Monday, April 19, 2010

Weekend Recap, Now with Braille Pornography

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. We'd also like to extend a special welcome to all of you who are coming over from Deadspin. Stick with us and we'll fulfill all your wildest dreams, especially if you vote in the championship game of our invention bracket.

For those of you who are upset about having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

Thanks to Bradley, Patrick, Brian, and Aaron for sending us .mp3s of the Creed Marlins song. For your effort, all of you get shout-outs, although the ones that Patrick and Brian sent were the best quality, so they're the only ones who will receive the beer/cookie combo. For those of you who want the song, we're more than happy to share.

We're also very happy to announce that The Couchwarmers will be live-blogging the first round of the NFL Draft this Thursday night. Suggestions for draft-related drinking games would be highly appreciated. Just put them below in the comments. And now, on to the weekend recap:

All of the first round NHL Playoff series saw the teams split the first two games -- every single one of the eight series went to 1-1. Also, more than a third (7 of 20) of the games played so far have gone to overtime, including one Sunday night where the #1 seed Sharks outshot #8 Colorado 43-8 after the first period, but lost 1-0 when Sharks defenseman Dan Boyle shot the puck into his own net (at about the 0:54 mark).

I don't really follow golf (like many of you, I'm one of those four-weekends-a-year watchers), but if you haven't heard about the ending to this weekend's tournament, allow me to inform you. Jim Furyk and Brian Davis were in a sudden death playoff. Davis hit his ball onto a beach area, and when he went to play the shot, he hit a loose impediment during his backswing -- it's one of those weird golf penalties that costs you two strokes. The only person to realize this, however, was Davis. Being the honest golfer that he is, he called the penalty on himself, and because of this, he lost the playoff. For all those parents who tell their children that being honest will help them to get ahead, this one's for you. Kids, lie your asses off. Just don't get caught.

The Orioles won last night. They now have wins, plural. Congrats to the Barksdale crew.

They've finally come out with a pornographic magazine for blind people. Feel free to commence with the Helen Keller jokes.

Beginning next fall, students at the University of Pennsylvania will be able to undergo sex change surgeries and treatments under the school's new health care plan. Beginning in 2011, it's rumored that the school will cover dolphinplasties as well.

And now, it's time to watch the final episodes of Life. Enjoy your Monday.


  1. Braille porno? That was invented by Mel Brooks just before the crusades in Medieval times. Just go to the 1:20 mark of this video from Robin Hood: Men in Tights

  2. According to [I forget who, it was 6:30am] on 'Around the Horn' today, 'It's cool to follow the rules.' I never expected to get my daily dose of after-school special from ATH.

    It is a pretty remarkable thing, though, that Furyk did. And the point they made was that in a world where every other sport's athletes are trying to use every advantage to get by when the refs aren't looking, it's refreshing to see someone Doing the Right Thing. Don't get me wrong - I still think he's a moron. But what was the second-place payoff?

    Finally, what's the over-under on the price on Danny Boyle's head in San Jose if they lose this series?

  3. I think 2nd place got $600K, as compared to a million for the winner. Yes, he still got paid, but he left $400,000 on the table. And it wasn't Furyk who was honest, it was the no-name dude. For that reason, a win here would have been even bigger for him because it would have given him a PGA Tour exemption for a while. Second place gets you nothing in that respect.

    And according to, the price on Dan Boyle's head is $6,666,667. If they decide to run him out of town in San Jose, the Rangers would be happy to help out. Straight up for Redden. Take it or leave it.