Friday, April 30, 2010

The New NFL Draft Interview Process

Before we get started here, I'd just like to remind you guys to weigh in on the toilet/TP issue. If this is gonna work, we'll need a few more responses. If you've got a few minutes that need killing, what better way than this?

No doubt most of you have heard about the recent Dez Bryant-Jeff Ireland controversy. For those who need a quick refresher, Ireland, the GM of the Dolphins, asked the wide receiver in a pre-draft interview if his mother was a prostitute when she had him at the age of fifteen. Word of this interview got out, people got indignant, Matt Millen weighed in saying that nothing is off-limits in these interviews, people got even more indignant, people realized Matt Millen still has a job somewhere, people got even more indignant -- you get the idea.

Listen, I know that teams are trying to find out everything they can about these athletes, and with good cause. It's important to gauge the mental well-being of these guys to know what kind of football player they might turn out to be. We all remember (or are about to be informed about) Dimitrius Underwood. You know, the Vikings' 1999 first round pick who dropped out of football after one day of training camp saying he wanted to become a minister -- and shortly thereafter tried to commit suicide by lying down in an intersection and slitting his throat. He survived, and later escaped from psychiatric care and tried to kill himself again by running into traffic. As far as I know, he's still alive right now, but the Wikipedia page doesn't really specify.

These teams will be investing millions of dollars in these players, but as the Ireland-Bryant controversy has shown, tact has to come into the equation somewhere. I'm sure each team asks some uncomfortable questions to each potential draftee during the interview process, dealing with issues such as drug use, personal life, etc. If every single prospect was asked the same standard questions though, I don't think I'd have a problem with it. Jeff Ireland's problem was that he simply didn't ask each and every prospect if his mother was a whore.

So here's what I'm proposing: each team comes up with its own standard interview sheet that would cover everything that could potentially be asked of a player. Ask each player if his mother was a whore. Ask each player if he's a part of a church that's potentially a cult. Ask each player if anything good can happen when you drag a drunk girl into a bathroom stall. Ask each player if he ever thinks it's appropriate to poop in a laundry basket. Ask each player a series of entirely inappropriate and disgustingly graphic "Would You Rathers." But just ask each player the same questions. Problem solved.

On tap for the weekend:

The 136th running of the Kentucky Derby, sponsored by....oh, that can't be right. Please, don't eat the horses. (Ramshackle Array)

The Couchwarmers will venture to Yankee Stadium on Sunday to see the Yankees take on the White Sox. We had to decide between going Saturday or Sunday, so we looked at the pitching matchups and decided we'd rather see Phil Hughes against Mark Buehrle than Javy Vazquez against the guy who's going to beat Javy Vazquez.

And finally, there's always the NHL/NBA playoffs to fill the gaps.

Thanks for sticking with us through yet another week. Here's your Friday reward video, complete with all the 1990's nostalgia you can handle.


  1. According to, this entire prostitute question thing was blown COMPLETELY out of proportion. Here is how multiple sources said the interview went:

    Ireland: What does your father do?
    Bryant: He's a pimp
    Ireland: What does your mother do?
    Bryant: She worked for my dad.
    Ireland: Was your mother a prostitute?


    I'm not saying GMs aren't douchebags sometimes (see: Millen, Matt). But this should be a non-story.

  2. I know the Ducks one is a piss-take, but I really, really love the Stanley Cup ads this year.

  3. The prostitute question was merely to determine if Bryant's good hands were genetic.