Friday, September 17, 2010

Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza

Shalom! And welcome to The Couchwarmers 1st annual Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza!

I'll keep updating this liveblog all the way through tomorrow at the bottom of this post, so just keep refreshing. Mmmm....sweet, sweet pageviews.

Basically, I'm hoping that doing this will take my mind off of food for at least a little while tomorrow. If nothing else, you'll get to see me spiral down into a state of semi-incoherence as I go an entire day without anything to eat or drink. And now the moment you've been waiting for. Let's get this thing started:

6:19PM -- Just a quick update before I head off to services. Just finished up a lovely brisket dinner with the family. Had some nice apple cake for dessert. Hopefully, this should be able to carry me through tonight. I'd have to think that the big man wouldn't want me updating from my phone during Kol Nidre, so I'll be back with another update after synagogue.

9:58PM -- And we're back. Somewhere around the time that Kol Nidre was being sung for the 2nd time (for you non-Jews, that's right at the beginning of the service), I realized that I had to fart, but that I couldn't verify that nothing was behind it. So what did I do? I held it. Synagogue sharts are never fun.

For three hours. Painful, yes -- but today is a day of atonement. It's only right that I suffer a little bit. But now I'm back home and all is right again. On a side note, if this is what I'm willing to share with you right now, imagine fifteen hours from now when my judgement is impared from lack of food. Good lord. Maybe I should tone it down a bit. For now though, it's time to cue up the Yankees game that's been recording for the past three hours.

10:39PM -- Already in the the 4th inning. Speed baseball is awesome. And the best part is that I can listen to as much or as little Michael Kay as I want to.

Just a point of clarification too: I'd love for this to be an interactive thing. Please post in the comments or send in your emails. Whether you're fasting too and looking for a support group or like making fun of Jews for doing silly things like this, we want to hear from you.

11:08PM -- 8th inning. It would be a shame for the Yankees to blow a game like this against the Orioles where AJ Burnett hasn't pitched terribly. And for those of you who were wondering -- yes, I'm still farting, but they're completely dry. Your concern is greatly appreciated.

11:31PM -- Wow. A-Rod atones for a game's worth of Yankees' batting sins and bails his teammates out. Yankees win 4-3. A-Rod with all 4 RBIs.

My favorite part of all of it might have been seeing what seemed like the entire crowd cheering for the home run. Keep in mind, they're playing in Baltimore. I've been to Yankees games in Baltimore before. The Orioles are lucky if they get a 50/50 split in terms of fans. It's a great ballpark, but the fan support at the moment is truly pathetic.

11:47PM -- Just quickly while we're still on the topic: I've had a theory for about a year and a half now (#theory tag -- ACTIVATE!) that A-Rod's newfound clutch confidence is a direct result of the Yankees signing Teixeira. For years, A-Rod was uncomfortable in New York. In my opinion, A-Rod was trying to be something he was not -- namely, cool. But once Tex made him realize that he didn't have to be cool, he relaxed and was able to lead the Yankees to a championship last year.

Derek Jeter is cool. He doesn't even have to try, either. He looks at girls and they orgasm. He's just like that. A-Rod is decidedly not like that -- but for several years, he tried to be. Then Teixeira came along. For lack of a better term, Teixeira is a dork. A dork who's really, really good at baseball. But because of Tex, A-Rod realized, "Hey, it's okay that I'm not cool. I just have to play good baseball. At heart, I'm a dork, and that's okay."

Just look at this high-five:

See? Total dorks. But dorks who win baseball games.

12:53AM -- That'll do it for tonight. I'm off to bed. Up early tomorrow morning for even more synagogue, and then back here around noon for the last six-hour push until I can eat again. Tonight wasn't bad at all, though. You know, besides the whole farting thing. Here's hoping tomorrow's just as easy, although it most definitely won't be. Having football on TV will help. Some people hate weekend Yom Kippur, but I think it makes the whole thing easier to handle -- especially when I can watch Duke take down #1 Alabama tomorrow. Goodnight all.

9:55AM -- Alright, I'm back and ready for Day 2 of this thing. And most importantly, I'm still going strong. It's always important to start it off right. Although I did have a Yom Kippur dream last night and dreamt that I accidentally ate something. What it was, I can't remember. But I definitely had that dream. This holiday messes with your mind. Off to synagogue now, and back in a few hours.

12:30PM -- Okay, I'm hungry. Not really, really hungry, but legitimately hungry. If offered food, I could eat a decent amount. There's also a decent chance I'll head out of here early and kill the liveblog at 4PM just to take my mind off the food thing.

On the bright side though, synagogue this morning was gas-free. Big winner.

2:03PM -- For some strange reason, I'm still not that hungry. I mean, I'm hungry, but not starving. Just four more hours and this thing is done. How are the rest of you guys out there feeling?

3:01PM -- Why do they call it fasting when it goes by so slowly? HAHAHAHA

Okay, I'm officially very hungry. Three more hours. This Georgia-Arkansas game is helping to pass the time though. And there's also only half an hour until Duke gets to beat up on Alabama. Yeah, I may be starting to get delirious.

3:41PM -- Alright, I'm heading off and signing out for now. Or it is heading out and signing off? I need food. Also, Duke really needs to step it up if they're gonna give 'Bama the whooping I predicted. Alabama takes it down the field and scores in three plays and Duke goes three and out. Just so I can say I called it first:

Final score: Alabama 52, Duke 7

9:53PM -- Let's wrap this up here. Dinner was awesome because it was, But now that I've eaten something, it's time to bring you back to your regularly scheduled Couchwarmers programming.

Also, take note of my Duke-Bama prediction above. Seeing as how the final score was actually 62-13, I'm counting that as a win in my book. Yes, I'm a genius for predicting a blowout win over Duke football. I am your new God. Bring me a selection of your finest meats and cheeses. Actually, wait until tomorrow. I'm full now.

And that brings The Couchwarmers 1st Annual Yom Kippur Liveblog Extravaganza to an end. I hoped you've enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed blatantly killing time by doing it.


  1. i'm hungry already. i had to stop myself from going to buy a milkshake. but to distract me, fiedler and I played tiger woods on wii and made inappropriate jokes the entire time. so far, so good.

  2. Ah, yes....inappropriate jokes. They fill me up in a way that real food never can. Still, that whole food thing is pretty necessary. It'll all be over soon enough though.

    Remember, if anyone else feels that they need a support group until sundown tomorrow, this is the place. We're all friends here. Don't go it alone.

  3. How mad would you have been last night if instead of asking "you see the yanks tonight?" I said "HOLY SHIT A-ROD" or something to that effect. Could have ruined your evening.

  4. I don't know how many girls are orgasming from this Jeter moment though:

    Happy repenting, boys. Break the shit outta that fast tonight.