Thursday, June 17, 2010

Know Thy Enemy: Slovenia

In advance of each of the USA's World Cup matches, The Couchwarmers are happy to bring you a series called "Know Thy Enemy." If you want insightful match analysis, you're gonna have to look elsewhere -- that's not what this is about. However, if you're looking for jingoistic taunts aimed at antagonizing the other side, welcome. Next up for Uncle Sam, Slovakia Serbia Slovenia: 

I'll be honest with you, I didn't know too much about Slovenia before I started writing this up, so I did some research. Well, after poring over Wikipedia and Googling "slovene stereotypes," I've come to the realization that Slovenia is boring. Like, really, really fucking boring. Shove-a-hammer-and-sickle-through-your-eye boring.

Need examples? Well, here are some facts from a travel guide:

Food: "Generally speaking, Slovenian food is heavy, meaty and plain." Oh, man. I know when I go out to a restaurant, I look for the heaviest, blandest thing on the menu. This is why I held back on making fun of British food in the first installment of this series -- as bad as food in England is, they have fish and chips, which can actually be pretty good. So enjoy your heaping bowl of potato dumplings and egg noodles, Slovenia -- if you ever want to know what real food is like, come on over here and order yourself a cheeseburger with a side of bacon-cheese fries and a gigantic fucking milkshake. As a country, this might make us fat, but it also makes us awesome.

Cities: Your capital city, Ljubljana, is described as being "pint-sized." That's fucking adorable. I just wanna wrap you up in a little scarf and take you home with me. I can fit it all in this suitcase, right? Yeah, it'll fit.

Tipping: "The flip side to the near-disappearance of Communist-style 'service with a snarl' is that tips for service are now generally expected of foreigners at sit-down restaurants, with 10% considered standard. Note, however, that most Slovenians do not tip." You expect us to tip, and then you won't do the same? Assholes. You're boring, and a bunch of ungrateful bastards. And don't say it's because the food sucked -- that's an awful excuse. We've been over this already: all your food sucks.

People: Due to their economic success and historical, as well as contemporary cultural bonds to the West, they don't like their country to be described as part of 'Eastern Europe'." Too fucking bad. Look at a map. That's where you are. Deal with it. We don't like being called "near Canada," but we suck it up because geographically, that's where we are. So go ahead and whine about being described correctly. Or maybe you could also cry about...

Issues: "There are some open territorial issues with Croatia. Be careful if entering a discussion on this subject as nationalists get quite emotional when this subject is broached!" Let's just give it all to Croatia. Oooh, I went there! What are you gonna do about it, Slovenia?

Alright fine, so Slovenia is a boring place most of the year -- but I bet they've got some cool festivals and stuff, right? Well, sure. In its oldest, town, Ptuj (pronounced Pa-TOO-ey -- you know, like you're spitting), there's a ten-day long carnival of fertility in the spring that pays respects to an ancient god of hedonism. 

Sweet, a hedonism festival! I bet that gets pretty exciting. Oh, you bet -- people dress in sheep skin and go around the town wearing masks, a long red tongue, cow bells, and multi-colored ribbons. Wait, what? Giant sheep men? When I think of hedonism, this really isn't the first image that pops into my mind:

That's hot. Slovene hedonism. Giant sheep dudes. Live it up, Slovenia.

Did you know that a study was done on the typical Slovene? Don't worry, I don't expect you to actually read that last link, because like Slovenia, it's really boring. Although I did enjoy this little tidbit: "One of the more popular Slovenian hobbies is urban gardening and many Slovenes dream about having a quiet house with a garden." You see, that's the difference between the U.S. and Slovenia. In America, kids dream about someday being a big sports star or an astronaut. In Slovenia, kids dream of someday having a garden. Dream big, Slovenia.

Even fights in Slovenia are boring: Get brushed by someone else's upper arm, fall over in a giant heap, and milk the non-injury for all it's worth. Then, stand around and make surprised faces at each other. In the U.S., we kick ass. In Slovenia, you do this:

So when the U.S. takes on Slovenia tomorrow, let's hope that the Slovenes don't slow down the game and make it as boring as their country seems to be. Because if they do, we've got a gigantic Red, White, and Blue boot that won't hesitate to put in their ass. The Slovene team shouldn't worry though -- as big stars in their country, I bet everyone on the team has a really, really nice garden and heaping bowl of egg noodles to go home to once Uncle Sam sends them back to Eastern Europe with their sheep-man tails tucked between their legs.

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