The first round of the Couchwarmers Invention Bracket Spectacular is now in the books. Here's how the bracket looks moving into Round Two:
Here's some analysis on all of the close matchups and upsets:
We counted anything closer than a 60-40 split as being close. For the record, only one matchup finished at 100-0, as Tupperware was absolutely trucked by the automobile. Yes, even the Snuggie got one vote. Now, on to the recaps...
(6) Toilet flushes (11) Toilet Paper, 58-42. This might have been the most interesting of the round one matchups. Everyone we spoke to, on both sides of the porcelain, had a very strong vocal opinion towards which one they would choose. In my personal opinion, anyone who has ever been hiking and wiped with something non-poisonous realizes that while it's not optimal, not having TP isn't really that terrible either. And as a wise University of Texas grad student once said, "do you have any idea how awful 19th century Paris smelled?" The Couchwarmers agree with this one. We need a way to get rid of our waste. Although we think this is an issue that could use further exploration at a later time. We'll plumb into this one sometime after the tourney ends.
(11) Condom %$#@s (6) Livestock....um, 54-46. From the beginning, the livestock didn't know what it was getting itself into (or vice versa). Playing its patented bend-but-don't-break defense and using its ability to contain the dribble, the condom stretched its lead over the livestock. Nevertheless, the livestock came stampeding back to actually take the lead with only a few minutes left. But with a final spurt and a reservoir tip-in at the buzzer, the condom moved on.
(5) Interstate Highways runs over (12) Radio, 55-45. Yet another close call for a favored invention. In fact, this match almost didn't take place, as the radio team only arrived at the arena a few minutes before the game due to frequent stop lights on the drive over. Even though radio broke out its secret weapon, it still fell short. But at least all the fans back home could hear the broadcast. As frequent road trippers will tell you, having a radio in the car is nice, but the availability of interstates is key. Without them, drives that would normally take a few hours would take much, much longer. Hey CNN, do you concur? Yup.
(10) Dynamite blasts away (7) Guns, 52-48. Our only upset of day one of the first round saw dynamite's raw force powerfully disrupting the much smaller but more agile gun. The gun was hoping that its versatility and sharpshooting would be enough, but dynamite didn't fall for the defense that works for everyone but the gun. When demanded to put its hands up, dynamite refused and instead countered with a series of thunderous bombs from far away to take the lead. It also didn't help for the gun that the peace prize guy invented dynamite. It's a tough decision here, but dynamite comes away with a close one.
(13) Sunscreen blocks out (4) Atomic Bomb, 54-46. Coming into this matchup, the atomic bomb was poised to explode onto the scene, and burst out to an early lead over sunscreen, but ultimately imploded in the end. It really didn't help that a-bomb was only playing with two players: a fat dude and a short dude. Sunscreen applied itself to playing a smart game, didn't get burned, listened to its mother, and remembered not to swim until 30 minutes after eating. It moves on.
(9) Buttons close out (8) Zippers, 59-41. Michael Jackson. Pussycat Dolls. Let's move on to a more interesting matchup.
(13) Glasses sees out (4) Beer, 62-38. Really? Fine. All the buzz coming into this game was about beer, as people were enamored over its hops, but once the game started, glasses' superior court vision took over, leaving beer stumbling all over the court, dehydrated and confused. In reality, the Couchwarmers think that what this really shows is that the people who read us are blind.
That does it for round one. Remember to come back tomorrow to vote on second round matchups.
The first round of the Couchwarmers Invention Bracket Spectacular has been sponsored by Edy's Girl Scout Cookies Low-Fat Ice Cream. Yes, they have ice cream that tastes like Girl Scout cookies. And it's low-fat. So.....it's good for you. Whatever. The Couchwarmers highly recommend it.