Friday, June 11, 2010

Know Thy Enemy: England

In advance of each of the USA's World Cup matches, The Couchwarmers are happy to bring you a new series called "Know Thy Enemy." If you want insightful match analysis, you're gonna have to look elsewhere -- that's not what this is about. However, if you're looking for jingoistic taunts aimed at antagonizing the other side, welcome. First up for Uncle Sam, those foppish dandies from across the pond: 

The U.S. takes on England tomorrow at 2:30PM, in what has to be the one of the most eagerly anticipated matches in U.S. history. Of course, I'm sure you all remember what happened the last time the U.S. played England:

What about the time before that?

Or the time before that?

That's right. We're undefeated, bitches. The U.S. of motherfucking A. Kicking ass since 1776. 

Yes, England, you did invent the game. But all you have to show for it is one World Cup, which you won 44 years ago. That's like the U.S. only having one Olympic gold medal in basketball. But since they started letting pros play (you know, like they do in the World Cup) 18 years ago, there's only been one Olympics where the U.S. hasn't won gold. If the U.S. choked once, then you guys are getting fish and chips stuck in your throat every four years. At that rate, I don't even know what you should call it -- if it's completely expected, is it really a choke?

Wayne Rooney scares me a little bit. But I don't get as scared when I see him as I do when someone from England flashes their pearly whites -- or more appropriately, their pearly crooked and yellows:

Know how I know you're gay? You gave the world Coldplay. 

When I was in 6th grade, I was tricked into seeing the Spice Girls movie. It sucked. 

Drinking tea is for pussies.

Hugh Grant.

What's that, England? We're just a country that's made up of your cast-offs? If that's true, you sure as hell picked the wrong guys to kick out. Maybe you should have kept the guys who could seriously kick ass and instead sent away the ones who eventually turned you into a bunch of sissies.

So in summary, I say this: thanks for Led Zeppelin and Eddie Izzard. Now take a step back, because Uncle Sam's coming through. You've gotten in our way before, and it hasn't turned out well for you. Learn from your mistakes, England. We don't need to kick your ass again -- just go home and have a scone or something. Know that if you still want to stand in our way though, we're ready for you. It's go time. Don't tread.


  1. Tally ho, pip pip, jolly good show old bean!

  2. Spice Girls movie? Really, Sam?

  3. In my defense, I was serving as wingman for a friend who was going on one of those awkward 6th grade dates. If that doesn't totally excuse it, it's at least gotta count for something.