Sunday, September 26, 2010

Couch Pretzels: Sharktopus

Welcome back to another installment of "Couch Pretzels." Some of you may have forgotten what this whole series is about. Fear not, loyal readers. This is exactly where copying and pasting from an old post does the trick:

We all come across shows by accident. Sometimes, you develop an odd fascination with them, often because they are a train wreck, other times because they are just entertaining in a way you can’t explain. You probably shouldn’t waste time with them, but you do anyway. Soon you realized you’ve watched or heard enough to be considered a fan. You know the feeling of finding an old pretzel amongst couch cushions, don’t you? Sure, it might be from the 1PM football games, and it’s most definitely not a smart idea to eat it, but you do anyway. And more times than not, it’s satisfying in an empty caloric way. Well, these shows are kind of like that.

Now on to the issue at hand: Have you ever wished there was a movie about what would happen if scientists were successfully able to create a gigantic shark-octopus hybrid, only to watch it turn into a giant killing machine? And what if the quality of the acting fell somewhere between "hastily-produced high school play" and "mediocre porno"? And what if it starred Eric Roberts? Well luckily enough, something exactly like this exists.

Yes, last night I stumbled upon a movie on the Syfy channel about a half-shark, half-octopus, full-on abomination of God. And personally, I really don't see why this movie can't win an Academy Award. If I remember correctly, the Academy loves movies about ocean disasters that were made using CGI from 1997. Now all we need is a Celine Dion Sharktopus theme song.

What? They already have a Sharktopus song? Sorry, Celine. Looks like you were beaten to the punch by the "Cheetah Whores." Really. You can hear the song in the movie trailer that's at the end of this post.

But let's start at the beginning. The name "Sharktopus" just sounds awesome. There's a reason they didn't go with the whole "giant squid" motif. No one's scared of a "Squark." But if I hear "Sharktopus," I'm running inland as fast as I can -- which strangely enough, people in this movie didn't do until the Sharktopus was close enough that you could see its spikes.

Yes, the spikes. The Sharktopus has spikes sticking out of its gills, because naturally, both sharks and octopi have spikes. But I wouldn't worry about the spikes. If you're close enough to see the spikes, then it's probably too late, as the Sharktopus could easily impale you with its tentacles.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot -- its tentacles have spears. And when it stands on its tentacles, it's like 30 feet tall.

Ah, right -- it can stand on his tentacles. And walk on them, much like a spider does. When you keep in mind that all of this was invented by Eric Roberts, it makes perfect sense.

I could let Entertainment Weekly describe it too:
Sharktopus did everything a Saturday-night junk TV-movie should: Within the first three minutes, we got a good look at the half-shark, half-octopus slither-biting its way through the ocean. Pretty soon, bikini-clad women and idiot males in phallic powerboats were being ensnared by tentacles and then chomped into bloody bits.
The movie was co-produced by legendary schlock-master Roger Corman, who had a silent cameo as a grizzled old man witnessing Sharktopus slide a tentacle ashore to snag the ankle of a pretty girl strolling along the beach. Corman stared with suitable blankness as the young woman dragged her fingers across the sand before disappearing into the red-rimmed tide. Sure, the special-effects were cheap, but the monster moved with a nice swiftness and there was a lot of variety in his killing methods. 
But all of this description isn't really doing it justice at all. I think you need to see with your own eyes what Sharktopus is capable of.

Hopefully, this will be on TV more in the upcoming weeks, because right now, my DVR guide isn't displaying any more showtimes. But if it's on, make a point to spend two hours watching nature's spikiest, tentacle-iest, and Eric Roberts created-iest killing machine.

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