Monday, May 10, 2010

Weekend Recap, Now with a Dude Named Balls

Welcome back for another work week, loyal readers. If you haven't already, be sure to check out our toilet vs. toilet paper recap. For those of you who are upset about having to start another week of work/school, here's something that's sure to put a smile on your face:

Yes, put a smile on your face -- unless of course, you're a panflute enthusiast. But I'm pretty sure that those don't actually exist. (Googles it) Well, shit. Let's move on to the weekend recap.

Dallas Braden pitched the 19th perfect game in MLB history yesterday. I thought it was sweet when A-Rod ran out to the mound to congratulate him afterwards. Props to Dallas on a game well pitched, but even if this game had counted as five wins, he would still have a career losing record. Let's hope this game doesn't give him more ego to keep this stupid mound-crossing controversy going. For those of you who consider Braden kind of a punk, he's got a damn good reason -- his grandmother is a punk too.

Unfortunately, Dallas Braden's grandma doesn't win the award for funniest old lady of the weekend. No, that award goes to Betty White for her SNL appearance. 88-years-old and still going strong. And by "going strong," I mean "making jokes about her own vagina."

Soccer news! Chelsea won the Premier League title. A lot of soccer fans don't like Chelsea because they just buy up a bunch of star players. As a Yankees fan, I say congrats. Go Blues.

Staying across the pond, here's an article about sex education classes, kindergardeners, and a guy named Balls. The article kind of sucks, but the headline more than makes up for it. 

Tiger Woods pulled out of this weekend's tournament on the 7th hole on Sunday because of a neck injury. The big news isn't the seven holes, but that Tiger pulled out! Ba-da-BING!

DeSean Jackson criticized his ex-teammate Donovan McNabb over the weekend by saying that he didn't think the Eagles lost a lot by trading Donovan away, and that he was happy to see him go. I understand that Jackson might be a promising young star, but McNabb is one of the greatest Eagles' quarterbacks in their (Super Bowl win-less) history, if not the greatest, and now he's being criticized by an ex-teammate whose most memorable career moment has been losing a sure touchdown when he started hot-dogging before he reached the end zone. DeSean, do yourself a favor and keep your mouth shut.

So you know that giant oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico? You know, the one that they've been trying to stop for quite some time now? Well, the original "drop a giant condom onto it" idea didn't work. So what next? Oh, how about we plug the leak with garbage? Yeah, just throw a bunch of garbage at the problem -- that'll fix it. I feel like I've seen this idea somewhere before. Oh yeah, that's right. But hey, if it worked there, it's bound to work here too. So now instead of oil polluting our water, we have oil and garbage polluting our water. Perfect.

To finish off the recap, here are two quick videos that Peter sent us. They're good for a total of about 30 seconds of moderate amusement. But for a Monday, that's a win. Enjoy.

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