nichols."

7:39 - Sam Bradford is now off the board. He walks up on stage and Roger Goodell tries to cop a feel. Bradford wiggles Roger's hand onto his back.

7:43 - Did you see Gerald McCoy's watch? I guess Bob Stoops has good taste in watches.

7:44 - It took ESPN a while to put Ndamukong Suh's name on the screen after he was drafted. To be fair, it took me a while to figure out the spelling too.

7:47 - Eric's here! And he brought his friend Jonesy. Yes, that is technically referring to someone by a nickname. But when I first met him, he was introduced to me as Jonesy, so that's his official name. He's also a Giants fan. Eric feels outnumbered, but he doesn't really care. He's more of a sports enthusiast than a fan.

7:53 - Gerald McCoy is drafted and the hyperbole begins. Steve Young calls him one of the toughest players of all-time and one of the greatest guys he's ever been around. He's just warming up for the verbal fellatio he's got in store for Tim Tebow.

7:57 - Currently on tap: Dogfish Head Aprihop. Kubin, Peter, Jonesy, and I are all enjoying ours. Eric decided to go for a V8. “Oh, what a disappointing choice!” He loudly exclaims. He then asks how many teams are in the league (but guesses 32 before we can answer), and asks when the Eagles pick. What a fan. Also worth noting: Peter is keeping track of the number of times they say the word "penetrate." We're at 3 right now.

8:00 - The Redskins take Trent "Silverback" Williams. I didn't know things like that were allowed in 2010.

8:07 - Eric Berry goes to the Redskins. Is he wearing a Stephen Colbert bracelet? On another note, Jon Gruden just admitted that he loves Berry's "ball skills."

8:14 - We've moved on to the Victory St. Boisterous Doppelbock. On a different note, the five of us are curious as to whether anyone is actually reading this right now. When I was in school, one of my friends called a women's basketball game on the local university TV network. During the game, curious if anyone was actually watching, he gave his cell phone number out over the air. He actually did get one call, from a player's father. I'm gonna do something similar. If you're out there reading, send an email to couchwarmers@gmail.com with the curse word you'd most like me to use tonight. I'll pick three entries and use them in posts. If I get three or fewer, I'm sure to use your word. If that's not an incentive, I don't know what is.

8:23 - The Browns select Joe Haden out of Florida. Jonesy accurately points out that Haden's black earrings look like cufflinks.

8:28 - Peter realizes that he forgot to get anyone to cover for him at work tonight. In Ithaca. With the eighth pick, the Raiders take Rolando McClain. Camera cuts to McClain surrounded by a racially-mixed group of women touching him somewhat-appropriately.

8:34 - The Bills take C.J. Spiller, knocking another guy the Giants wanted off the board. They're gonna take Jason "Lucky" Pierre-Paul. I'm calling it now. As for Jason Pierre-Paul, would he be the first athlete with three first names? I can't think of anyone else. Sam called him the Neil Patrick Harris of pro sports.

8:37 - The Jaguars take someone we've never heard of. We've also received some requests to narrow down the field as to who is the Pro Bowler whose cell phone number Peter has. We'll tell you that it's a New York Giant, and that we'll be calling him after the Giants' pick. Five more picks to go. Keep reading.

8:41 - Broncos and 49ers trade. Whoop-de-shit. We've received some good curse words so far. Keep 'em coming.

8:49 - The Chargers trade up and take a running back from Fresno State. I say the pick is like Fresno State's conference: WAC.

8:52 - And we also have our first bad pun of the night. Thanks, Daniel. Room consensus: terrible. Forgive him. He's two beers in. The Eagles trade up, and Eric pretends to care.

8:56 - Brandon Graham goes to Philly. Eric's response: "That could be good." He seems much more interested in iPad golf than "his" football team's draft pick. However, upon seeing a the ESPN reel of Graham's highlights, Eric mutters, "Oooh, look at those tackles!"

8:59 - Alright, we'll break the suspense. Peter has Justin Tuck's number. He got it from some fat chick who had a hot Asian friend who hung out with Justin Tuck and Barry Cofield. According to Peter, "she rolled them a blunt. And I'm pretty sure Tuck fucked her friend." This is where you come in. We need ideas of what we should say to Tuck. Right now, the leading option is pretending that Osi got traded and asking him what he thinks about it.

9:05 - The Seahawks snag Earl Thomas. Conversation over here has devolved into talking about if you can have a mustache when you're undergoing chemotherapy. Good thing the Giants are drafting now. 

9:08 - Mel's Best Available right now is Jimmy Clausen. Now that the Giants have signed Peyton's long-time backup, I can see it right now: the Jim Sorgi - Jimmy Clausen training camp competition is going to be fierce. The next two Best Available are both defensive ends. Good thing the Giants don't have twelve of those already.

9:14 - Before the Giants picked, Peter called. We spoke to Justin Tuck pretending to be Drew Rosenhaus. More to come later...

9:26 - Minor technical difficulties. We'll get to that later. I promise. It was too good not to tell you guys. The Steelers are on the clock. Tim Tebow would be a perfect choice here, so that he can be a mentor to Ben Roethlisberger.

9:29 - Some teams pick after the Giants. We're still coming down from the Rosenhaus impersonation. That was unreal. The Steelers pick Maurkice Pouncey. He immediately jumps up and hugs presumably, his wife/girlfriend. Together, they'll be 40% of the Steelers' offensive line for years to come.

9:34 - Daniel's off on the phone talking about the legal implications of this video. Peter and I are still watching it and giggling. Some more players get picked. We're losing interest.

9:37 - Our lawyers say it's okay to post this bad boy, so keep refreshing. It's worth it. In the meantime, we flipped over to TNT for the end of the Cavs-Bulls game. Three point game with less than 10 seconds to go. We'll get back to the draft momentarily.

9:46 - The game ends. Someone wins. Whatever. I hate the NBA. The "penetrate" count is up to five right now. We just sent a text message to Justin Tuck, blaming Adam Schefter for bad information. We can't have Tuck coming to training camp unhappy. Daniel makes a bad joke about players with a lot of baggage actually having to carry several heavy bags on draft night. Peter and I cringe.

9:54 - Daniel's hungry. He decides to microwave an egg. This is deteriorating very quickly.

9:56 - Still no response from Justin Tuck. I'm guessing that the woman who answered the phone has something to do with that.

9:59 - The Cowboys trade up, presumably to take Dez Bryant. Crazy that an organization like that would draft a guy with so much baggage. It's not like they've had Tank Williams, Pacman Jones or Terrell Owens on their roster. Oh, wait...

10:05 - Tim Tebow gets taken by the Broncos. If only Travis Henry were still on the Broncos. I would have loved to hear what Tebow had to say about Henry and his 11 kids with 10 different women.

10:06 - I don't think he would have cared, as long as all of those children loved and embraced Jesus. By the way, we're going on 3 minutes since Tebow put on his Broncos hat, and ESPN has yet to announce it. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of these draft pick spoilers. I miss the days of actual suspense at the podium.

10:11 - Jeremy Schaap interviews Tim Tebow. You know that he's been trying to work Schaap over ever since he got to Tebow's draft party. "Say Jeremy, I know you want to get out of the shadow of your old man. You know who else wanted to get out of the shadow of his old man? Jesus. You know, Jeremy, you could learn a lot from this leaflet here..."

10:19 - Dan Williams and his neck rolls, or pack o' franks, go to the Cardinals. There's gonna be some steamed hot dogs in the Arizona sun this fall.

10:30 - Did anyone catch Tom Jackson fiddling around with his microphone? We did. We also got the autistic Pats fan reacting to their first round pick. Both pictures will be posted soon.

10:32 - Jets pick coming up. Can a Jets fan who is still reading this please email us with a player the Jets could take that wouldn't generate a rousing boo from the crowd? Is that even conceivable?

10:39 - Some cheers and some boos for the Jets' pick. Chris Mortensen is surprised that neither Clausen nor McCoy have been picked with "three picks left in the draft." Evidently we're stopping after round one.

10:43 - Erin Andrews! And the broadcast is saved. Peter references her nude video, and his actions regarding said video. Thank Tebow we've only got three picks left here.

10:48 - More players get picked. Hey fuckstick, you're nothing more than a pussywhistle. Here comes the flying dutchman! There are your three swears. Thanks to all of you who emailed. By the way, the executive decision is that we'll post the Tuck video after the draft ends.

10:52 - Well, it seems like ESPN is having its share of profanity problems lately. Just a few days after Lawrence Frank dropped the "f and s bombs" on air, Jon Gruden comes back from a video montage saying "It's a crazy league, a lot of dumbass [inaudible]." Obviously it's getting late.

10:59 - Missed in the last exchange was Steve Young leaning over and letting Gruden know that they were on-air. Mercifully, there's only one more pick left tonight (or far as Mortensen is concerned, "the draft"). Looks like Clausen and McCoy are going to day two.

11:02 - For what it's worth, I think the Giants should go after Sergio Kindle on day two. The scouting report has Kindle being good at reading offenses.

11:04 - And that's your last bad pun of the night. We're shutting Daniel down like a Tommy John patient. Drew Brees announces the last pick and thanks the fans for voting him onto the cover of Madden 2010. He then turns to leave the podium and steps on a land mine. The cover jinx lives.

11:07 - Thanks for sticking with us through the first round. We hope you enjoyed it as much as Daniel enjoyed his puns. It's time to switch over to Versus for some overtime playoff hockey. Pics of the draft to be posted later. So is the phone call video. Hope you guys enjoyed it. And finally, sorry, Justin. Please don't be mad at the team. It's all our fault.

2 comments:

  1. If Tebow ever gave me a leaflet I would believe...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Channeling Sports Guy I see

    ReplyDelete