Ode to a Douchebag

Sean Avery is a dick. Even people who don't follow hockey know that he keeps finding different ways to be a dick. Hell, I'm a Ranger fan, and I'll readily admit that he's a dick. I'm very happy to have him on my team, but he's a dick.

During yesterday's Rangers-Islanders game, Sean Avery was involved in yet another altercation. Yet, this time, the coming suspension won't be given to Avery, but to Islanders defenseman James Wisniewski.



No, Wisniewski was not asking Avery if he wanted to go out for karaoke after the game. Or pretending he was practicing self-dentistry. Or enjoying a large invisible popsicle. On the list of things to do that will get you suspended by the NHL, simulated sex act on camera falls right in between talking shit about other players' girlfriends and cooking meth in the penalty box.

And what if Wisniewski didn't know that he was on camera? He was yapping with Avery. Of course he's on camera. Any game that doesn't have a camera constantly focused on Avery is always at risk for missing something great -- like pretend head.

But beyond that, doing what Wisniewski did is playing right into what Avery does. Players like Avery exist to piss other people off. By doing what he did, Wisniewski is just encouraging Avery to keep doing what he's doing.

I've seen enough Rangers games to know that the only way to throw Avery off his game is not to acknowledge him at all. Doing what Wisniewski did will only encourage Avery to keep being a pest. Besides, everyone knows that making the blowjob sign actually makes you look like the gay one.

And if you get into a war with Avery, be ready for the consequences. Namely, for your Wikipedia entry to be changed:

Yet, this still won't be a lesson for players. Some will still humor Avery when he says whatever it is that he's saying that sets them off. And for the record, if I worked for the NHL, I would put a microphone on Avery and then sell the feed in a kind of "Too Hot For TV" DVD extra -- I think Too Hot For the Ice works really well as a title. 

People just want to know what he's saying. I'm fascinated that his antics still get a rise out of NHL-caliber players level who know damn well what he's trying to accomplish out there. 

So here's to you, Sean Avery. You may be a douchebag, but without you, the game would be much less interesting. Keep doing what you're doing.